Five-Minute Friday: Song

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Song

From the day we brought her home, I’ve been singing to her.

When she was teeny, teeny-tiny, I would make up songs that rhymed about everything from changing a diaper to her sweet, stuffed puppy that I hoped would become her favorite. I even took one of our favorite books and put it to a song, one that she will often sing to me now.

Always Sometimes I probably sounded like a dork, but I wanted her to know that music is a huge part of our lives from the beginning.

And I wanted her to love it.

By the time she was six months old, she would coo with me as I’d work my way through the rotation of favorites. (Aka: the ones that allowed me to host my own little concerts. ;)) And by the time she was just over a year old, she’d started to sing little pieces of Jesus Loves Me…and, oh, how my heart turned to a pile of mush.

Around the time she turned two, we were walking hand-in-hand from Target to the car, and I started it.

I’ve got sunshine…

And she finished it…on a cloudy day.

And when it’s cold outside…

I’ve got a girl named Mae. (Yes, I rewrote it slightly. ;))

I guess you say, who can make me feel this way? Maelie…Maelie!

But perhaps my favorite so far happened on one of those mornings just a few months ago, the kind that started with messes and frustrations and oh-so-many mommy moments that were less than gorgeous. And as I wrestled her into her clothes for the day, she looked up at me.

Gave me her silly, heart-melting, smile.

And she broke into song.

I love you, a bushel and a peck.
A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.
A hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap,
A barrel and a heap, and I’m talking in my sleep
About you.
About who?
About you!

Every single word.

It completely made my day, probably my year.

My Maelie girl…wherever you go in life, always remember music. It’s powerful, it’s beautiful, and you will go far if you always keep a song in your heart.

I know you will.

MaeLookingUp

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Mother’s Day Memories…and a Confession

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.

Facebook reminded me, Twitter reminded me, pretty much everyone reminded me.

There’s nothing wrong with being reminded of that…because I’m a mama, a blessed one…and I love the fact that I’ve been able to celebrate the last three Mother’s Days with an amazing little girl by my side. (And, well, three years ago, I was about to pop, so there was definitely a reminder that she was about to be in my arms, too!)

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And my husband and daughter treated me like royalty…I got flowers, a sweet card, more hugs and kisses than I can count, a cardigan I’d been drooling over but couldn’t bring myself to spend the money on, my favorite dinner and CAKE, shared with our favorite friends, and a NAP. Two-ish hours long and worth capitalizing every letter in bold. (The CAKE was worth capitalizing, too…long story, but I love CAKE {and my friend who made it!}. I think we’ve had this conversation a few times on the blog…) 😉

It was truly a special day, but I have to confess something…something I know that many can relate to.

There were so, so many Mother’s Days when I just hated the day. Hated the celebration, dreaded going to church with the inevitable, identify-yourself-if-you’re-a-mom thing. Stuffed down the wound that my mommy arms were empty and my heart even emptier.

I think it makes it hard for me to completely enjoy a day like this when I know there are so many women out there who ache when it rolls around…maybe for the same reason it was hard for me, or maybe not. They duck their heads and swallow the tears when the mamas at church stand up and receive applause.

I almost feel guilty for celebrating a day that I know brings so much heartache to so many…maybe it’s because I wish it could just be a day when we’re all celebrated.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure, and my story is happy. But to those of you who are hurting, I’m sorry.

You were on my heart yesterday…I just want you to know that.

Sig

Flower Moments

She picked each one and carefully placed it into the bunch.

Picking some flowers, Mommy. For you.

Any mommy-heart would smile. Mine melted all over the sidewalk that runs along the side of our blue, two-story.

At the moment, there was nothing in the world that brought her more joy than simply plucking dandelions from our sadly-infested yard.

Not going to the park, not a visit to see her favorite friend, not. even. fruit. snacks.

Pick them with me, Mommy!

She wanted to pick flowers, as she called them. And she wanted to pick them with me.

And so, hand in hand, we made our way around the yard. She’d pick one from the patch growing by the porch door, another by the driveway, and another under my favorite tree. And then she’d walk another lap around the yard, picking more to add to her beau-fi-tul bouquet.

Once, she took a small detour to the window well on the side of the house and looked up, posing for the rare picture. She’s two. Need I say more?! 😉

mae&flowers

It was a piece of that sunshine-y day, one that really only made up a small part of it. But it was my favorite part.

Because when we’d finished and were heading inside for an episode of Curious George, she looked up at me, smiled, and handed me her precious flowers. I love you, Mommy.

And though that bouquet of the most beautiful dandelions I’ve ever seen is long gone…

I hold that moment in my heart forever.

May I never be so busy that I forget to enjoy the precious flower moments of life with my favorite girl.

flowers

Sig

Five-Minute Friday: Jump

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Jump

I watch her jump Every. Single. Day.

It’s one of her favorite things.

Whether she’s jumping from a chair, jumping on the bed (which she’s technically forbidden to do but still does…) or simply jumping to the next place she’s planning to go, the girl lives to jump.

And there are times I have to ask her, in all of her two year-old non-understanding, to stop, simply for my sanity.

But the truth is, I think it’s adorable…the way she finds so much pleasure in the simple. The way jumping down each back step brings a smile to her face…and, well, it makes me smile, too. Really big.

I get so caught up in the busy of life…things that occupy way too much time, and I forget that sometimes, joy can be found in the simplest of things.

A few days ago we were taking a little walk down the sidewalk in our neighborhood.

She looked at me. Mommy, jump?

I obliged.

We jumped down the sidewalk.

And it was the best part of my day.

You know, I might just spend tomorrow holding her hand…and we’ll jump through our day together.

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Five-Minute Friday: Here

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Here

I’m sitting here on the couch. Deep, I know. 😉

It’s that moment of the day that I’ve been looking forward to…a time when I can just hash it all out without (well, almost always without) using the delete key or proofreading or questioning.

Just a time to process five minutes of here and what’s going on in life now.

Honestly, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past few months and the ways that time has felt so up and down, so full of circle-spinning.

So many questions…and, just, wondering.

And the thing He continues to remind me of is the present…of the fact that the blessings, the joys, the sorrows, the ups and downs, the millions of things that make up the past…they all add up to this. The here.

And, I love it.

Despite the fact that in the last month I’ve wept over past loss.

Or the fact that I struggled through days of parenting and prayed with everything in me that I wasn’t screwing it all up.

Or even that, in the pursuit of a dream, there are days when it feels so close, and other days when I feel like I’ve been body slammed fifty miles backwards.

And He reminds me…Here.

Now.

Live.

Just as it is, just as it comes.

Take what you’ve learned…and live it, along with the blessings all around.

That is here.

And I am blessed.

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Justifying Grief

I want to warn you, friends, that this post may make you uncomfortable. And if you’d rather not read it, I understand.

It’s been a season of dreaming and doing…with a lot of reflecting mixed in there, too.

And since many of you walk this journey with me…the one of hopes and chasing dreams, of love and extreme thankfulness, of a bit of sorrow and more broken, but also of so much redemption and Grace…I want you to know.

If you want to know.

So read at your own risk. :)

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There is a wound that’s been buried in a corner of my heart for more than four years.

Most days, it’s just there…but it never goes away. Occasionally it will tug and pull and ache and make me cry.

And then there are weeks like this past one where it slashes and slices and crushes and makes my body rack with sobs.

I thought it would go away, this wound of loss so deep, especially once our little girl joined our family.

But it hasn’t, and from time to time, the pain will resurface. And lately, it’s seemed to grab a hold and start to strangle.

Especially this past week, as it seemed to just make me cry more and more, I wondered…

Is it possible I never grieved it?

I don’t know.

All I know is that the month of March is one of the most painful for me…and when it rolls around, it feels as if a demon overtakes me.

The demon of depression…of anger, of hurt, of regret, of unknown. Of wishing and wondering and wanting to know so badly but needing to accept that I never will.

Most of you know the story, but not all.

For a long time, I’ve been afraid of it, but I can’t be anymore. For it is part of us…part of our family, and we need to acknowledge that it’s there and always will be. 

In November of 2008, while Tobin and I were living in Indonesia, we made the decision to pursue adoption. It wasn’t something we rushed into…it had been in our prayers and discussions for months, even years.

In January of 2009, we were approached about the possibility of adopting a baby. A mother in a nearby village who had a connection with a friend was pregnant with her third child. The father was in and out of the picture, money was almost nonexistent, and they wanted a better life for this baby.

Through our friend, they heard about us and asked if we would like their baby.

There are days I wish it had been that simple. And then there are others when I wish it had all never happened.

She was due end of April/beginning of May. It was January.

We flew into paperwork mode and, as soon as we could, scheduled a meeting with the head of the Yayasan (adoption CEO, for lack of a better term) in Jakarta. We met with her, and though somewhat helpful, we left feeling discouraged.

Despite the discouragement, our friend was convinced that this could work, that the hoops could be jumped through and the obstacles overcome.

We had a lot on our side, and I believed with everything in me that God wanted us to have this baby.

And I knew I shouldn’t have gone there yet, but I did. We were lying in bed one night, talking, and I told T how much I liked the name, Maria. We never talked about a boy’s name because I was certain it would be a girl.

I had dreams of a purple nursery with maybe some butterflies on the wall, of spending more years in Indonesia, of finally being able to be a family in my community.

In March, those dreams died when the mother changed her mind. We never heard officially what happened, other than we knew there had been some family pressure.

And my dreams for a Maria and a purple nursery with a cute, white crib turned to ashes.

I cried more tears that month than I ever thought possible.

What’s worse, I was convinced that my grief was unjustified. Not everyone had been completely on board with the situation, and one friend even passively said, Oh, you can just try again. It’s not like it was guaranteed anyway.

It was a grief I stuffed down deep. I was afraid of judgment, afraid of being caught crying over something others felt wasn’t justified.

I still had to teach…I still had nineteen 5th graders. I had a life and responsibilities…and the tears were pushed to the late night.

The kind when it was just me and heartbreak buried under a daisy blanket.

Alone, crying out to a God Who felt too far away.

People say that time heals wounds, and I half-agree with it.

Just half, though.

Eventually the exhaustion translated to sleep and sleep meant relief from pain.

Days somehow passed and life occupied hours…and it was what it was.

We returned to the States for the summer. Most never asked, we didn’t talk.

And while tears have dripped since, today the hole feels more like a pit of desperation…the kind that threatens to swallow up a life that needs to be lived.

About a year ago God laid it on our hearts to sponsor a child through Compassion. I pored through the pictures of children from Indonesia, looking for a three year-old. Somehow hoping that maybe…maybe…this child could still be mine.

I knew it was foolish, I knew the odds were millions to one, I knew…

I know…

I know I just have to let go.

To trust that God has a plan for this now-almost-four-year-old child, one that for whatever reason didn’t include us, one that is far greater than I could have imagined.

And so I need to say goodbye.

Goodbye, sweet one.

Sig

My God-Sized Dream: How I Live

What’s a typical day in your life like right now? How can you see God’s hand in the middle of the “small” and ordinary too?

When I first saw the topic for this week, I smiled and started singing a song.

One that, for reasons unknown to me, somehow made it onto my running playlist about a year ago and became a favorite. I especially love the chorus.

Turn up the music, turn it up loud
Take a few chances, let it all out
‘Cause you won’t regret it
Looking back from where you have been
‘Cause it’s not who you knew
And it’s not what you did, it’s how you live

“How You Live” Point of Grace

Though it may sound a bit flaky, I try to live my life in this way…with the music cranked up (sometimes literally), looking for the adventure in every step, and dancing throughout my days, too. (As long as there’s coffee. ;))

On a perfect day, I start with a run.  I usually do between three and four miles, but  I only did 2.4 this morning…on Monday nights I work out with friends, and our workout went late last night and was topped off by a frappuccino and a chat with my dear friend :), so I didn’t push it. I’m not Super-runner Woman, either (though I would look good with a cape, huh?!)…it’s something I became intentional about in order to shed those baby pounds and turned into something I enjoy.

When I get home from running (before 7 am) I get the coffee going and get ready for the day.

Key word here = coffee. I drink a ton of the stuff. True confession. But not black…always with creamer. Bailey’s Creme Brulee is my favorite. Mmmmm.

I’m a stay-at-home-mom, and it’s the job title I wear most proudly.

I’m mama to the most incredibly wonderful, spirited, sweet girl, Mae. Ever the non-napper, she almost always gives me a wonderful night’s sleep, so she usually isn’t awake before 7:30. (Unless we’re in time change mode. Ugh.) I love that it gives me time to hop through the shower and get ready somewhat before she’s up.

Once Mae is up, it’s the usual. Breakfast, sometimes-playtime, sometimes-Sesame Street. If she goes the tv route, I use that time to do some Bible reading and blogging. It’s when most of my daytime writing gets done. A lot of people start their mornings early. early. early. with spending time with God. I have found  that it  simply doesn’t work well for me.

I love Him.

But my mind is not coherent enough before my run to focus. Instead, I crank up a pretty sweet playlist of praise songs for my run and worship Him in that way. I love it, and I usually sing along. 😉

The  rest of our day varies, depending on the day. Some days we head to church for Bible study or to help with Feed My Lambs; the other days we’ll chill at home and  do art projects or read stories or play princesses or bake. (She’s a huge play doh fan right now, too.) We save errands for the afternoon, usually, because my ever-so-sweet girl mostly-dropped her afternoon nap last summer. (She takes about one a month.)

It’s a simple day, usually, and sometimes there will be more writing or catching up online interspersed with what we do.

MaeMommyPumpkinDays

My main goal as a stay-at-home mama  is to simply enjoy her and be the best mommy to her that I can be. The days are already passing too quickly, and she’ll be off to preschool in just five short months. Tear. 

My hubby usually gets home around 5:30, and  we’ll spend a little time together as a family,  eat dinner, and then it’s off to bathtime and bed for the non-napper girl we have. :) She’s usually in bed and asleep before 7:30 which gives us some time to unwind. Sometimes T and I will play a game or watch a movie; sometimes we’ll do our own thing…me, usually write; him, catch up with his favorite blogs or watch a TV show. Fun fact: we really love playing cribbage. I know it’s an old-people game, but it’s fun! You should try it. 😉

Being a SAHM was not something I ever thought I’d be, but I love it. I’ve realized, too, that it’s something I should never take for granted. My husband works hard so I can be with my girl, and I know there are a lot of mamas who wish with everything in them that they could be home with their kids, too. I am extremely blessed, and so thankful I can spend my days with Mae. :)

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One of the things God has over-and-over convicted me about is my prayer life. I grew up always thinking that to pray, I needed to stop what I was doing, fold my hands, close my eyes, and talk to Him in that way. And while there are times for that, I try to make prayer part of my lifestyle…and I talk to Him throughout the day. Sometimes in a sentence, sometimes longer. While I’m washing dishes, vacuuming, or even changing a diaper.

I love that He hears me…and that He listens no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

I also love that my daughter is learning the value of speaking to her Father, too, no matter where she is in her day. Often, we’ll pray for Putra, our Compassion child…his picture is on our wall in the kitchen, and she likes to look at it. Mae knows that we can talk to God about him, and that we can do it while we’re playing princesses, too. :)

In relation to my dream(s) and pursuing them in daily life, my biggest goal is to place them in His hands each day and pray for opportunities. Right now, my sweet friend is reading through my book, and I’m good with that…in some ways, it’s a break I can use to reflect on what He’s asking of me and what could potentially be next. As for my other dream of writing for a bigger blog, I talk to Him about it…and just keep doing my thing…

…writing  in this space, which I truly love. I really do, even if the number of blog posts a week has dwindled a bit. (I’m trying to focus on content more instead of word count. Please don’t count the number of words in this post. ;))

I’m trying to be faithful with the smaller things…and trust that He’ll bring the big things when it’s time. His time.

More than ever, right now, I’m content with that, and it’s a good place to be.

Just living the life He’s created for me, following Him in obedience, and trusting that His plan will happen.

And it’s Tuesday! Hop over to the lovely Holley Gerth’s place to read more stories of what God is doing in the lives of my dreaming sisters! We’d love for you to join us. :)

God-Sized Dreams

Sig

Five-Minute Friday: Remember

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Remember

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Remember.

It’s a day I hold in my heart forever.

That early-Monday-afternoon in mid-June, 2010.

They placed her…all tiny, swaddled-up, seven-pounds, twelve-ounces of her into my new mama arms, and I vowed I would never forget that moment.

I stroked her dark hair and remember thinking that with all the heartburn I’d had during my pregnancy that it didn’t surprise me to see she wasn’t bald. :)

And I just looked at her. For what seemed like hours. Memorized her face. Promised to never, ever forget a single detail.

And now we walk the days together…my tiny girl grew and is growing, changed and is changing, crawled then walked and now runs everywhere, it seems.

She is beautiful…more every day.

She is everything and so much more than I ever dreamed in a daughter.

And I want to freeze time in our days, but of course, time doesn’t freeze. It defies my hopes and marches on, seemingly picking up the pace with each passing day.

Still, we mark moments. Photograph them. Write them down. Try so hard to remember everything. Knowing that one day all too soon, my little girl with messy pigtails and a song in her heart will be out making her own memories, marking up the world, singing even more loudly, loving like she does.

And we’ll be so glad we took the time to remember these moments.

My Maelie-girl…I am so proud to be your mommy.

HotChocolate06

Five Minute Friday

Sig

My God-Sized Dream: Joy Surrounding Me

JOY

What brings you joy, especially when it comes to your God-Sized Dream?

I love this question and am so very overwhelmed by it all at the same time.

Joy.

JOY.

JOY.

The word has such a different meaning now than it did just two years ago.

My husband and I were in the midst of one of the hardest seasons of our marriage. It was a daily struggle to move forward and to choose love and joy in spite of the challenges that seemed to overtake our days.

Around this time, I had gotten into the groove of blogging, and my writing was definitely something that brought joy…a place to release and be…no matter what I was feeling that particular day.

As I slowly started to become connected online with some different bloggers and friends, I came across a blog.

The writer is someone many of you may know at least through her words. And I became privileged to know her through them, too, even if we never exchanged an in-real-life, friend hug.

During those days of wondering and waiting and unknown, I found myself drawn into her story, inspired by her words, and taken by her heart for our Father.

Someone asked her the question, “How do you manage to stay so positive? So happy? Don’t you ever just get really mad?”

And her reply, specifically this part of it, changed me.

The thing I try to remind myself of, as I am without all the things that I wish I had to make me happy, is that my biggest need is Him. More than I need to be outside in the fresh air, more than I need to move without pain, more than I even need Dad… I need His will to be done in my life whether it is comfortable or not. There is not one thing that feels comfortable about my world right now, but I need Him more than I need to change my circumstances.

It’s still brutally hard. I have to remind myself of these facts every day. It doesn’t always come easily.

But it doesn’t make the truth any less true.

And the truth is that I can choose the joy.

So I do.

From this post at Sara’s blog.

Knowing Sara for the few months I did changed my perspective. Reading her words taught me how to Choose Joy, even on the days that were hard.  (Hard to me, nothing compared to what she endured.)

And I share this with you to tie it back into my answer to the question…

What brings you joy, especially when it comes to your God-Sized Dream?

Honestly, it’s the beauty He brings to each of my days.

Sunshine in the form of a little girl I am privileged to love and raise and spend my days with. I love her so much it brings tears to my eyes.

My husband and the way he loves me through each day, never settling and always striving for something more.

Heart friends…those near me and those so far away that heaven will be our reunion…who bless me with love and laughs, encouragement and prayer.

A new community of women who have inspired and blessed me along the journey to a dream.

Words…and the little gift He has given me in being able to use them to encourage others.

The sunshine streaming through the windows today.

A text or prayer of encouragement from a friend.

Printing off my rough draft and giving it to a friend. :)

A cup of coffee on a cold winter morning.

What I learned, and am continually learning, through my friend’s life is that there is JOY surrounding me.

It’s everywhere.

And it’s my choice…despite my circumstances, I can choose to find it in each day.

Maybe this is somewhat of a generic answer…I hope you don’t see it that way.

I hope that, whatever the dream God has rooted deeply in your heart, you’ll always find joy along the journey of realizing that dream.

I truly can’t wait for the day when my book is in print and I hold it in my hands.

Or for the day that I’ll hopefully have the chance to write for one of my favorite spaces.

But, today, I am embracing the joys God has given along the journey to those dreams.

For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy.
Psalm 63:7 (ESV)

As we do each Tuesday, a bunch of us are linking up with Holley Gerth and sharing all God is doing when it comes to our God-Sized Dreams! We’d love to have you join us!

God-Sized Dreams

Sig

I Confess…

Happy Monday morning, friends!

Though the calendar may say March 18th, my lawn in the burbs of Chicago is blanketed with white.

Again.

Gotta say I’m ovvvveeeer winter.

Spring, come on!!!

Yesterday morning I got up early and actually went for a run. Outside. It was glorious, exhilarating, and slightly cold, but it gave me full-on spring fever.

I thought a few Monday confessions might be good for cheering up my soooooo-ready-for-spring heart. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments. :)

I’m sitting here in a running jacket and the thickest scarf I could find in the closet. (Snow makes me cold. Even if I’m not outside in it.) Oh, and guess where I bought the scarf? Indonesia. Not kidding. Not sure I ever actually wore it there, but I do love it here! :) (And I realize this is not a great pic…another confession: This is the real of Monday. Really thankful for makeup today.) :)

Melscarf

Lately I’ve been missing Bali.  I always have a little ache in my chest when I think of Indonesia, and that’s nothing new. But Bali…it must be the lack of spring around here. And the fact that I’m doing a last read-through of my rough draft before giving it to my first readers. How I miss the ocean and surfing and wiggling my toes in the sand of Kuta beach. (Here’s a pic to make you want the beach, too. Anyone wanna go on a little vacation?! ;))

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I let Maelie wear my new (Goodwill) heels this morning. She put them on over her footie pajamas and tromped around our bedroom. And though a small piece of me thought those three inches might be a little dangerous, when she put on my headband, my heart just melted, and I sat back to enjoy the moment. Then I took a picture before I made her take them off. (Sorry, the lighting in our bedroom is not fabulous for an iPhone. And please forgive the pile of clothes…I’ll clean them up later today. ;))

Maeinheels

We may, or may not, be slightly addicted to Tangled in our house. And not only is it a great movie, the music is so fun. For the last few weeks, I have been trying to get the first song down…besides having a ton of words, the note jumps are tricky. But I’ve got it and am, unashamedly, admitting that I walk around the house singing it all day long. (Do any other musicians out there think this is a hard song to sing?)

And…here it is! Rough draft. Printed off last night. 123 pages and 36, 223 words of heart and soul on paper. I’m (most likely tearfully) handing it over to three friends this week. I’m not sure if that part is the confession…more the intense mix of elation and nerves that are currently taking over my stomach. Nothing like a little fear of rejection to make a person sweat. 😉 But mostly, I’m thrilled to be at this point. FRIENDS, I WROTE A BOOK!!!

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And since my heart is pounding like crazy just from telling you that, I’ll just wish you, again, a happy Monday!

Blessings. :)

Sig