Giving It All

May 4, 2011 by · 3 Comments

A few scattered thoughts tonight.

😉

So I struggle with insecurity, and I’ve talked about that before. I think a lot of it goes back to life as a less-than-gorgeous, more-

than-slightly-awkward pre-teen/teenager.

Thinking back to that time when I was so unsure about myself…everything, and I do mean everything made me nervous. From trying out for the basketball team to running hurdles and playing in a band concert to singing a solo…every one of those things made those butterflies do backflips.

That’s a hard thing to get past.

Even in high school, I didn’t love being in front of people. I stayed with music because I really enjoyed it, I ran cross country, and I was in FFA. But that’s about it as far as extra-curricular activities go. FFA actually was pretty leadership-oriented.

On several occasions I had to get up and give speeches. Yeah, I wanted to throw up every time, but somehow I survived…without puking. :)

Then comes college. Heck, I was studying to be a teacher…that kinda meant I needed to get used to talking in front of people, right?! The first few speeches I had to give and lessons I had to teach were torture. Tor.Ture. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and would get so nervous that I’ d practically cry.

Eventually… a person kind of gets to

a breaking point. And I reached it.

At some point, this had to stop. I couldn’t keep going through life like this.

And so I made a choice…the choice to just do life. And the choice to quit worrying about what other people thought. And the choice to not be nervous. (Which still doesn’t always work…)

That was so hard.

I remember clearly when I was raising money for my mission trip to Peru.

I had to write letters…and that wasn’t bad. But I also had to speak at my church and sing a solo that night…and that was just about enough to put me over the edge.

Getting up in front of people like that…to me…is like completely throwing yourself out there,

nothing hidden, for everyone to judge. I was so stinkin’ nervous that night that I actually cried before I went up on the stage. I hated being that nervous.

Hated it.

The first ten or so minutes were absolutely awful, but once I got going, it wasn’t as terrible. I then realized, Hey, I can do this! And what a fantastic feeling to finish my talk, get

to the song, and not even be nervous anymore. (I’m pretty sure that’s the only time I’ve ever sung a solo and not been nervous.)

And even though I’ve gotten a lot better about being in front of people since that time, it’s still hard. And it translates to more than just talking or singing or playing an instrument.

The blog often makes me nervous.

Especially when I post things that I know not everyone will agree with. I feel like the bravery that it takes to push the publish button also brings with it a large, red “X”.

Shoot me down, shatter me.

My words are yours to tear apart.

The blog started out as a journey to process life and the things we were going through.

It turned into so much more. A place to have an opinion. A place to share my life, as much

as I choose or

choose not to, with my readers.

A place to have a voice.

And sometimes it scares me to have that voice that could potentially reach thousands of people. (Although I doubt that will happen!) But it’s also kind of a cool thing that so many people could be reading what I write.

I was thinking of all this and how it compares with having a relationship

with God. Sometimes He asks us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zones. He doesn’t ask us to hide behind our insecurities, giving only those things that make us comfortable, sharing just those talents that come easily.

He asks us to put it all out there.

Give it.

Throw it!

He wants it all…no matter the cost. Some things will be scary, some things will make us cry, and some things will change life to the point that it will never be the same.

But He asks for ALL.

What is my ALL?

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

How He Loves

May 2, 2011 by · 1 Comment

“All you need is love.” –The Beatles

I don’t typically quote the Beatles, although I do think there is some truth in this statement.

Love is that all-encompassing value.

No matter what we believe, where we stand on issues, or what personality type we are,

love is…and should be…that integral, overriding aspect that covers.

I’ve been thinking about love and what it looks like.

As a child growing up, I think I loved with the capacity that a child can. I wasn’t typically mean to other kids, I tried to be polite and helpful, and even though I struggled making friends, I’d go out of my way to be nice to the new kid. I even regularly gave away my belongings, which I think frustrated my mom.

:) I guess, in a child’s world, that’s love.

As a teenager, I was shaken and shocked by the amount of non-love I saw. Whether directed toward me or not, it was all around…a daily battle. To me, love was taking that time to accept all people…talk to them, speak kind words, and leave the meanness behind.

As an adult, love took on such a deeper, more sacrificial meaning. As a wife, I have learned (and still am learning) that love often means putting aside what I want for the good of my husband. It means pay attention to his needs and making those sacrifices when necessary for what is best for him. And for us.

It’s hard…and I fail far more often than I succeed.

As a mom, to quote what a friend said yesterday, love is being willing to throw myself in front of a Mack truck for my daughter…I’d do it without even thinking.

Although the love I have for my friends is different from how I love my husband and daughter, I do love them. As a friend, there’s nothing I’d rather be than there…even if it means staying up all night to cry, staying out late to laugh, or using up

all my cell phone minutes to listen.

That’s friendship, and I’m there…it’s how I love.

But how do I love my enemies?

One of them is dead…yeah, I consider Osama Bin Laden one of my enemies.

Pure evil, the kind that makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

Last night when the news leaked out, my Twitter feed was full.

I have to admit that my initial reaction was right along with several that I read, Oh, yeah! We got that sucker!

Thankfully, I made myself stay silent…and consider things. I am learning that it’s not always best to share my emotional reactions with the world, especially in a place where my thoughts can be re-tweeted for all to see.

A friend even texted me, and I replied with a “YAY!”

I didn’t mean that YAY! in a negative, I’m-so-glad-this-jerk-is-dead way…just a what-a-victory-for-the-U.S. way. The people who suffered unspeakable loss on 9/11 now have some type of closure. After what they’ve been through, they deserve that much.

But a man is still dead. That man…as evil as his actions were…stood before God and gave an account for what he had done. And then he received his punishment…where he will spend eternity.

No matter how terrible someone is, the thought of him…or anyone…spending eternity there makes my stomach twist and turn.

Because God is not willing that any…ANY…should perish.

No matter what they’ve done.

On the day of 9/11, I was teaching third grade at a small Christian school in Wisconsin. I remember a certain boy from that class, who was usually on the quieter side and always very thoughtful, asking, “Miss Osmun, (yeah, I wasn’t married yet :)) can we pray for Bin Ladin?”

Holy cow, did he really just ask if we could pray for our enemy?

This eight year old boy?

And so we prayed…and he prayed the most heartfelt prayer of all. “God, I pray that Osama Bin Laden will get saved.”

We moved on from that moment, but I never forgot it. How at a time when it was so natural to not love a person, this third grade boy chose to love.

He chose to love just as our Father does…regardless of what we’ve done or how awful we are.

Because He knows that there’s still hope for us.

That’s just how He loves.

And now we have that opportunity again.

Hang on with me, ok?

Because Bin Laden is gone…and there’s nothing we can do to change that. (And I’m not even going to enter in to whether it was right to kill him or not. I, personally, think there are arguments for both sides.) But there are plenty of evil people still out there…enemies, as we would term them. People who do unspeakably awful things that we can’t even fathom.

And while understanding them may be impossible, praying for them is not.

Neither is loving them.

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.

Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Who is God asking you to love today

?

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am

Diet Coke, Anyone?

April 28, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Ok, we are on the second week in a row of Diet Coke instead of coffee and a big fat headache.

Oh, shoot. That’s a bummer.

I blame it on the weather. Frustrating.

Today if you came over, you wouldn’t find me vegging on the couch…I’m not feeling quite as bad as last week. I’m just feeling busy, and (of course) headaches tend to show up on my busy days.

So I have clearly overcommitted myself in the next few days, especially since my in-laws will be in town for two of those days. I am trying to breathe and smile since most of what I have committed myself to are things I truly enjoy. Like music and coffee and more music. Oh, and royal weddings.

For a brief moment I entertained the idea of inviting a bunch friends over to watch with me at 3 a.m. But when the first person I mentioned it to was like, “Um, no,” I accepted the fact that none of them are as crazy as I am. I am still going to watch it. I will even wake up for a bit of the pre-wedding coverage, but I doubt I’ ll make it through the whole thing.

I’m going to watch the whole shebang in all of its pre-recorded glory at a decent hour.

(Thanks, Alison.)

I kinda wonder what it must be like to be Kate Middleton.

The girl is beautiful…and truly carries herself like a princess. I love it that she is so classy and just the girl next door.

(I really want to have coffee with her.) She is just the type of girl I want to see actually become royalty. (Listen to me, I sound like she’s going to be my princess or something!) As happy as I can be for a girl I don’t know, I’m happy for her.

😉 I wish her and Prince William a lifetime of happiness and love. (And may the paparazzi stay far, far away.)

Maelie has been a superb napper this week.

This is a very good thing since from the second she’s gone to sleep, the guitar has been in my hands for hours. I truly love to play and sing. Sometimes I wish I was better, but the fact that not all the notes are perfect doesn’t take away the pleasure of it. I love music.

And as stinkin’ nervous as I am about tomorrow night, I’m also looking forward to it. Music is one of my favorite things.

I also got to do something tonight I hadn’t done in eleven years…play handbells. I was not good. But it was still fun, there was a lot of mercy extended to me, and I’ve been blessed with the ability to laugh at myself, which was necessary several times tonight. Then I had praise team practice…it was nice to know most of the songs for once. 😀

I’ m starting to get the itch for real spring to show up.

Really, enough with these mid-40’s days. I’M COLD! AND I WANT TO BE WARM!

Ok, I’ ll quit ranting about the weather today.

Soon enough I’ll be complaining that it’s too hot.

Wow, I’ve been random today, which is pretty much the way I am when it comes to coffee…ahem, Diet Coke.

But I want to end with something from Bible study that really challenged me.

I’ve mentioned that we started a new Beth Moore study on the Fruits of the Spirit, and it’s good. Really good. She was talking about being filled with the Spirit and said, “There is nothing our fleshly desires can give us that is worth what they take from us.”

Wow. Powerful. I’ve been thinking about that today, and I’m not sure what it means for me…yet. But I’m thankful for those little things that God keeps giving me to think over and process. He’s working in my heart even if the words to verbalize what He’s doing aren’t there yet.

Wishing you all a wonderful (almost) Friday! Thanks for stopping by!

Sig

Filed Under: coffee, encouragement, music, what I'm learning, where I am

It’s So Small

April 26, 2011 by · 1 Comment

Yesterday I cut my toe.

Pretty bad, actually. The words gashed, sliced, or even slashed, would probably be more appropriate here, but in the interest of not completely grossing you out, I will leave it at cut.

The story of how it happened is strange. If you know me, you know I’m a klutz.

Always have been, always will be. I embrace it each day as I fall over nothing… 😉

I was feeding Maelie some cereal in the dining room and got up to grab something in the kitchen. There is a tiny little step-up into our kitchen, and I assume it’s there from when one of the previous owners redid the floor and added granite tile. I know it’s there and don’t even think about it most of the time.

(This is common in Indonesia in many rooms, too, so I think I’m just used to floors that aren’t level.) I didn’t really trip…my right foot made it into the kitchen just fine, but my left big toe…somehow found the edge of that tile.

Oh, Pain. PAin. PAIn. PAIN.

I was scared to look at first…I knew it was bad.

(And I’m not really a fan of blood, either.) While I often display drama queen characteristics, I do actually have a decently high tolerance for pain.

And. This. Hurt.

There was so much blood that I couldn’t really tell how bad it was at first. Looking at it made my stomach turn, so I grabbed some paper towels and just held them over my toe, hoping the initial blood flow wasn’t as seemingly endless as I thought it might be.

It bled for over an hour, and when I could finally examine it without wanting to completely throw up, I discovered it was pretty deep…which wasn’t really a surprise.

So then comes the question, To stitch or not to stitch?

I’m not a fan of stitches, but even more, not a fan of scars. Also, summer is coming, and that equals flip flops and Mel in all of her barefoot glory. I did NOT want a huge, disgusting scar.

I called Tobin, but there was only so much he could do from work.

We ended up skyping and turn ing on

the video just so he could help me figure out what to do. He couldn’t tell much, so we decided to wait until that night to make a decision.

All day long I limped around because it hurt too much to actually step on my big toe. By later afternoon it was feeling somewhat better, but the question of whether I needed stitches remained as I stared at the gaping wound on my toe.

Tobin got home, and we decided it was one of those cuts that could go either way.

If we went in, they would probably stitch it; if we didn’t, it would probably heal fine but take longer. We opted for no stitches, which I’m still kind of questioning, but bandaids and butterfly tape seem to be doing the trick ok.

Anyway, all of that leads up to my story…cause, you know me, I need a story to go with my story! :)

I’ve been running with a friend 2-3 times a week in the mornings.

We had planned to go running this morning. Since my toe didn’t really hurt too bad last night, I just bandaged it up and decided it would be okay to try running.

As we started to jog today, though…I noticed something. Not only was my toe starting to hurt again, but my outer left calf muscle was really aching. I was puzzled by this until I remembered…

I’d been completely off balance the day before, not really stepping down on my big toe at all. That put a lot of stress on other parts of my foot and leg. And when I started to run this morning, I was doing the same thing because my toe couldn’t take the blunt force of crashing onto the pavement with each step.

I was completely off balance, and the run? Well…it was more of a run one minute, walk two kind of outing. And each time I ran, it just hurt.

Tobin spent some time yesterday giving me “big toe” facts. He’s such a goofball…but one interesting fact was that each big toe is capable of supporting up to 40% of a person’s body weight. So, obviously it’s important. Then, he was in all his glory, when he informed me that the first known invention of prosthetics

was for the big toe.

I smiled, nodded, and just hoped I would never need one.

😉

As I was driving home this morning after my run, I started (kept?) thinking about my big toe…it’s so small.

But it’s affecting everything I do.

And then? I thought about my heart. About how, most of the time, what’s going on in there is good.

But what about those moments when I get jealous and mean

? Where do the jealousy and meanness hide

? In little corners of my heart, where I’ve pushed them, hoping to hide them.

And while seemingly small, they can really affect my family, my friends, those around me, myself.

Those things that are so small…can sometimes make an impact bigger than we ever want them to.

Lots to think about tonight.

Sig

Filed Under: what I'm learning, where I am

Micah 6:8 (Part 4): Walk Humbly With Your God

April 19, 2011 by · 2 Comments

How ironic that

humility is the topic of choice following yester da

y’ s rant of

sorts.

Like I said in my follow-up post, I have a policy of not deleting posts unless there’ s a really good rea

son. The things I write reflect my heart at the time…and emotions change. I’m not making excuses, just being honest.

Yesterday was drama-ish.

I was tired, hurting, frustrated, and let two seemingly small(er) straws break the camel’s back. Personally, I think I needed a good cry…and those two things provided an outlet for just that.

And my dramatic tendencies were quickly humbled several hours later when I opened an e-mail…and we’re delighted to let you know that we want

to share your submission with our community.

First reaction? Big smile.

Second? Ohhhh… what did I just splash onto this blog

?

Mel. Has. Been. Humbled.

Happens often.

Of course, because of yesterday’s events, being humble is in the forefront of my mind. Obviously, I need to work on it…and because of that, it’s worth processing on the blog.

When I think of the three things that God tell us to do in Micah 6:8…Do Justice, Love Kindness, Walk Humbly with your God…for some reason, humility stands out. Maybe because it’s attached to the phrase “with your God”.

Humility cannot be achieved alone.

In my own strength, I get wrapped up in myself, in the events of my life, in the things that are complicating my plans.

See a theme here?

In true humility, I would be focusing on Him instead of myself.

I have always struggled being humble.

It isn’t that I believe I’m overly and outwardly prideful, but I think that pride can often creep up and make me think I’m all that.

I was thinking about pride and the things that happened yesterday to “squash” me…first, discouragement about not hearing back from blogs I wanted to write for.

Well, Mel, what makes you worthy of that? Why is your writing good enough for that

?

Oh, ouch. Ouch. That hurt, but it’s true. Why do any of us have gifts? It isn’t because of anything we’ve done, rather what He’s done.

Then the video. Could it be that I was a little bit prideful with that, too

? I don’t know…I didn’t think so at the time, but maybe there was a l ittle of

it creeping up somewhere.

Double ouch.

(And we found out last night that there was a problem with the clip we sent…apparently the format we used is difficult with Macs sometimes, which I didn’t know. The guy in charge of the project was so nice about it and apologized…it definitely wasn’t his fault at all. He even offered me another chance in the future, and that blessed my heart.)

And then how does God remind me of His faithfulness, although I have had such an awful, me-me-me day?

He gives me one of the desires of my heart.

Oh, when will I learn

?

Today I am thankful for a Father who gently humbles his children with love and compassion. Who sees a hurting child and, despite her selfishness and pride, continues to give and bless.

Humility is a journey…one that none of us will ever truly complete, but we can keep trying and hanging on to His hand as we walk with Him.

I’m so thankful that He’s willing to walk with me no matter what.

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am

Grace

April 9, 2011 by · 2 Comments

The whole concept of grace has co me

up often in my life lately.

First, I was convicted several times about showing grace to others, especially to those I don’t often agree with.

Then, I read two really well-written, thought-provoking posts about it within days of each other. They both echoed so well the thoughts that had been swirling around in my mind.

I spent a few days processing the whole topic and decided maybe today was a good day for it. And honestly, my thoughts only begin to scratch the surface of what’s going on in my heart…but they’re a start.

Several years ago I sang a song, Grace, with another girl at church. The song itself isn’t really my style, but at the same time,

the words and message of it are so good.

So. Good.

Grace

Lord, as I seek Your guidance for the day,
I find my thoughts unyielding, confusion clouds my way.
But then when I bow to You, the challenges You guide me through,
Your promises are ever new, I claim them for today.

Your will can not lead me where Your grace will

not keep me,
Your hand will protect me, I rest in Your care.
Your eyes will watch over me, Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering, I still will find You there.

Each new day’s design is charted by Your hand
And graciously revealed as I seek Your Master plan.
Keep my steps faithful when from you I go,
Return me to the joy that Your blessings can bestow.

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me,
Your hand will protect me, I rest in Your care.
Your eyes will watch over me, Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering I still will find You there.

Wow.

So, if this is Grace…the Grace that has been so freely, amazingly, lavished on me…what kind of Grace I am I showing to others

?

I often discuss and complain about the lack of grace I felt growing up in a fundamental Baptist church and while attending a conservative Baptist college.

Life was a series of rules and expectations…and there was not room to mess up, to question…really, to even wonder.

That life threw me for a loop and made me want to do a 180.

I don’t think I ever really flipped completely, but I definitely looked for ways to feed my “rebellious” streak without actually hurting anyone.

I pierced my belly button because I could. I went to movies because I could. I listened to whatever music I wanted because I could.

And I laugh when I look back because none of those things were wrong…they just went against what I had been told was acceptable. However, the attitude of my heart was wrong. And I never really desired to do “bad” things…I just desired to be me.

Because God’s Grace gives me the freedom to be who He has created me to be.

It gives each of us that freedom.

Over time, Tobin and I have come to where we stand on things. These choices and decisions would disappoint some people, but we came to the conclusion that we’re done trying to please others. That is not, nor has it ever been, the purpose of a relationship with God.

And in that choosing, I think I let my mind become intolerant of those with whom I strongly disagreed, specifically those who are more conservative. It isn’t like I found pleasure in ridiculing or making fun of them.

Honestly, I just thought they were crazy for not being able to see.

And a few weeks ago I was smacked upside the head with just how wrong and sinful that mindset is.

It has long frustrated me that I have felt so judged in the past for choices that I have made, never fully comprehending that I’ve been subconsciously…or not…judging others in the same way.

Sometimes I wonder…what the world would look like with a lot less judgment and a lot more grace.

Or a lot less hatred and a lot more love. Or a lot less me and a lot more Him.

He guides me; He keeps me; He gives new promises each day. He watches over me; He forgives me; when I mess up, He’s still there. He gives joy. He blesses.

All of these, and so much more, are Grace.

He bestows it to me each and every day.

The least I can do is show this Grace in return.

Father, thank you for Grace, the Grace that you show me each and every day.

Thank you for not taking away that Grace when I fail to show others the same.

Change that in me…make my life a reflection of You, of all You’ve given, of Your perfect Love.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am

Another Chance At Beautiful

April 3, 2011 by · 3 Comments

Before I even start writing today, I have to admit that

I’m surprised I’m attempting something so deep while my head is this foggy. (Yes, folks, cold #4! We are now blaming it on: a) a lack of a flu shot; and b) readjusting to American germs.)

Sure, works for me. 😀

And now that I’ve gotten that out there (mostly so you can all feel sorry for me…just kidding ;)) I’ll continue with the nitty-gritty honesty that is about to ensue.

It’s pretty gritty…just a warning.

*********************************

I w as

not really a cute girl.

I mean, as a baby/toddler/elementary student, sure. I had the cutes…most kids do. I’m actually totally in love with this super cheesy picture of me from around age 4.

I just think it captures who I am…even now. Someone who loves life, who’s willing to smile even when they hate their clothes (ICK!) and hair…true, oh-so-true, and who will add a little cheese to life…I do plenty of that.

But as a pre-teen and teenager, I hated the way I looked. I was not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn’t a stick-thin, size zero, either. I didn’t have the athletic ability to be a superstar or the name, which is what often determines the success of an athlete in a small town.

I was socially awkward and a nerd…and didn’t know what to do about it.

I struggled with friendships and longed with everything in me to be one of the cool kids.

I wanted so, so badly to be

Beautiful.

Nothing in me was even remotely close to it. I never had the right haircut, the right clothes, or the right people to think I might be. In fact, the only picture I have of me during that time is this one. Just check out that perm…can we scream, “90’s!” really loud, all together now?! Geez…I can’t believe I paid money for that. Ugh.

Eventually I “grew up” (haha, I know you’re all thinkin’ it! :D) and went to college, met my wonderful man, got married, had some adventures, and had my amazing baby girl.

And during that period of growing up, of course the true concept of beauty began to weave its way into my heart.

I know, now, that it isn’t the clothes I wear or what my hair looks like, although I’d like to think I’ve improved somewhat in those areas. :) I know, too, that it’s not about being friends with the cool people, although I think my friends are the absolute best! And that it’s not about driving the coolest car (although we rock the Dodge Caravan…they should soooo hire us for a commercial…) or having the most expensive house or things.

We all know that true beauty is on the inside.

But what does that beauty look like? I’ve been sorting out that concept in my head for a couple days. And came to the conclusion that

I am not beautiful.

I get jealous,

I get irritated, I get impatient. I get mean, I say things I shouldn’t, I get selfish. I mean, not all the time…but those things? They are present in my life now and then.

And it’s ugly.

I think the most amazing beauty emerges when a person is handed something ugly and chooses to make it beautiful.

My life…was ugly. Full of sin, brokenness, and anger.

I could go into minute details, but those of you closest to me don’ t need

them because you already know.

When I was sixteen, I was about as broken as a person could be…and for all purposes, abandoned, alone to sort out the mess that my life had become.

And then…I look. At the following sixteen years, and how God redeemed. How He fixed cracks and glued pieces and made things new out of shards of shatteredness.

He took a life that looked hopeless and gave me a reason to hope.

That’s beautiful.

He didn’t make everything perfect or the pain go away.

Instead, He taught me that there is beauty when we choose to rise above pain and make something out of it. But not on our own…in HIS strength.

And each day I have the choice to be

Beautiful.

A choice to put aside feelings of anger and jealousy and let the love of God control me and what goes on in my heart and actions.

To let Him take the pieces and use them for His glory.

Every single day I have

Another chance at beautiful.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am

Open

April 1, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Ok…no idea where this post is really going, but for the first time in several weeks, I feel the words…

Burning.

Returning.

Ready to fly.

So here we go!

A couple weeks ago I was chatting with a friend, and she informed that I’m the most open person she knows. I was slightly taken aback by this…not offended…but definitely surprised.

It wasn’t that her comment made me upset…but it must have hit a buried nerve because I immediately jumped in to defend myself.

Because according to me at the time,

I was not open…there were far more things I could be sharing that I was choosing to keep private!

And I cited a few examples, then we chatted a bit more about it, and then moved on to something else.

The conversation didn’t really bug me, but I haven’t really forgotten about it. Occasionally it will creep up to nag at me and make me want to blog about the color of my walls instead

of the color of my heart.

Then today, I read a quote on Twitter that stopped me in my blogging tracks.

And I am totally stealing it. 😉

My naive approach to authenticity often led to my assuming everyone wore heart-covered sleeves like mine.

Holy cow, the light goes on!

Not just on but EXPLOSIVELY, SPOTLIGHT, IN-MY-FACE, ON!

I. Get. It. I am open. And authentic. And I totally rock a fashion statement that I unknowingly expect everyone else to follow.

Authenticity is a scary thing…to be real, to splash those feelings out, to go to that proverbial place of honesty and heart pouring…the place in which I live all the time and share on my blog some of the time.

But the thing is… this is my space.

It’s probably the only place in the world where I am truly me all the time…pure, honest-to-goodness, everything-out-on-the-table, wiping-away-tears-as-I-let-my-heart-go…Mel.

It’s me…who I was, who I am, who I’m becoming, who I hope to someday be.

So I’ m no longer afraid of being open or authentic.

And I’ ll wear those hearts because they depict who I am.

(And cause I think they’re cool. ;))

And I’ll choose to embrace the fact that, though my life is a mostly open book, that’s a good thing.

Read away.

Love you all.

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

Where I Am…With Some Coffee Thrown In

March 31, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Ok, I liked my coffee post so much last Thursday that I decided we may have a new tradition going. So grab a cup of your favorite joe, kick off your shoes, and let’s chat!

And please forgive the hair in the photo today…I let it go curly this morning,

and I never know quite what it will look like when I do that. :) Today wasn’t nearly as crazy as it can be…really, not even close, but it wasn’t fabulous, either. I decided a flower headband would make everything better. Never mind that I’m 32 years old…no comments please. (32 year olds can wear headbands, right

? Why does it feel so wrong?!)

Anyway, today I’m drinking the same stuff as last week…decaf with caramel vanilla creamer.

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! This time it’s out of my Jakarta mug, though. I have six Indonesia “City” Mugs…Jakarta, Bandung, Surabaya, Medan, Jogjakarta, and Bali. I had a goal while I was there to actually go to Starbucks in each of those cities and buy the corresponding mug there. I was successful and pretty stinkin’ proud of it, until they opened a Starbucks in Bogor during the last few months I was in Indonesia.

I didn’t make it there…so I’ve got six out of seven. The Jakarta mug was actually the last one I purchased…in the airport on my way home last April. And one of those cities (Surabaya) I flew to with some friends just so we could go to Starbucks and buy the mug.

True story. 😀 Although we did make a girls’ weekend of it to stay at the Sheraton, hang at the pool, and drink coffee. (Ahem…multiple cups of coffee…) All weekend…tons of fun!

I’m sitting here on a sunny Thursday afternoon wishing that Maelie and I were at the park. However, we passed on her morning nap and went to the outlet mall with some friends.

So there’s no way we can skip the afternoon one…and she is currently fighting me with everything she has, but she’ll give in. She’s too tired to not sleep. In fact, I think she’s out now…aaaah. Peace.

So we browsed a few kids’ stores this morning. I was looking for a few things for Mae…and maybe I’m cheap, but I’m not willing to pay even most of the clearance prices we found today. Sorry, but $11 for a little sweater is not a deal. Bummer, too, cause it was way too adorable.

:) I did find a couple cu-UTE flower headbands for her, though, one she can wear on Easter Sunday with this precious little daisy sundress I have for her.

And a pair of sunglasses with some bling, cause a girl always needs some sparkles, huh? The Children’s Place was good for stuff like that…I didn’t think the prices were bad at all.

Maelie and I shared a piece of pizza for lunch…well, I use the word “shared” loosely. (I ate 90% of it. :)) It blows my mind that she is eating the same things we do. And reaching for my coffee and Diet Pepsi…which I haven’t given her yet, so relax. :) My little girl is growing up way too fast. But I love it.

Love it, love it, love it. Love HER.

We had a (real, not virtual) coffee date yesterday with one of our favorite friends. It was fun to get out of the house, have some time to chat and catch up, and give Maelie a chance to spread some love (and Cheerios) all over Starbucks. I realized when I got home that the bag of chocolate I took with me never made it out of my purse…sad, cause I think coffee tastes better with chocolate and chocolate tastes better with coffee. And coffee and chocolate are both better with a friend. So it’s win-win-win. Another bummer…at least I’ll have some for next time if I don’t eat it all first!

So enough small talk.

Eventually we’ll get past what happened yesterday and today and talk about other stuff.

Like the house. The topic currently occupies most of my brain, but I attempt to push it back as far as possible so I can focus on other things.

Things are looking good, though…and my emotions and hopes are already way too high. Do I dare plan for this or do I need to start on a Plan B?

I realized in typing that last paragraph that it is so me to try figuring out things all on my own. I really just need to let go of this and trust Him to work it all out. And mostly, I have…I just have a hard time with the trusting part. As a follower of Christ, I know so much…but knowing it and believing it are two different things. I’m working on letting go…but it’s tough. Cause I don’t want to…but that’s just me being selfish.

It’s part of the refining process…I know God is teaching me things through this, and that I need to keep my heart soft enough for the changes He wants to make. If God wants to change something in me, it has to be good because He’s not exactly in the business of doing bad.

I so need to get over myself.

I caught myself being selfish yesterday with my time and taking it out on my girl. I sometimes forget that Maelie is: a) 9 months old; b) active and energetic; c) a normal kid; and d) incapable of reasoning why she should behave a certain way. Therefore, when I take her to Starbucks, I should not expect her

to sit there like an angel, totally engaged in the conversation going on.

She doesn’ t work

that way. I truly don’t see her as an annoyance…she is such a blessing, and I really do love my girl, but yesterday I think I treated her like she was getting in the way of my plans. Father, please forgive me. And I already asked Maelie to forgive me. Which she responded to with a giggle, so I translated that as a yes.

And then we giggled together some more.

Cause we’re just like that. :)

That’s something I’m trying to work on as a mom…even now. When I need to apologize to my child(ren) that I take the time to make things right…even if they don’t understand what’ s going on.

Parenting is humbling, isn’t it?

Despite the challenges, though…and the lack of peaceful coffee dates ;)…I love this girl.

She brings so much joy to my days. I just really, really love her.

I could keep going, but I’ve already hit over 1,000 words…and I need to save some for later!

Tobin and I have been reading through the book of John during Lent this year. I have to admit that it means a lot more to me this year, and I’m not quite sure why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we are purposely (re)evaluating why we believe what we believe. And getting to the core of what faith really is and what it means to truly have that relationship with Christ. Without citing specific examples, just reading Scripture together is speaking Truth into our lives, whether we discuss it or not.

And for now, that’s enough…God is meeting us exactly where we are with what we need.

I love that about Him.

Well, over 1200 words later, you’ve made it through another lengthy coffee date.

Thanks for joining me. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, coffee, friends, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

Micah 6:8 (Part 3): Love Kindness

March 22, 2011 by · 1 Comment

So I am somewhat hesitantly picking up

thi s

post and running with it tonight. I’ve inadvertently been putting it off for weeks awhile now.

The word kindness has perpetually been in my mind for the past several days and the need to write about it has been nagging.

Annoyingly nagging.

Which probably means there’s something I need to think about.

I don’t think any of us are ever intentionally mean to others…ok, I take that back. There are bullies in the world who just love to be mean.

Sadly, I’ve encountered a few.

I don’t get people like that and I stopped trying long ago to understand them.

The only thing I can conclude is that they need Jesus.

But I’ m getting ahead of

myself.

So let me tell you a little story here that has to do with adorable, little Mel (approximately age 5) being not so nice to cute, little Becky (approximately age 4). (Becky, I hope you don’t mind that I’m telling this story. :D)

My two best friends growing up were sisters, Missy and Becky. We basically grew up together and remain best friends today. Their mom would babysit me and often they’d come over to my house, too, and one Sunday afternoon they came over to play after church. We usually played Barbies or with my Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

I remember that we started to argue over who got to play with Orange Blossom, the favorite doll among the three of us. Somehow Becky ended up with that one, and I wanted it.

I remember staring at her as she unassumingly giggled.

She really had no idea what I was thinking.

And then, it happened.

I punched her in the stomach.

We joke about it today, but I. got. in. BIG. trouble.

The funny thing is that I don’t even really know why I hit her…I just think I was annoyed with the fact that she had what I wanted.

There were consequences…I’m pretty sure I got sent to my room while Missy and Becky continued to play. And worse than that was how horrible I felt, even at the age of 5…ish. I had been mean to my best friend and hurt her feelings.

(But I didn’t really hurt her stomach…she told me that later.

:))

I have often thought back to that moment and realized that if

I had just thought about it for a minute, I never would have hit her.

And if I think about that now?

Well, I’ve grown up. I don’t go around hitting people anymore. 😉

But there are other ways to be unkind, to do damage.

And most often, it’s with our words.

I always have open-mouth-insert-foot moments. I know I am bad about speaking before I’ve fully processed the words about to come out of my mouth. It’s never intentional…but that doesn’t make it right.

Part of being kind is stopping to consider others’ feelings.

We saw the ultimate example of k indness

in Jesus. He lived a perfect life, walked among sinners, and loved them anyway. He loved them with his words and actions and ultimately, his sacrifice for us on the cross.

The least I can do is work on loving others with my actions and words.

I’m not perfect…and that has ever-so-in-my-face been pointed out to me the past week or so. But when I know there’s something I should be working on…well, I should do it.

Father, guard my actions and my tongue…help me to show kindness in the way I treat others and speak to them.

P.S. And a little treat for ya all…the three amigos from about the year 1987, give or take.

:) Aren’t we so cute? (And I am such a dork…in an equally dorky outfit. ;)) Here’s to happy memories. I love these girls!

Sig

Filed Under: friends, remembering, what I'm learning
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