I sat in the pew while he preached yesterday.
Tears brimmed on my lower lids the entire time. The only reason I wouldn’t let them fall is because I didn’t want my eyes to get all streaky before communion.
You know, when someone might notice the black streaks as I made my way back to my seat.
Stupid pride.
He preached about Jesus riding into Jerusalem on the donkey and how the onlookers spread their cloaks and branches, shouting,
Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!
We all know the story…while it was a celebration, the darkest day in history was well on its way.
And the problem was…I knew the story. I’ve heard it a hundred times, more than a hundred.
I keep hoping that this will be the year I feel something.
I’m waiting to feel.
Stupid feelings.
Just about anything can usually make me cry.
I sob buckets at movies.
If I ever argue with T, I’m almost always in tears at some point.
Frustrations make me cry.
Sad makes me cry.
Heck, happy makes me cry, too.
I feel…it’s how He wired me, and I accept that and always make sure I have a tissue.
I usually don’t. 😉
But I have a hard time with being able to accept that when it comes to my faith, it’s so hard for me to feel anything.
I get that a relationship with my Father is not about feelings. It’s not about emotions that pour all over the red carpet of ILC. It’s not about tears that stream down my face as I sing about all He’s done for me.
It is, in fact, about knowing Truth and trusting it even when I don’t feel it.
Yes, there have been times when I’ve cried out to God, literally…and many of them.
Yes, there have been days when I’ve heard a sermon preached and it’s moved me to tears.
There have been life-changing days when I’ve witnessed, firsthand, the power of my Father in transforming a life.
But then there are days like today…days like Palm Sunday when the church is gearing up for Holy Week and Resurrection Sunday and everyone around me seems to be so in awe and emotional…and I sit there.
Oh, the tears were brimming, but it wasn’t because I felt.
It was because I didn’t. And I wanted to. So badly.
In a raw moment, I’m going to say something, in hopes that maybe some of you can relate.
I don’t have an amazing conversion story.
What I have are pieces of ugly and unsure, steps that are hesitant and and taken in fear…that my Father has somehow woven together into a becoming-beautiful journey of trust and acceptance and assurance and surrender.
It’s not perfect, and I know what it’s like to fail.
But I do know…That I’m a sinner. That my Jesus died to forgive my sins. That my Father in Heaven loves me. That He has an eternal home for me in heaven. That I should tell the world.
And I believe it with all my heart.
It’s almost a little too simple, but it’s what He wrote for me, as only He can, and it’s what I desperately cling to on mornings like yesterday when the feelings are absent and it’s too easy to let the guilt become shameful.
It’s Holy Week.
And I know I’ll spend a lot of it reflecting, but while I reflect and regardless of what I feel, I know I need to remind myself that it’s not about feelings…
But about knowing the beauty of what came from that dark Friday so many years ago and trusting that He did it for me.
And you.
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