On Love, Laughter…and Love

March 18, 2011 by · 2 Comments

I’ll be the first to admit that mommyhood has not at all

been what I thought it would be. In some ways it’s been far better…in a few areas, I’ve struggled.

But the one thing I can’t get over is the Love.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I Love my girl so much.

She just makes my heart pitter patter.

I love it when she gives me that snarky, I’m-so-up-to-something-naughty look along with her 7-tooth grin…and I just melt. I love waking her up in the morning and seeing her cute little get-me-out-of-this sleep-sack stretch. I love her morning playtime in her pack and play when she sits there and talks to herself in the sweetest, high-pitched voice. I love the few snuggles she will give me just before I put her down for a nap. I love it when she giggles at the dogs while trying to grab fists full of their fur.

I love the Daddy-Mommy-Maelie hug we all have toge

ther before bedtime.

She also cracks me up.

Oh, she makes me Laugh.

She is going to be a really funny kid…and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 😉

She makes me laugh when she clamps down on her spoon when I’m trying to feed her.

(It takes some muscle to wrestle it away from her, too!) I laugh when I pick up a toy that she’s dropped and she looks at me, kind of does this weird thing with her eyebrows, and then drops it again. (Of course I pick it up!) She makes me laugh when she crawls backwards and ends up with her butt under the couch.

(It’s only happened a couple of times, but boy, is it funny!) She makes me laugh when she sings with me…which she does several times a day.

She makes me laugh when she gets excited and waves her hands back and forth at incredibly high speeds. I love it when I get her to giggle, and then I giggle back, and she giggles back…and we just keep going. It’s hilarious.

I love it when she makes me Laugh.

Sure, I haven’t had more than six hours of sleep without waking up since June.

Sure, my baby belly is still slightly pooching over my jeans nine months later. Yeah, on the days she goes napless, she makes me want to bury my head under a pillow

to drown out the noise. (Sometimes I do.

Shhh…don’t tell. ;)) And yes, since having her, the number of times that Tobin and I have sat through a church service together, I can count on one hand. (And don’t even ask me about the Lent service two nights ago.)

But there’s just so much…Love.

And Laughter.

And Love.

I love what she’s brought to our lives.

I’m pretty sure that being mommy to this girl is the best thing ever.

I’m so thankful.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie

In His Time

February 27, 2011 by · 3 Comments

Today I started briefly sketching out

an idea for a painting I want to do for Maelie’s room.

It’s really simple, which is a good thing, because I am NOT an artist…just a person with random moments of artistic talent.

Just a flower with the words, “He makes everything beautiful in His time.”

She doesn’t know it yet, but that’s pretty much the story of her life,

the story I want her to know.

**********************

I am terrible at waiting.

I do not like to be waiting in line at the grocery store, standing around at the end of the bar waiting for my coffee, and in Indonesia, I really hated waiting for a taxi. (Mostly because I knew that it could be as little as two minutes or as long as two hours before one showed up.

And who knows what the weather would do while I waited?)

Although I am not really Type A, I tend to have a plan for my day…and my life. I know how I want things done, and while there is definitely room to be spontaneous, I like it when my expectations are met. Exceeded is even better.

:)

My husband and I are in the middle of more waiting.

We made an offer on a house this past week.

It’s a house we love and where we see ourselves raising our family. Great neighborhood and location, close to friends

and church. Yeah, it’s the one we’re renting. I love it.

And I want it so badly I can hardly stand it.

I don’t want to wait…I just want an answer. I don’t even know how I’m going to sleep until we know. And the reality is, we may not know for awhile.

I think back not so long ago when we were waiting for something else.

A child.

At times it felt like it would never happen.

I watched as, what seemed like, everyone around me had babies. Multiple babies. Even some of my friends were adopting.

And I? Was just waiting with empty arms and a heart that was hurting more and more the longer we waited.

And in the middle of that waiting, I started wondering, “Is it really waiting if there’s nothing to wait for?”

Oh, Mel…such small faith.

Easy for me to say now, I guess.

At the time, it felt like God was always saying no. “No, I don’t want you to adopt this baby. No, I don’t want you to have this one.”

And then…He said yes.

I still smile really, really, B

IG when I remember the morning we got the positive pregnancy test. It meant about 7 1/2 more months of waiting, but I didn’t care one bit.

We were going to have a baby!

And then…the puking started. And didn’t stop.

I learned even more about waiting while I experienced 24/7 sickness for 18 weeks straight. My body was so physically weak and exhausted that showering and getting dressed were major accomplishments. My head hurt so bad that I could hardly look at a computer or tv screen or read a book.

Really, what does a person do with all of that time? I learned that there was nothing else I could do but pray…and wait it out.

And while it was horrible, we still knew that God was fulfilling His plan for our family in His time. There was comfort in that even though I felt absolutely awful.

And eventually, around the middle of the sixth month, I did stop puking and my head stopped hurting so much. I actually felt somewhat normal and was able to enjoy life…and begin to excitedly dream about the little girl we would be welcoming into our family so soon.

And before we knew it, June 14 was here, and Maelie arrived!

The waiting was long…and hard. But she was so, so worth the wait.

And whether I’m waiting for a baby or a house, I know that God will give us an answer in His time.

Father, remind me of this on the days I don’t feel like waiting.

In His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful
In His time.
Lord, please show me every day,
As You’re teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say
In Your time.

In Your time,
In Your time,
You make all things beautiful
In Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing
In Your time.

Sig

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, encouragement, family, what I'm learning

I Love My Girl

February 21, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Ok, I’m gonna do some mommy bragging today. :) I really try not to do too much of that, but I do think I have the coolest girl in the world.

Anyway…

My sweet Mae had a rough week/weekend.

It actually started last Tuesday night/Wednesday with a cough. Things got worse, and by Thursday night she had a high(er) fever going.

Friday she seemed to be ok, but things got bad again at night, and her temp hovered around 102.2 or so.

We decided it was time to take her to the doctor so we headed there on Saturday morning.

He checked her out, said she had an ear infection and RSV, and told us to give it a couple more days but he would write a prescription for her “just in case”.

Just in case?

Ok.

Maybe I’m off here, but isn’t three days of a fever enough? Tylenol obviously wasn’t doing the trick.

We waited it out anyway, and I put her to bed around 8:00.

She woke up crying at 9:45 or so and I went to change her diaper and take her temperature.

103.6

My heart started to pound.

I didn’t even k now

what to do at that point, so I sent a text

to my friend.

We gave her some tylenol and prayed over

her. I took off her clothes and she sat around in her diaper. (We had company…she’ ll be embarrassed someday.

:))

I heard back from my friend and figured that I was doing what I could for now.

Hopefully she’d be better in the morning.

I packed her into her carseat (she sleeps there sometimes) and spent a very fitful night on the couch with her next to me.

She didn’t sleep more than a couple hours at a time, so neither did I.

Poor girl.

But what gets me about the whole thing is that I knew she was feeling awful.

All I had to do is look at her eyes and I could tell she was just not herself.

She was more clingy and cuddly and just wanted to be held, but she wasn’t super whiny or crying…in fact, she was pretty happy (and even laughing!) for having the temperature she did.

I love my girl…and what she teaches me without even trying.

That even on the bad days it’s ok to smile. That we can feel awful and still be a blessing to others around us. That laughter can sometimes truly be the best medicine.

We got the prescription filled yesterday (Thank you, Target Pharmacy, for being open on Sundays.) and gave her a dose of amoxicillin. Which she happily slurped up…and thank you, God, for giving me a girl who will take her medicine. :)

She’s still not quite back to normal…it will probably be another day or so…but she still took some time to laugh with her daddy yesterday afternoon and snuggle with me. And we even got out of the house for a bit today with a friend, and she did great!

Tobin took a few pictures of her this past week that are

too cute not to share. Enjoy them. :)

Love her!

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, Maelie

Micah 6:8 (Part 2): Do Justice

February 8, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

On my first day of 5th grade, I was seated next to a boy named…we’ll call him N, on the off chance that he ever sees this. :)

N had a dirty mouth. We are talking Dir. Ty.

Every other sentence was riddled with nasty words…every bad word you can think of…repeatedly. Every single day.

All day long.

Imagine the “fun” he had when he learned that I couldn’t stand his excessive swearing.

(And really, I don’t think it was that I’d fully learned that I shouldn’t talk dirty yet…I think any normal person would have been sick of it after five minutes.) Anyway.

He took every opportunity he could to make me mad…and eventually he resorted to calling me some of those names.

Sometime around October…since I’d been putting up with it for weeks…I decided it was time to administer some justice. (After all, I was a cop’s daughter…I knew all about justice, right

? :)) I took my elbow and I jabbed him. Hard.

I learned quickly that this jab would shut him up for a few blessed, peaceful minutes. And so I used it as my tactic for bringing some san

ity to my day.

Eventually we switched seats, and thankfully, he moved on to share his wonderful language with another poor, unsuspecting student. Although I silently rejoiced that I no longer had to sit by N, I felt sorry for the student who now had to put up with him.

Imagine my surprise when we switched seats a few months later…and who did I get the utter privilege to sit by again?

You guessed it.

And he hadn’t changed a bit.

Thankfully I had a tried and true method and I wasn’t afraid to use it.

Multiple times a day I would take my elbow and jab him as hard as I could once he got going on his swearing rampage.

A couple times he even said, “Ouch!”…and oh, the joy I felt.

Until one day…when I wasn’t careful enough.

Just as N finished calling me yet another name, I let him have it.

And Ms. S. saw.

Oh boy, did I get it.

Yeah, that’s right. I got it. Not him. Me.

I don’t remember what the punishment was. I think I got my name on the board and had to write sentences or something.

But what got me about the whole thing was that I got in trouble.

Wasn’t I just doing the right thing

?

Well, that’s subjective, I guess.

And I have to be honest here…a tiny bit of me still flares up when I think of that moment and how justice was served to one person, but not both. I am sure that I (and probably others) informed my teacher of exactly why I was using the elbow jab. But it didn’t matter. Physical violence was not tolerated.

I guess the school hadn’t yet realized that verbal can be worse.

So the whole idea of justice…yeah, it came up in my life at an early age.

But what does it mean exactly?

Justice. God tells us to do it–the version of the Bible I grew up with words it a little differently…to do justly. I don’t think He meant that I should repeatedly use my own form of justice to punish someone, though.

Every night Tobin and I pray for Maelie.

We have a list of 31 character traits, and we pray one for her

each night. Last night was justice…and I couldn’t help thinking of this story as I prayed for her.

What do I pray for her in terms of justice?

Well, first off, I never want her to be treated unfairly.

(Mommy hat on here…) I never want her to treat others unfairly. I want her to learn that when we do wrong there are consequences to our actions; but on the flip side of that, she should know that there are rewards when we obey…and that God rewards those who obey as well.

I want to be an example of that in Maelie’s life. When Tobin and I have an argument, do I treat him justly or am I unreasonable? When I get frustrated or upset with something do I react in an appropriate manner or do I lash out? Sure, she’s not old enough to understand…yet. But I’d rather not wait for the day she can understand to make sure that my thoughts, words, and actions toward others are just.

And I think that’s where the other parts of this verse come in…love kindness (mercy) and walk humbly.

(Parts 3 & 4) God knew what He was doing when He wrote that verse.

:) When we do justly, kindness and humility should be the products from our actions.

If I could go back to that situation in 5th grade, knowing what I know now, I would probably handle it differently. (Chances are the school would, too…now that bullying is an actual issue that is being addressed and not swept under the rug. But that’s not the point.) Regardless of how I was treated, my actions should have displayed kindness…such as ignoring him or trying to talk to him; and humility…not creating drama (who, me? :)) by continually elbowing him.

Ah, the lessons we learn much later than we should.

I don’t know where N is today…but I hope a lot of things for him–the obvious, that he’s cleaned up his mouth and his life. But more important, that he’s found forgiveness and hope.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, remembering, what I'm learning

A Powerful Mommy Moment

February 6, 2011 by · 58 Comments

I’m not even sure I know how to write about this.

It took

me over a week just to put the feeling into words.

But I’ll try.

One of the hardest things my husband and I have gone through in our married life was in 2009 when our plan to adopt fell through. I blogged a little about it here and here.

At that time, I almost completely lost the ability to write…hence the reason there are really only two posts about the subject.

However, one thing I found solace in was music…it was like an escape for my soul. Whether drowning out the world with my iPod and headphones or belting out a tune while strumming my guitar, it helped me survive when life felt like it would never be ok again. And one Friday afternoon in my classroom, the words to a song just came to me. The chorus? Came in like ten seconds.

The verses took about an hour. The bridge…I’ m still waiting on.

Sometimes in the mornings, Maelie will play on the floor and I’ll pull out my guitar and sing to her. Last Friday, in an attempt to get her to spend more time on her tummy, I decided it was a good day for some music. I strummed through a few familiar songs and then played the one I wrote two years ago…a song I really hadn’t touched since then. I’m used to her cooing or bopping to the music, but when I started singing that one, she stopped and stared at me intently, almost as if she understood what I was singing about.

And then I realized, Now I get it, too.

It was a moment that brought tears…but so many reasons to smile, too.

I am so very thankful for my daughter…not just for her but for what I’ve learned through her. That my Father is so amazingly Good. That there is healing after loss.

That it is possible to love even through sadness.

I am just so filled with overwhelming gratitude to God for my sweet girl.

Maelie Naomi, I love you so much.

Thank you, Father, for broken dreams that turn into something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for seeing when I couldn’t.

There I Am

It wasn’t what she’d dreamed,
She’d always had a plan.


It wasn’t what she wanted,
And she didn’t understand.
Every night she prayed
For a way to make it through.
In the sleepless nights she heard His voice,
“I will carry you…

Chorus

I was there, and I still Am.
I am right beside you holding your hand.


Though you can’t see,
Trust that I can.


No matter where you go,
There I Am.”

Disclaimer: So I did attempt to record this (it’s only part of the song), but my computer’s not the greatest for this kind of thing.

And I don’t really write songs. And I desperately needed to change one of my guitar strings.

And… I was really freaked out about posting myself singing on this blog.

So a little mercy, please. :) And…ok, just listen to it.

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Sig

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, Maelie, music, remembering, what I'm learning

The Words I Would Say

February 3, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

I had the most precious cuddle time with my girl this morning.

Th at is

a very rare thing.

I don’t mean that she isn’t sweet or huggable…just that she’s never really been a cuddler. (With me, anyway… she does cuddle with Aunt Kris once in awhile.

:))

We’ve been waiting for her top two middle teeth to come through for the past couple weeks…and we are still waiting. And while we wait, she is cranky and doesn’t feel well. But this morning she decided that instead of being fussy, she would cuddle up close, which was an amazing surprise, and I loved it.

I just sat on the couch and held her, and it was probably the best part of my day.

And while I was holding her, I was thinking about parenting and all that we’ve learned since Mae was born in June.

Like how little sleep we can actually survive on.

Or that she consumes the majority of our time…and that’s ok. And that time for just the two of us is precious because it doesn’ t happen of

ten.

And that having a daughter is the best thing that’s ever happened to us.

I heard the song “The Words I Would Say” by Sidewalk Prophets awhile ago, and it immediately connected w

ith my heart.

Not all of it applies, but the chorus especially made me think of Maelie and the things that I want her to know about life…well, as soon as she’s old enough to understand. :)

This is such a great song…and I found several different versions on Youtube if you like free. But it’s definitely worth your m oney

on iTunes, too.

:)

The Words I Would Say

Three in the morning,
And I’m still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I’d say,
If we were face to face,
I’d tell you just what you mean to me,
I’d tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I’ve already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, Maelie, music

today…

January 26, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

I’m going on about five hours of sleep…which is partially my fault, but not really.

Maelie has a cold, and I was up several times during the night to check on her.

I have spit up and snot (MAE’S spit up and snot…just clarifying :)) all over my hoodie.

But what’ s the point of changing clothes? It’s just going to happen again.

I have yet to make it out of my pajamas or see the shower today, but it must happen before 6 pm because I actually have to go somewhere tonight.

My hair is a mess and I realized I haven’t done anything to it since…um…Monday morning.

I had leftover noodles for breakfast because I was too tired to look for anything else. (And I AM a little bit Indonesian, so noodles work.)

My eyes are streaky from the mascara and eyeliner I (ahem) never took off last night, and I probably stink.

I’ve already had more coffee today than a person should consume in a week…and have probably reached my daily calorie allowance through coffee creamer alone.

My girl is finally down for her nap…hoping she feels better when she wakes up.

I love being a mommy…even on the days I never make it to the shower.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy

Back to it…and Maelie survives Daycare (gasp!)

January 25, 2011 by · 1 Comment

My sweet, precious daughter is 7 1/2 months old. She is cute, she laughs, she “sings”, she rolls over and is “beginning” to crawl (aka: wiggle herself everywhere), she chows down her baby food…she does all those awesome things that a 7 1/2 month old does. I love each and every day I spend with her.

But I DON’T love…what’s left of the baby belly.

I don’t just sit around. Goodness, I have a baby, which is enough to keep me busy all day long! When I have time I squeeze in some Pilates, and I make a conscious effort to run up and down our very steep staircase at least ten times a day. (That’s gotta be good for the butt, right?)

But I still have the baby belly…and I’m not really sure it’s going to go away.

I mean…I trained for a 5k for 2 1/2 months AND I actually ran the whole thing. But once it was over, I kind of lost my motivation to get up at 6 a.m. to go for a run. (Gee, I wonder why?!) I did squeeze back into my pre-prego jeans, but let’s be honest, they don’t fit like they used to.

So, really, I’ve got to make a decision here.

Either go hard core (no pun intended) and lose this thing or buy some bigger pants.

My sweet friend, Alison, decided to come to my rescue and force strongly encourage me to go for a run with her this morning.

So she picked me up and we headed to the community center to use the track.

(You can see how much I go here as I don’t even remember the actual name of where we went!) The one catch? No kids allowed.

Maelie would have to go to DAYCARE for an hour.

(I swore off daycare ages ago.)

But I decided it would be good for her AND me…and so I delivered her to the room, signed her in, and held back the tears. I can do this, I can do this, I chant to myself.

And I did. Of course I thought about her while we were running, but it was ok. I’m definitely not ready to leave her there for hours at a time, but today was a big step.

I CAN leave her for for a little while.

It was a good day.

Run…check.

Learning to let go a little bit…check.

A teeny-tiny part of my baby belly gone…check.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy
«Previous Page