A Barefoot Life

you, my readers, can have a coffee date with me through the good old blog. I’m drinking decaf (Still nursing…I’ll pay for it if I drink the real thing!) with caramel vanilla creamer. One of my favorites. If I make a whole pot, I usually drink it, so today I made just enough for 2-3 cups, depending on the size of the mug. 😉 And I’m drinking out of my very favorite mug…my Starbucks Bali one. (If you come have coffee with me in real life, I’ll even let you drink out of it.)

So go ahead and kick of your shoes (cuz barefoot is the way to go, ya know?) and grab some coffee for yourself. YOU are probably lucky and can have the real stuff.

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The first thing we’ll talk about is Spring Break and how everyone (it seems) is going somewhere except me. I think this hits extra hard because just a year ago I was soaking up the Bali sun, drinking coffee at my favorite Starbucks in the world on Kuta Beach, and shopping at my favorite markets…all of this with a 6 1/2 month prego belly.

Oh, how life has changed.

And the thing is that, though I miss these things, I wouldn’t change the way life is now. Because it’s different…but really, really good different. Everytime I see my baby girl I am reminded that though I love adventures, being a mommy is enough. I so love my girl.

But what about you? You going anywhere? You should share your stories so I can live your adventures through you.

Time to move on and talk about the weather. Can you believe there were snowflakes yesterday? Ok, so I realize that the friends in Minnesota that I’m currently having a coffee date with are like, Really, Mel, snowFLAKES? We got 8″ yesterday! Or something like that. 😉

Eventually we’ll decide that spring is just around the corner. Well, maybe…this is the midwest. Spring will for sure be here by June.

Then we might get to the deep stuff.

But not before I refill my coffee mug…be right back. 😉

You’ll hear me talk about how, despite living here for 7ish months, I’m still feeling very unsettled. Probably a few tears fall as I talk about how much my heart aches to know that I truly belong somewhere.

I’ll probably even admit to you that I often put on a brave face and act all tough and I-can-handle-this because I think it will make people believe that I really am ok.

But I’m not.

It’s not that I’m dying or anything…just that life is mixed up right now. I’m having an identity crisis, which I’ve found happens often with someone who moves around a lot.

I know it’s just a phase and it will pass, but I admit that I don’t feel like that right now. What my heart wouldn’t give to be able to walk into church and know that I really belong there and wasn’t wrestling with some pretty deep stuff. That I’d feel comfortable picking up my phone and calling a friend without worrying that I’m bothering them or getting in the way of their plans.

I guess that’s just me…worst case scenario girl.

And eventually I’ll probably open up about how insecure I’m feeling. (As if that wasn’t totally obvious after that last little paragraph.) How I worry about everything I say and wish I could take back half of it. How I wonder if I join a conversation if it’s ok to share my thoughts. How I feel like a complete stranger in a place that doesn’t feel familiar and secure.

But I’ll end with the thought that I have so many hopes and dreams for life right now. How I’m excited that out of all the places God chose to send us that it was here. That despite feelings of insecurity and not belonging that I believe we’ll get to the point where this is home and we do belong.

We might even talk about the house, too. We got some encouraging news this week and were able to resubmit an offer.

Things look promising, and of course my ENFP, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve hopes are sky high. Please pray for that. We should know soon if things are going to work out.

That would be the best news ever.

Eventually we might come around to a little more non-serious chit-chat.

Like American Idol, and how I think Pia will win it all.

Or Casey. I think the talent this year is phenomenal, and it makes me wish

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I could sing like that.

Oh, wait. I totally can.

Just kidding.

Cause I can’t…and pretty much never will be able to. So I’m content just strumming my guitar and belting out whatever tune is in my head that day. Today, it’s still “Blessings”, by Laura Story, and I’ll probably let you know (again) that I think it’s the best worship song I’ve ever heard.

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I might even sing it for you later…no, not really. (What’s the point of singing to my computer screen anyway?)

Ok, time out…I need to go throw some laundry in the washing machine. My girl went up a size in diapers yesterday…and there was a reason we moved her up a size. (I know, I know, TMI.) Let’s just say that by the end of it, she was wearing red pants with a pink onesie because that’s ALL I had left for her. So, I’ll be back in a minute.

And when I come back from doing laundry (really) I’ll tell you about the trip I took to Target last night. I needed something for Maelie, and while I was there, realized that it is March.

Um, hello?!

EASTER CANDY!

Holy cow, it was like being let loose in a candy shop. Literally.

I practiced incredible self control and only bought Cadbury eggs (the number I purchased will not be disclosed during this conversation) and jellybeans. Oh, Easter candy, it has been too long. Is is my imagination or is my belly pooching out further already?

Stupid candy.

And then I’ll tell you that the real reason I went to Target was to get a cute little flower for Maelie’s hair when she gets her nine month pictures taken today. I can’t believe it’s already been that long.

And since I know time is ticking down and that you’ve hung on with me for well over 1,000 words, I’ll wrap things up.

But not without sharing a verse or two. Lately, I’ve loved the Psalms. They just speak so much Truth and Peace to a heart that is up and down and all around.

“I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.”

Psalm 16: 8-9

He knows…it all. And that brings so much peace. I am so thankful for a Father who loves me and cares for me and accepts me the way I am…and most of all, understands me when I don’t understand myself.

So, if you made it through our whole coffee date, you survived over 1,200 words…which translates to…probably hours. See, honey, THIS is why when I go for coffee I don’t come back for hours. 😉

Love you all.

Filed Under: coffee, friends, where I am

My Favorites

March 23, 2011 by Mel · 3 Comments

In the interest of getting my blog post done BEFORE ton

ight AND so I can go to the Lent service tonight and not sit there thinking about what I should blog about…I bring you a post that doesn’t require too

much thinking…and is a teeny bit indulgent. 😀 But at least you get to find out some quirky stuff about me.)

If ~~you’re bored~~ you’ve got the time, leave me a comment with your favorites.

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Happy Wednesday! (Is it really only Wednesday?)

Ice Cream Flavor: pistachio
Sport: volleyball
Season: fall…I love the colors and crunchy leaves. But right now, I am sooooooo ready for spring!
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Hobby: Oooh, lately, I haven’ t had much
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time for one of those. Does drinking coffee coun
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t? I guess playing my guitar/singing and writing.
Song: This changes often. Right now it’s “Blessings” by Laura Story.
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Band: I have a lot…mostly CCM. I re ally like C
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asting Crowns, and I also like the Parachute Band, a pretty obscure praise and worship band from New Zealand. Best concert I’ve ever been to.
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Female artist: Bethany Dillon, Nichole Nordeman
Male artist: Chris Tomlin, Mark Schultz
Place to Hang Out: any coffee shop with a good friend
Musical: WICKED! Although, The Sound of Music is up there, too.
Book: Three Cups of Tea for intelligent reading; The Shopaholic Series for fun.
Color: turquoise/brown
Animal: golden retrievers…although I would looooove to hold a koala someday.
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Food: pizza
Drink: it’s a tie…coffee and Diet Pepsi
Subject in School: Well, it was English…forever ago. I’m also a geography rock star.
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😉
Flower: daisy
Veggie: eggplant (yeah, I know I’m weird)
Fruit: jeruk bali (from Indonesia…kind of like a grapefruit)
Music: praise and worship
Store: depends on the day…Target or Maurices
Day of the Week: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday…all of them?
Number: um, who cares
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? I guess 19. Or 3. Or 12,997.
Movie: Steel Magnolias, The Sound of Music, Anne of Green Gables Trilogy
Pizza Topping: pineapple
Fast Food Restaurant: Chipotle
Vacation: South Africa or Bali…loved them both for different reasons.
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Dessert: cheesecake…mmm, cheesecake.
TV Show: I love American Idol for sentimental reasons. The Amazing Race is my favorite, though.
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I would love,
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love, love, to be on it.
Place: I love a lot of pl
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aces. Right now, I love where I am…so I guess that’s C’ville.

Filed Under: uncategorized

Micah 6:8 (Part 3): Love Kindness

March 22, 2011 by Mel · 1 Comment

So I am somewhat hesitantly picking up

thi s

post and running with it tonight. I’ve inadvertently been putting it off for ~~weeks~~ awhile now.

The word kindness has perpetually been in my mind for the past several days and the need to write about it has been nagging.

Annoyingly nagging.

Which probably means there’s something I need to think about.

I don’t think any of us are ever intentionally mean to others…ok, I take that back. There are bullies in the world who just love to be mean.

Sadly, I’ve encountered a few.

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I don’t get people like that and I stopped trying long ago to understand them.

The only thing I can conclude is that they need Jesus.

But I’ m getting ahead of

myself.

So let me tell you a little story here that has to do with adorable, little Mel (approximately age 5) being not so nice to cute, little Becky (approximately age 4). (Becky, I hope you don’t mind that I’m telling this story. :D)

My two best friends growing up were sisters, Missy and Becky. We basically grew up together and remain best friends today. Their mom would babysit me and often they’d come over to my house, too, and one Sunday afternoon they came over to play after church. We usually played Barbies or with my Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

I remember that we started to argue over who got to play with Orange Blossom, the favorite doll among the three of us. Somehow Becky ended up with that one, and I wanted it.

I remember staring at her as she unassumingly giggled.

She really had no idea what I was thinking.

And then, it happened.

I punched her in the stomach.

We joke about it today, but I. got. in. BIG. trouble.

The funny thing is that I don’t even really know why I hit her…I just think I was annoyed with the fact that she had what I wanted.

There were consequences…I’m pretty sure I got sent to my room while Missy and Becky continued to play. And worse than that was how horrible I felt, even at the age of 5…ish. I had been mean to my best friend and hurt her feelings.

(But I didn’t really hurt her stomach…she told me that later.

:))

I have often thought back to that moment and realized that if

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I had just thought about it for a minute, I never would have hit her.

And if I think about that now?

Well, I’ve grown up. I don’t go around hitting people anymore. 😉

But there are other ways to be unkind, to do damage.

And most often, it’s with our words.

I always have open-mouth-insert-foot moments. I know I am bad about speaking before I’ve fully processed the words about to come out of my mouth. It’s never intentional…but that doesn’t make it right.

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Part of being kind is stopping to consider others’ feelings.

We saw the ultimate example of k indness

in Jesus. He lived a perfect life, walked among sinners, and loved them anyway. He loved them with his words and actions and ultimately, his sacrifice for us on the cross.

The least I can do is work on loving others with my actions and words.

I’m not perfect…and that has ever-so-in-my-face been pointed out to me the past week or so. But when I know there’s something I should be working on…well, I should do it.

Father, guard my actions and my tongue…help me to show kindness in the way I treat others and speak to them.

P.S. And a little treat for ya all…the three amigos from about the year 1987, give or take.

Aren’t we so cute? (And I am such a dork…in an equally dorky outfit. ;)) Here’s to happy memories. I love these girls!

Filed Under: friends, remembering, what I'm learning

Connectedness

March 21, 2011 by Mel · 1 Comment

FYI: Contains sarcasm…you have been warned.

In Indonesia, I used the sa me

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handphone for five years. Yes, you read that right.

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And yes, there we called it a hand phone or hp. (pronounced ha pay) It was this basic Nokia that cost me $50 up front and about $5 a month to use. I could send an sms (text), make a phone call…and that was about it.

By the end of my five years, the phone had definitely seen better days, and we sold it for $5.

I definitely got my money’s worth.

When I returned to the States last April, my head was spinning with all the phones I could choose from. I went with a Samsung that was free with my contract.

I can make a phone call, send a TEXT :), take pictures…and that’s really all I need it for. It felt like such an indulgence to buy a phone that nice after what I had been using for five years.

And then…I saw what had happened in the world of phones since our departure to Indonesia five years before.

Is there anything you can’t do with a cell phone

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And reading this post today only reiterated the thoughts I have had about phones and the need to be constantly connected.

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I just don’t understand people who are always on their phones…browsing the internet, sending texts, making phone calls…24/7…well, maybe not quite that often. I mean, they do need to sleep so they have some energy for all that texting and web surfing. (And perhaps now would be a good time for me to go off on people who update their Facebook and Twitter while driving. But I’ll save that for another day.

;))

I? Have a whopping 500 minutes a month (which I share with my hubby) and 250 texts. I have no data plan…and even if I had one, I’m not sure I’d know how to use it.

You won’t see me update my Facebook status or Twitter from my ph one, c

onstantly texting or even talking on it often. And you definitely won’t see me attempting to multitask playing with my daughter and browsing the web.

(I’m not that coordinated anyway.

Seriously.)

But before you start thinking that I’m perfect and have a halo floating above my head all the time (no, just sometimes :D), I’ll be honest and tell you that after reading that post, I felt a little guilty about the time I spend staring at a computer screen every day. I really try to keep boundaries, and I don’t blog unless Mae is sleeping. But I am guilty of browsing the internet sometimes while she entertains herself in her pack and play or jumper.

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And that needs to change.

I don’t want the people in my life to ever feel that they are overshadowed by my need to be connected.

So I guess I will never own a smart phone. (Or at least be able to effectively use one.)

And my laptop might just need to spend a little more time alone.

And that’s just fine with me.

Filed Under: being mommy, culture shock

Our Boys

March 20, 2011 by Mel · 2 Comments

Today you get to meet two of my good buddies…and two very important members of our family.

It amazes me that I’ve blogged almost two months straight without talking much about these boys.

They are a big part of our lives and have been through a lot with us.

Our first boy is Andre.

Andre joined our family, when he was five months old, in September of 2003. The decision to adopt him was pretty spur-of-the-moment.

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We had talked for awhile, but not seriously, about getting a dog. Then we literally woke up one morning, decided that was the day, and had him home with us by 5 p.m. Andre is the most tenderhearted, sweet animal you will ever meet. He loves people and will do just about anything for attention, including stealing socks (WHILE we’re trying to put them on) and dancing around. He has quite the butt wiggle and always has…it still makes us laugh. Andre made t he journey to Indonesia with us, and we are so glad

he did. He was a constant in life when things were very up in the air, difficult, and at times, just plain confusing and frustrating. Now at almost eight years old, he is still all puppy, which we are so incredibly thankful for. We aren’t sure where time went, but we absolutely love our boy and couldn’t imagine our family without him and all the love he brings to it. (Yeah, my hair is craaaaaazy in this pic. I know.) 😀

Enter Andre’s opposite, Sammy. (Samson) Sammy’s coming home story is much different.

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When Andre was 2 1/2, we began talking about another dog.

Since we were living overseas and sometimes gone for big chunks of time, we thought it might be good for Andre to have a friend. One night we went to a loc

al mall to get some work done at Starbucks and ended the night by walking through

the new pet store.

Bad idea…I fell in love.

Our eyes connected, and there was no turning back.

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Three month old Sammy became ours ten minutes later. We paid an exorbitant fee to take him home in a taxi…and our lives have never been the same since. Sammy took one look at his new brother…and tried to jump on him. He spent the next several hours (until well after midnight) sprinting back and forth in our yard, making us wonder if we had made a huge mistake.

Five years later, I can tell you that it was no mistake.

Sammy has added life, energy, craziness, and completely unconditional love to our family. He has put us through a lot, too, including a heart-wrenching six days without him, which you can read about here. And here and here, too. But we wouldn’t trade him for anything and can’t imagine our lives without him.

Perhaps our dogs are more important to us than they would have normally been because we went so many years without having kids. During that time of waiting, in a sense, they became our kids.

While some people disagree with that, we’re ok with it. They are special to us, and while having Maelie has definitely diminished the amount of attention they receive, they are still very loved.

And still very much a part of our family.

And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Filed Under: dogs, family

On Love, Laughter…and Love

March 18, 2011 by Mel · 2 Comments

I’ll be the first to admit that mommyhood has not at all

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been what I thought it would be. In some ways it’s been far better…in a few areas, I’ve struggled.

But the one thing I can’t get over is the Love.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I Love my girl so much.

She just makes my heart pitter patter.

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I love it when she gives me that snarky, I’m-so-up-to-something-naughty look along with her 7-tooth grin…and I just melt. I love waking her up in the morning and seeing her cute little get-me-out-of-this sleep-sack stretch. I love her morning playtime in her pack and play when she sits there and talks to herself in the sweetest, high-pitched voice. I love the few snuggles she will give me just before I put her down for a nap. I love it when she giggles at the dogs while trying to grab fists full of their fur.

I love the Daddy-Mommy-Maelie hug we all have toge

ther before bedtime.

She also cracks me up.

Oh, she makes me Laugh.

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She is going to be a really funny kid…and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 😉

She makes me laugh when she clamps down on her spoon when I’m trying to feed her.

(It takes some muscle to wrestle it away from her, too!) I laugh when I pick up a toy that she’s dropped and she looks at me, kind of does this weird thing with her eyebrows, and then drops it again. (Of course I pick it up!) She makes me laugh when she crawls backwards and ends up with her butt under the couch.

(It’s only happened a couple of times, but boy, is it funny!) She makes me laugh when she sings with me…which she does several times a day.

She makes me laugh when she gets excited and waves her hands back and forth at incredibly high speeds. I love it when I get her to giggle, and then I giggle back, and she giggles back…and we just keep going. It’s hilarious.

I love it when she makes me Laugh.

Sure, I haven’t had more than six hours of sleep without waking up since June.

Sure, my baby belly is still slightly pooching over my jeans nine months later. Yeah, on the days she goes napless, she makes me want to bury my head under a pillow

to drown out the noise. (Sometimes I do.

Shhh…don’t tell. ;)) And yes, since having her, the number of times that Tobin and I have sat through a church service together, I can count on one hand. (And don’t even ask me about the Lent service two nights ago.)

But there’s just so much…Love.

And Laughter.

And Love.

I love what she’s brought to our lives.

I’m pretty sure that being mommy to this girl is the best thing ever.

I’m so thankful.

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie

The Blessing of a Scattered Heart

March 16, 2011 by Mel · 1 Comment

I’ve been processing a lot the past few days.

And writing things that lacked depth.

But I think I’m ready to write again.

Maybe.

But just a warning…my heart is pretty raw right now.

And if you can’t handle the intensity or honesty, it’s ok to leave…I completely understand.

I had no idea when I decided to blog for a year that so many emotions about things from the past would emerge.

I thought

I was done transitioning.

I thought I had adapted to life back in the U.S.

I thought I was home.

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I was wrong.

I don’t say that to make you sad, so hang in there with me.

We all dream dreams and make plans and hope with everything in us that life will turn out just as we’ve imagined. Or better.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t dream about traveling the world…or about leaving my heart in so many places.

I was a small-town Iowa girl, and my world was no bigger than my own backyard (or the occasional trip to Des Moines). I had no idea what the world was like…or how it would change my life.

I had no idea that I would run around barefoot with dozens of kids in a field right along the Amazon River kicking a soccer ball…and sob like a baby when I had to say goodbye to them.

I had no idea that the pleading eyes of orphans in Managua would tear my heart in two…and make me question if I had done the right thing with my life. I didn’t have a clue that the precious people in the island nation of Indonesia would steal my heart and make me love in a way I never thought possible…or that my heart would physically ache when it was time to go. I didn’t know that moving to a new place like the hoppin’ town of Carpentersville 😉 would change so many things about who I am and what I believe…or that I would want to stay here and make this home forever.

And those are all blessings.

Even though it hurts. And boy, does it hurt…to look back at pictures and long for things that were just moments in my life, moments I will never have again.

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To see pictures of students I loved so much and know that, until Heaven, pictures and memories will be all we have.

To stare into the big, brown eyes of a little girl who wants a home more than anything and know that I can’t give it to her, even if that’s what I want more than anything.

In many ways, I am like that girl. My heart is scattered…and it longs for a home.

Home is a word I can’t define, one that I stopped trying to explain to myself long ago. Because for me, every time I had a “home”, it was taken from me in one sense or another.

I always saw that as something negative.

Until yesterday.

And I can’t say that I have fully processed this…this is just where I am today. After spending a lot of time talking to God and, at times, fighting with Him, I feel like there’s some peace…not a lot, but some. He’s not asking me to let go…just to open my hands.

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And I can handle that…trusting that He’ll give in His time. He knows what I desire…I think I’ve told Him that enough. 😉

And when it comes down to it, though my heart is in many pieces and the dreams I have aren’t looking the way I thought they might, I still feel blessed.

Because each piece of my heart that was scattered led to something else I learned to love.

And that, my friends, is the blessing of a scattered heart.

A sweet friend shared this song with me yesterday. I’ve listened to it several times since, and it makes me cry every