For weeks I have felt the words burning on the tip of my..well, fingertips. 😉

I know what I want to say, but I can’t say it.

I feel all of the emotions that go along with those words, but I can’t express them.

My heart is ready to share, but for whatever reason it’s not happening. I don’t know how to be able to communicate something when the words just aren’t there.

I feel like there’s been a collision of some sort inside me…my normal, don’t-step-on-anyone’s-toes conscience colliding with my you-need-to-share-what’s-going-on-no-matter-what heart.

But as any writer knows, I can’t force the words. I can’t tell a story that’s not ready to be told…nor can I share emotions that I can’t understand.

I told myself to write every day for a year, not thinking I would ever experience this kind of writer’s block. It’s brutal…and I’m starting to wonder if the words will ever be back.

But I also know myself and the things I am passionate about…and so I know the words will return.

I have to trust what I know even when I’m not feeling it.

I’m a writer, it’s very much a part of who I am…and that’s not going anywhere.

So today, I write about not being able to

write.

Maybe soon, I will actually write.

Maybe tomorrow.

And if anyone has been dying to do a guest post for me, now would be an excellent time to volunteer!

😉

Anyone?

Anyone?

Wow, two posts in a da

y?

I have a policy of not deleting posts…because they are a true reflection of my heart at the time that I write them.

However, when a follow-up is necessary, I’m there.

And today,

it’s necessary.

I cried most of the morning, feeling so discouraged and frustrated

and just, in general, not liking myself.

(Oh, it’s tough to be an ENFP. Seriously.)

I didn

‘t spend much time in prayer…maybe I should have prayed more…but I did ask God to give me what He knew I needed today, whatever that may be.

And He did.

I’m not going to share too many details yet, just to say that I get to write for one of my favorite sites.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

SO excited!!! 😀

He is Good…even when I’m all wrapped up in myself.

Can’t wait to share more with you soon!

Thank you, Father, for meeting me today.

Edit: My hubby posted this in the comments…and it’s good. (Now I need to go check out the ISTJ!)

I’m no stranger to rejection.

I’ve blogged about my insecur iti

es as a teenager and how I never felt like I fit in.

I haven’t blogged (much) about my parents’ divorce when I was sixteen and the more insecurities that followed.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m never good enough.

And this morning I was reminded of that feeling again…not once, but twice.

A couple months ago I submitted a story I wrote to a couple blogs that I really like, hoping it was maybe something they could use.

It was an account from a pivotal time in my life, and I put every ounce of my heart and soul into those words.

It wasn’t that I was expecting them to accept it right away, especially since I’m just starting out on the whole writing thing, but I thought I’d at least hear something.

Thanks for your submission, but we can’ t use i

We appreciate your interest in writing for us.

We’ll let you know at a later date if we’ll be using your story.

Something…anything.

But I heard nothing.

At the same time I was working on another piece that really cut to the core of who

I am. I had a dear friend edit it, and she made some good suggestions, and

I fixed it and was really, really happy with it.

But I was also still reeling from the whole I-poured-my-heart-out-and-heard-absolutely-nothing thing…and so I never sent it, kind of waiting for that moment when my heart was ready for possible rejection again.

This morning I opened up one of my favorite blogs to see a post with almost the same title and pretty much the same story.

It felt like someone had crawled into my heart and stolen my words.

And to make matters worse, that’s only half of the story.

A couple months ago I signed up to participate in a Community Reading for another blog I enjoy. My husband helped me do the video,

and I sent it in well before the deadl

ine. Last week I got an e-mail reminder for it and replied, just to confirm that they had received my video. They hadn’t but asked me to resubmit it. So I sent it again and received confirmation that they’d gotten it. Cool.

And I was really excited to be part of that video…having people from all corners of the world sharing God’s Word…it just felt right to have a little piece in something that is so much a part of who I am.

This morning when the entire video was posted, I watched it, a little nervous that I was actually going to be on it…and I wasn’t.

For whatever reason, another girl read the verse I’d signed up for.

I just said to Tobin, They didn’t use me.

Then I went upstairs and let a hot shower swallow up the tears.

I wish I could say they stopped after the shower, but they didn’t. Over an hour later, they continue.

I hate being the one who is never good enough…the who will never make it doing what she loves.

And I get it…it’s not all about me.

But it is my heart, and right now my heart feels like it’s been squashed and stomped on and ripped apart.

Everything in me says, I don’t care.

Thankfully my brain knows differently…if I didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Thanks for reading and for loving me anyway. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Ok, a little honesty here.

I’m tired.

Sometimes, I’m tired of writing.

I don’t mean that as something that’s going to last forever…it’s just where I am right now.

But a few times this week I’ve asked myself, Why am I doing this again?

I was chatting with a friend tonight and told her that I’m really tired of the blog…or, more accurately, the commitment I made to the blog. ( Geez, it sounds like a relationship!

:)) Not like I want to throw it out the window and never look at it again.

But three months ago, blogging every d

ay did not seem like a big deal.

Today, I can assure you that it is.

More often than not, blog posts are completed after Maelie goes to bed around 8 p.m. If I have an idea for a good post, it’s usually not an issue, but on some nights, it’s all I can do to force myself

to stay awake to pull some thoughts from somewhere that are worthy of sharing.

I don’t want it to become an obligation or, worse, take away my love of writing.

That. Would. Stink.

And completely defeat the purpose of the blog in the first place.

So I’m thinking of going down to six d ays

a week. Thinking about it… not doing it yet.

And the main reason I’m only thinking about it is because I don’t want to let myself down. I said I would do something…and I want to follow through.

But I also need to be realistic.

Thursdays are (now) officially dedicated to having a coffee date with you all. 😉 I really look forward to writing on Thursdays.

So I’m thinking about one day a week just sharing a verse or two that God gives me.

Or…maybe something else. Any ideas?

Thanks for reading. You bless me just by being here.