Where I Am…With Some Coffee Thrown In

March 31, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Ok, I liked my coffee post so much last Thursday that I decided we may have a new tradition going. So grab a cup of your favorite joe, kick off your shoes, and let’s chat!

And please forgive the hair in the photo today…I let it go curly this morning,

and I never know quite what it will look like when I do that. :) Today wasn’t nearly as crazy as it can be…really, not even close, but it wasn’t fabulous, either. I decided a flower headband would make everything better. Never mind that I’m 32 years old…no comments please. (32 year olds can wear headbands, right

? Why does it feel so wrong?!)

Anyway, today I’m drinking the same stuff as last week…decaf with caramel vanilla creamer.

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! This time it’s out of my Jakarta mug, though. I have six Indonesia “City” Mugs…Jakarta, Bandung, Surabaya, Medan, Jogjakarta, and Bali. I had a goal while I was there to actually go to Starbucks in each of those cities and buy the corresponding mug there. I was successful and pretty stinkin’ proud of it, until they opened a Starbucks in Bogor during the last few months I was in Indonesia.

I didn’t make it there…so I’ve got six out of seven. The Jakarta mug was actually the last one I purchased…in the airport on my way home last April. And one of those cities (Surabaya) I flew to with some friends just so we could go to Starbucks and buy the mug.

True story. 😀 Although we did make a girls’ weekend of it to stay at the Sheraton, hang at the pool, and drink coffee. (Ahem…multiple cups of coffee…) All weekend…tons of fun!

I’m sitting here on a sunny Thursday afternoon wishing that Maelie and I were at the park. However, we passed on her morning nap and went to the outlet mall with some friends.

So there’s no way we can skip the afternoon one…and she is currently fighting me with everything she has, but she’ll give in. She’s too tired to not sleep. In fact, I think she’s out now…aaaah. Peace.

So we browsed a few kids’ stores this morning. I was looking for a few things for Mae…and maybe I’m cheap, but I’m not willing to pay even most of the clearance prices we found today. Sorry, but $11 for a little sweater is not a deal. Bummer, too, cause it was way too adorable.

:) I did find a couple cu-UTE flower headbands for her, though, one she can wear on Easter Sunday with this precious little daisy sundress I have for her.

And a pair of sunglasses with some bling, cause a girl always needs some sparkles, huh? The Children’s Place was good for stuff like that…I didn’t think the prices were bad at all.

Maelie and I shared a piece of pizza for lunch…well, I use the word “shared” loosely. (I ate 90% of it. :)) It blows my mind that she is eating the same things we do. And reaching for my coffee and Diet Pepsi…which I haven’t given her yet, so relax. :) My little girl is growing up way too fast. But I love it.

Love it, love it, love it. Love HER.

We had a (real, not virtual) coffee date yesterday with one of our favorite friends. It was fun to get out of the house, have some time to chat and catch up, and give Maelie a chance to spread some love (and Cheerios) all over Starbucks. I realized when I got home that the bag of chocolate I took with me never made it out of my purse…sad, cause I think coffee tastes better with chocolate and chocolate tastes better with coffee. And coffee and chocolate are both better with a friend. So it’s win-win-win. Another bummer…at least I’ll have some for next time if I don’t eat it all first!

So enough small talk.

Eventually we’ll get past what happened yesterday and today and talk about other stuff.

Like the house. The topic currently occupies most of my brain, but I attempt to push it back as far as possible so I can focus on other things.

Things are looking good, though…and my emotions and hopes are already way too high. Do I dare plan for this or do I need to start on a Plan B?

I realized in typing that last paragraph that it is so me to try figuring out things all on my own. I really just need to let go of this and trust Him to work it all out. And mostly, I have…I just have a hard time with the trusting part. As a follower of Christ, I know so much…but knowing it and believing it are two different things. I’m working on letting go…but it’s tough. Cause I don’t want to…but that’s just me being selfish.

It’s part of the refining process…I know God is teaching me things through this, and that I need to keep my heart soft enough for the changes He wants to make. If God wants to change something in me, it has to be good because He’s not exactly in the business of doing bad.

I so need to get over myself.

I caught myself being selfish yesterday with my time and taking it out on my girl. I sometimes forget that Maelie is: a) 9 months old; b) active and energetic; c) a normal kid; and d) incapable of reasoning why she should behave a certain way. Therefore, when I take her to Starbucks, I should not expect her

to sit there like an angel, totally engaged in the conversation going on.

She doesn’ t work

that way. I truly don’t see her as an annoyance…she is such a blessing, and I really do love my girl, but yesterday I think I treated her like she was getting in the way of my plans. Father, please forgive me. And I already asked Maelie to forgive me. Which she responded to with a giggle, so I translated that as a yes.

And then we giggled together some more.

Cause we’re just like that. :)

That’s something I’m trying to work on as a mom…even now. When I need to apologize to my child(ren) that I take the time to make things right…even if they don’t understand what’ s going on.

Parenting is humbling, isn’t it?

Despite the challenges, though…and the lack of peaceful coffee dates ;)…I love this girl.

She brings so much joy to my days. I just really, really love her.

I could keep going, but I’ve already hit over 1,000 words…and I need to save some for later!

Tobin and I have been reading through the book of John during Lent this year. I have to admit that it means a lot more to me this year, and I’m not quite sure why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that we are purposely (re)evaluating why we believe what we believe. And getting to the core of what faith really is and what it means to truly have that relationship with Christ. Without citing specific examples, just reading Scripture together is speaking Truth into our lives, whether we discuss it or not.

And for now, that’s enough…God is meeting us exactly where we are with what we need.

I love that about Him.

Well, over 1200 words later, you’ve made it through another lengthy coffee date.

Thanks for joining me. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, coffee, friends, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

Wordless Wednesday

March 30, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

A lot of people do a post on Wednesdays…Wordless Wednesday. Just a picture of something…well, I don’ t know wha

t of exactly. :)

But I like the idea.

I could do a Wordless Wednesday to describe my day.

Like a picture of me, my girl, and our sweet friend on our coffee date today…except there’s no picture because I sort of always forget to take pictures at things like that. Or maybe a picture of Mae throwing Cheerios all over the floor at Starbucks.

(Again, no picture…but she was as cute as she could possibly be while she disposed of her snack.

;))

But since I have no pictures, I’ll one-up the whole Wordless Wednesday thing…

And tell you what it’s like to BE wordless on a Wednesday.

For what seems like weeks I have been fighting this thing called writer’s block. I’ll get the most ingenious (well, to me, anyway :)) ideas in the most inconvenient places…like the shower, the middle of church, or while I’m driving…when I obviously can’t write down what’s going through my head.

I’ll get to my computer as fast as I can, and poof!

The words are gone.

It’s kinda like a magic trick, ya know? 😉

I joke that my life is boring.

It consists of staying home with my daughter (which, truthfully, is often anything but boring), Bible studies, occasional coffee dates (yay for having one today!), and sometimes another reason to get out of the house (always a welcome change). Oh, yeah, sometimes I cook and clean. But, really, if you crawled into my brain for a day, I have a feeling you’d emerge with your head spinning. The things going on in there are pretty complex.

And tough to put into words, which may be why I’m experiencing such severe writer’s block.

I’m not a naturally gifted writer.

I have to work at it somewhat…although there are days when the stories just pour out. And then there are days like…ahem…the last month (?) when almost every day I have wrestled with what to write, how to write it,

and if

I should even write it.

I almost feel like I need to channel my blog in a narrower direction to avoid the wide range of topics I could write about.

(And to minimize the amount of brain spinning currently going on in my head…) I don’t feel ready to choose a direction, though, and anyway, this style fits my personality. I’m all over the map (literally ;)), so why shouldn’t I just leave it open and write about whatever’s on my heart

?

Yeah, I think I’ll do that.

So, basically, nothing’s changing. :)

Don’ t you jus

t love the creative rambling nonsense of my brain

?

I believe I just successfully posted my first Wordless Wednesday.

I said a whole bunch without saying much of anything. :)

Happy Wednesday to you all.

Thanks for reading. :)

Sig

Filed Under: where I am, writing

My Own Song

March 29, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

It’s a rhythm I’ve heard all my life.

Steady, strong, telling me just how things are supposed to be in this familiar world.

A rhythm I should be able to play without even thinking by now.

I tap my foot, trying to get the tempo just right.

But I can’t.

The beat goes on around me…louder, stronger, more overwhelming w ith

each passing minute.

I listen carefully and try to imitate it, but I stumble yet again.

All the rules of this music…I know. I’ve spent my life

Singing it.

Loving it.

Living it.

But somewhere in the middle, I began to dance to another rhythm. For five years, I lived, moved, and breathed this new cadence of life.

I embraced it as my new song, one the Father had given me

To sing.

To love.

To live.

And then,

the song changed again.

The drums became louder.

The tempo picked up speed.

And I no longer feel as if h

ave a place among this chorus in which I used to play a part.

I wait, listen, and sometimes…I try. I’ll tap my foot again to see if maybe I’ve found this old rhythm again.

I don’t have it today…I may never have it again.

Maybe God is giving me my own song…one that goes against what those around me are playing.

And it’s up to me what I do with it.

Sig

Filed Under: culture shock, where I am

Chatting It Up Over Coffee

March 24, 2011 by · 4 Comments

So it’s been over a week since I’ve had coffee with a friend…and I’m missing it.

Thankfully I have a coffee date planned for next week, but this week has been a little long just because we’ve been home for most of it.

Today I decided that

you, my readers, can have a coffee date with me through the good old blog. I’m drinking decaf (Still nursing…I’ll pay for it if I drink the real thing!) with caramel vanilla creamer. One of my favorites. If I make a whole pot, I usually drink it, so today I made just enough for 2-3 cups, depending on the size of the mug. 😉 And I’m drinking out of my very favorite mug…my Starbucks Bali one. (If you come have coffee with me in real life, I’ll even let you drink out of it.)

So go ahead and kick of your shoes (cuz barefoot is the way to go, ya know?) and grab some coffee for yourself. YOU are probably lucky and can have the real stuff.

The first thing we’ll talk about is Spring Break and how everyone (it seems) is going somewhere except me. I think this hits extra hard because just a year ago I was soaking up the Bali sun, drinking coffee at my favorite Starbucks in the world on Kuta Beach, and shopping at my favorite markets…all of this with a 6 1/2 month prego belly.

Oh, how life has changed.

And the thing is that, though I miss these things, I wouldn’t change the way life is now. Because it’s different…but really, really good different. Everytime I see my baby girl I am reminded that though I love adventures, being a mommy is enough. I so love my girl.

But what about you? You going anywhere? You should share your stories so I can live your adventures through you. :)

Time to move on and talk about the weather. Can you believe there were snowflakes yesterday? Ok, so I realize that the friends in Minnesota that I’m currently having a coffee date with are like, Really, Mel, snowFLAKES? We got 8″ yesterday! Or something like that. 😉

Eventually we’ll decide that spring is just around the corner. Well, maybe…this is the midwest. Spring will for sure be here by June.

Then we might get to the deep stuff.

But not before I refill my coffee mug…be right back. 😉

You’ll hear me talk about how, despite living here for 7ish months, I’m still feeling very unsettled. Probably a few tears fall as I talk about how much my heart aches to know that I truly belong somewhere.

I’ll probably even admit to you that I often put on a brave face and act all tough and I-can-handle-this because I think it will make people believe that I really am ok.

But I’m not.

It’s not that I’m dying or anything…just that life is mixed up right now. I’m having an identity crisis, which I’ve found happens often with someone who moves around a lot.

I know it’s just a phase and it will pass, but I admit that I don’t feel like that right now. What my heart wouldn’t give to be able to walk into church and know that I really belong there and wasn’t wrestling with some pretty deep stuff. That I’d feel comfortable picking up my phone and calling a friend without worrying that I’m bothering them or getting in the way of their plans.

I guess that’s just me…worst case scenario girl.

And eventually I’ll probably open up about how insecure I’m feeling. (As if that wasn’t totally obvious after that last little paragraph.) How I worry about everything I say and wish I could take back half of it. How I wonder if I join a conversation if it’s ok to share my thoughts. How I feel like a complete stranger in a place that doesn’t feel familiar and secure.

But I’ll end with the thought that I have so many hopes and dreams for life right now. How I’m excited that out of all the places God chose to send us that it was here. That despite feelings of insecurity and not belonging that I believe we’ll get to the point where this is home and we do belong.

We might even talk about the house, too. We got some encouraging news this week and were able to resubmit an offer.

Things look promising, and of course my ENFP, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve hopes are sky high. Please pray for that. We should know soon if things are going to work out.

That would be the best news ever.

Eventually we might come around to a little more non-serious chit-chat.

Like American Idol, and how I think Pia will win it all.

Or Casey. I think the talent this year is phenomenal, and it makes me wish

I could sing like that.

Oh, wait. I totally can.

Just kidding.

Cause I can’t…and pretty much never will be able to. So I’m content just strumming my guitar and belting out whatever tune is in my head that day. Today, it’s still “Blessings”, by Laura Story, and I’ll probably let you know (again) that I think it’s the best worship song I’ve ever heard.

I might even sing it for you later…no, not really. (What’s the point of singing to my computer screen anyway?) :)

Ok, time out…I need to go throw some laundry in the washing machine. My girl went up a size in diapers yesterday…and there was a reason we moved her up a size. (I know, I know, TMI.) :) Let’s just say that by the end of it, she was wearing red pants with a pink onesie because that’s ALL I had left for her. So, I’ll be back in a minute.

And when I come back from doing laundry (really) I’ll tell you about the trip I took to Target last night. I needed something for Maelie, and while I was there, realized that it is March.

Um, hello?!

EASTER CANDY!

Holy cow, it was like being let loose in a candy shop. Literally.

I practiced incredible self control and only bought Cadbury eggs (the number I purchased will not be disclosed during this conversation) and jellybeans. Oh, Easter candy, it has been too long. Is is my imagination or is my belly pooching out further already?

Stupid candy.

And then I’ll tell you that the real reason I went to Target was to get a cute little flower for Maelie’s hair when she gets her nine month pictures taken today. I can’t believe it’s already been that long.

And since I know time is ticking down and that you’ve hung on with me for well over 1,000 words, I’ll wrap things up.

But not without sharing a verse or two. Lately, I’ve loved the Psalms. They just speak so much Truth and Peace to a heart that is up and down and all around.

“I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.”

Psalm 16: 8-9

He knows…it all. And that brings so much peace. I am so thankful for a Father who loves me and cares for me and accepts me the way I am…and most of all, understands me when I don’t understand myself.

So, if you made it through our whole coffee date, you survived over 1,200 words…which translates to…probably hours. :) See, honey, THIS is why when I go for coffee I don’t come back for hours. 😉

Love you all.

Sig

Filed Under: coffee, friends, where I am

The Blessing of a Scattered Heart

March 16, 2011 by · 1 Comment

I’ve been processing a lot the past few days.

And writing things that lacked depth.

But I think I’m ready to write again.

Maybe.

But just a warning…my heart is pretty raw right now.

And if you can’t handle the intensity or honesty, it’s ok to leave…I completely understand.

I had no idea when I decided to blog for a year that so many emotions about things from the past would emerge.

I thought

I was done transitioning.

I thought I had adapted to life back in the U.S.

I thought I was home.

I was wrong.

I don’t say that to make you sad, so hang in there with me.

We all dream dreams and make plans and hope with everything in us that life will turn out just as we’ve imagined. Or better.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t dream about traveling the world…or about leaving my heart in so many places.

I was a small-town Iowa girl, and my world was no bigger than my own backyard (or the occasional trip to Des Moines). I had no idea what the world was like…or how it would change my life.

I had no idea that I would run around barefoot with dozens of kids in a field right along the Amazon River kicking a soccer ball…and sob like a baby when I had to say goodbye to them.

I had no idea that the pleading eyes of orphans in Managua would tear my heart in two…and make me question if I had done the right thing with my life. I didn’t have a clue that the precious people in the island nation of Indonesia would steal my heart and make me love in a way I never thought possible…or that my heart would physically ache when it was time to go. I didn’t know that moving to a new place like the hoppin’ town of Carpentersville 😉 would change so many things about who I am and what I believe…or that I would want to stay here and make this home forever.

And those are all blessings.

Even though it hurts. And boy, does it hurt…to look back at pictures and long for things that were just moments in my life, moments I will never have again.

To see pictures of students I loved so much and know that, until Heaven, pictures and memories will be all we have.

To stare into the big, brown eyes of a little girl who wants a home more than anything and know that I can’t give it to her, even if that’s what I want more than anything.

In many ways, I am like that girl. My heart is scattered…and it longs for a home.

Home is a word I can’t define, one that I stopped trying to explain to myself long ago. Because for me, every time I had a “home”, it was taken from me in one sense or another.

I always saw that as something negative.

Until yesterday.

And I can’t say that I have fully processed this…this is just where I am today. After spending a lot of time talking to God and, at times, fighting with Him, I feel like there’s some peace…not a lot, but some. He’s not asking me to let go…just to open my hands.

And I can handle that…trusting that He’ll give in His time. He knows what I desire…I think I’ve told Him that enough. 😉

And when it comes down to it, though my heart is in many pieces and the dreams I have aren’t looking the way I thought they might, I still feel blessed.

Because each piece of my heart that was scattered led to something else I learned to love.

And that, my friends, is the blessing of a scattered heart.

A sweet friend shared this song with me yesterday. I’ve listened to it several times since, and it makes me cry every

time. But good tears. :)

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears

?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguis

e?


Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am

Home

March 12, 2011 by · 4 Comments

Sometimes I really hate the saying, Home is Where the Heart Is.

Yeah, I get it. I know.

But what about when someone’s heart is in a million different places? How do you find a home

then?

I left a piece of my heart in the Amazon jungles of Peru in ’99. It still runs around the city of Iquitos in the form of precious street kids who melted my heart and made my world bigger than I had ever dreamed possible.

I left yet another piece at

an orphanage in M

anagua, Nicaragua. That piece was ripped out of my chest when several little girls took my hands and asked me to dance in a circle with them. We giggled together as I tried to talk to them in Spanish. They politely corrected me, and then we giggled some more. Priceless.

And yet another, perhaps larger, piece is still in Indonesia…in my former students, friends, and the wonderful people of that country. I miss them every day.

There’s a piece of it, too, in Minneapolis with some dear friends. They invested in a friendship and loved us even though they knew we’d be leaving. We love them and miss

them.

And I guess the rest of my heart is here in C’ville with me. I mean, I hope it is! :)

I’ve been wrestl ing

with being “home” lately.

We moved into this house last summer.

It was a gift from God, and we know that and are so, so thankful for it. We had looked at several houses that were just…ick. They were small, needed a lot of work, and were in neighborhoods that we wouldn’t have enjoyed. Then we walked in the front door of this one.

We looked at each other and when our eyes connected, we knew.

This was home.

And now the very idea of home is being threatened again.

I wish I could say I was ok with that. That it’s ok with my heart to pick up and move again.

But I’m selfish, and I don’t want to. I love our house. I love our neighbors.

I love the view of the river from our kitchen window. I love the dreams I’ve let myself dream of our little girl growing up here.

I love the idea of being settled…of being home.

And yet, with all of my heart, I know I need to hang onto the idea of “home” very loosely.

We were settled in Minnesota, too, and God said, No, I want you to go.

So we sold it all and went. It was heart-wrenching, difficult, and I cried more tears than you can possibly imagine.

Five years later, again, He said, Time to go again…this time, to a new place.

And I cried even more tears.

Everything in me wants to be home. To paint the walls and hang things up and know that it’s for good.

And sometimes it’s so hard for me because I know this world isn’t my home. We all know the song, and I bet half of you have it going through your heads right now. You’re welcome. 😉

How do I keep my hands open with something I want so, so badly?

How do I trust that things are going to work out when I can’t even imagine a place I would love half as much?

I don’t know… just where my heart is today, I guess.

Thanks for reading. And for praying.

Sig

Filed Under: where I am
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