Restless Soul

There’s a restlessness in me tod

ay.

I’m not sure where it’s coming from.

Perhaps from waiting impatiently for something that, at this very moment, seems like it will never happen.

Or an inability to sit still after a few weeks of go-go-going.

I liked that.

Sitting still? Not so much.

It could be that the transition to one nap for my sweet girl is making

my days longer, forcing me to be more creative in how we spend our time together.

There’s a bit of me that’s questioning myself, too…who is the real Mel and where does she fit? I kind of still feel like I’m looking for that place, wherever it might be.

Yet in the middle of the restlessness, I am thankful that…

Nothing is impossible with my God.

And that it is ok…more than ok…to be still and know that He is God. Also? That He gives the strength, patience, and joy needed for each day…and that He gave me my sweet daughter. I love her so much. And that He loves me with an everlasting love, just as I am, on days when I feel that no one else does, especially me.

That’ s all for tonight.

Sig

Just Tonight

Ok, so if we’re being honest here

, the time I’ve spent with this blog has dwindled considerably in the last few weeks. Yes, there were a few things keeping me busy, but even so it’s become less of a priority.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

It’s not like I’ve run out of words…HA! Like that will ever happen.

It’s just that I’d rather be doing other things…like chasing my daughter. Laughing with her. Hanging out with my hubby.

Running here and there, spending time with people (instead of a computer) and feeling like I have a life again.

I think, without completely realizing it at the time, when I started this blog, I was looking for a friend…you know, the kind you can pour your heart out to

? Yeah, that kind.

Things have changed since that day in January when the heart spilling began.

Now…there are friends.

There are places to be. There are things to do with my time. I’ve got an active daughter who loves to play and be read to and have her mommy close by.

I love that. And I’m really happy.

And I’m not questioning the whole 365 day blogging challenge. I really want to complete it, and I plan on it. But long, drawn-out thoughts might become more sporadic.

Pictures and little memories of my days might become more common.

And that’s ok. Because, really, those are the things that make up my life.

I love what my husband wrote on Monday…about how we’ve so clearly seen God at work during the past year through some of the toughest changes a family can face.

That encourages my heart so much and just makes me smile.

God has given so much, and I love to recall how He’s provided…in ways we never thought possible.

And God has provided friends, too…those who listen and love and will tell me what I need to hear. He’s also given me a few blogging friends, and I consider them just as much of a blessing.

Those people who are willing to read my thoughts and leave me a note or a say a prayer mean more than you will ever know.

Anyway, just my heart tonight. Feeling pretty thankful for those of you who are blessings in my life.

I need to crash.

One of my newest goals

? To get more sleep.

Yeah, one can try.

:) G’nite.

Sig

Little Faith

I’m blogging outside tonight.

It’s well after nine, and I’ ve been going most of the day without taking much time to sit down.

It’s a perfect night…not sweltering, not cold…just perfect.

And I’m sitting in just about the most perfect place, at least for tonight.

On my front porch, leaning up against one of the white posts. It’s comfy for now but ask me again in ten minutes.

😉

And, I’m wishing.

Praying.

Hoping.

Trusting…or trying to.

My heart aches as I stare out at the little I can see of

the houses in my view. I try to memorize every detail of this place.

Just in case.

Just in case this really isn’t home and just in case we really do have to pack up our things next month.

That hurts… more

than I can even explain.

I guess you could say that

the little faith I have is starting to crumble.

All the waiting and not knowing feels like it’s taking its toll on my heart. It frustrates me…and makes me wish I had so much more.

My husband has that faith, the kind that lets go and knows without a doubt that things will work out.

Things will work out.

Even if they’re not what I hope for, they’ll still work out.

And sometimes, I hate that.

Is it wrong to battle with God

? To pour out my heart so often and tell Him exactly what I want? At times, to beg and plead that He give exactly what I desire

? And be afraid that I might resent what He gives if it’s not what I would choose? These are all thoughts that have raced through my brain.

And, at times, made me feel guilty.

I know Who

I believe.

Today, that’s what the little faith I have in me clings to.

And today, that has to be enough.

Because He is enough.

Sig

Embrace It

Is there one particular quality you don’t really love about yourself?

I definitely have one. (Actually, a bunch, but tonight you just get one.) :)

And since Mae and I had a pretty long day, I decided you get to read all about that ONE quality tonight.

I’m a total klutz.

I always have been…I’m pretty good at hurting myself doing bizarre things.

Like the time I w as

trying to make Maelie laugh and made a sliding-superhero entrance into the living room…and totally crashed into a wall. (And Tobin laughed at me. Dork :P)

Or the time I was juggling in an attempt to entertain her again (see a theme here?!) and I totally ate it down the basement stairs. My butt was sore for days.

Yeah, I’ m just cool like that.

And I’ve got a dozen more random stories of things I’ve done that confirm my total klutzy-ness.

Tonight I pulled a pretty good one. Actually two good ones within the span of about twenty minutes.

(I should totally win an award.)

I was putting laundry away and yanked the drawer out to put Tobin’s socks away.

The entire drawer came flying out and landed square on my foot.

(Ok, I suppose we can debate as to whether this was a moment of being a klutz or a possessed dresser drawer. I’ll let you debate.)

For a few minutes I thought something was broken, but after crying to Tobin after awhile I figured it was probably just a good bruise.

I limped for awhile but needed to get Maelie’s bath going…so I kind of ignored it.

Until I bent down to check the temperature of her bath water.

And I totally stubbed my last three toes on the toilet. (Seriously, WHO does that?)

I guess

I do.

That hurt more than the dresser drawer falling on my foot. (Still hurts.)

I am such a klutz.

Sometimes I just cannot understand how God could possibly give so many clumsy characteristics to ONE person.

?!?!?!

I guess He has a sense of humor. :)

Anyway, so yeah.

My foot kinda hurts tonight. (But I’m still planning to run in the morning because I’m also stubborn.

At least I’m going to try…and I hope I can.)

With all of this accident-prone-ness that tends to infiltrate my daily life, I have two choices.

Hate it.

Or embrace it.

Honestly, it’s part of who I am.

So I guess I choose to embrace it.

And if you’re lucky enough to be a fellow-klutz, I hope you embrace it, too.

‘Cause we’re a pretty special group of people. 😉

Sig

Once Upon a Time…

Once u

pon a time there was a princess.

She lived in a cute little blue palace on Wisconsin Street with her prince charming, her princess baby girl, and her two royal doggies.

She was pretty cool sometimes…but other times, not so much.

Her days were always up and down.

Up and down.

And…up and down.

It felt like every time she’ d go

up? Then she’d go down.

‘Cause we all know that what goes up must come down, right?

She could never figure it out…it felt like a day could start out so wonderful and end up so completely horrible.

She tried to think happy thoughts…to say nice things, to do good for other people, but no matter what she did, it always seemed to blow up in her face. She’d say a hundred things right, and then one thing wrong…and BAM.

It was no longer a good day.

She fought with the King on this…’cause He made all the rules of the land, and she couldn’t understand why no matter what she did, it never turned out quite like she thought it should.

That’s when He said to her, very gently,

My child…I know you try to do all this good.

But you can’t do it with out Me.

If you do things in your own strength, they’ll never be done right.

She looked at Him, with tears welling up in her eyes.

Ok, King. I’ll follow what you say because I trust You. This is, after all, Your Kingdom, and I’m your princess.

Slowly, she began to walk away, but not before the King put his hand on her shoulder. As she turned back to look at Him, He spoke just three words to her.

You. Are. Mine.

And that was enough.

She took a deep breath, smiled, and vowed that tomorrow would be a better day.

Sig

Random Dreams

In keeping with the random Saturday tradition, today I’ m going to let

myself dream. Feel free to come along for the ride.

:)

I could start off my random with a rant of sorts…how I dream that maybe the residents of this house could be in GOOD moods today, but that does not seem like a possibility.

Maybe it’s the wea

ther? All I know is that we all woke up cranky. I tried to make it better, but nothing really helped. Thankfully we don’t have to see any one

today. (And thankfully, the girl is down for her second…and hopefully long…nap of the day.)

End of the Day Edit: Maelie took an incredible afternoon nap, and when she woke up, we were all happier.

Definitely a much better ending to the day…Hallelujah! 😀

So I’m a dreamer, as those of you who know me well are aware.

I’ve had some run-ins with people who aren’t dreamers…and are more dream-squashers. While I don’t necessarily dis like people

like that, sometimes they bug me.

I told my husband the other day, I’d rather dream and get my heart broken than never dream at all.

I think that’s pretty profound, though I am rarely that.

So, I bring you some of my latest and biggest dreams. (Yeah, I know they won’t all happen, but a girl can dream, right?)

First off, I’ve always wanted to see Europe. Really, see it. Some of the places on my list besides the standard London and Paris? Istanbul, Athens, and Budapest. (I love history.) Some of you know that we have actually been to Europe… for three days.

On our way home from South Africa in 2004, we took a short stopover there because our flight was insanely cheaper if we stopped for a few days.

(And spent the money we saved seeing

the best of Amsterdam. And…ahem…eating our way through it!) Yeah, I want to see Europe.

But beyond travel…’cause, really, we all want to see the world, right?

I dream of writing/publishing a book. I love the blog and will keep it going probably until I die, but I really dream of seeing that cover with my name on it. I actually wrote a book several years ago, but after living overseas and realizing how far off my perspective actually was, I have never done anything with it. No, you may not see it. (Cause I know you’re thinkin’ about asking!) I’m not even sure what I’d write about. Any thoughts?

Another thing I’d like to do

? Completely redecorate my house (once I own it…yeah, still waiting). Included in that redecorating? Knocking out a wall that divides our two “living rooms”, completely making over our bedroom, and doing one room completely Indonesian. (I actually have some fun ideas for that one…again, I just need to own the house.)

One of my biggest professional dreams is to blog a Compassion trip. Every year Compassion sponsors several trips, and they take bloggers with them. Oh, how much I would love that. I have no doubt that it would completely break my heart in half to experience some of the heartaches that come with a trip like that, but I also think it would change my life.

That’s one of those dreams that I keep locked away in a corner of my heart, hoping that someday it might happen. (I guess it’s not locked up anymore since you all know about it now! ;))

Another dream I have that’s a little less tangible…to live fully for Christ. That’s a hard one. I think as a Christian, I struggle in giving it all…there are always things I want to keep back for myself, those little things that, if released, would give me so much freedom. But it takes strength…and I’m weak. I sometimes wonder what that life would look like…and realize that dream isn’t so far out of reach.

It just takes Mel letting go a little. Working on that. :)

Just a few things I’d love to see happen.

What about you?

What do you dream of?

Sig

Taking a Break…and Being Honest

I’m going to give myself a break from The Journey tonight and go a different route.

I’ve been wanting to chat about something that’s come up recently, but I sometimes feel like a broken record.

I mean, how long can a person grieve over something?

It’s been a little over a year since I left Indonesia.

When I first left…I was sad.

I missed it, and I

missed my husband more. Those first weeks home were spent anticipating his return and the birth of our daughter…I’m not sure there was a lot of grief over Indonesia mixed in there.

Then Tobin came home…and life was focused on our little girl and getting ready to move to Illinois.

Yes, there was grief…over leaving Minnesota and friends…but not so much about the loss of Indonesia.

And then we moved…and there was a whole new kind of grief… grieving what was no more.

It’s been a year of figuring that out…but also a year of being so incredibly blessed by life as a family of THREE, by new friends, by a new community and church.

Our minds were so busy with those things that we didn’t really think much about Indonesia.

It wasn’t intentional… it just happened.

And somewhere in the last month…grief started to creep in.

There were days when I would try to push it out and ignore the pain, but it wouldn’ t go away.

I’d get on Facebook, see pictures of former students, and my heart would just ache. I’d hear about staff members and what was going on with them…and I longed to be a part it. I saw pictures of the senior banquet…students we love…and we’re not there.

I think I most accurately verbalized my feelings last week when I told Tobin, “When our students are in Indonesia, I feel like we always have the option of going back to see them again…so it’s ok if we don’t miss them too much. But now another class of incredible students is graduating…and scattering. I’m not sure we’ll ever see them again.”

That’s sad…and the reality of a transitory community.

I’ve let the tears drip this week…surprisingly, there have been a lot of them.

They come at random times but never stick around too long.

The ache is there, though…the dull, physical heartache that makes me long for the day when there will be no more goodbyes.

Just where I am today…sad.

But still thankful.

Because grief means it meant something…that it was worth loving and worth hurting over.

I don’ t long

to go back

to life in Indonesia. It was a season, a piece of our lives.

Life is here and now, and for awhile, I will take the time to grieve if those moments hit.

But I’m going to spend far more of my life looking forward and enjoying the blessings God has given me today.

I’m so, so thankful.

Sig

A Journey, Part 2

Denomination: a name or designation, especially one for a class of things.

Denomination.

The word bugs me on so many levels.

Mostly because it creates distinction and designation within the body of Christ,

something I don’t prefer. There is nothing wrong with people who call themselves Baptists, Lutherans, Catholics, etc. It bothers me when those distinctions lead believers to elevate themselves over another body of believers.

I don’t think Christ would have wanted that.

Having a denomination or labeling ourselves is something that Tobin and I have chosen not to do…but we don’t judge those who do. We just prefer the term follower of Christ.

And that’s really where our journey begins. But before I dive into more deep thoughts I want to clarify something.

You might think from some of the things I have written that Tobin and I have disagreed with every church we’ve attended, and that’s not the case. Our last one was Baptist and we loved it.

I’m more referring to the churches preceding that one. On the whole, we disagree with certain things being taught in some churches. ABC…we loved. I simply have nothing negative to say about it, and that’s the truth. And I also can’t lay blame on any one church or college…because life is a series of experiences. There are many good things that were taken from those churches and that college I attended…and also some things that I am choosing to not take away. So please don’t see this as Mel’s bitter revenge but rather as a piece of the journey.

At one time there was some bitterness, but I am choosing to move on from that.

Ok, deep breath.

Tobin and I have said over and over that the most valuable thing we took away from Indonesia was a more open mind. Don’t misread that as us being tolerant of all things now…we simply view life from a different vantage point. We have seen how preferential differences in the body of Christ can be something positive rather than negative. Too often, many Christians believe that anyone who is different is wrong…and that’s not the case at all.

Tobin and I had quite the conversation about LOVE last week, which I eluded to in a previous post.

We’d been talking about how important LOVE is…how we can have so many things, do so many things, believe so many things…but without LOVE, it’s nothing.

LOVE was what Christ showed when he walked the earth, what he demonstrated when he went to the cross, what God showed when he let him

go to the cross.

But I think LOVE is lacking in some Christian circles.

My husband made a comment that has stuck with me for the last week, one that drives home the need for me to continually keep my attitude and mindset in check.

He said, “Because of the way I was raised, my first instinct is to judge rather than love.”

He is trying desperately to change that, and I’ve seen what can come from a human being making that decision.

It’s a blessing to me, my marriage, and my family, but I also thought, Wow. What if we all had that mindset?

Am I loving first

?

Most of the time, no. But I am seeing, firsthand, what it looks like when someone chooses love over judging.

It’s incredible.

So, armed with that LOVE…through, and only through, the power of Christ… we are trying to be follo

wers of him.

Because we’re no longer calling ourselves Baptists, does that mean that we’ve abandoned everything we were taught?

No.

In fact, our core beliefs have not changed.

However, are we following the expectations we experienced as children/teenagers/college students/adults?

No.

We’re learning what it looks like to walk the fine line of finding freedom in Christ without using grace as an excuse

to do what we want. Of being in the world without being like the world. Of making sure that our preferences still follow what God’s Word has to say.

Some of you are probably wondering why I’m even blogging all of this. At times it probably seems like too much information. And maybe I’m doing it more for myself than for others. But I did have the thought the other day that

If I had known me for years and read some of the things I’ve written lately, I’d wonder.

So maybe it’s my attempt to tell you that while some things have changed, I’m still following Christ. I still want that with all my heart.

And I’m trying to love others through it, too.

Sig

A Journey, Part 1

Today I’m going to open up my heart

in a way I never have before.

There will be some raw, tender moments…and I ask that if you choose to read this that you are careful with my heart.

It can’t take being ripped apart right now, especially by someone who has not been in my shoes.

But I do ask that you read what I write…cause that’s why I write it after all!

But if you don’t want to, that’s ok.

And now that I’ve completely contradicted myself? Let’s go.

I once read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Life’s a journey,

not a destination.”

So profound, and at the same time, so incorrect…at least for me in the place I am right now.

There is nothing wrong with a journey.

In fact, that’s what I’m going to write about today. I want my journey to be important, to matter, to be life-changing.

But as a believer in Christ, I must never, ever forget that it is the destination that is what’s important. And my destination, my true home, is Heaven. But there is plenty to be said for a believer’s journey and the impact he/she can have on earth.

God has taken me (and my husband) on quite the journey this past year, and I want to share it…truly share it…with you. I would be writing for hours upon hours if I attempted to fit it all into one blog post.

So, instead, I’m breaking it up into who-knows-how-many days.

We shall see. :)

This journey is one of faith, of validation, of assurance, of a search for Truth.

You see, my husband and I have been what the world would term Christians for most of our lives. We were both taught at an early age that Jesus died for our sins, that he rose again, and because of this, we could have eternal life in Heaven someday.

We know that…it has been ingrained and implanted in us for years.

We can give you the plan of salvation in a minute flat, Scripture included.

We know the answers for most situations and how to back them up with verses.

We can even flip our way through the Bible faster than most of you can. Ok, ok…so that’s not a fair judgment…I’m just sayin’. :) It’s pretty stinkin’ fast. It would be fun to have a contest sometime, though!

However, a few years ago, things started to shake a little…figuratively. And looking back, we see this shaking as a blessing in disguise.

We realized that we knew SO MUCH…but had no idea why we believed it.

We had been living in a more non-denominational community and were amazed by the things we learned. Forgive me for what I’m about to share…but bear with me.

Because I’m not lying.

The crux of it is that we came to a quite sudden realization that not just Baptists would be in Heaven.

Go ahead and pick yourself up off the floor…it’s ok. So we were kind of (or completely) raised to think we were right, and no one else was.

And before continuing with this thought, you need to know that the idea had been in our minds for quite awhile, though we’d never really talked about it.

The last church we attended in M

innesota was a Baptist church that was balanced and very Biblical. (And pretty amazing, too. Love you all at ABC. :))

However, suddenly we were around Christians from all types of backgrounds and denominations…and these people believed just like we did.

(Well, maybe without all the stuffy rules that we’d been guilted into following for years.) These people were passionate, on fire, and dedicated to loving the Father.

They put me and my rule-following to shame.

Shame.

As we got to know them and realized how much they loved God, we began to feel that we’d been deceived but didn’t know how to communicate that. And so, to a certain extent, we shut down.

And then after Indonesia, we moved to a new place. We knew no one…and we also knew that there was no better place for us to continue this journey.

Because here we were…in our 30’s.

And searching.

For what, we had no idea. But we knew God would show us in His time.

Part 2 tomorrow: Losing the denomination and following Him.

Sig

More Random (This Time With Pictures!)

Just not feeling the depth today. I’ve got a post that’s about half finished, and you may see it sometime in the next week. To say that it’s deep is an understatement…it contains so much heart-spilling that I need to be careful about how I say things and what I share…another reason that I’m waiting it out to make sure it’s okay. Ya know?

But, really, my random is a fun peek into the inner workings of Mel’s ever-racing brain.

How can that NOT be enjoyable?! AND I’m kinda enjoying the random Saturdays. Maybe we’re finally getting into a blogging groove.

First up? Seriously, world, abandon ALL hygrometers. (Ok, ok, so I really wanted you to think I was smart, but even I am not that smart.

A hygrometer is what’s used to measure humidity. Thank you, thank you Wikipedia.

:)) Anyway, with Mel’s head, you will never need one again. Oh. My. Goodness. I diffused it for LESS than two minutes…and this picture was taken AFTER I calmed it down with the help of some serious hair gel and a straigtener. Even my daughter laughed at me, and I am not kidding. Tobin was there and can testify. THIS is why I rarely leave it curly.

Yesterday at Target I found 10 episodes of Punky Brewster for $4something. Awesome. Does anyone else remember that show

? It has been a happy couple of days in the Schroeder house. Even Mae watched an episode with me.

😉

I dug out the volleyball today so Tob and I could bump it around a bit before the big volleyball tournament next month. I haven’t touched a volleyball since before getting pregnant with Mae. Oh, wow, I have some practicing to do!

I woke up this morning craving sausag

e. Sausage. Really?! Who craves sausage? Just sayin’. And I didn’t eat it cause we didn’t have any, but don’t think I wasn’t slightly grumpy about that. I had a brownie instead, which wasn’t a terrible trade-off.

Caribou has buy one get one free drinks this weekend, which is pretty sweet. So we had a short coffee date after our weekly run to Target.

Just FYI, don’t order the White Berry Cooler made with Dark Chocolate. It pretty much tastes like cough syrup after the first few drinks. (However, ordering it also kept me from drinking the whole thing, so there ya go…we’re lookin’ on the bright side.

:))

Do you see this ugly sign in our yard? Yeah, we’re ready to see it GO AWAY!!!!! Will you pray that this coming week that will happen? It could, and we would LOVE for it to be gone!

The last few Oprah shows are this week. I can’t say I’ve watched her religiously this year…I guess missing five years straight kind of weaned me from the need to watch every day. However, I am a bit sad on many levels. Sometimes, she had really good shows.

I’m sad that I will never get to go to a taping, although I tried multiple times! I hope she uses her seriously powerful influence in a good way. I am looking forward to the Farewell Oprah party at a friend’ s hou

se, though. :)

And my favorite random for last…Maelie’s scrunchy face. Seriously, I love this face. She got it from me…which I am extremely proud of.

Yay for my UH-dorable daughter! And a picture that should make your weekend complete.

Happy Saturday to all of you!

Sig