The Blessing of a Scattered Heart

March 16, 2011 by · 1 Comment

I’ve been processing a lot the past few days.

And writing things that lacked depth.

But I think I’m ready to write again.

Maybe.

But just a warning…my heart is pretty raw right now.

And if you can’t handle the intensity or honesty, it’s ok to leave…I completely understand.

I had no idea when I decided to blog for a year that so many emotions about things from the past would emerge.

I thought

I was done transitioning.

I thought I had adapted to life back in the U.S.

I thought I was home.

I was wrong.

I don’t say that to make you sad, so hang in there with me.

We all dream dreams and make plans and hope with everything in us that life will turn out just as we’ve imagined. Or better.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t dream about traveling the world…or about leaving my heart in so many places.

I was a small-town Iowa girl, and my world was no bigger than my own backyard (or the occasional trip to Des Moines). I had no idea what the world was like…or how it would change my life.

I had no idea that I would run around barefoot with dozens of kids in a field right along the Amazon River kicking a soccer ball…and sob like a baby when I had to say goodbye to them.

I had no idea that the pleading eyes of orphans in Managua would tear my heart in two…and make me question if I had done the right thing with my life. I didn’t have a clue that the precious people in the island nation of Indonesia would steal my heart and make me love in a way I never thought possible…or that my heart would physically ache when it was time to go. I didn’t know that moving to a new place like the hoppin’ town of Carpentersville 😉 would change so many things about who I am and what I believe…or that I would want to stay here and make this home forever.

And those are all blessings.

Even though it hurts. And boy, does it hurt…to look back at pictures and long for things that were just moments in my life, moments I will never have again.

To see pictures of students I loved so much and know that, until Heaven, pictures and memories will be all we have.

To stare into the big, brown eyes of a little girl who wants a home more than anything and know that I can’t give it to her, even if that’s what I want more than anything.

In many ways, I am like that girl. My heart is scattered…and it longs for a home.

Home is a word I can’t define, one that I stopped trying to explain to myself long ago. Because for me, every time I had a “home”, it was taken from me in one sense or another.

I always saw that as something negative.

Until yesterday.

And I can’t say that I have fully processed this…this is just where I am today. After spending a lot of time talking to God and, at times, fighting with Him, I feel like there’s some peace…not a lot, but some. He’s not asking me to let go…just to open my hands.

And I can handle that…trusting that He’ll give in His time. He knows what I desire…I think I’ve told Him that enough. 😉

And when it comes down to it, though my heart is in many pieces and the dreams I have aren’t looking the way I thought they might, I still feel blessed.

Because each piece of my heart that was scattered led to something else I learned to love.

And that, my friends, is the blessing of a scattered heart.

A sweet friend shared this song with me yesterday. I’ve listened to it several times since, and it makes me cry every

time. But good tears. :)

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears

?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguis

e?


Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, what I'm learning, where I am

A New Morning

March 9, 2011 by · 2 Comments

I am not typically a morning person.

I’d much rather get my few extra winks than wake up early.

Several weeks ago I blogged about my intentions to be more disciplined with getting up in the morning to spend time

with God. I can’t say that has gone the greatest…I just don’t do well early in the morning.

I’ve tried to be better about being focused and spending time with Him sometime during the day…and that is going better…with the exception of

the past few days.

However, this morning I got up early.

I had managed to get to sleep as soon as I finished my blog post last night at 11:06. 😉 And, amazingly, I woke up at 6:10 ready to go. That does not happen very often.

(Although it’s going to have to change…it’s March. Time to start running again.

:P)

Another thing I don’t do very often ever is take the dogs outside in

the morning. I think that has something to do with the fact that I don’t want my neighbors to know how bad my bedhead actually is.

(Although in my opinion, I think I rock it!

;)) But this morning, crazy hair and all, I went outside with all of my boys (and the baby monitor). Sounds strange, but it was a good start to the morning.

It was almost like breathing some fresh air

gave me a new start…not just to my day but to my outlook.

One of my favorite promises is found in the book of Lamentations 3:22-23.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

I know this p ass

age is often overused, but it truly is a promise that I hold close to my heart. And being reminded of it is another breath

of fresh air.

I love and serve a God who is merciful, forgiving, faithful, and loving.

And today I am so very thankful for this.

And that He never gives up on me.

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning

Off

March 8, 2011 by · 1 Comment

Wow, this is becoming a trend…I keep pushing it later and

later. It is exactly 10:32 p.m. Which leaves me with an hour and 28 minutes to blog.

I really need to stop doing this!

(In my defense, Maelie took no afternoon nap.)

So has anyone else noticed my writing has been off the past week or so?

I have…but maybe because I’m my own worst critic.

Until now, I never connected the fact that, during the six years my husband and I blogged together, I didn’t write on the bad days. It was kind of a no-brainer.

Feeling like crap? Don’t write. Simple.

And then, in all my sheer brilliance, (yes, a tiny bit of sarcasm here) I decide to blog every day for a year. That means a few things:

  • There are no days off.
  • Mae not napping today? Too bad. Blog after she goes to bed.
  • Writer’s block? Get over it, and come up with something…fast! Or write about airports or something… :)
  • Having an utterly wretched day? (Have had a couple of those lately.) Write anyway and try not to spill every emotion surging through myself onto the virtual pages of barefootmel.com.

Don’t misunderstand me…I really do love blogging…and writing, in general. Most days, it’s something I really look forward to. Today is just one of the few days that it feels more like a chore than anything. :(

The last couple weeks have just been ugly.

Ugly for me, ugly for my heart, ugly for everyone in my house. It’s just been hard.

I reread the post I wrote last week on being refined tonight. And I have to admit…my first thought was, did I just tell God to refine away

?

Goodness, what was I thinking?!

Of course, I got over that moment. And I know that God is going to do the refining that needs to be done in His own way, in His own time. He doesn’t need my permission for that.

I don’t want to pretend, EVER, that I’ve got it all together, even though I think there are days

I subconsciously do just that. Sometimes I look like it, but that’s mostly because I: a) refuse to go out of the house without mascara, eyeliner, and powder; b) take the time to straighten my hair; and c) wear jeans anytime I leave the house. Although b has fallen by the wayside twice this week already.

Hello crazy, curly hair…that’s not really very cute. In fact, my husband looked at me on Saturday and informed me that “my hair was a mess”.

That’s ok, I forgave him and we just laughed. Because I really am having an “off” couple of weeks.

And because my hair really was a mess. :)

The problem with being off is that I’m not sure how to get “on” again.

The thing is, I know some of the things I should be doing. But is it worth opening my Bible to just stare at the pages blankly, hoping for something to jump out and penetrate my heart? I suppose it’s worth trying.

It’s Lent season…and so many of my friends are excited about it, and I have not a clue. I’ve never been in a church that celebrates Lent before…but I have to admit that it’s intriguing and that I’m looking forward to it. In the past for us, Easter has always been just a Sunday. Just one. Then it’s over. I’m excited about celebrating it for 40 days…or however many days it is.

:)

That is, if my heart can get past all of this junk.

I know that God is bigger than the mess I’ve got going on…that He works despite me getting in the way all the ti

me. And that He loves me, with a Love that is bigger than all of the sin and frustration

and discouragement and ugly days.

So even though I’m feeling like life is a little off right now, I know that He’s right next to me.

And that helps a lot. :)

So, if you actually made it to the end of this post, thank you for listening to me pour out my heart.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

P.S. 11:06 p.m. 54 minutes to spare. I am so good. 😀

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning, writing

Being Refined

March 2, 2011 by · 3 Comments

This is a story I read years ago, and I think it’s been passed around in mass e-mails multiple times. You get to read it, anyway. :)

The Refiner

There w as

a group of women in

a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three, which says: “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.

“

This verse puzzled the women and

they wondered what this statement meant about

the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.

She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest, so  as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot — then she thought again about the verse that says, “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.”

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment.

Then she asked the silversmith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined?

He smiled at her and answered, “Oh that’s easy — when I see my image in it.”

***************************

I am being refined.

In ways I don’t want to be refined. I’m uncomfortable, frustrated, hurting, and sitting in the middle of the fire begging for my Maker to please,

please, please finish already.

(Another characteristic of a girl who doesn’ t like

to wait. :))

And as I wait in the middle of the fire, I see those impurities slowly being exposed…things that I know need to be burned away.

But it hurts…and I hate pain.

I don’t pretend to be perfect…as is evidenced by me splashing my heart onto this blog just about every day. In some ways, that blogging is part of the refining process…it’s showing me things in my life that need to change or be burned away so that I may be more like Him.

We sang a song at Immanuel on Sunday, and it hurts my heart to realize that the very words I sang three days ago didn’t truly connect with me at the time.

But they are my prayer.

And even though it’s going to hurt, I’m so thankful that my Father will be right beside me during the whole process.

So, God…refine away.

Refiner’s fire, my heart’s one desire
Is to be holy, set apart for You, Lord.


I want to be holy, set apart for you, my Master,
Ready to do Your will.

..ready to do Your will.

Sig

Filed Under: what I'm learning

In His Time

February 27, 2011 by · 3 Comments

Today I started briefly sketching out

an idea for a painting I want to do for Maelie’s room.

It’s really simple, which is a good thing, because I am NOT an artist…just a person with random moments of artistic talent.

Just a flower with the words, “He makes everything beautiful in His time.”

She doesn’t know it yet, but that’s pretty much the story of her life,

the story I want her to know.

**********************

I am terrible at waiting.

I do not like to be waiting in line at the grocery store, standing around at the end of the bar waiting for my coffee, and in Indonesia, I really hated waiting for a taxi. (Mostly because I knew that it could be as little as two minutes or as long as two hours before one showed up.

And who knows what the weather would do while I waited?)

Although I am not really Type A, I tend to have a plan for my day…and my life. I know how I want things done, and while there is definitely room to be spontaneous, I like it when my expectations are met. Exceeded is even better.

:)

My husband and I are in the middle of more waiting.

We made an offer on a house this past week.

It’s a house we love and where we see ourselves raising our family. Great neighborhood and location, close to friends

and church. Yeah, it’s the one we’re renting. I love it.

And I want it so badly I can hardly stand it.

I don’t want to wait…I just want an answer. I don’t even know how I’m going to sleep until we know. And the reality is, we may not know for awhile.

I think back not so long ago when we were waiting for something else.

A child.

At times it felt like it would never happen.

I watched as, what seemed like, everyone around me had babies. Multiple babies. Even some of my friends were adopting.

And I? Was just waiting with empty arms and a heart that was hurting more and more the longer we waited.

And in the middle of that waiting, I started wondering, “Is it really waiting if there’s nothing to wait for?”

Oh, Mel…such small faith.

Easy for me to say now, I guess.

At the time, it felt like God was always saying no. “No, I don’t want you to adopt this baby. No, I don’t want you to have this one.”

And then…He said yes.

I still smile really, really, B

IG when I remember the morning we got the positive pregnancy test. It meant about 7 1/2 more months of waiting, but I didn’t care one bit.

We were going to have a baby!

And then…the puking started. And didn’t stop.

I learned even more about waiting while I experienced 24/7 sickness for 18 weeks straight. My body was so physically weak and exhausted that showering and getting dressed were major accomplishments. My head hurt so bad that I could hardly look at a computer or tv screen or read a book.

Really, what does a person do with all of that time? I learned that there was nothing else I could do but pray…and wait it out.

And while it was horrible, we still knew that God was fulfilling His plan for our family in His time. There was comfort in that even though I felt absolutely awful.

And eventually, around the middle of the sixth month, I did stop puking and my head stopped hurting so much. I actually felt somewhat normal and was able to enjoy life…and begin to excitedly dream about the little girl we would be welcoming into our family so soon.

And before we knew it, June 14 was here, and Maelie arrived!

The waiting was long…and hard. But she was so, so worth the wait.

And whether I’m waiting for a baby or a house, I know that God will give us an answer in His time.

Father, remind me of this on the days I don’t feel like waiting.

In His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful
In His time.
Lord, please show me every day,
As You’re teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say
In Your time.

In Your time,
In Your time,
You make all things beautiful
In Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing
In Your time.

Sig

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, encouragement, family, what I'm learning

Filterizing

February 20, 2011 by · 1 Comment

Yeah, I know I made up that word

.

Warning: This got really, really long. :) And, oh… it is FULL of my opinions today, so you can take

it or leave it. Seriously…you’ve been warned.

A few years ago I had my students memorize James 3. I let them choose the chapter they memorized, under certain criteria, and I believe it won the class vote because of the length.

Hey, they were 5th graders. :) I memorized it with them, and what I didn’t tell them? How much I learned from it…and how completely convicting it was. (If you’re not familiar with the chapter, go ahead and read it.

I’m not going to post it here…you can look it up.) Basically it deals with controlling your tongue, which was actually a very good topic for us to talk about in 5th grade…it provided some excellent conversations.

And the kids just thought they were getting a short chapter to memorize…haha!

No matter how “old” I get, I have to constantly keep my tongue in check…and keep a filter on my words, whether I’m speaking, facebooking, or blogging.

And that can be hard.

A confession.

Daily…and I do mean Every Single Day…I laugh at the status updates of people on Facebook who seemingly have no filter on the things they share with the world.

Maybe that’s not the nicest thing…very possibly, it’s the writer in me that finds it both funny and absurd.

I’m just that way…I need to make sure that before I send something into public cyberworld that I check over what I’m sharing and that I keep what needs to be private…just that, private.

That’s why I surprised myself yesterday when I completely contradicted every standard I’ve ever held myself to in terms of blogging, and I wrote an article without checking it over.

GASP!

I. always. proofread.

And I almost always take things out because I feel like I’m sharing either too much or unnecessary information.

Or too much unnecessary information? :)

Thankfully, there were no grammar errors, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. That’s pretty uncommon for me, though, because I tend to read over each sentence before moving on to the next one. However…

I did use the word, fart.

Really, Mel, did you want to use that word?

I am fully aware that in some circles, that word is not entirely appropriate. That, and it’s just not professional, which…well, I walk a fine line between professionalism and having a good time when I write, anyway. So it wasn’t that I was worried about what people would think of me.

Other than the fact that I used the word, fart.

I find it slightly comical now, and truthfully, I could go back and change it.

I could, but I won’t.

At the time, I w as in

a silly mood. (I would have had to be to write an entire post about Whoopie Pies.

:)) The word fit my mood at the time, even if it caused me to shake my head and roll my eyes today.

Whatever…it’s me.

And when I put my thoughts and emotions out there every single day, there are bound to be days that I wish I had not said something or used a certain word. We all wish we could take back things

we say.

But no matter what, I am bound and determined to use a filter on my words as much as possible, even though I will slip up now

and then.

So back to why I think so many Facebook status updates are completely ridiculous.

If I’m so dying to share that I just had a bagel or that my dog stepped on my foot, I’ll sms a friend. Or call my husband…I’m sure he’ll totally appreciate the distraction in his day just to know that Sammy has possibly dislocated my little toe.

I just don’t understand when I open up my home page and see six posts in a row from someone…just had breakfast; new post (2 minutes later)…leaving for my job; 3 minutes later…stuck in traffic…

And don’t even GET me going on people who update their status while they’re driving. That’s another post for

another day.

The point is…filter, my friends. Share once in awhile…even a few times a day is good…but I don’t need every detail of your lives. If you want to share that much, get a blog or something. :)

I read an article recently on the ten things you should never do on Facebook…and a lot of them have to do with status updates and how the things you are sharing now could hurt your future. (I’m not going to link to it because I don’t endorse some of the language used.

However…if you want to read it, google it. It’ll come up.)

It made me think twice, and I’m pretty sure you will, too.

So if anyone was offended by my use of a certain word yesterday, I am truly sorry.

It wasn’t meant to be that way, and the purpose of my blog is not

to step on toes.

Filterize my mouth…and my life. That’s my new goal.

Want to make it yours, too

?

Sig

Filed Under: goals, what I'm learning, writing

His

February 17, 2011 by · 1 Comment

Ever have one of those weeks?

Yeah, I’m in the middle of one.

It’s just been off…nothing completely horrible, just nothing really going right.

Maelie is sick…it’s just a cold, but I know she doesn’t feel well, and it hurts my heart that I can’t make it better.

The snow is melting.

Yay for warmer temperatures…but with everything so soggy and disgusting AND with no sun, the whole day just feels kind of blah.

Gray, gray, go away!

I feel like I haven’t been the best wife possible this week. I’m learning a lot about humility and extending mercy to my husband, leaving some room for him to be human. (I’m also thinking I need to revisit Micah 6:8 very soon…)

My dogs are driving me crazy. I love them…but sometimes their exuberance at ALL the wrong times (aka: Maelie’s naptime) makes me want to lock them in the bedroom. And Sammy fell through the ice on the river this morning…maybe Tobin can tell that story sometime.

:) Don’t worry, he’s fine. He just came home very, very WET!

And very, very happy…which is not exactly what we want…that dog has no fear.

Tobin and I are in the process of waiting on something huge. It’s something I want SO badly, and the reality is that there is nothing I can do about it right now. I need to just open up my hands… so please pray for us.

If He wants it for us, it will happen.

God is doing a lot in my heart right now, but I’m having a hard time finding the words to share that…and that scares me.

I’m a writer…and when I can’t find words, it just feels wrong.

I’m also a feeler and it’s easy for the drama queen tendencies to come out more often when my days aren’t bursting with joy.

I also think that feelers have more discouraging days because we have such high expectations for life…so really, there’s nothing wrong with life right now. (Although I could definitely use some more sun!)

A sweet blogger friend posted this passage a few days ago.

It’s one of my favorites, and reading it makes me feel like my Father wrote it just for me.

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.'”

Isaiah 43:1-4a (ESV)

So cool…I love His promises.

I. Am. His.

No matter what.

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning

Filled

February 12, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

So yesterday was hard…and honestly, it got more difficult even after I posted.

But that was yesterday.

Today His mercies are new, and I have seen them all over my day.

I love how things that seem so small turn into such blessings.

Like three hours spent with a friend helping her do some “mindless-but-necessary-and-important teacher stuff”. (And it really was important, so it’ s ok for me to

say that. :)) We h ad

some good conversations that were convicting for me…things that I really need to think ab out.

So I’m thankful.

Or like a comment from a new blogging friend who is going through some of the same things I am.

Or linking to an absolutely phenomenal post that so connected with me exactly where I am right now.

I wanted to copy and paste the entire thing here, but my husband informed me that it’s not a good idea in the blogging world to do that. So I’ll have to trust you, my wonderful readers, to head on over here and check it out. It is worth your time and will leave you smiling really, really BIG. 😀

Although Mela’s entire writing was great, there was one thing that just stuck with me.

And that? Is worth repeating.

“My fears could have counted me out.

I felt the enemy telling me to keep my head down, go through the motions and keep my mouth shut. But, as I pushed through, God’s plans, and the faith He provides, kicked in.”

Sometimes I feel like that.

Like so many aspects of life would be easier if I just gave into fear and didn’t share the things going on in my heart.

That’s why it was so hard to start my own blog…because I know myself.

I know the Mel inside who has so many passions and strong beliefs that have been kept silent because of fear. And I want to scream them all out at once, but I know that’s not practical at all, either.

:)

And anyway, some of you would probably run screaming.

So I’ll refrain, for now.

But I have so many hopes for this blog…not just because I want a ton of readers and hits. That’s not the point, although I would definitely take more blog traffic. :)

It’s because I believe I have a story…a lot of them, in fact. God is doing some big things in the middle of some crazy life changes.

I got one of the biggest compliments ever yesterday in an e-mail. A friend told me I had a true gift for writing.

I’m not sure anyone has ever told me that before.

And it meant so much to my heart. In a non-prideful way, it was exactly what I needed to hear to keep going.

So yesterday I was drained, but today I am filled.

And ready, once again, to write from the places in my heart that most people haven’t seen yet.

Thanks for reading.

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning, writing

Drained

February 11, 2011 by · 2 Comments

Do you ever have days

when you just feel drained?

Today was one of those days.

It wasn’t a bad day…I think I’m just feeling the effects of a late night, a busy morning/early afternoon, a nasty headache, and honestly…writing yesterday’s post exhausted me emotionally.

So today will be short and sweet, which isn’t always bad. :)

I’ve been trying to read through some of the Psalms

this week. On Monday I read Psalms 16 & 17 and found so many promises that connected with exactly where my heart is right now.

(Here are a few… you get my paraphrased versions.

:))

He is my Lord; I have no good thing apart from him.

The Lord is my portion.

I have a beautiful inheritance.

I have set him before me; because he is at my right hand, I won’ t be shaken.

He hides me in the shadow of his wings.

I will behold his face in righteousness; when I awake I will be satisfied with his likeness.

Love those two Psalms.

And I love how, even though I’m feeling drained, His precious promises fill me up.

:)

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, what I'm learning

Micah 6:8 (Part 2): Do Justice

February 8, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

On my first day of 5th grade, I was seated next to a boy named…we’ll call him N, on the off chance that he ever sees this. :)

N had a dirty mouth. We are talking Dir. Ty.

Every other sentence was riddled with nasty words…every bad word you can think of…repeatedly. Every single day.

All day long.

Imagine the “fun” he had when he learned that I couldn’t stand his excessive swearing.

(And really, I don’t think it was that I’d fully learned that I shouldn’t talk dirty yet…I think any normal person would have been sick of it after five minutes.) Anyway.

He took every opportunity he could to make me mad…and eventually he resorted to calling me some of those names.

Sometime around October…since I’d been putting up with it for weeks…I decided it was time to administer some justice. (After all, I was a cop’s daughter…I knew all about justice, right

? :)) I took my elbow and I jabbed him. Hard.

I learned quickly that this jab would shut him up for a few blessed, peaceful minutes. And so I used it as my tactic for bringing some san

ity to my day.

Eventually we switched seats, and thankfully, he moved on to share his wonderful language with another poor, unsuspecting student. Although I silently rejoiced that I no longer had to sit by N, I felt sorry for the student who now had to put up with him.

Imagine my surprise when we switched seats a few months later…and who did I get the utter privilege to sit by again?

You guessed it.

And he hadn’t changed a bit.

Thankfully I had a tried and true method and I wasn’t afraid to use it.

Multiple times a day I would take my elbow and jab him as hard as I could once he got going on his swearing rampage.

A couple times he even said, “Ouch!”…and oh, the joy I felt.

Until one day…when I wasn’t careful enough.

Just as N finished calling me yet another name, I let him have it.

And Ms. S. saw.

Oh boy, did I get it.

Yeah, that’s right. I got it. Not him. Me.

I don’t remember what the punishment was. I think I got my name on the board and had to write sentences or something.

But what got me about the whole thing was that I got in trouble.

Wasn’t I just doing the right thing

?

Well, that’s subjective, I guess.

And I have to be honest here…a tiny bit of me still flares up when I think of that moment and how justice was served to one person, but not both. I am sure that I (and probably others) informed my teacher of exactly why I was using the elbow jab. But it didn’t matter. Physical violence was not tolerated.

I guess the school hadn’t yet realized that verbal can be worse.

So the whole idea of justice…yeah, it came up in my life at an early age.

But what does it mean exactly?

Justice. God tells us to do it–the version of the Bible I grew up with words it a little differently…to do justly. I don’t think He meant that I should repeatedly use my own form of justice to punish someone, though.

Every night Tobin and I pray for Maelie.

We have a list of 31 character traits, and we pray one for her

each night. Last night was justice…and I couldn’t help thinking of this story as I prayed for her.

What do I pray for her in terms of justice?

Well, first off, I never want her to be treated unfairly.

(Mommy hat on here…) I never want her to treat others unfairly. I want her to learn that when we do wrong there are consequences to our actions; but on the flip side of that, she should know that there are rewards when we obey…and that God rewards those who obey as well.

I want to be an example of that in Maelie’s life. When Tobin and I have an argument, do I treat him justly or am I unreasonable? When I get frustrated or upset with something do I react in an appropriate manner or do I lash out? Sure, she’s not old enough to understand…yet. But I’d rather not wait for the day she can understand to make sure that my thoughts, words, and actions toward others are just.

And I think that’s where the other parts of this verse come in…love kindness (mercy) and walk humbly.

(Parts 3 & 4) God knew what He was doing when He wrote that verse.

:) When we do justly, kindness and humility should be the products from our actions.

If I could go back to that situation in 5th grade, knowing what I know now, I would probably handle it differently. (Chances are the school would, too…now that bullying is an actual issue that is being addressed and not swept under the rug. But that’s not the point.) Regardless of how I was treated, my actions should have displayed kindness…such as ignoring him or trying to talk to him; and humility…not creating drama (who, me? :)) by continually elbowing him.

Ah, the lessons we learn much later than we should.

I don’t know where N is today…but I hope a lot of things for him–the obvious, that he’s cleaned up his mouth and his life. But more important, that he’s found forgiveness and hope.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, remembering, what I'm learning
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