Cherry Drool

May 22, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I took Mae to the doctor today to get her leg checked out.

She was cranky and crying, as usual, while Dr. F was examining her, making it hard for him to pinpoint if he was dealing with a little girl in pain or just a mad little girl. 😉 He invited her to take a walk down the hall with him to “get a sucker”…or, so he could see her limping.

She gladly obliged, and he was suddenly at the top of her “favorite people list” after giving her a sucker from the basket. (I think this made him feel good after so many visits of not being especially loved. True.)

The second she tore that wrapper off the Dum Dum, she stuffed the candy into her mouth…and I watched in amazement.

When did she learn to do this?

I’d never given her a sucker before, but she knew what to do!

And…what not to do.

Enter…The. Drool.

Cherry flavored.

Mmmmmmmm. (Or not.)

I could not believe the amount of drool that teeny, tiny sucker produced. It soaked the front of her shirt. It left a trail AND then a puddle on the floor.

And all Dr. F and I could do…was laugh.

Golly, it was funny.

AND a sticky, gross mess (that I got) to clean up…BUT it was such a good reminder to me.

Sometimes there are pieces of life that are not the easiest to deal with. The best we can do is laugh, clean it all up, and keep going.

Which is exactly what I did…except, I waited until she was done with her candy before I took her out of the office. (No sense in continuing the trail of cherry goo.) 😉

We got out to the car, changed her shirt, and were on our way home.

With a story that, I’m sure, will be told over and over. :)

(Oh, and her leg is ok…just a sprain. Thanks for praying! :))

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, being mommy, just life, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

His Love

May 20, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I love every ounce of her.

(Well, I love every ounce of the coffee I’m drinking now, too, but I love her even more.) 😉

Sometimes it’s just astounds me…the love that can fill up my heart to the point of feeling like it’s going to burst all over the place from utter JOY.

Oh, I love her.

The way she snuggles and cuddles and rests her head on the beat of my heart. If she only understood how long we dreamed…someday she will. And she will know how valued and loved and wonderful she is…not just to us but to her Creator.

Oh, He loves her!

And in the midst of a hard day with some uncertainty, I was reminded over and over that He knit her together in my womb…knowing every single, tiny detail about her that would ever be. Things that I…her own mama…don’t know. That amazes my heart and fills me with peace even when I don’t have answers. I don’t know how she fell today or why she’s limping or if she’s hurt badly…but He does.

Because He loves her.

I can be having a terrible day, and one look at her precious smile or a second of that completely-full-of-JOY giggle, and it’s all good. She delights in the simple things…walks to the park, playing kitchen with me, exploring the yard, chasing the dogs. She reminds me each day that life is beautiful and a gift and that each moment can be a priceless memory if we choose to make it one.

I love her so much.

And maybe what amazes me more than anything is that I know how much I love her…and He loves her even more. I can’t fathom it, I can’t understand it…but I can believe it because He’s promised it.

Resting in His Love today.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

The Skinny(er)

May 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment

So I’m sitting here with a too-late cup of coffee, deciding how to do this.

But I promised you all, after the pics yesterday, and so here’s the skinny…or at least the skinny(er). 😉

So, I’m sure most moms can relate to the extra poundage that hangs on after having a baby.

For some reason, I had it in my mind that the 44 pounds I gained with Maelie would just magically disappear once I started breastfeeding. What I hadn’t anticipated were difficulties with latching, making it necessary for me to pump around the clock for months. (Ugh…there I go reminding myself.) And for whatever reason, the weight, which was supposed to come off…didn’t.

In the fall after Maelie was born, I started running again. It took me a long time to build back up the endurance I’d had before I got pregnant. I set a goal to run a 5k that November, and I did run it…but there’s no way I’m sharing my time with you all! :) During that time of running and training, I continued to eat whatever I wanted.

I think, in some ways, food became that stability. It wasn’t like I was gaining a lot…I just wasn’t losing anything. But at a time when everything was new…city and neighborhood (COUNTRY, for that matter), friends, church…at least there was always chocolate and Chicago deep-dish and pretzels. (And a lot of other things.)

Last summer, I finally got serious (or, at least thought I did) and joined a Biggest Loser competition with some friends. I worked out religiously…5-6 times a week. However, I didn’t?

Stop eating whatever I wanted.

At the end of  the summer, after losing only a few pounds, I knew I had pinpointed a problem.

Food had started overtaking me.

Gosh, that’s hard to admit. I’m really, really struggling with hashing this out for you all…just being honest.

Tobin, Maelie, and I went to Mississippi for a week in September to see some good friends. While we were there, I found some inspiration in the form of my friend, Sarah. She had worked really, really hard and looked fantastic…after having three kids in less than four years, no less. She told me a few things that had worked for her, and I decided I needed to do something.

I came home, joined another round of the Biggest Loser, got rid of the bad food in our house, and got serious.

I counted calories…1,000-1,200 a day.

Plus a workout or two each day. (I let myself take a day off every week.)

It worked…in nine weeks, I was down 22 pounds and just 14 shy of my goal weight.

I survived the holidays, only gaining a couple pounds back, and joined yet another round of the BL.

Ten weeks later, I was one pound from my goal. (Which I did eventually reach.)

Yeah, so I totally realize that if I stop here and post this as it currently is, I do sound like a brat.

So, bear with me, ok?

This journey was a good one for me. I needed to get myself into better shape. I needed to be healthy. I needed to stop squeezing my size 14 into a size 12. 😉

I needed to feel better about myself.

Yes, it was a good journey. (And it’s not over! My goal now? To stay here!)

But, it was also a hard one.

I battled through a lot…I learned a lot. I was humbled a lot.

And maybe sharing this will help someone.

I learned…

First and foremost, that no amount of weight loss and skinny can make a person truly beautiful. One day, after an especially frustrating morning in which I was NOT a good mommy, I caught myself staring at my reflection in the mirror and thinking about how good I looked. But the truth is? I. Felt. Ugly. I’d said things, done things that day that didn’t honor my Father and didn’t show Maelie that I loved her. I was reminded that morning (and am being continually reminded) that having a beautiful heart is so much more important than having a beautiful body.

Also? That any obsession apart from my Father is wrong. There were days when I was SO focused. I HAD to get that second workout in before I went to bed. I HAD to burn this-many calories before I could end the day. And those things? Got in the way of time I could have spent in His Word, in prayer…growing in Grace. There is nothing wrong with having a goal, but when that goal takes away from what’s really important, then it needs to re-evaluated.

I have to admit to you that I continually work on that one. Sometimes it’s hard to miss that workout or run because of something more important.

God also taught me something that I never thought I’d share here…but I feel like I should.

He gave me a glimpse of what it was like for someone who struggles with anorexia. Because I think, at one point, I was headed down that road. Every waking thought was about food. I obsessed to the point of not eating enough and working out too much. All I could think about was clothing sizes and being “skinny”…and it began to overtake my mind.

Thankfully, I recognized it…and that was totally from God. I had a pretty tough conversation with a friend, who was really gentle with me but also pretty honest. After talking with her, I knew I had to recognize the fact that this obsession could potentially be dangerous.

I don’t think I ever reached the point of anorexia, but I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I asked two friends to keep me accountable. To ask me if I’d eaten enough…and to check in on me. I needed that.

Since that time last November, God has been really good. He’s teaching me to find balance and ways to stay healthy without overly obsessing if I miss a run or eat a cupcake. (Or twelve!) 😉 He’s working on my heart in ways that are painful but necessary. He’s teaching me so much about loving what He’s created and being satisfied in who I am.

That doesn’t mean I’m there at all…but He’s working on me.

I never understood people who struggled with eating disorders before this journey, and perhaps He gave me this glimpse to help me to be more empathetic. I get it…or at least a small part of it…now.

So often, we focus on becoming what society has termed acceptable. We have it in our head that a number on a scale is what’s most important. And it’s not. Because I’ll tell you that that number goes up and down a little. And if it goes up by two? I can’t let it ruin my day. Or my week. I just have to keep going.

I can’t think of a way to end this.

Maybe by having a good cry? (Because I could sure go for one about now!) 😉

Maybe just to encourage you…to keep your focus where it needs to be. And if part of it is on losing weight…that’s OK. As long as you don’t forget about the other things that are important, too.

I’m really thankful for the last eight months…and for me, the hardest part is yet to come. Because, as with any goal, sometimes when you “arrive” is when you start to slack. I’m working hard to not do that. I’m also really thankful that, on this earth, we never “arrive” spiritually…He continues to mold and shape our hearts if we’ll let Him.

God is GOOD, isn’t He? Find some time today to thank Him for what He’s done. :)

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, being mommy, blessings, church, encouragement, friends, just life, Maelie, running, what I'm learning, where I am

Before and After

May 14, 2012 by · 8 Comments

Monday night…

Workout…

Up late…

Trying NOT to feel guilty about the…ahem…DOZEN mini red-velvet cupcakes I ate over the weekend…

Darn you, Mother’s Day, and the way you let me think I can dismiss any and all calories I consume because you are a holiday.

😉

Of course I’m kidding…it was a wonderful day and worth every extra calorie, even if it means I’m going to be working it all off for a few days!

Anyway, here are a couple pics. It’s a good night to post them.

Story/thoughts coming tomorrow, mostly ’cause I’m still thinking.And trying desperately not to brag and sound like a completely self-centered brat while talking about weight loss. (Is that possible?) I hope so…’cause I really don’t want to be like that.

Ok, I’ll quit. :) The pics.

So, this is me before…Tob said it was the best picture of all the ones we had. Ok, then. I honestly have a hard time looking at this photo…and I really dislike my hair color, too, but that is irrelevant. 😉

And, this is me last Saturday. I’ll tell you more about how I actually got here tomorrow. :) (Sorry, I just don’t have the words tonight.) And, as a bonus, you also get the sweetest dog in the universe…my Andre boy, who just wouldn’t get out of the picture!

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, just life, what I'm learning, where I am

Worth Seeing

May 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

This has been going around facebook for a couple of days.

It is so amazing. SO.

Rather than give you my take…just take ten minutes and watch it for yourself. You won’t be sorry.

You can find the intro to the video here.

Sig

Filed Under: marriage, what I'm learning

On Giving Up the Grudge

May 9, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Tonight is a not-so-short account of some stuff I need to share. Sorry for the length and scattered thoughts, but maybe you will connect with where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading. :)

When it came time for me to choose a college after high school, I chose a small Baptist college in Iowa, which I attended for five years. (Yeah, five…I crammed four years in that way. ;))

Names aren’t necessary…I mean, there aren’t that many Bible colleges in Iowa; I’m sure you could look up the grit if you feel like it.

Attending there was a decision I made with quite a bit of pressure from some people who were very influential in my life at the time. I think I chose the college mostly to please them; I had previously been accepted to a liberal arts Christian college in Hannibal, Missouri, which I was SO excited about. But, being that it wasn’t strictly Baptist, I think it’s fair to say I was somewhat guilted into changing my mind.

So I did.

And I will also admit to you that I never even looked at the handbook to my college of choice until I arrived on campus for freshman orientation. I think that alone says a lot about how eager I was to “do the right thing” in the eyes of people I knew were watching every move I made.

When I arrived, I was surprised (overwhelmed? shocked? horrified?) with the many rules I was being forced to obey willingly. (Yes, that oxymoron was intended.)

Everything was dictated, down to when I could wear jeans (almost never) and what kind of music I could listen to (hymns and classical only) to what kind of shoes were appropriate for classroom dress (read: NOT yellow jellies…ooops!) and what kind of outside activities were unacceptable (movies, single-dating, dancing, etc.)

Really, the list goes on and on (and on and on) and the purpose this post is not to bring all of this to light. If you’re that interested, feel free to check out the handbook online; I am fairly certain that it has not changed all that much since I graduated in 2001. (Although the women don’t have to wear nylons anymore, and for that, I think I will always be a little bitter. ;))

What this IS about is the grudge against this institution that I held for a decade or longer.

The grudge that was slowly tearing me up.

The grudge that was doing more damage to the person holding it than it was to those against which it was held.

When you’re in a position where every decision is practically made for you, when it feels like the number of things that are not acceptable to do with free time is greater than what’s acceptable, when it feels like freedom to go home for Christmas break and wear jeans…

That’s when some negative feelings start to seep in.

And it’s easy to let them take over.

If you know me at all (or have read the blog for very long), you know that I have obviously changed quite a bit since that phase in my life. Jeans are my clothing of choice, year round. I wear tank tops. I go to movies. I attend a Lutheran church (Which I love, love, love.) with both traditional and contemporary services and (gasp!) drums and a worship band which I sing with sometimes. (More love, love, love.) I read versions of the Bible other than the KJV, I’ll go to the occasional girls’ night out, and I read books like Confessions of a Shopaholic and the Hunger Games. (Did I mention I’m going to the movie next week? Can’t wait!!!)

And I also really try to live each day by walking in the Grace that I have been so freely given.

But I do have to confess that I’ve far too many conversations with people as I process (and laugh about) the multitude of rules and regulations I was forced to obey at this school. It’s a great conversation piece since most of my friends have never been subjected to this kind of environment…and yet, I know that there are some bitter feelings buried.

Or, not-so-buried.

And here’s the thing…I did agree to go there. I did sign a paper saying I’d obey. And for the most part, I did…though there was that time two of my roommates and I hid a hamster in our dorm room. And the time that we cranked up At the Beginning from Anastasia and sang and danced to it until we were laughing so hard we couldn’t stand it. I guess we’d call those moments of rebellion, but they sure did create memories. And. So. Much. Laughter.

Five years of all of this, for better or worse…it’s how I spent my introduction to adulthood.

Two weeks ago Maelie and I made a trip to Iowa. After we’d met some friends for dinner on Tuesday night, I had to practically drive right by the college to get to my friend’s house where we’d spend the night. (It was two blocks out of the way.)

I hadn’t even seen the campus for probably eight years, and I have to admit to you that my heart pounded as I approached NW 4th Street, but I did it.

I drove by.

Rolled down my window.

And whispered…

It’s over.

And with that, I made the decision to give up being bitter.

I can’t get those years back, but who can change the past?

What good is going to do me to hold on to this grudge?

Zero…it’s only going to hurt me.

Why would I do that to myself?

When I am truly honest with myself, it wasn’t all bad. I got an amazing foundation in the Bible. (Well, minus the 7 a.m. classes that I was never mentally present for. ;)) I made some lifelong friends. I had the chance to travel with a vocal ensemble and handbell group…which were both really, really fun…and there’s zero sarcasm there.

And it is almost certain that I would never have met Tobin and be where I am if I hadn’t gone there.

What I took away from that school was far greater than what it took from me.

And that’s the truth, even though I feel sometimes like I was gypped out of being an adult. (Thankfully, I am mostly still sane…though I think I need to turn off comments on this post to keep you from countering that!) 😉

So I gave up the grudge.

Decided to focus on the blessings that came out of it AND the ones right in front of me.

Life is good…and it’s also not perfect for anyone.

And I’ll choose to make the best of it and find the JOY that is all around.

Because God is GOOD…and He always will be.

What about you? I’m curious if you’ve ever struggled to let go of some bad feelings. Please share. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, friends, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Quit Explaining Everything

May 7, 2012 by · 4 Comments

I had a huge AHA! moment the other day.

Yes, it deserved capital letters in bold. It was that big. Well, at least for me. 😉

I read this blogger a lot. She is funny, she is witty, she’s extremely insightful, and while I don’t always agree with her, I find her honesty and ability to throw it all out there refreshing.

It all started with the story of the student who got kicked out of a certain fundamental university (not mine) for protesting against a member of the university board who had excused/helped hide a devastating crime…a member of his church raping an innocent teenage girl and getting away with it. (This blog post is not about that, and I truthfully don’t know all the details, so I’m not sharing my thoughts…just giving a little background. Google will give you more information should you want to read more.) The university said he was expelled for excessive demerits and for watching Glee. (That made me laugh out loud.)

The whole idea of demerits got this blogger friend of mine thinking…and digging for details. (She’s very good at that.) What followed were three posts wherein she brought to light some of the ridiculous demands of students at this institution. At times I felt she was a bit harsh, having lived a good part of what she wrote about, BUT she had some very, very good points (interspersed with her one-of-a-kind sarcasm), especially in her last post.

It was as if she took the confusion and questioning and anger that swirled around in me for a decade and finally gave me some peace. Or God gave the peace and she helped…either way, I think I found it a little. Anyway, you can read the article here.

For the most part, I nodded my head in agreement. And then the light bulb came on right in front of my eyes, and I could suddenly see. (Sight is a novel idea. Really.)

It. Was. Amazing.

Truly.

An excerpt:

“What happens when you live like this is that you never develop your own decision-making skills. 

You’re constantly seeking prior approval for everything. After awhile, you can’t LIVE without permission. You begin to panic when faced with a decision–how will you ever make this decision without approval/permission from the “God-given authorities” in your life?!

One of the things I had to work on in therapy was not apologizing for everything and also not feeling compelled to explain everything I did. I had been raised to believe every decision Reverberated Through Eternity! and so I was always ready with “Biblical reasons” for ANY decision I made. It was like I couldn’t do something without a Bible verse to back it up.”

–from elizabethesther.com

So, that’s kind of me.

In general, I worry that every move I make is being watched, judged, and should I slip up…or even think I’ve slipped up…an apology is immediately necessary as is groveling and shame.

There’s something wrong with that.

A couple of months ago I started recapping our anniversary trip. When I posted pictures of Spain, there was this certain picture…one that Tobin and I talked about at length before posting it.

That’s because it had a bottle of wine in it. And, yes, we did drink the wine if any of you have been speculating. Now you know. 😉

I felt like I needed some sort of explanation…or apology. As I expressed that to my husband, the one who is surprisingly far more balanced than I am, he was like, No. No, you don’t need to explain anything.

And the fact is…no, I didn’t. We drank wine on our trip. We drink wine here in the States, too. 😉

It is a personal decision, one we don’t feel violates anything Biblical, and it’s not up for judgment or analyzing. It is what it is.

Next week I’m going to see The Hunger Games. After spending over a decade of my life sneaking around, never admitting that I actually go to movies, I’m gonna tell you that I do, in fact, go to the theater AND that I’m pretty excited about seeing it on the big screen! And no explanation necessary.

I went out and bought a new pair of jeans last week. I needed them, and that’s that. For some reason, I even felt that I needed to explain that decision. And. I. Don’t. My butt was too small for most of my current jeans (not sure I will EVER type that sentence again!) and so I went out and bought what I couldn’t find at Goodwill.

And, not like you needed even that much info, but that’s that.

Though I don’t use profanity on my blog, occasionally I’ll use a word that some may deem inappropriate. I’ll never forget the day after I used the word fart. I do believe I actually wrote an entire post the next day, apologizing for my use of the word.

Golly, Mel. Quit Apologizing!

There are facts…

That no matter what we do, people will judge.

That there’s not a person in the world who will share every single thought and opinion of mine.

That I’m the one who’s held accountable for my actions, words, thoughts…not anyone else.

So, that’s a new goal of mine…to explain and apologize less.

To live a little more…live according to what God wants and to forget about what others think.

Easier said than done, I know. But it is a start.

And if you’re interested, tomorrow (or the next day) I’m posting about a seriously GOOD moment I had a couple weeks ago when I drove by my old college. It took me awhile to process, but I’m looking forward to sharing it.

Sig

Filed Under: just life, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

(in)RL: I Heart Community

April 30, 2012 by · 4 Comments

I’ve talked about (in)Real Life a lot lately. And I’m going to talk about it again. :)

Just today. Promise. :)

It’s just that it was SO. SO. Incredibly. GOOD.

Here’s the thing. When I signed up for it ages ago, I was pumped to meet fellow (in)courage readers and bloggers…and just make some new friends. That’s totally the ENFP in me. Truly all about relationships.

But I also knew I couldn’t host a meet-up, though I did consider it. Too many factors weighed in on that one, and to top it off, I had committed to leading a workout that morning just a few hours before it kicked off. I watched the meet-up lists for weeks, sure that one would be happening at least somewhat close to me.

It didn’t happen, and I was disappointed. I knew that if I attended one of the closest ones to me, it still meant more than an hour of driving one way, and I didn’t have it in my day.

Instead, I mentioned it to a friend.

I’ve got an awesome community of girlfriends here. Oh, they’re like coffee with extra-yummy creamer on a gloomy, rainy day. They just make my life better, sweeter, and more alive. But the one thing we don’t have in common is blogging. Some of them enthusiastically read my blog, and I so value that they show their love to me in that way. But they don’t follow other blogs, and so I knew they didn’t completely understand what a huge part of my life this place called (in)courage is.

But I opened it up anyway, asking if any of my friends would like to join me.

And two of them did!

Our day looked different from most (in)RL meetups. We already knew each other.

But we still brewed the coffee, ate some awesome food, kicked up our feet…

And something happened that day.

We walked away knowing each other’s hearts better. Because let’s be honest…we all have joys and sorrows and need those people to love us and pray for us and just be there for us.

I’ve been so thankful for this community of love that God has given me…but I’m even more thankful now.

As we watched stories unfold…

…like incredible ways God answered prayer for dear sisters-in-Christ

…and how God used a woman who was willing to be obedient to reach many, many women in Kenya

…like the reminder that we were created exactly as He wanted us to be…and WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

…and listened to the beauty of blended voices as women from around the world read Truth together

…we laughed together, we let a few tears drip together (ok…that was probably more me ;)), we shared our hearts, we loved a little deeper.

We were community. We still are.

The day didn’t end up looking at all like what I had originally thought it might…but I have no doubt that God was in it, and He worked it out exactly as it should have been. He knew what I needed more than I did and met me exactly where I was. As He always, always does.

Thank you to my beautiful sisters at (in)courage for giving us this incredible weekend! I want to hug you all! What a blessing you are…and will continue to be…in my life.

Oh, I heart community!

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, friends, what I'm learning, where I am

A Heart Spill

April 17, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I just started a pot of coffee. (It’s 9:15 p.m.)

It could potentially be a long chat tonight. (And if it’s not, hey…hubby will have iced coffee in the morning. ;))

So for the last few days…I’ve kinda fluffed my way around the blog. I didn’t really write junk…I just wrote things that didn’t make me think too hard. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

But putting those thoughts into words on a blog is much more difficult than the actual thinking. (I write some pretty great bestsellers in my head!)

I’m not sure how to process this…so I may just let my thoughts spill and see where they go. I apologize, in advance, if you hopped over here for Mel’s witty take on life. Maybe tomorrow. :)

By the way, you may have noticed that the blog is different? Yeah. I’m in the middle of updating some things and figured…if I can’t change the past, at least I can change my blog!

So I really hate those nights when I KNOW I need to share something. (Or a million somethings.)

It has been a really discouraging week. I can’t count the number of times that uninvited tears have overflowed and made my eyeliner run all over the place. Or how often I’ve felt so exhausted and drained that doing anything has felt impossible. Or how often, out of sheer exhaustion and impatience, I’ve raised my voice at Mae.

On Saturday (following several days of this), Tobin and I knew we needed to get out of the house, and the three of us went to Menards. Mae did fine for the first part of the trip and started to get fussy toward the end. While we were waiting in line to check out, I gave her a tiny sip of my coffee to calm her down. (Judge me now. Enough people in line were doing it.) I could feel their eyes burning at me, and to make matters worse…that one sip only made her want more. She started screaming, Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! After a few seconds, when it became apparent that this wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, I picked her up, took her outside, and carried her across the entire parking lot to our van while she continued her rant.

I could feel people staring at me, and it only reiterated the thought that I’m a bad mommy.

Lie.

Add to it the fact that for some reason, Indonesia keeps coming back to me…and not in good ways.

Here’s the thing. We loved it there. (Most of the time.) But we also struggled, and it was no secret to anyone that we were ready for what was next. I don’t believe we left on bad terms, though I do know that God definitely had something else for us and that He moved us on at the right time.

Lately I’ve been seeing pictures on facebook and hearing stories of how great my former students are doing…and I’m filled with questions and, often, regret. Don’t misunderstand me…I completely loved them and am thrilled that they’re thriving. But it makes me wonder…

Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? Did I let them know how much they mean to me? Was I a terrible teacher?

More lies.

Tobin and I have been through one of our more difficult seasons of marriage recently. The details don’t belong here, we’re working through things, and we really are ok even if there are tough days. But there are also those times when I look around the house and see a total disaster…a sink full of dirty dishes, clothes thrown around the bedroom, a nursery floor covered with books and toys or we exchange less-than-kind words…and I start believing that I am bad at this wife thing.

You know, the lies are really starting to get to me.

It’s been a silent week. The kind where friends are busy and plans don’t happen like I thought they might. My phone has been pretty quiet and my social interaction pretty limited. For an extrovert who thrives on being busy and social, this is possibly the worst kind of week. And even though I know it’s not me, I start to believe that my friends don’t want me.

I’m ready to squash satan’s lies.

Really.

The fact is that I know, as a mommy, I have my days. We all do. But I also have DAYS…the ones when Maelie and I have the best time ever together and we laugh all day long and have adventures and soak up every moment of this precious, mother-daughter bond. We make memories that will be etched in my mind forever and, hopefully soon, in hers.

That’s truth.

It’s also fact that, though Indonesia wasn’t perfect, it was still time that wasn’t wasted. While we don’t know the kind of impact we had, we know that we were impacted and left there feeling completely blessed for having the chance to be part of what God is doing there. We got to love some pretty amazing students and grow with some incredible friends.

More truth.

I believe with everything in me that satan will try everything to destroy a marriage. Tobin and I aren’t perfect and we’re fully aware of that, but we love each other, and we love our Father. We’re both guilty of letting things like a dirty kitchen and selfish moments take over our days…but at the end of those days, we love each other and we’re committed.

Complete truth.

And while I’ve had a lonely week, sometimes I forget that being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One thing I don’t do well is be still…and maybe that’s a lesson He’s trying to teach me. To take those times I feel alone and let Him fill that void. My first instinct, rather than to grab my Bible, is to grab my cell phone. He always meets me exactly where I am, with exactly what I need for the day.

He is Truth.

I guess I share all of this to ask you to pray for me. Please pray…

…that I’ll be able to throw regret out the window and live fully in the present.

…that I’ll choose to ignore satan’s lies and walk in Truth.

…that I’ll strive to live a life that pleases Him every single day. 

He’s Good…and His Truth is just that.

True.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, friends, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, marriage, prayer, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

His Pain

April 6, 2012 by · 1 Comment

There are so many times in life when I get wrapped up in

my pain.

An unexpected migraine hits. Knee issues flare up making running difficult. I slam my finger in the porch door on the way inside. (True.)

All of those things consume me when they hurt.

Relationships struggle, crack, or break. Pressure to fix things outside my capability causes stress. Life, in general, fractures.

More pain.

I let it consume me often…wrapping myself up in heartache. I suppose that’s because I’m human and we all do that from time to time. But rarely, when I’m in that place, do I stop to consider

his pain.

Oh, what he must have felt as the weight of the world fell on him…and he wrapped himself in the pain of billions and billions. How much it must have hurt to know that so much of what he went through would never be acknowledged by so many people.

It makes me hurt to think about it.

I still don’t understand why he did it. I know he loved and that’s why, but sometimes I shake my head as I feel unworthy and so, so LOVED all at the same time.

For someone to endure all of that for me…

May I never, ever forget his pain.

Because that pain is what healed mine.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, what I'm learning, where I am
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