A Heart Spill

April 17, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I just started a pot of coffee. (It’s 9:15 p.m.)

It could potentially be a long chat tonight. (And if it’s not, hey…hubby will have iced coffee in the morning. ;))

So for the last few days…I’ve kinda fluffed my way around the blog. I didn’t really write junk…I just wrote things that didn’t make me think too hard. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

But putting those thoughts into words on a blog is much more difficult than the actual thinking. (I write some pretty great bestsellers in my head!)

I’m not sure how to process this…so I may just let my thoughts spill and see where they go. I apologize, in advance, if you hopped over here for Mel’s witty take on life. Maybe tomorrow. :)

By the way, you may have noticed that the blog is different? Yeah. I’m in the middle of updating some things and figured…if I can’t change the past, at least I can change my blog!

So I really hate those nights when I KNOW I need to share something. (Or a million somethings.)

It has been a really discouraging week. I can’t count the number of times that uninvited tears have overflowed and made my eyeliner run all over the place. Or how often I’ve felt so exhausted and drained that doing anything has felt impossible. Or how often, out of sheer exhaustion and impatience, I’ve raised my voice at Mae.

On Saturday (following several days of this), Tobin and I knew we needed to get out of the house, and the three of us went to Menards. Mae did fine for the first part of the trip and started to get fussy toward the end. While we were waiting in line to check out, I gave her a tiny sip of my coffee to calm her down. (Judge me now. Enough people in line were doing it.) I could feel their eyes burning at me, and to make matters worse…that one sip only made her want more. She started screaming, Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! After a few seconds, when it became apparent that this wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, I picked her up, took her outside, and carried her across the entire parking lot to our van while she continued her rant.

I could feel people staring at me, and it only reiterated the thought that I’m a bad mommy.

Lie.

Add to it the fact that for some reason, Indonesia keeps coming back to me…and not in good ways.

Here’s the thing. We loved it there. (Most of the time.) But we also struggled, and it was no secret to anyone that we were ready for what was next. I don’t believe we left on bad terms, though I do know that God definitely had something else for us and that He moved us on at the right time.

Lately I’ve been seeing pictures on facebook and hearing stories of how great my former students are doing…and I’m filled with questions and, often, regret. Don’t misunderstand me…I completely loved them and am thrilled that they’re thriving. But it makes me wonder…

Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? Did I let them know how much they mean to me? Was I a terrible teacher?

More lies.

Tobin and I have been through one of our more difficult seasons of marriage recently. The details don’t belong here, we’re working through things, and we really are ok even if there are tough days. But there are also those times when I look around the house and see a total disaster…a sink full of dirty dishes, clothes thrown around the bedroom, a nursery floor covered with books and toys or we exchange less-than-kind words…and I start believing that I am bad at this wife thing.

You know, the lies are really starting to get to me.

It’s been a silent week. The kind where friends are busy and plans don’t happen like I thought they might. My phone has been pretty quiet and my social interaction pretty limited. For an extrovert who thrives on being busy and social, this is possibly the worst kind of week. And even though I know it’s not me, I start to believe that my friends don’t want me.

I’m ready to squash satan’s lies.

Really.

The fact is that I know, as a mommy, I have my days. We all do. But I also have DAYS…the ones when Maelie and I have the best time ever together and we laugh all day long and have adventures and soak up every moment of this precious, mother-daughter bond. We make memories that will be etched in my mind forever and, hopefully soon, in hers.

That’s truth.

It’s also fact that, though Indonesia wasn’t perfect, it was still time that wasn’t wasted. While we don’t know the kind of impact we had, we know that we were impacted and left there feeling completely blessed for having the chance to be part of what God is doing there. We got to love some pretty amazing students and grow with some incredible friends.

More truth.

I believe with everything in me that satan will try everything to destroy a marriage. Tobin and I aren’t perfect and we’re fully aware of that, but we love each other, and we love our Father. We’re both guilty of letting things like a dirty kitchen and selfish moments take over our days…but at the end of those days, we love each other and we’re committed.

Complete truth.

And while I’ve had a lonely week, sometimes I forget that being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One thing I don’t do well is be still…and maybe that’s a lesson He’s trying to teach me. To take those times I feel alone and let Him fill that void. My first instinct, rather than to grab my Bible, is to grab my cell phone. He always meets me exactly where I am, with exactly what I need for the day.

He is Truth.

I guess I share all of this to ask you to pray for me. Please pray…

…that I’ll be able to throw regret out the window and live fully in the present.

…that I’ll choose to ignore satan’s lies and walk in Truth.

…that I’ll strive to live a life that pleases Him every single day. 

He’s Good…and His Truth is just that.

True.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, friends, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, marriage, prayer, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Thinking About Home

April 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment

I spent too much time today looking at photos like what you’ll find here.

Last night my hometown was devastated by a tornado, and seeing pictures of the damage is surreal. I’m sure it’s much worse in person.

I found out about the tornado the way everyone finds about things these days…by logging into facebook last night around 10 pm. Once I let my brain wrap around what had actually happened, I grabbed my phone and immediately tried to get ahold of someone, just to know that my family was ok. My mom didn’t answer, and so I called my brother…thankfully he answered and said everyone was fine even if the town wasn’t.

Even though rumors swirl, all official reports say that there was no loss of life…an amazing miracle. My best friends’ parents lost their garage and a car. There’s a lot of damage, but their house and, more importantly, everyone in it…are fine. Countless stories of how God’s hand of protection was clearly there have been shared over and over.

Houses are completely gone while others, just meters away, sit untouched. Cars are flipped over and totaled, lines are down, debris is everywhere, the hospital is a mess, other buildings near it are a total loss…by all accounts, there should have been fatalities.

But God is Good…and he spared people.

And for the few minutes when I had to wonder without knowing, I remember thinking…as long as they’re fine, nothing else matters. We can build new houses and buy new things, but home is

People.

And their hearts.

And while I may not call Creston, Iowa, my home anymore, there are people there who are part of my heart. The same with Ankeny, Nekoosa, Brooklyn Center, Bandung, and now, Carpentersville…each of these places have a piece of my heart and are a little of my home. (Or a lot. ;))

It makes my heart heavy to look at those pictures. If you would, please say a prayer for the people of Creston and other towns and cities who were hit badly by tornadoes over the weekend. There’s a lot of cleanup and rebuilding to do…but they’ll do it. And come out stronger in the end.

Feeling pretty blessed today.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, family, just life, remembering, where I am

Six Minute Saturday: Goodbye

April 14, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Once in awhile I link up here for Five Minute Friday.

I love her, I love her blog, I love how what she comes up with in five minutes stirs my heart for five days and inspires me to open up rather than to guard myself.

Unfortunately (or, not so much) yesterday was epic and needed to be blogged. 😉 (For those of you interested, there was another ponytail today. If possible, she was even cuter. ;))

So, today…in keeping with the necessary alliteration…I bring you “Six Minute Saturday”.

The rules are simple: Write for five (today, six) minutes on the given topic. No editing or changing anything. Just write from your heart.

Six Minute Saturday: Goodbye

Goodbye is a word I have said over and over, more than I ever thought possible, in the last decade.

It’s a word I know extremely well.

It brings with it tears…promises of keeping in touch, of visiting, of always being there for the other person despite the miles, possibly oceans, that will separate us.

It also brings heartache…the kind that comes from knowing that something has ended. Things will never be again as they were, and while there is always hope for a future, there is a grief that comes from an ending.

It brings with it anger…I. Don’t. Like. To. Say. Goodbye. Ever. In the changes and spins and circles of life, I want to continue packing my suitcase…allowing it to grow bigger with each goodbye. I want to take each person who is so loved with me to that next phase. But that’s just not how it works.

But the word “goodbye” also brings something else…something that gives hope for new beginnings and friendships and love. It’s called

Hello.

That one little word that can make a new beginning really, really beautiful.

So I’ll say goodbye for a chance at hello.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, just life, remembering, uncategorized, where I am

Aimless

April 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

If there were ever a day I didn’t want to blog, I think today might be that day.

I think that means that maybe I will blog every day until I die?! (Just so you know, I did not commit to anything here…)

Just sayin’. :)

Blogging feels like that part of my day that’s necessary, the part that’s good for me. Right now, I need it. Maybe a day will come when I don’t, and as strange as that sounds…I need routine and familiar and all that is what my life is. For now.

I hate dark days. I hate them when I’m on the verge of tears, and the more I try to distract myself, the more those tears come.

It wasn’t a bad day. It really wasn’t…I was determined to find some sunshine in it. The problem is that it was so dang cold, even though the sky was blue and the actual sun was shining.

It should have been a day to go to the park and get lost in the swings and the slides and the little animals that she can’t quite balance herself on. Yet. To walk through the neighborhood singing songs like we always do. To sit in the backyard playing with the dogs and the sandless sandbox and the slide and maybe do a little guitar strumming and tune-belting.

But at a whopping 41 degrees, it was NOT a day for any of those JOY-producing things.

Instead, we went to Target to get coffee because I used up the last of it this morning. I figured it would be a good diversion and get us out of the house for an hour. We’d barely walked through the door when we saw a friend from church. We chatted with him for a bit, he shared his coffee with Mae 😉 and then we were on our way.

To do what, I don’t know.

I walked that store for what seemed like forever. I had a list of a few things I needed, but I mostly just wandered aimlessly. It was the most frustrating, confusing trip to the land of familiar that I’ve ever had in my life.

It felt like I was there for a purpose, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

And then I thought about it…how this journey of mommyhood has been just that. And I mean the whole shebang…from adoption to no-adoption to heartache to JOY to finding a way to grieve and be full of that JOY at the same time.

It truly feels like aimless wandering sometimes.

And as I was strolling and pretending like I knew what I needed, I looked down at my girl who was, for once, patiently sitting in the cart. She stared at me, almost as if she were searching my eyes for answers.

I had none. Instead, my eyes filled with tears, and as she stared at me, hers started to fill, too.

I think through those tears, God gave me an answer.

Maybe that there isn’t one.

Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and we grieve and we hurt. And then we go to bed and wake up…and we have a new day with new mercies and new blessings and new chances at JOY and sunshine and a little less hurt.

We took time to remember her a little today. Ice cream and some smiles and some wondering, but not too much.

Because we don’t truly need answers when we know Who holds us.

Looking forward to the bright hope that is tomorrow.

He is Good.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, just life, Maelie, remembering, Tobin, where I am

Oh, Monday Night…

April 9, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I don’t know why this blog-late-on-Monday-night thing is continuing, but it is.

Oh, well.

Here I sit at the computer, eating toast and trying to think of coherent thoughts to share with you all.

Current time? 10:14 p.m.

And, by the way, toast is my comfort food. Really. I like it best with honey butter, but since we didn’t have any, I’m having cinnamon toast, which is almost as good. 😉

I thought you should know that.

You know…so if I’m ever having a bad day you can bring me toast or something. Haha. 😉

I’ve debated whether to go deep tonight or to just talk about toast.

Deep wins. At least, I think.

So, here we go.

And if you prefer less-deep thoughts, feel free to go on your merry way, knowing now that I love toast. See, it’s not a total loss. 😀

So, what’s funny about the way I’m writing this is that it would be exactly the same way if I were having a conversation with one of you. I’d make a joke or two and avoid the issue for awhile before bringing it up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be sad. And also because I’m debating whether to rant or to cry.

It’s just that no one talks about losing a baby.

It’s like that taboo topic…the one thing you just don’t touch. I have talked about it before…once or twice. In almost 450 blog posts. You get the idea.

And, even if I talk about it, what I don’t talk about is the confusing grief that comes along with it.

Like the fact that I sometimes feel guilty grieving a baby that, if here, would mean that Mae wouldn’t be.

Tomorrow is April 10th…it would have been Isabel’s due date. She’d be two. Tomorrow.

I refuse to cry for the entire day, but I’d be lying if I tell you that my heart’s not struggling a bit. Mostly because I want to remember her. It bothers me that there are no tangible reminders of her around our house. We have an ornament we bought for her, and that’s on the tree at Christmas.

But that’s it.

Everything in me wants to put a little angel on the wall next to all of Maelie’s photos. Or a little quote. Or something. Anything.

But it’s just not done, you know?

So sometime this week we’re going to plant some daisies. A little reminder.

And what you need to know…or, maybe I just need to tell you for my sake…is that I as I spend each day with Maelie, her presence fills our house with more laughter and love and JOY than I ever thought possible.

I never ONCE regretted Maelie…and I love her so much it makes my heart feel like it’s gonna explode. :)

But I still think of Isabel often, and I still tear up sometimes. And wonder.

And that’s why it’s so confusing.

We’re not meant to understand everything, and I guess this is just one of those things. I know I’m certainly not the only person who’s ever gone through this before…and all I can do is trust in His bigger plan.

And love.

Love the amazing little girl I get to wrap my arms around every day. Love her and cherish each moment we’re given.

And be thankful that I get to love another little girl, too…one that I’ll hold someday.

:)

Thanks for listening, friends. I’m glad you’re here.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, remembering, where I am

When I Remember

April 7, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I know I’ve posted a lot of music lately.

It’s not that I don’t want to share anything deep…but sometimes music speaks louder than any words of mine ever could.

I’ve been thinking through the words to this song and how true it is.

I can’t help but worship Him.

Wishing you a blessed Easter as we celebrate the glorious resurrection of our Savior!

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, music, remembering, where I am

Reflection

April 5, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Today in Bible study we were talking about forgiveness…and this song popped into my head. (And stayed all day because that’s what tends to happen.)

It’s a good one to reflect on as we head into Good Friday tomorrow.

Sig

Filed Under: music, remembering

Complete

April 3, 2012 by · 7 Comments

So I posted a song yesterday.

Before I read my devotions for today.

You’ll never guess what it was about. :)

So, I’m gonna talk about that for awhile…I know you don’t mind. :)

A huge part of my personality is the fact that I am very social. I need to be around people often, otherwise I go stir-crazy. (And often get pretty crabby.) It’s just the way I’m wired…I get my energy from being around friends and my hubby and (of course!) my wonderfully social and amazingly talkative daughter.

One thing I’ve noticed is that because I get so much energy (and JOY) from people around me, it’s very easy to find my worth in them. What they think of me is important, often more than it should be…

And as a result, sometimes I look to them to feel complete.

That can be a tall order for a human to fill.

I often think of the day I married Tobin…August 3, 2002. I still remember so many details of it, from the donut I had for breakfast to my awesome hair. (Is it bad that my hair was probably my favorite part of the day?!) And from being sneaky and putting my garter on AFTER the ceremony so I wouldn’t have to wear it to completely losing it when we were dismissing guests and I said goodbye to my adopted parents from college. (I had to sneak into the bathroom to redo my makeup! ;))

Good or bad, those memories make up the day when I was sure that I had everything I would ever need now that I had married Tobin.

Without realizing it, I’d called up a pretty tall order for him.

How does a human possibly have it in them to complete another?

They don’t.

Over the years, Tobin and I have had a lot of mountains and valleys. When you throw four houses, three cities, two countries, and one baby into almost ten years of marriage…it’s to be expected.

I’d often find myself feeling empty whenever we were struggling. This person…the one I had expected to be everything that I didn’t have in me…wasn’t following through.

Wasn’t being what I needed to feel complete.

And yet, I know that I can’t look to people to be what completes me. We all know that.

But knowing it and believing it are two different things.

This is some of what I read this morning…

“…In Me you have everything.”

“…Since I am infinite and abundantly accessible to you, desiring Me above all else is the best way to live.”

“…It is impossible for you to have a need that I cannot meet.”

Firm…but gentle…reminders of

All that He is.

And all that I’m not.

And all that my friends and family cannot be.

Because He wants to be IT…what completes me.

Just where my heart is today.

Thanks for reading. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, marriage, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Morocco Love

April 1, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Ok, thanks for being so patient!

Here are the long-awaited photos from our quick jaunt to Tangier, Morocco.

:) 

Our transportation from Spain to Morocco, across the Strait of Gibraltar. (aka: the ferry that made me sick. ;))

Me on the ferry…smiling and determined to not lose my breakfast. It was kind of a bummer that the ferry was pretty sweet…it had a bar and cafe and tables so we could play games…had I been able to actually sit up. 😉 However, I can’t complain too much. The Dramamine worked and I got to enjoy Morocco.

Us at the northwestern most point in Africa. Interesting travel fact about us…we’ve now been to the northwesternmost and southernmost points in Africa, but nowhere in between. I’m thinkin’ another trip to Africa should be in our future. :)

Baby camel love. I wanted to bring him (or her!) home with me. So soft and cuddly. :)

The obligatory camel ride…that was pretty cool. Something to cross off the bucket list that I haven’t yet written. 😉

Just a cool shot from the coast.

And another…cause I couldn’t decide between them. :)

This was, I think, taken at a different place along the tour. The water was so incredibly beautiful. (But COLD!)

Since living in Indo, I am largely unimpressed by snake shows/charmers. And, to be honest, cobras bring back memories I don’t want to revisit. However, this stop provided a cool opportunity to share with our tour guide that we’d been missionaries, and he was especially intrigued with my snake stories…never thought those would come in handy! 😉

And…we begin the obsession with doors. :) Morocco had cool doors. This one is famous, but I can’t remember for what. But if you Google “green door Tangier”, I’m pretty sure you’ll find out why. 😉

I’m such a dork…no idea why I was laughing. But the door is cool. :)

I like this one. The door AND me. :)

Included in our tour was an authentic Moroccan meal. The soup was ok and the bread was good. The meat was just ok. The couscous was really soggy. But this? I suppose when you cover any pastry with gooey, sugary, caramely yumminess, you’re bound to come up with a winner. Dessert was GOOD. And definitely worthy of making the blog. 😉

So, Morocco was good…the tiny part we saw of it. Truthfully, I can’t wait to go back and explore more of it…the part that doesn’t include pushy sellers and snake charmers. I knew that once I got a taste of it, I’d want to explore more of it…so we’ll see. Maybe for our 15th, honey? 😉

I honestly feel so blessed that we’ve had the opportunities to travel that we have. The world is so incredibly beautiful…and we highly recommend seeing it! (Well, the parts we’ve seen, at least! ;))

Thanks for looking, friends.

Coming soon: Pareeeee…and a few more from Spain.

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, culture shock, just life, marriage, remembering, Tobin, uncategorized

Found

March 18, 2012 by · 6 Comments

I had kind of an aha! moment the other day.

Well, at least it was aha! for me…and maybe you can relate. Or maybe not. Either way, I’ll share. :)

So, a little background…

When I signed up for facebook several years ago, I was pretty tight with my security settings. And over the years, my hubby has made sure that I keep them updated.

That’s because I don’t want people knowing everything about me.

In fact, if you go and try to find me on Facebook, chances are you won’t just by typing in my name. (Unless we’re already friends.)

That’s because  I don’t want to be found.

I thought about that the other day as I searched for a friend on facebook and couldn’t find her.

I often put up walls. I have for years. In my mind, I think that if there are walls and people can’t get in, then I’m safe. This has worked well in the Facebook world, for the most part. In real life,  I have really tried to let them down and have succeeded, for the most part. I want those relationships…those friendships.

But what about in my relationship with my Father?

Over the past few days, I’ve stopped to consider those walls that I’ve unintentionally (or, sometimes intentionally) built to keep Him out, to keep His Word from penetrating my heart.

I attended a Baptist Bible college for five years.

A small glimpse of what that entailed: more Bible classes than non-Bible classes, intense study of the ten main doctrines, hundreds of memorized verses, chapel every day, many papers, hours upon hours of Bible reading, sometimes weekly.

To be blunt, all-things-Bible were crammed down my throat.

And that led up to me building some serious walls around my heart.

The Bible became my textbook…and therefore, was anything but what I wanted when I actually had some down time.

That makes me really sad.

And I noticed a pattern, as I left the Bible college world and went out on my own.

It became easy to gloss over verses, never really taking them to heart. It was even easier to scan a chapter to “say” I’d read my Bible for the day. It was easier than ever to have an emotional moment with a few verses and then move on, forgetting what made me think, going on with my day.

That’s been my problem for the last ten-or-so years…

I’ve put up walls, never letting my Father in.

And in some ways, by putting up those walls, I ran from Him, never wanting Him to find me. To assure me of His love and compassion and grace and sovereignty and power…and, really, the list could go on.

I feel weak admitting these things…knowing in my heart that it’s been a much bigger battle than I’ve ever let on.

But I also know something…that He is bigger than those walls. And despite the fact that I ran, He always held me…keeping me in His care even when I didn’t always want to be there.

I confessed this to you…but I also want to be honest and say that in our searching over the past, almost-two years…God has changed me. I can’t explain it all in a day…I can just tell you that He’s more real than He’s ever been. He’s teaching me about Love and truly living for Him.

And in His power, I’m trying to do those things.

I don’t have it all figured out…but today I know I’m found by Him.

The truth is, He never really lost me.

And that’s pretty amazing.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, church, encouragement, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am
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