I had kind of an aha! moment the other day.

Well, at least it was aha! for me…and maybe you can relate. Or maybe not. Either way, I’ll share. :)

So, a little background…

When I signed up for facebook several years ago, I was pretty tight with my security settings. And over the years, my hubby has made sure that I keep them updated.

That’s because I don’t want people knowing everything about me.

In fact, if you go and try to find me on Facebook, chances are you won’t just by typing in my name. (Unless we’re already friends.)

That’s because  I don’t want to be found.

I thought about that the other day as I searched for a friend on facebook and couldn’t find her.

I often put up walls. I have for years. In my mind, I think that if there are walls and people can’t get in, then I’m safe. This has worked well in the Facebook world, for the most part. In real life,  I have really tried to let them down and have succeeded, for the most part. I want those relationships…those friendships.

But what about in my relationship with my Father?

Over the past few days, I’ve stopped to consider those walls that I’ve unintentionally (or, sometimes intentionally) built to keep Him out, to keep His Word from penetrating my heart.

I attended a Baptist Bible college for five years.

A small glimpse of what that entailed: more Bible classes than non-Bible classes, intense study of the ten main doctrines, hundreds of memorized verses, chapel every day, many papers, hours upon hours of Bible reading, sometimes weekly.

To be blunt, all-things-Bible were crammed down my throat.

And that led up to me building some serious walls around my heart.

The Bible became my textbook…and therefore, was anything but what I wanted when I actually had some down time.

That makes me really sad.

And I noticed a pattern, as I left the Bible college world and went out on my own.

It became easy to gloss over verses, never really taking them to heart. It was even easier to scan a chapter to “say” I’d read my Bible for the day. It was easier than ever to have an emotional moment with a few verses and then move on, forgetting what made me think, going on with my day.

That’s been my problem for the last ten-or-so years…

I’ve put up walls, never letting my Father in.

And in some ways, by putting up those walls, I ran from Him, never wanting Him to find me. To assure me of His love and compassion and grace and sovereignty and power…and, really, the list could go on.

I feel weak admitting these things…knowing in my heart that it’s been a much bigger battle than I’ve ever let on.

But I also know something…that He is bigger than those walls. And despite the fact that I ran, He always held me…keeping me in His care even when I didn’t always want to be there.

I confessed this to you…but I also want to be honest and say that in our searching over the past, almost-two years…God has changed me. I can’t explain it all in a day…I can just tell you that He’s more real than He’s ever been. He’s teaching me about Love and truly living for Him.

And in His power, I’m trying to do those things.

I don’t have it all figured out…but today I know I’m found by Him.

The truth is, He never really lost me.

And that’s pretty amazing.



  1. Thank you for sharing your heart struggle here. Although we don’t share the same background, I know all about running and hiding and building walls. I, too, have secure facebook settings.

    The other day on The Voice one of the contestants was rehearsing with Lionel Richie and Christina Aguilera. This particular contestant had professional training and had done some Broadway. He can sing, but Lionel says this, “It’s hard when you have alot of professional training! You can sing so perfectly and yet it keeps you from really getting to the heart of the music.” Immediately I thought of our spiritual life and some of the highly educated Christian’s I’ve known.

    God just wants us, as little children, to come to Him in faith. It’s so simple. I’m certain that man has complicated the heck out of it.

    • Speaking of facebook, I have a page there called ‘Spunky Soul’, would LOVE it if you headed over and ‘liked’ my page! I was just posting a status asking those who follow Spunky Soul to share with their friends and it made me think of you. The profile picture is of inside a rusty green van (I think) with a crystal chandelier.

      • Thanks for sharing. :) And I often appreciate the fact that we come from different backgrounds because I can learn from your insights. We have the bond that’s important. :) So, keep sharing your heart and I’ll keep reading your thoughts because they’re pretty great! (And I’ll try to comment again…I tried to twice last week something wasn’t working right.)

        Glad we’re facebook friends now, too! :) Hope you’re doing well.

  2. You are not the only one who has had those feelings! I actually felt the same way when I was at Faith and for a while afterwards. Praise the Lord he keeps working on our hearts to make us see these things we need to work on in our lives! By the way, I look forward to reading your posts everyday! I miss you friend! :)

    • Thanks so much for sharing that…sometimes I feel like I’m the only one. Good to know I’m not! :) I miss you, too! I can’t believe how much life has changed and how quickly time has passed. I want to give you a hug! Looks like I *might* be able to in April, though! :)

  3. I know! I am super excited! I can’t wait to see everyone. We really need to do reunions more often! I can’t wait to hug you and see your little one! Love you lots!

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