The whole concept of grace has co me

up often in my life lately.

First, I was convicted several times about showing grace to others, especially to those I don’t often agree with.

Then, I read two really well-written, thought-provoking posts about it within days of each other. They both echoed so well the thoughts that had been swirling around in my mind.

I spent a few days processing the whole topic and decided maybe today was a good day for it. And honestly, my thoughts only begin to scratch the surface of what’s going on in my heart…but they’re a start.

Several years ago I sang a song, Grace, with another girl at church. The song itself isn’t really my style, but at the same time,

the words and message of it are so good.

So. Good.

Grace

Lord, as I seek Your guidance for the day,
I find my thoughts unyielding, confusion clouds my way.
But then when I bow to You, the challenges You guide me through,
Your promises are ever new, I claim them for today.

Your will can not lead me where Your grace will

not keep me,
Your hand will protect me, I rest in Your care.
Your eyes will watch over me, Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering, I still will find You there.

Each new day’s design is charted by Your hand
And graciously revealed as I seek Your Master plan.
Keep my steps faithful when from you I go,
Return me to the joy that Your blessings can bestow.

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me,
Your hand will protect me, I rest in Your care.
Your eyes will watch over me, Your love will forgive me,
And when I am faltering I still will find You there.

Wow.

So, if this is Grace…the Grace that has been so freely, amazingly, lavished on me…what kind of Grace I am I showing to others

?

I often discuss and complain about the lack of grace I felt growing up in a fundamental Baptist church and while attending a conservative Baptist college.

Life was a series of rules and expectations…and there was not room to mess up, to question…really, to even wonder.

That life threw me for a loop and made me want to do a 180.

I don’t think I ever really flipped completely, but I definitely looked for ways to feed my “rebellious” streak without actually hurting anyone.

I pierced my belly button because I could. I went to movies because I could. I listened to whatever music I wanted because I could.

And I laugh when I look back because none of those things were wrong…they just went against what I had been told was acceptable. However, the attitude of my heart was wrong. And I never really desired to do “bad” things…I just desired to be me.

Because God’s Grace gives me the freedom to be who He has created me to be.

It gives each of us that freedom.

Over time, Tobin and I have come to where we stand on things. These choices and decisions would disappoint some people, but we came to the conclusion that we’re done trying to please others. That is not, nor has it ever been, the purpose of a relationship with God.

And in that choosing, I think I let my mind become intolerant of those with whom I strongly disagreed, specifically those who are more conservative. It isn’t like I found pleasure in ridiculing or making fun of them.

Honestly, I just thought they were crazy for not being able to see.

And a few weeks ago I was smacked upside the head with just how wrong and sinful that mindset is.

It has long frustrated me that I have felt so judged in the past for choices that I have made, never fully comprehending that I’ve been subconsciously…or not…judging others in the same way.

Sometimes I wonder…what the world would look like with a lot less judgment and a lot more grace.

Or a lot less hatred and a lot more love. Or a lot less me and a lot more Him.

He guides me; He keeps me; He gives new promises each day. He watches over me; He forgives me; when I mess up, He’s still there. He gives joy. He blesses.

All of these, and so much more, are Grace.

He bestows it to me each and every day.

The least I can do is show this Grace in return.

Father, thank you for Grace, the Grace that you show me each and every day.

Change that in me…make my life a reflection of You, of all You’ve given, of Your perfect Love.

I’ve been processing a lot the past few days.

And writing things that lacked depth.

But I think I’m ready to write again.

Maybe.

But just a warning…my heart is pretty raw right now.

And if you can’t handle the intensity or honesty, it’s ok to leave…I completely understand.

I had no idea when I decided to blog for a year that so many emotions about things from the past would emerge.

I thought

I was done transitioning.

I thought I had adapted to life back in the U.S.

I thought I was home.

I was wrong.

I don’t say that to make you sad, so hang in there with me.

We all dream dreams and make plans and hope with everything in us that life will turn out just as we’ve imagined. Or better.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t dream about traveling the world…or about leaving my heart in so many places.

I was a small-town Iowa girl, and my world was no bigger than my own backyard (or the occasional trip to Des Moines). I had no idea what the world was like…or how it would change my life.

I had no idea that I would run around barefoot with dozens of kids in a field right along the Amazon River kicking a soccer ball…and sob like a baby when I had to say goodbye to them.

I had no idea that the pleading eyes of orphans in Managua would tear my heart in two…and make me question if I had done the right thing with my life. I didn’t have a clue that the precious people in the island nation of Indonesia would steal my heart and make me love in a way I never thought possible…or that my heart would physically ache when it was time to go. I didn’t know that moving to a new place like the hoppin’ town of Carpentersville 😉 would change so many things about who I am and what I believe…or that I would want to stay here and make this home forever.

And those are all blessings.

Even though it hurts. And boy, does it hurt…to look back at pictures and long for things that were just moments in my life, moments I will never have again.

To see pictures of students I loved so much and know that, until Heaven, pictures and memories will be all we have.

To stare into the big, brown eyes of a little girl who wants a home more than anything and know that I can’t give it to her, even if that’s what I want more than anything.

In many ways, I am like that girl. My heart is scattered…and it longs for a home.

Home is a word I can’t define, one that I stopped trying to explain to myself long ago. Because for me, every time I had a “home”, it was taken from me in one sense or another.

I always saw that as something negative.

Until yesterday.

And I can’t say that I have fully processed this…this is just where I am today. After spending a lot of time talking to God and, at times, fighting with Him, I feel like there’s some peace…not a lot, but some. He’s not asking me to let go…just to open my hands.

And I can handle that…trusting that He’ll give in His time. He knows what I desire…I think I’ve told Him that enough. 😉

And when it comes down to it, though my heart is in many pieces and the dreams I have aren’t looking the way I thought they might, I still feel blessed.

Because each piece of my heart that was scattered led to something else I learned to love.

And that, my friends, is the blessing of a scattered heart.

A sweet friend shared this song with me yesterday. I’ve listened to it several times since, and it makes me cry every

time. But good tears.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears

e?