I’m not even sure I know how to write about this.
It took
me over a week just to put the feeling into words.
But I’ll try.
One of the hardest things my husband and I have gone through in our married life was in 2009 when our plan to adopt fell through. I blogged a little about it here and here.
At that time, I almost completely lost the ability to write…hence the reason there are really only two posts about the subject.
However, one thing I found solace in was music…it was like an escape for my soul. Whether drowning out the world with my iPod and headphones or belting out a tune while strumming my guitar, it helped me survive when life felt like it would never be ok again. And one Friday afternoon in my classroom, the words to a song just came to me. The chorus? Came in like ten seconds.
The verses took about an hour. The bridge…I’ m still waiting on.
Sometimes in the mornings, Maelie will play on the floor and I’ll pull out my guitar and sing to her. Last Friday, in an attempt to get her to spend more time on her tummy, I decided it was a good day for some music. I strummed through a few familiar songs and then played the one I wrote two years ago…a song I really hadn’t touched since then. I’m used to her cooing or bopping to the music, but when I started singing that one, she stopped and stared at me intently, almost as if she understood what I was singing about.
And then I realized, Now I get it, too.
It was a moment that brought tears…but so many reasons to smile, too.
I am so very thankful for my daughter…not just for her but for what I’ve learned through her. That my Father is so amazingly Good. That there is healing after loss.
That it is possible to love even through sadness.
I am just so filled with overwhelming gratitude to God for my sweet girl.
Maelie Naomi, I love you so much.
Thank you, Father, for broken dreams that turn into something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for seeing when I couldn’t.
There I Am
It wasn’t what she’d dreamed,
She’d always had a plan.
It wasn’t what she wanted,
And she didn’t understand.
For a way to make it through.
In the sleepless nights she heard His voice,
“I will carry you…
Chorus
I was there, and I still Am.
I am right beside you holding your hand.
Though you can’t see,
Trust that I can.
There I Am.”
Disclaimer: So I did attempt to record this (it’s only part of the song), but my computer’s not the greatest for this kind of thing.
And I don’t really write songs. And I desperately needed to change one of my guitar strings.
And… I was really freaked out about posting myself singing on this blog.
So a little mercy, please. 
And…ok, just listen to it.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Beautiful. Love this, Mel! God is SO good. Thanks for encouraging others by sharing your journey. Though often not quite what we would choose, His plan is perfect. And the best thing is that His compassion is great, His mercies are abundant–new every morning, and He is right there with us to carry us in the darkest parts of the journey. Jeremiah 29:11
Thanks for writing this. It is beautiful. Amazing how God’s plans turn out even when we don’t understand it at all. I love seeing you with your little girl! And I loved hearing your voice.
Thank you for posting this, Mel. That is an absolutely wonderful song.
Melinda,
Angie just showed your blog and plyed your song for me. It was excellent!!! I really enjoyed it! I hope you keep on playing, singing and writing! Thank you for putting it out there!
What an encouragement your song was for me today.
It’s so cool to see how He’s worked in your lives.
Thanks for sharing that.
I’ve had such fun reading your blog…what a great Christmas gift! It’s been great catching up with your life, thoughts, transitions…getting to know you more too
This post is fabulous. His plan is perfect and it’s a blessing when He allows us to see it in this lifetime and with such a precious gift as your daughter!!!
For my is a perfect plan THANK U for share this precious gift as your daughter!!!
Best regards