A Powerful Mommy Moment

I’m not even sure I know how to write about this.

It took

me over a week just to put the feeling into words.

But I’ll try.

One of the hardest things my husband and I have gone through in our married life was in 2009 when our plan to adopt fell through. I blogged a little about it here and here.

At that time, I almost completely lost the ability to write…hence the reason there are really only two posts about the subject.

However, one thing I found solace in was music…it was like an escape for my soul. Whether drowning out the world with my iPod and headphones or belting out a tune while strumming my guitar, it helped me survive when life felt like it would never be ok again. And one Friday afternoon in my classroom, the words to a song just came to me. The chorus? Came in like ten seconds.

The verses took about an hour. The bridge…I’ m still waiting on.

Sometimes in the mornings, Maelie will play on the floor and I’ll pull out my guitar and sing to her. Last Friday, in an attempt to get her to spend more time on her tummy, I decided it was a good day for some music. I strummed through a few familiar songs and then played the one I wrote two years ago…a song I really hadn’t touched since then. I’m used to her cooing or bopping to the music, but when I started singing that one, she stopped and stared at me intently, almost as if she understood what I was singing about.

And then I realized, Now I get it, too.

It was a moment that brought tears…but so many reasons to smile, too.

I am so very thankful for my daughter…not just for her but for what I’ve learned through her. That my Father is so amazingly Good. That there is healing after loss.

That it is possible to love even through sadness.

I am just so filled with overwhelming gratitude to God for my sweet girl.

Maelie Naomi, I love you so much.

Thank you, Father, for broken dreams that turn into something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for seeing when I couldn’t.

There I Am

It wasn’t what she’d dreamed,
She’d always had a plan.

It wasn’t what she wanted,
And she didn’t understand.
Every night she prayed
For a way to make it through.
In the sleepless nights she heard His voice,
“I will carry you…

Chorus

I was there, and I still Am.
I am right beside you holding your hand.

Though you can’t see,
Trust that I can.

500 cipro

No matter where you go,
There I Am.”

Disclaimer: So I did attempt to record this (it’s only part of the song), but my computer’s not the greatest for this kind of thing.

And I don’t really write songs. And I desperately needed to change one of my guitar strings.

And… I was really freaked out about posting myself singing on this blog.

So a little mercy, please. And…ok, just listen to it.

 

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