Taking a Break…and Being Honest

I’m going to give myself a break from The Journey tonight and go a different route.

I’ve been wanting to chat about something that’s come up recently, but I sometimes feel like a broken record.

I mean, how long can a person grieve over something?

It’s been a little over a year since I left Indonesia.

When I first left…I was sad.

I missed it, and I

missed my husband more. Those first weeks home were spent anticipating his return and the birth of our daughter…I’m not sure there was a lot of grief over Indonesia mixed in there.

Then Tobin came home…and life was focused on our little girl and getting ready to move to Illinois.

Yes, there was grief…over leaving Minnesota and friends…but not so much about the loss of Indonesia.

And then we moved…and there was a whole new kind of grief… grieving what was no more.

It’s been a year of figuring that out…but also a year of being so incredibly blessed by life as a family of THREE, by new friends, by a new community and church.

Our minds were so busy with those things that we didn’t really think much about Indonesia.

It wasn’t intentional… it just happened.

And somewhere in the last month…grief started to creep in.

There were days when I would try to push it out and ignore the pain, but it wouldn’ t go away.

I’d get on Facebook, see pictures of former students, and my heart would just ache. I’d hear about staff members and what was going on with them…and I longed to be a part it. I saw pictures of the senior banquet…students we love…and we’re not there.

I think I most accurately verbalized my feelings last week when I told Tobin, “When our students are in Indonesia, I feel like we always have the option of going back to see them again…so it’s ok if we don’t miss them too much. But now another class of incredible students is graduating…and scattering. I’m not sure we’ll ever see them again.”

That’s sad…and the reality of a transitory community.

I’ve let the tears drip this week…surprisingly, there have been a lot of them.

They come at random times but never stick around too long.

The ache is there, though…the dull, physical heartache that makes me long for the day when there will be no more goodbyes.

Just where I am today…sad.

But still thankful.

Because grief means it meant something…that it was worth loving and worth hurting over.

I don’ t long

to go back

to life in Indonesia. It was a season, a piece of our lives.

Life is here and now, and for awhile, I will take the time to grieve if those moments hit.

But I’m going to spend far more of my life looking forward and enjoying the blessings God has given me today.

I’m so, so thankful.