It’s been a long time…in fact, the longest time I’ve gone without writing since I started the blog.
And probably at least twelve times in the last week…Twelve. That’s a lot. I’ve sat down and tried to write something. Anything.
You know, words.
Let’s be honest, I don’t always have something incredibly profound to share, but I usually have Words. Stories. A piece of the journey that has taught me something.
In all of the up and down that has been life during the last month, the one thing I never thought would disappear is the ability to write. And yet, for all of the writer’s block I had before, it’s a hundred times worse lately.
I hate that.
But I seem to always write better with coffee, so we’ll try. It’s always worth a try.
And? Well, no matter the season of life, coffee is one of those welcome constants…I always like coffee. 
So, a few random things about life…lately…ish.
This girl…she is headed to PK4. And though she’s been four for Two. Whole. Months, I still can’t wrap my mind completely around the fact that she’ll be in school three mornings a week. Which means, pretty much, that I’m going to cry, and she’ll tell me to stop. 😉
Here we are, bad lighting and all, before her Hello/Goodbye Day at school yesterday.
She is cute. And I need more sleep. 😉
I started running again. I took a necessary (but too long) hiatus, and can I just confess that even running three miles now feels a bit like torture? And not just physical, either. Honestly, I spent so many miles on the familiar, close-to-our-house, bike path…while I was pregnant. And during those miles, I talked to God, I praised Him, I sang along with my playlist, and I dreamed dreams for our new little one.
And so going out on that bike path now is just raw pain. I’m choosing to face the pain because I need to…I need to go there and move past it. Because there are certain realities…like the fact that our house is less than 100 yards from the path. Even if I never go back to the path, it’s still going to be there.
It’s my next step forward.
And people still ask…how are you?
And if I’m in a blunt mood, I’ll probably tell you how much I dislike that question before I say anything else because, the truth is, I don’t know how to answer it.
I always feel like people want to hear, I’m great! Or, even just good.
The truth? Is that I ache and cry far more than I want to. I’ve gone exactly one day without crying in a month. One. I don’t even remember what day that was…I just remember that it happened. And thought it sounds a bit crazy…that one day out of 31 gives me Hope.
I need Hope. Lots of it.
And maybe, right now, that Hope comes in different ways. Small ways. Through coffee with friends and heart chats, through park adventures with my girl and a late-night Google hangout with a sister.
God gave me a word last spring as we flew over oceans and crossed cultures, and even in a moment of uncertainty and even fear, I knew that He was telling me that my purpose was to share my Journey.
I had no idea that this…loss…was supposed to be part of that journey. I didn’t want it to be.
But I think I forget sometimes that the journey twists and turns. We can’t always see what’s next.
And there are other times when the journey seems to stop. It doesn’t, really…but He does ask us to wait. Trust. Breathe…knowing that He has us where we’re supposed to be.
And that’s where life is right now.
There are blessings…and I’ve tried to be intentional about seeing them. Counting them. Giving thanks for each time a smile comes.
And there are hard moments, too…and rather than throwing them away, I try to remember His promises. We know JOY comes in the morning.
And so we wait for it.
And we find reasons to smile along the way, too.
Photo Credit: Motiqua
I’m praying for you, Mel. You will find hope in new ways. It is all around you. Be confident in the waiting, friend. I know it is hard, but God is in this. He WILL show you His glory.
Your little girly is so adorable. Be blessed, sweet friend!
Blessings back to you, sweet friend…thank you. I started reading your book last week…it took me a long time to be able to open it, and I’m taking it slowly, but I want you to know how much it means that you trusted us with your story. It’s beautiful…and it’s bringing Hope. Love to you.
(And will I see you at Allume? I hope so!)
The lesson for me in my silence is that there isn’t always a ‘pat answer’ or a ‘lesson to be learned’ but sometimes just the ‘raw and real’. The truth is that God does meet us there, holds us, and loves us. The ability to write, I’m sure, is still there it is just covered and planted in the ground right now. Who knows what shall spring up when tears water the ground of a naked tiny seed, hope? I don’t get to pick the path, but I do get to choose who to follow and how to live. Praying for you today, friend.
Those prayers mean so much, my friend. Thank you. Deep down I know He’s doing something big…it’s just so hard to not be able to see anything. I want to trust, so I’m choosing that. Thank you for being here and for leaving such sweet encouragement. Blessings and hugs.
Oh Mel if you were here I would give you the biggest hug. As l was reading your article I could so relate to your pain. This past month an 19 month relationship ended suddenly without warning. I know our situations are different but the grieving processes are the same very difficult. In terms of your writers block I think you found it today by sharing your heart with all of us. Thank you for being so real and open. Your right it’s difficult to move through the sadness, loss and pain but your trying that’s what counts. My hope and faith is that God is going to show you exactly what he has in store for you next there is always a greater plan. Keep the faith my friend your such a beautiful person inside and out. May you feel God’s peace in some small way today. Hugs.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend…and sorry that you are hurting so much. Sending you a hug right back and asking that God will bring peace to both of our hearts. I know He’s good…claiming that for both of us. (((hugs))) Thank you for being here.
You are always in my thoughts. Not a day, not a single day goes by that I don’t think about my little guy. I was asked for the first time yesterday since our loss, “If William was our only one?” I never knew how much that simple little question would sting. It almost took the breath right out of me. Although I didn’t answer how I wanted to by saying, “No, I have an angel in heaven,” I know one day I will have the strength to mention him. I pray for you and please, never give up HOPE. Thinking of you always
I miss you, friend…I’m so thankful for you and your prayers. Thank you for the reminder to never give up Hope…some days it’s hard. I’m praying, too…for God to comfort your aching heart and for peace as you grieve and miss your sweet one. Sending big hugs!
Love you!
Love you, friend.
oh friend, like i’ve said before, i’m not in your shoes, haven’t experienced pregnancy, but relate to the waiting & the deep ache for it to happen… each & every month being disappointed & sad, fighting tears & choosing to place my hope in Jesus that His timing IS perfect. wish i could hug you & do hope i get to in october at allume??
in the meantime, sending big hugs to you! xo
Yes…there will most definitely be a gigantic hug at Allume! And, friend…the ache and grief you feel is real and can be so painful. I’m thinking of you tonight and saying a prayer for your heart. His timing is perfect, but I know…when we’re waiting, it can be so hard. Hang in there, my sweet friend. We’ll trust Him together.
xo
Praying for you friend, asking God to strengthen you and wrap His arms tightly around you as you wait. Hugs!
Hugs back to you, sweet Barbie…your prayers are such a gift. Thank you.