Oh, Monday Night…

I don’t know why this blog-late-on-Monday-night thing is continuing, but it is.

Oh, well.

Here I sit at the computer, eating toast and trying to think of coherent thoughts to share with you all.

Current time? 10:14 p.m.

And, by the way, toast is my comfort food. Really. I like it best with honey butter, but since we didn’t have any, I’m having cinnamon toast, which is almost as good. 😉

I thought you should know that.

You know…so if I’m ever having a bad day you can bring me toast or something. Haha. 😉

I’ve debated whether to go deep tonight or to just talk about toast.

Deep wins. At least, I think.

So, here we go.

And if you prefer less-deep thoughts, feel free to go on your merry way, knowing now that I love toast. See, it’s not a total loss. 😀

So, what’s funny about the way I’m writing this is that it would be exactly the same way if I were having a conversation with one of you. I’d make a joke or two and avoid the issue for awhile before bringing it up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be sad. And also because I’m debating whether to rant or to cry.

It’s just that no one talks about losing a baby.

It’s like that taboo topic…the one thing you just don’t touch. I have talked about it before…once or twice. In almost 450 blog posts. You get the idea.

And, even if I talk about it, what I don’t talk about is the confusing grief that comes along with it.

Like the fact that I sometimes feel guilty grieving a baby that, if here, would mean that Mae wouldn’t be.

Tomorrow is April 10th…it would have been Isabel’s due date. She’d be two. Tomorrow.

I refuse to cry for the entire day, but I’d be lying if I tell you that my heart’s not struggling a bit. Mostly because I want to remember her. It bothers me that there are no tangible reminders of her around our house. We have an ornament we bought for her, and that’s on the tree at Christmas.

But that’s it.

Everything in me wants to put a little angel on the wall next to all of Maelie’s photos. Or a little quote. Or something. Anything.

But it’s just not done, you know?

So sometime this week we’re going to plant some daisies. A little reminder.

And what you need to know…or, maybe I just need to tell you for my sake…is that I as I spend each day with Maelie, her presence fills our house with more laughter and love and JOY than I ever thought possible.

I never ONCE regretted Maelie…and I love her so much it makes my heart feel like it’s gonna explode.

But I still think of Isabel often, and I still tear up sometimes. And wonder.

And that’s why it’s so confusing.

We’re not meant to understand everything, and I guess this is just one of those things. I know I’m certainly not the only person who’s ever gone through this before…and all I can do is trust in His bigger plan.

And love.

Love the amazing little girl I get to wrap my arms around every day. Love her and cherish each moment we’re given.

And be thankful that I get to love another little girl, too…one that I’ll hold someday.

Thanks for listening, friends. I’m glad you’re here.