Off

Wow, this is becoming a trend…I keep pushing it later and

later. It is exactly 10:32 p.m. Which leaves me with an hour and 28 minutes to blog.

I really need to stop doing this!

(In my defense, Maelie took no afternoon nap.)

So has anyone else noticed my writing has been off the past week or so?

I have…but maybe because I’m my own worst critic.

Until now, I never connected the fact that, during the six years my husband and I blogged together, I didn’t write on the bad days. It was kind of a no-brainer.

Feeling like crap? Don’t write. Simple.

And then, in all my sheer brilliance, (yes, a tiny bit of sarcasm here) I decide to blog every day for a year. That means a few things:

• There are no days off.
• Mae not napping today? Too bad. Blog after she goes to bed.
• Writer’s block? Get over it, and come up with something…fast! Or write about airports or something…
• Having an utterly wretched day? (Have had a couple of those lately.) Write anyway and try not to spill every emotion surging through myself onto the virtual pages of barefootmel.com.

Don’t misunderstand me…I really do love blogging…and writing, in general. Most days, it’s something I really look forward to. Today is just one of the few days that it feels more like a chore than anything.

The last couple weeks have just been ugly.

Ugly for me, ugly for my heart, ugly for everyone in my house. It’s just been hard.

I reread the post I wrote last week on being refined tonight. And I have to admit…my first thought was, did I just tell God to refine away

?

Goodness, what was I thinking?!

Of course, I got over that moment. And I know that God is going to do the refining that needs to be done in His own way, in His own time. He doesn’t need my permission for that.

I don’t want to pretend, EVER, that I’ve got it all together, even though I think there are days

I subconsciously do just that. Sometimes I look like it, but that’s mostly because I: a) refuse to go out of the house without mascara, eyeliner, and powder; b) take the time to straighten my hair; and c) wear jeans anytime I leave the house. Although b has fallen by the wayside twice this week already.

Hello crazy, curly hair…that’s not really very cute. In fact, my husband looked at me on Saturday and informed me that “my hair was a mess”.

That’s ok, I forgave him and we just laughed. Because I really am having an “off” couple of weeks.

And because my hair really was a mess.

The problem with being off is that I’m not sure how to get “on” again.

The thing is, I know some of the things I should be doing. But is it worth opening my Bible to just stare at the pages blankly, hoping for something to jump out and penetrate my heart? I suppose it’s worth trying.

It’s Lent season…and so many of my friends are excited about it, and I have not a clue. I’ve never been in a church that celebrates Lent before…but I have to admit that it’s intriguing and that I’m looking forward to it. In the past for us, Easter has always been just a Sunday. Just one. Then it’s over. I’m excited about celebrating it for 40 days…or however many days it is.

That is, if my heart can get past all of this junk.

I know that God is bigger than the mess I’ve got going on…that He works despite me getting in the way all the ti

me. And that He loves me, with a Love that is bigger than all of the sin and frustration

and discouragement and ugly days.

So even though I’m feeling like life is a little off right now, I know that He’s right next to me.

And that helps a lot.

So, if you actually made it to the end of this post, thank you for listening to me pour out my heart.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

P.S. 11:06 p.m. 54 minutes to spare. I am so good. 😀