I’m blogging outside tonight.
It’s well after nine, and I’ ve been going most of the day without taking much time to sit down.
It’s a perfect night…not sweltering, not cold…just perfect.
And I’m sitting in just about the most perfect place, at least for tonight.
On my front porch, leaning up against one of the white posts. It’s comfy for now but ask me again in ten minutes.
😉
And, I’m wishing.
Praying.
Hoping.
Trusting…or trying to.
My heart aches as I stare out at the little I can see of
the houses in my view. I try to memorize every detail of this place.
Just in case.
Just in case this really isn’t home and just in case we really do have to pack up our things next month.
That hurts… more
than I can even explain.
I guess you could say that
the little faith I have is starting to crumble.
All the waiting and not knowing feels like it’s taking its toll on my heart. It frustrates me…and makes me wish I had so much more.
My husband has that faith, the kind that lets go and knows without a doubt that things will work out.
Things will work out.
Even if they’re not what I hope for, they’ll still work out.
And sometimes, I hate that.
Is it wrong to battle with God
? To pour out my heart so often and tell Him exactly what I want? At times, to beg and plead that He give exactly what I desire
? And be afraid that I might resent what He gives if it’s not what I would choose? These are all thoughts that have raced through my brain.
And, at times, made me feel guilty.
I know Who
I believe.
Today, that’s what the little faith I have in me clings to.
And today, that has to be enough.
Because He is enough.
Yes. A thousand times, Yes! Reading the Psalms will tell you it’s ok to battle with God. Though I thoroughly understand and completely relate to that guilt that always seems to ensue. For that, I’m sorry!
There is something about a “home” that has always intrigued me, since I was a little girl I was trying to make my bedroom a “home”. Something so warm and welcoming about “home”. Many of us who come from a broken home have a deeper need for it.
Just the other day I was reading in one of my devotionals that everything He does, He does with infinite wisdom. That, we can’t grasp, without faith. And your sharing of your shakiness and faltering only makes you human! And He loves you because of Who He is, not who you are, or aren’t today.
Loving you and praying for His will in your life. Infinite wisdom beats my desire any day. Easy to say. Harder to actually live. I understand, on another level, the waiting and not knowing.
(((hugs)))
Keep having the faith of a mustard seed and keep the prayers flowing even if it seems redundant. Remember you have friends that are there for you even if it is to just make you a pan of brownies(or cheese coffee cake).