In This Brokenness

In accepting the brokenness I have found hope and beauty. I’m learning it’s by grace alone that we face each day.

These words hit me in a very powerful way several days ago. Written by an author for one of my favorite blogs, she shared a very candid account of how she’d had to learn to see the beauty in something that could potentially destroy a momma’s heart.

I thought about her words for awhile…and kept them in the back of my mind, wanting to process them more fully to see what God might be teaching me through what she shared.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that sometimes God breaks us to the point of having nothing to lean upon but His grace.

I had no idea He’d do that to me.

You see, I’m a person who has a hard time admitting weakness. And it had been a tough week. My daughter is two. Battles galore. My daughter is two. More time-outs than are worthy of counting. My daughter is two. What feels like constant correcting.

Trying to do all of those things in love.

But still…

My daughter is two.

And I am a human being. Not supermom.

I can try all I want, but I will never be perfect.

Wednesday afternoon came, and out of the blue, so did the very thing that broke me.

I didn’t see it coming.

I had no idea.

It literally about destroyed me.

I fell into my husband’s arms and sobbed. I held my daughter close and cried even more. The tears flowed as a friend interrupted her schedule to listen and hold my hand and pray and just be there.

I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t think of anything else. Couldn’t bring myself to face the world, the same one that usually gives this extreme people person the energy to thrive.

I told myself from the beginning that I had to keep going. But that didn’t mean it was easy.

I wanted to stay in bed. I couldn’t go to Bible study. Two visits from friends brought more tears than I wanted to cry.

I just wanted to see purpose behind heartbreak.

It’s been a few days, and I’m still in that emotional, searching-for-understanding, mode. There are still tears that threaten to spill as I sit in Starbucks and try to find words for a brokenness that is so real. So painful that it feels like the life is being sucked out of me.

And then I go back to the words she shared from a heart that knows what it’s like to bleed…

We’re all broken, and it’s by His grace alone that we face each day.

I don’t know how to get through this one.

I tell you that openly and honestly. Because my heart hurts, and I want more than anything to understand the purpose behind the pain.

But it is, truly, by His Grace alone that I have gotten out of bed on Thursday.

And Friday.

And today.

And I know I’ll get up tomorrow and trust Him to get me through the day…just like He has each day before.

I have the hope, in this brokenness, that He will bring beauty from something that shattered this momma’s heart.

***Thanks to each of you for reading. I realize I didn’t share many details here, and I know you’re probably curious. I want you to know two things. First, my family is fine. We’re loving on each other. And two, I hope that someday, when the pain is less and the beauty is more, that I can share more openly with you. In the meantime, thanks for just taking the time to read this space. You know I love you.