Honest Thoughts

I try to be honest in this space.

Obviously, there are things that I don’t tell you, things that don’t need to be shared, and things that just plain don’t belong here.

But I think this particular type of honesty does have a place here, especially after last Friday, a day that will be etched in the minds of most of us for heart-wrenching reasons.

I think that’s why I need to share.

You see, it has been a really, really hard few weeks in the parenting department.

It felt like, almost overnight, my sweet, usually-compliant, full-of-love daughter did a 180.

She and I were constantly butting heads over everything…from helping to pick up toys to getting her diaper changed; from sharing with others to simply doing what mommy asked her to do. She would yell at me, throw temper tantrums, and often hit.

I don’t share these things to embarrass her later in life…goodness, I was two once, and no angel, I’m sure. 😉 And it wasn’t like there weren’t any good moments…it just felt as if the difficult ones overwhelmed everything else.

My meter-o-patience was teetering dangerously toward empty in the middle of last week. It felt like every moment was infiltrated by a toddler determined to do exactly the opposite of what I wanted from her.

And then Friday came.

We had a really good morning together, but by afternoon we’d had a couple rough patches, and I felt like we were both in survival mode until Tobin came home from work.

And then I logged into facebook, which led me to turn on the news, where the tears immediately started to fall.

Little kids. Why, God??? Why little kids?

I’m pretty sure those words came out of my mouth as I buried my head in my hands for a minute or two.

And then I felt her hand on my knee.

Mommy? Mommy? It’s ok. You don’t need to cry.

In an instant she was in my lap, snuggling deep into my left shoulder, allowing herself, uncharacteristically, to be held tightly for several minutes.

The whole time I prayed was a mix of Oh, God, be near and Thank You, Father, that my girl is in my arms.

The crux of it for me? Is that there are going to be Days. Weeks. Stages.

Ones that I don’t love like I should, ones that I squeeze out of my sponge rather than soak up.

I don’t think there’s a parent out there who would say that parenting is easy and without frustration and tears.

The events of Friday broke my heart. There’s nothing I can say that people haven’t already said…my eyes fill with tears when I think of parents who have empty arms and shattered hearts over those precious children who are gone from their lives much too soon.

As I held my daughter tighter on Friday, it was almost like God was saying,  You know what, Mel? There are going to be those days. But hold her close and love her because I’ve given her to you.

Oh, my Mae…we are going to struggle. We are going to have some rough moments. But, as has already been true, I know the good and the wonderful will always outweigh those moments that are less-than that. I want you to know, sweet girl, how much I treasure you, how much

I. Love You.

To the moon and back. Plus infinity.

Thank You, God, for my girl. For mommy-daughter moments shared, for lives impacting others, for overjoyed laughter…

And for Love.

Always. Love.