Five-Minute Friday: Rhythm

June 20, 2013 by · 56 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s topic: Rhythm

My heart wonders sometimes when I think of it…the whole, this is life right now, thing.

I don’t mean that in a bad way…it’s just that the rhythm is different.

Three years into this season of life, and I’m learning what it means to stay, to settle,

to play along with the rhythm of what we have instead of trying to create our own.

It’s not a secret that I thrive on adventure and the crazy that seems to abound around the corners of the less-traveled paths.

But this season, He has clearly said…

Stay.

This is your rhythm for now.

And you know what? I like it…and I’m learning to soak in the blessings and sing the songs that come with it instead of becoming desperate for something new.

Just this week He’s been impressing on my heart the beauty of memories and what was and what will always remain in my heart. And along with that?

He’s showing me the blessings of now,

And the rhythm they bring with them is just amazing.

Feeling grateful tonight for the place He has brought us…and the things He has yet to do.

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, barefoot, blessings, encouragement, Five Minute Friday, Indonesia, just life, what I'm learning, where I am

Five-Minute Friday: Fall

June 6, 2013 by · 46 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Fall

So I should take this Five-Minute Friday prompt and write about the absolute, utter, TOTAL klutz that I am.

Really.

I embrace the title pretty much every day as I fall over nothing. 😉

But when I first saw the prompt, I went back to a memory…one I hold in my heart and will forever.

In October of 2010, we experienced our first fall season since 2004. (Yeah, leaves don’t get all crunchy and fall off trees in the tropics. That’s really quite the bummer.)

There was one afternoon in early October when my husband came home from work, and we took our then-four-month-old baby girl outside with us and played in the leaves.

We raked.

We did a lot of jumping.

We took a ton of pictures.

And? I totally even took a huge, crashing dive into the largest pile.

It was one of my favorite days ever and holds a special place in my heart each time I think of it.

Sometimes we take the littlest things for granted…like a change in seasons.

And while we still enjoy fall, I know that season in 2010 will be our favorite for a long, long time.

MelMaeleavesOne of my favorite pictures of me with my girl that day.

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, family, Five Minute Friday, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, remembering, where I am

A Mess of Batik…and Identity

June 3, 2013 by · 6 Comments

The other day I was digging through some boxes we’ve stored in our basement.

Some of them contain items we shipped back to the States from Indonesia three years ago, and while we’ve gone through the boxes at least once since then, we weren’t in the place yet where we could just start pitching everything we don’t use. (Though that day is definitely closer now. ;))

I was actually digging (and making a total mess…really) for a book that I’d had shipped to me in Indonesia and thought I’d brought back. It figures that I didn’t find the book, but I did find?

This.

photo(3)

Yes, it kind of fits me like a great, big, batik, tent. 😉

But, before you cringe…let me tell you the back story.

During our years in Indonesia, I loved all things batik, especially the patchwork kind. Purses, shirts, even skirts…I couldn’t get enough of it. When I stumbled on this tank top in a little batik shop in Yogyakarta during our Christmas trip of ’08, it was like finding a treasure. And so I bought it and wore it and loved it. (And I’m guessing packed it up to ship home way before I actually left Indonesia because my prego belly was probably way too big for it by then. ;))

And that shirt wasn’t the only batik thing I brought home. A couple skirts, shirts, a kebaya, blankets, more bags than I can count… IndonesiaBags

Yep, I stocked up. (And, bonus points to the person who can count how many batik purses are hidden in all of that.) 😉

I wanted to make sure I had enough batik to get me through however long it took me to…

Well, I’m not exactly sure how to finish that sentence.

For several months after my return, I wanted that piece of Indonesia.

The kind I could look at and hold in my hands, the kind that could remind me of the place that still held so much of my heart, even if my feet weren’t planted there anymore.

I’d wear those batik shirts around and carry the cute bags and find a little piece of my identity in the fact that even if I couldn’t be there, at least I could remember it.

But eventually that day came…the day when I pulled out a bag I bought at Target. And I dressed in my jeans and and equally-Target tank top, probably with some Old Navy flip flops thrown in there, too.

I’m not sure how, or even exactly when, it happened, but I became ok with not having that piece of I’ve-obviously-been-somewhere-most-of-you-haven’t-and-that-place-is-my-identity, thrown out there for the world (or at least my little C’ville) to see.

Finding that shirt the other day brought me back to that place…and reminded me of the silly things I sometimes find my identity in.

While a cute bag is always nice (can I get an amen, here?! ;)) and so is a fun, unique shirt…if I’m choosing to label myself with something that trivial, then I have a long way to go.

I guess I still do.

We all do.

That’s why I’m thankful that I’m redeemed, that He’s called me by name, that I’m precious and honored in His eyes…that He loves me.

That. I’m. His.

And as I sit here writing this, still wearing that tent-like tank top, it’s a beautiful reminder, one I need every day.

Thank you, Father.

photo(4)

But, seriously…I added a striped sweater. Don’t you totally think I should wear this on our next date night?! 😉 

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, fashion, Indonesia, just life, remembering, travel, where I am

My God-Sized Dream: I Dreamed Some Dreams…

May 28, 2013 by · 36 Comments

We’ve been walking the path of God-sized dreams together for a few months now. Will you share an update with us about your dream? Let us know where you are with it–the happy and the hard. Tell us how we can pray for you and your dream too.

In 2005 we packed our bags for parts unknown.

Bandung, Indonesia.

Looking at a map, I was pretty sure it was about as far away as I could get from the Midwest, the place I had always called home.

Nevertheless, we did it. We crammed our lives into a suitcase and seven rubbermaid containers, shipped our dog on an airplane, said goodbye to all we knew, and we did it.

Moved to Indonesia.

And it became home.

At the time, we had no idea that we were living a dream.

We were aware that living and teaching overseas was something we’d wanted to do for awhile.

We were even more aware that God had called us to do it. So we answered with a yes.

And we fumbled and faltered and rejoiced and celebrated and cried and loved and lived and so many other things.

It changed us forever.

We lived out a dream, one we didn’t even know we had dreamed.

And months ago…maybe even years ago…another little dream crawled into a corner of my heart. I wanted to take the Indo-stories and experiences my Father had given to me and put them all into one place.

Write a book.

I even gave it a title. Lessons from Indonesia: On Life, Love, and Squatty Potties. 😉

And so when my friend, Holley, accepted me as a member of her God-Sized Dream Team last November, what I expected to pursue wholeheartedly during this time was writing this book.

After all, this was the dream I had in my heart.

And I wrote the book.

I did.

Hours upon hours at a corner table in the Starbucks on 31, more hot-turned-cold cups of coffee than I can count, and more smiles and tears, too…

…and it sits on my laptop and on my nightstand and in the hands of a friend…in the form of 120ish pages and 37,000 plus words. It is my heart and soul, the place where I bled love and life and happy and sad and so many memories…and it is a dream in every way.

That rough draft, read by one other person so far, represents the journey to a dream…one that I need to keep pushing forward to achieve…by writing book proposals that I don’t know how to write yet and handing it to people…even if it’s scary and makes me bite off all of my fingernails. 😉

I was fully aware that this dream I’d dreamed was a dream that I wanted to chase with abandon.

But over the last few months, there have been other things that jumped into my path.

For example…this space.

Yes, it’s been around for awhile. :)

And I guess I never really set out to make my blog a dream when I started it all in 2011. It was always my safe place, a place to laugh and cry and love and share it all. Of course, like any blogger, having an audience is nice, but it wasn’t my dream at the beginning.

And then?

These beautiful women from all corners started to stop by. Leave some comment love. Invite me to their spaces and into their hearts and lives.

A community was created and the dream to keep writing and sharing and loving people through my words was born. Or maybe another dream just grew.

And a few months ago, I let a dream…one that had been locked up tightly…out into the open. I let the whole world know that I want to write for (in)courage someday.

There it is again. :)

And I thought that maybe this whole letting-my-dreams-spill-out thing was over.

Two big dreams, and I’d shared them both.

But God has a funny way of working in hearts when we make the decision to go with His plan. And He brought something else into my life.

Mercy Ships.

Not as an I-need-to-do-this-now dream, but definitely as something that has made an impact on my heart and could be a possibility for us down the road. That’s a bit frightening and heart-pounding to think about. So, for now, we’re just lifting that one up and placing it into His hands.

Now, several months after the dreaming began, I find myself looking at three, and probably more, dreams that have somehow taken root and grown and changed me.

Some days it’s all I can do to simply catch my breath and make the choice to walk another day by His side in obedience.

Walk hand in hand. Not run ahead. Not drag my feet behind.

The truth is that, with these dreams, I’m not sure where I am.

Yes, I’m pursuing publishing a book.

And. Slowly.

This process is not for the faint of heart. I’m finding that out, and the reality of how difficult handing my words over to other people is…well, it’s breaking me and it’s harder than I ever thought it would be.

And my dream of being a contributor for another blog…well, that one is in the works. It’s not for (in)courage, a space that I still love and would, someday, still love to write for. But there’s another opportunity, one that I am truly excited to watch unfold. Hopefully I’ll be able to share more soon. :)

And moving to Africa to live and work on a ship? God has said a clear, Not now. I am ok with this…more than ok.

In all of this dreaming, He has been teaching me the beauty of now.

I’ve dreamed some dreams within the last several months, and though things don’t look at all like what I pictured they might, I am truly enjoying the journey.

And I’m so blessed by each of you who have been part of it.

Happy Tuesday! Today we’re spending some time reflecting on our God-Sized dreams at Holley’s place. We’d love for you to hop over and be part of what God is doing in some amazing hearts and lives.

God-Sized Dreams

Sig

Filed Under: (in)courage, adventures, barefoot, blessings, encouragement, friends, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, just life, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

Five-Minute Friday: View

May 23, 2013 by · 68 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: View

Oh, I miss the view.

I can still picture it in my head…the green everywhere.

The mountains that seemed so close I could touch them.

The way God fingerprinted every little detail of that beautiful place.

And I got to live there.

I remember one of the mornings I took the motorbike out for a drive, and I just couldn’t get enough of my surroundings. Maybe it meant more for this Iowa girl who was used to flat plains and no mountains, but I just soaked it all in.

And now I’m glad I did, for it is still in my mind.

Still in my heart.

I can still close my eyes and picture every detail.

It was an incredible view, amazing scenery, placed in a country where the vast majority of the people were very poor.

I like to think that it was a small way He chose to bless them. :)

I miss you, Indonesia.

IMG_4072

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, Five Minute Friday, Indonesia, remembering, where I am

My God-Sized Dream: Another Dream?

May 14, 2013 by · 38 Comments

For next week take this “do what you can” step for your God-sized dream: Share about your favorite nonprofit organization. They are all God-sized dreams in action. How have they inspired you?

Friends, I just want to warn you that this turned into a novel. But, hey, if my dream is to write a book… 😉 Please read it anyway. Maybe it will change your life…I hope so. I know it changed mine.

~Mel~

**************************

It’s safe to say that my husband and I have a heart for other cultures, overseas ministry, and making a difference in the lives of people we meet.

We spent several years with an amazing organization, the Network of International Christian Schools. (NICS) During that time we were living in Bandung, Indonesia, and working at Bandung Alliance International School (BAIS); Tobin as the IT Director/Yearbook Teacher, and I taught mostly upper elementary with one, extremely memorable, year of teaching preschool/art/random math. 😉

It was life-changing, to say the least, and opened our eyes to what truly experiencing another culture looks like. We loved Indonesia, and we also loved the people there; because when you live in another country that long, whether you plan on it or not, those people find a place in your heart. And sometimes occupy a large territory of it, too.

We stayed five years.

Therefore, I AM 5% Indonesia…and no one can take that from me. (However, if I live to be older than 100, I may need to reconfigure the percentage. ;))

Being part of NICS changed our lives…and lives are being changed all over the world. If you happen to be a teacher and are interested in overseas teaching, this is the organization to check out. There are twenty schools around the world in some amazing places.

In reality, the chance to be part of NICS and BAIS was a dream come true, even if we didn’t know we were dreaming it at the time. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

And then we moved “home”…though, since living overseas, the word home is extremely relative.

We bought a house and are putting our roots down deep. I suppose things would look different if we didn’t have a family, but we do…and we want Mae to have a place to call home.

God has blessed us above and beyond what we could have dared to hope for…an amazing neighborhood and community, an incredible church, friends who are family and now a part of our hearts and lives forever.

But does that mean we’ll never go again?

There was a time in the last two plus years when I would have told you, Absolutely not; we’re here to stay. Forever. Probably with a theoretical foot stomp thrown in there because I’m like that. 😀 I look around me, and sometimes I just have to catch my breath because I’ve fallen in love with where we are. Pulling up those roots would tear up my heart, and I think I’ve always had it in my head that this is it.

And it really could be.

But God has a funny way of stirring a heart and reminding it that He’s got it all planned, and those plans are mapped out beautifully, according to what He knows is best for us. Not what we think we know.

He hasn’t called us to do anything else yet.

And He may not; so we stay and pour what we have into our lives here and now. I love this place and am incredibly thankful each and every day that we are blessed enough to call this place our home.

But I have to tell you a secret, one that made me literally weep all over the keyboard of my Macbook last week.

Lately, my heart’s been wondering…Could it be that we might go again?

I don’t know…I just don’t. 😉

What I know is that I came across this.

Mercy Ships.

I did not go looking for it. In fact, until last week, after Holley gave our assignment for this week, I’d never even heard of it.

I actually discovered it when a friend from Indonesia posted his sister’s blog on Facebook…she is a nurse for Mercy Ships Africa.

So, of course, I had to check out the website, which linked to a 60 Minutes special. (Which I’m going to post. Which you need to watch.)

I cried the entire way through it…all the while, letting more dreams take root in a corner of my ever-bleeding-for-someone heart. Because, of course, my husband and I don’t have medical degrees. Or plans to get them. Hey, it’s best to stay within your giftings. 😉

But in browsing their website, I discovered something…or a few somethings.

First, people raise their kids on these ships. For a long time, we talked about how wonderful it would be to raise Maelie on the mission field. And there’s a school…school = teachers. I do love to teach.

But guess what? They also need a writer…someone to write publications for press, someone who can give a glimpse into this amazing ministry, someone who can love these people and share their stories.

Can someone please come to my house and attempt to calm down my ever-racing, I-want-to-do-this, heart? :)

And, lo and behold, they need IT . Folks, he’s good. If the guy can deal with Indo technology for half a decade and not lose his sanity, I’m pretty sure he could deal with it anywhere. Even on a floating vessel. 😉

Those of you who know me will not be surprised that my ENFP brain couldn’t spin fast enough. Let’s go! Let’s go! it shouted…and potentially still IS shouting.

I may or may not have started packing our bags. 😉

And I’ll admit to you that I had to cry this out for a few days before I came to the place of truth. That place that said something like, Mel, not now. Maybe someday, but not now. Ok, that voice was most likely my husband. 😉 

It’s a truth I had to wrestle with…the one of joy in where He has us for now; the contentment of praying for His will and going if someday, He does say, Go; but staying if He says stay.

That wrestling ended up being good because a peace took over my heart, and I handed it to Him. I love that I can trust Him to show us if this might be in His plan…when it’s His plan. That day is not today…and it probably won’t be for several years. (Though He could definitely surprise us! Hello, Indonesia? Neither of us saw that one coming…)

But what I know is that I found myself completely fascinated, burdened, and stirred by this ministry that has somehow missed my radar for so long. It’s one where people are literally being the hands and feet of Jesus to some of the poorest of the poor…

Loving people.

Saving lives.

Making an eternal difference.

All of the workers pay their way for the privilege of being part of what Mercy Ships does. These God-Sized dreamers are my new heroes.

Would you consider supporting someone who is part of this amazing ministry?

You can go here to do that.

Friends? I think there might be another God-Sized dream taking root in my heart.

I have no idea what it looks like, but I can’t wait to watch.

**************************

And here’s the clip from 60 Minutes…the best 12 minutes you will spend this week. If for no other reason than simply having your eyes opened, will you watch it? I want to be honest and tell you that this news clip is somewhat graphic and difficult to watch…and they warn you of that on the video. I ask you to watch it anyway.

Thanks for stopping by today, friends! On Tuesdays I link up with my dreaming sisters at our sweet friend, Holley’s place. Will you join us and see what God is doing in some brave and beautiful hearts?

God-Sized Dreams

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, barefoot, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, just life, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

On Memories and Sarongs…

April 22, 2013 by · 18 Comments

A few weeks ago, I broke my favorite coffee mug. It was a travel mug I purchased at the Starbucks at BIP in Bandung, my last night in Indonesia. (I looked for a picture and couldn’t find one online…just think cute, batik, brown and blue. :))

I was crushed, no pun intended ;), to the point of tears. I had already been in I-miss-Indonesia-mode like crazy…and it just felt like a crushing blow.

Yes, it was just a coffee mug, but that mug was special.

But breaking it did make me start to think…about the things I hold dear, about the things that have a place in my heart and life, about the things that take priority where they shouldn’t.

And so, yesterday, I did something I’ve been putting off for three-days-shy-of-three-years.

See, in three days I will have been “home” from Indonesia for three years. (It’s strange to see that typed out. Time has truly flown.)

And when I packed my bags and boxed up what I wanted us to ship back to the States, a lot of those things included were little, at-the-time-symbolic-but-generally-just-taking-up-space, trinkets. And for three years, I’ve kept them stored in a few random bags, which were stuffed, mostly-unopened, in one of our closets.

I’ve known for awhile that this kind of clutter needed to go, but it’s hard.

So many of those little things were gifts from students and friends, little oleh-oleh (souvenirs) purchased during trips. They all hold a memory.

And it’s hard to throw away memories.

But, let’s be honest here…a person only needs so many sarongs. :) (Not kidding when I tell you that I came back with more than a dozen. Ahem…can I blame it on my love for going to the beach?) 😉

So I started…smaller. I went through three bags of jewelry and other random “fun”…and I threw out 90% of it. Straight into the garbage can. I pulled out a few things to save for Maelie when she’s older and even found two or three things I’d been wanting but had no clue where they were. 😉

And then I moved on to the sarongs, which were a bit more difficult to part with. Like I said before, there are so many memories tied to them (again, no pun intended…man, I’m on a roll today! ;)) and it’s hard to just toss them aside. I let myself keep three…my two favorites and, again, one for Maelie.

But I honestly felt guilty about throwing those away…and so I didn’t.

Here they are. :)

sarongs

And here’s the deal. (If you’d like. :)) If you see one you like in the picture, leave me a comment to claim it. (I’ll get your address through email.) I’ll toss it in an envelope and send it your way in the next week or two…and in that way I can get rid of some of the clutter and pass on a little Indo-love at the same time. (I will tell you that I’ve used a few of them once or twice…and I promise to wash them all before I send them out. :))

But if you want a purchased-somewhere-in-Indonesia (most likely, at a beach) sarong, here’s your chance. And it would make me happy to pass them on to friends instead of just tossing them or donating them. :)

The longer we’ve been back in the States, the more I’ve realized that my memories from Indonesia don’t lie in the souvenirs that surround me.

Not in seashell necklaces, not in bright-flower sarongs, not even in the world’s cutest batik coffee mug.

The memories…and, more importantly, the people…are in our hearts. And that’s the way it should be.

:) Blessings, friends.

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, Indonesia, just life, remembering, travel, where I am

A Reminder of His Protection

April 15, 2013 by · 2 Comments

I don’t love to fly.

Which could actually be shocking to many of you, considering that my life, in general, has deemed traveling by plane very necessary.

I’m not kidding when I tell you that takeoffs and landings, especially, scare the b-geebies out of me. This, coming from a girl, who has endured at least two hundred of them. Yep, I still sweat and grip the armrests so tightly that my knuckles turn white.

So, you can imagine the kind of conversation that ensued when, Saturday morning I trudged out of bed (yes, I usually trudge for the first few minutes…not exactly a morning person), and his first words to me…

This is crazy…a plane coming from Bandung overshot the runway in Bali and landed in the ocean. 

So, like any curious, former-Bandung-Indo-resident, Bali-lovin’, girl would do, I immediately headed to the computer to watch a clip with him.

It kind of shook me up to see it.

We’ve flown all over Indonesia. Once, even with that very airline. We’re also (still) aware of the fact that several of the airlines there don’t meet safety requirements, and runways in several major Indo airports teeter toward the too-short length. There is one, in fact, that has been “officially” deemed too short, but it’s one we never actually landed on.

Seeing the footage sent chills up and down my spine as I recounted the many times we’ve landed on that very runway. (Prayers being uttered during every landing by yours truly. ;))

Once we watched the footage together (and laughed at how one of the announcers pronounced Bandung (friends, its Bon-doong, not Ban-dung ;)) we had to process it out, you know.

Or, at least one of us did. :)

Indonesia and Bali are both on our list for next year. We’ve been wanting to take Maelie there before she gets too much older…plus, if we’re going that far, we have to do Bali so this girl can hit a surfboard for a few hours. 😉 Well, and so we can introduce our girl to this little slice of paradise that is so special to us.

But, true to my personality type, I immediately freaked out. I guess there’s no way Maelie will see Bali now!

:)

It’s moments like that when I’m glad to be married to a rock-solid, albeit-slightly-a-little-too-steady, ISTJ like Tobin. Because his response?

Why not?

He gets it, and it was a short, not too earth-shattering (thought maybe plane-splitting ;)), reminder that my Father has it all figured out. The fact is that if our time to go…and if God chooses a plane crash for that…then there’s not a lot I can do to stop it.

I just have to trust that He’s got it all worked out for good…and I know He does.

I’m posting this video because, praise God, other than some minor injuries, everyone made it off the plane safely, which seems like a miracle when you see the plane. (It is also, in fact, shocking how close to shore that plane is.) We used to hang out at Kuta Beach and watch the planes come and go from just a mile or two away…crazy to think that a plane went down just that distance from where I surfed and boogie boarded. Wild.

Thanking my Father today for His protection of these precious people.

(P.S. My apologies for any potential ads that may precede this video…I tried to find the least-offensive one, but who knows what’s gonna show up. ;))

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, encouragement, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, remembering, Tobin, travel, where I am

My God-Sized Dream: The Why

April 2, 2013 by · 17 Comments

We’ve talked a lot about “what” your dream is and now it’s time to tackle the “why” behind it. Why is your dream worth pursuing, fighting for and seeing through no matter what happens?

I shared a few months ago about a dream God had given me.

To take my stories from Indonesia, the good and bad, the ugly and broken, the beautiful…and write a book.

Since sharing that initial dream, He’s done a lot in this heart. And while that dream is there, and being actively chased :), there’s been more defining…and maybe some heart-refining, too.

I’ve always loved to write and dreamed of writing a book, but that answer to “why” doesn’t completely cover it.

So…here’s the more honest answer. :)

It started with a blog, this space, in January of 2011. My husband and I had gone through an insane amount of change in the previous eight months…being in separate hemispheres for the last six weeks of my pregnancy, leaving Indonesia, the birth of our first child, readjusting to America, and relocating to a brand new city and state.

To be blunt, my head was spinning at a fast and furious, unable-to-focus, rate.

And this space became my haven…a place I hung out every day to share whatever it was that was going on in my heart and life…from the real of heartache and my inability to park a minivan, to the joy I felt over having coffee with a friend for the first time in six months and my confusion over why people wore boots over their jeans. 😉

America confused me, and I think I confused America.

And eventually those stories started to spill out, and God began to give glimpses of His goodness in the midst of ALL…despite the fact that everything I had always known no longer made sense.

Because it wasn’t about life making sense…it was about holding His hand and choosing to walk in His Grace, despite circumstances.

And I felt like maybe my stories were worth sharing…not just the happy and hilarious ones but the ones that broke me, the ones that changed my perspective, the ones that made (and still make) me cry.

And so I decided to write a book. :)

I’ve finished the rough draft, and I kinda love it. I think it’s one anyone can relate to on some level. (If y’all would like to say a prayer that a publisher will see it’s awesomeness, too, that would be amazing. ;))

But beyond books and blogs, I think the overall dream is encouragement.

I think that’s what He wants from me.

To take the gift He’s given me and use it for His glory. That might often be through words, but it also comes in other forms…listening, prayer, heart-spilling chats. He can use it all.

He can take my words…and make a difference, no matter big or small. It’s a difference and it’s for Him.

That’s the heart of it all right there.

And it’s worth chasing because it’s what He’s calling me to do.

I read these words recently, written by a friend…they are so true. And so what my heart needed to hear again this morning at this stage of dreaming.

Maybe you’re in a place where it seems no one sees you and it feels like what you do doesn’t matter. Maybe you feel like your potential isn’t being used. What are you doing taking care of a few sheep when you sense inside that you’re made for so much more? But you’re being faithful anyway. You’re serving, learning, loving, and growing.

You’re a God-Sized dreamer, and that means you can make a difference anywhere.

(You’re Made For a God-Sized Dream: Opening the Door to All God Has for You, by Holley Gerth; p. 50-51)

My prayer is that He’ll take this heart and life and use it for His glory…and I’ll leave the size of that up to Him.

And, Happy Tuesday, friends! As always, we’re linking up over at Holley‘s place. Hop by, say hello, and read what God is doing in some dreamer hearts!

God-Sized Dreams

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, remembering, where I am, writing

Justifying Grief

April 1, 2013 by · 30 Comments

I want to warn you, friends, that this post may make you uncomfortable. And if you’d rather not read it, I understand.

It’s been a season of dreaming and doing…with a lot of reflecting mixed in there, too.

And since many of you walk this journey with me…the one of hopes and chasing dreams, of love and extreme thankfulness, of a bit of sorrow and more broken, but also of so much redemption and Grace…I want you to know.

If you want to know.

So read at your own risk. :)

****************************

There is a wound that’s been buried in a corner of my heart for more than four years.

Most days, it’s just there…but it never goes away. Occasionally it will tug and pull and ache and make me cry.

And then there are weeks like this past one where it slashes and slices and crushes and makes my body rack with sobs.

I thought it would go away, this wound of loss so deep, especially once our little girl joined our family.

But it hasn’t, and from time to time, the pain will resurface. And lately, it’s seemed to grab a hold and start to strangle.

Especially this past week, as it seemed to just make me cry more and more, I wondered…

Is it possible I never grieved it?

I don’t know.

All I know is that the month of March is one of the most painful for me…and when it rolls around, it feels as if a demon overtakes me.

The demon of depression…of anger, of hurt, of regret, of unknown. Of wishing and wondering and wanting to know so badly but needing to accept that I never will.

Most of you know the story, but not all.

For a long time, I’ve been afraid of it, but I can’t be anymore. For it is part of us…part of our family, and we need to acknowledge that it’s there and always will be. 

In November of 2008, while Tobin and I were living in Indonesia, we made the decision to pursue adoption. It wasn’t something we rushed into…it had been in our prayers and discussions for months, even years.

In January of 2009, we were approached about the possibility of adopting a baby. A mother in a nearby village who had a connection with a friend was pregnant with her third child. The father was in and out of the picture, money was almost nonexistent, and they wanted a better life for this baby.

Through our friend, they heard about us and asked if we would like their baby.

There are days I wish it had been that simple. And then there are others when I wish it had all never happened.

She was due end of April/beginning of May. It was January.

We flew into paperwork mode and, as soon as we could, scheduled a meeting with the head of the Yayasan (adoption CEO, for lack of a better term) in Jakarta. We met with her, and though somewhat helpful, we left feeling discouraged.

Despite the discouragement, our friend was convinced that this could work, that the hoops could be jumped through and the obstacles overcome.

We had a lot on our side, and I believed with everything in me that God wanted us to have this baby.

And I knew I shouldn’t have gone there yet, but I did. We were lying in bed one night, talking, and I told T how much I liked the name, Maria. We never talked about a boy’s name because I was certain it would be a girl.

I had dreams of a purple nursery with maybe some butterflies on the wall, of spending more years in Indonesia, of finally being able to be a family in my community.

In March, those dreams died when the mother changed her mind. We never heard officially what happened, other than we knew there had been some family pressure.

And my dreams for a Maria and a purple nursery with a cute, white crib turned to ashes.

I cried more tears that month than I ever thought possible.

What’s worse, I was convinced that my grief was unjustified. Not everyone had been completely on board with the situation, and one friend even passively said, Oh, you can just try again. It’s not like it was guaranteed anyway.

It was a grief I stuffed down deep. I was afraid of judgment, afraid of being caught crying over something others felt wasn’t justified.

I still had to teach…I still had nineteen 5th graders. I had a life and responsibilities…and the tears were pushed to the late night.

The kind when it was just me and heartbreak buried under a daisy blanket.

Alone, crying out to a God Who felt too far away.

People say that time heals wounds, and I half-agree with it.

Just half, though.

Eventually the exhaustion translated to sleep and sleep meant relief from pain.

Days somehow passed and life occupied hours…and it was what it was.

We returned to the States for the summer. Most never asked, we didn’t talk.

And while tears have dripped since, today the hole feels more like a pit of desperation…the kind that threatens to swallow up a life that needs to be lived.

About a year ago God laid it on our hearts to sponsor a child through Compassion. I pored through the pictures of children from Indonesia, looking for a three year-old. Somehow hoping that maybe…maybe…this child could still be mine.

I knew it was foolish, I knew the odds were millions to one, I knew…

I know…

I know I just have to let go.

To trust that God has a plan for this now-almost-four-year-old child, one that for whatever reason didn’t include us, one that is far greater than I could have imagined.

And so I need to say goodbye.

Goodbye, sweet one.

Sig

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, remembering, where I am
«Previous Page
Next Page»