His Legacy

May 28, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I never knew him.

All I’d been told my entire life was that he was my grandpa, a farmer, a Navy vet, and that he’d died before I was born.

There were pictures of him at my grandma’s house…a few, but he was rarely spoken of. His stories were never told. It was as if everything he ever was…and everything he brought to the lives of those around him…died right along with him.

And I spent my childhood wondering about this man…my mom’s dad. Wondering how my life might have been different had I grown up knowing him.

There are two lessons I’ve taken away from never knowing my Grandpa A.

The first is that no person’s life is so insignificant that it cannot leave a mark on the world. His stories may not be told, but my grandpa left behind twelve children, eleven of whom are still alive. In their own ways, they’re leaving their own footprints on the world…and extending his legacy.

I’m sad for myself and for most of my cousins…that we never knew him. We never bounced on his knee, never wrapped our arms around his neck, never had even one photo taken with him so we could have that memory.

I’m also reminded that stories are worth sharing…the good and the bad. There are things that have been shared in recent years about Grandpa’s life…things that aren’t the most admirable. Yet, they are part of who he was…and it’s a shame that those are the things I know of this man.

I want to know more.

The picture I noticed during one of my most recent trips back to my hometown is one of him in his Navy uniform. So, regardless of other things that may mar who my grandpa really was, he is one of the men that we, as a nation, honor today.

He fought for our freedom.

He sacrificed.

And he left behind a legacy that’s worth talking about.

Sig

Filed Under: family, remembering, where I am

His Love

May 20, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I love every ounce of her.

(Well, I love every ounce of the coffee I’m drinking now, too, but I love her even more.) 😉

Sometimes it’s just astounds me…the love that can fill up my heart to the point of feeling like it’s going to burst all over the place from utter JOY.

Oh, I love her.

The way she snuggles and cuddles and rests her head on the beat of my heart. If she only understood how long we dreamed…someday she will. And she will know how valued and loved and wonderful she is…not just to us but to her Creator.

Oh, He loves her!

And in the midst of a hard day with some uncertainty, I was reminded over and over that He knit her together in my womb…knowing every single, tiny detail about her that would ever be. Things that I…her own mama…don’t know. That amazes my heart and fills me with peace even when I don’t have answers. I don’t know how she fell today or why she’s limping or if she’s hurt badly…but He does.

Because He loves her.

I can be having a terrible day, and one look at her precious smile or a second of that completely-full-of-JOY giggle, and it’s all good. She delights in the simple things…walks to the park, playing kitchen with me, exploring the yard, chasing the dogs. She reminds me each day that life is beautiful and a gift and that each moment can be a priceless memory if we choose to make it one.

I love her so much.

And maybe what amazes me more than anything is that I know how much I love her…and He loves her even more. I can’t fathom it, I can’t understand it…but I can believe it because He’s promised it.

Resting in His Love today.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

Thinking About Home

April 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment

I spent too much time today looking at photos like what you’ll find here.

Last night my hometown was devastated by a tornado, and seeing pictures of the damage is surreal. I’m sure it’s much worse in person.

I found out about the tornado the way everyone finds about things these days…by logging into facebook last night around 10 pm. Once I let my brain wrap around what had actually happened, I grabbed my phone and immediately tried to get ahold of someone, just to know that my family was ok. My mom didn’t answer, and so I called my brother…thankfully he answered and said everyone was fine even if the town wasn’t.

Even though rumors swirl, all official reports say that there was no loss of life…an amazing miracle. My best friends’ parents lost their garage and a car. There’s a lot of damage, but their house and, more importantly, everyone in it…are fine. Countless stories of how God’s hand of protection was clearly there have been shared over and over.

Houses are completely gone while others, just meters away, sit untouched. Cars are flipped over and totaled, lines are down, debris is everywhere, the hospital is a mess, other buildings near it are a total loss…by all accounts, there should have been fatalities.

But God is Good…and he spared people.

And for the few minutes when I had to wonder without knowing, I remember thinking…as long as they’re fine, nothing else matters. We can build new houses and buy new things, but home is

People.

And their hearts.

And while I may not call Creston, Iowa, my home anymore, there are people there who are part of my heart. The same with Ankeny, Nekoosa, Brooklyn Center, Bandung, and now, Carpentersville…each of these places have a piece of my heart and are a little of my home. (Or a lot. ;))

It makes my heart heavy to look at those pictures. If you would, please say a prayer for the people of Creston and other towns and cities who were hit badly by tornadoes over the weekend. There’s a lot of cleanup and rebuilding to do…but they’ll do it. And come out stronger in the end.

Feeling pretty blessed today.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, family, just life, remembering, where I am

Living Life

April 11, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

When I look at my daughter, I just…

Smile. Really. Big.

She is SO…Mae. Just crazy, lovable, full-of-spunk-and-life, soaking-up-the-simple-but-lovely, WONDERFUL Mae.

I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that God gave us the sweetheart He did because He knew exactly what our family needed. She is more than a beam of sunshine…she IS the sunshine!

And living life with her is all kinds of complete JOY. From the morning greetings through the monitor that announce to the household that she is, indeed, awake and ready to greet the day…to adventures on slides at the park…to splish-splash baths in the middle of the day thanks to an unexpected mac ‘n cheese shampoo…to the nighttime cuddles when closeness is all either of us want.

Oh, I love her so much. SO. MUCH.

Here are some pictures…just life. Living it with people we love.

Oh, what beauty this life is.

The proper way to push a stroller…wearing daddy’s work gloves, of course!

One of her very, very favorite activities! “Ride, ride, ride!”

Stopping to smell the flowers.

Of course, no outing is complete without a stop to visit our favorite friends across the street and their sweet doggie, “Sissy”.

Holding hands while we cross the street…actually, looking back to say one more goodbye to our friends!

Time for a quick picture with mommy at the Easter egg hunt. Too fun! :)

A visit from Aunt Kris after church on Easter. (Maybe we should have taken the picture before we let her eat crackers!) Ooops! Oh, well, I still love her smile…she looks too grown up. 😉

To say she loves “swimming” is an understatement. I can hardly wait to see her joy when she sees what’s going to show up in her backyard this summer! 😉

Good times!

And, of course, swimming is never complete until we splash mommy really, really good! So fun. :)

And even if I did post this a few days ago, it’s worthy of a repeat ’cause I think we’re adorable. Yep. I do. 😀

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, friends, just life, Maelie

Aimless

April 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

If there were ever a day I didn’t want to blog, I think today might be that day.

I think that means that maybe I will blog every day until I die?! (Just so you know, I did not commit to anything here…)

Just sayin’. :)

Blogging feels like that part of my day that’s necessary, the part that’s good for me. Right now, I need it. Maybe a day will come when I don’t, and as strange as that sounds…I need routine and familiar and all that is what my life is. For now.

I hate dark days. I hate them when I’m on the verge of tears, and the more I try to distract myself, the more those tears come.

It wasn’t a bad day. It really wasn’t…I was determined to find some sunshine in it. The problem is that it was so dang cold, even though the sky was blue and the actual sun was shining.

It should have been a day to go to the park and get lost in the swings and the slides and the little animals that she can’t quite balance herself on. Yet. To walk through the neighborhood singing songs like we always do. To sit in the backyard playing with the dogs and the sandless sandbox and the slide and maybe do a little guitar strumming and tune-belting.

But at a whopping 41 degrees, it was NOT a day for any of those JOY-producing things.

Instead, we went to Target to get coffee because I used up the last of it this morning. I figured it would be a good diversion and get us out of the house for an hour. We’d barely walked through the door when we saw a friend from church. We chatted with him for a bit, he shared his coffee with Mae 😉 and then we were on our way.

To do what, I don’t know.

I walked that store for what seemed like forever. I had a list of a few things I needed, but I mostly just wandered aimlessly. It was the most frustrating, confusing trip to the land of familiar that I’ve ever had in my life.

It felt like I was there for a purpose, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

And then I thought about it…how this journey of mommyhood has been just that. And I mean the whole shebang…from adoption to no-adoption to heartache to JOY to finding a way to grieve and be full of that JOY at the same time.

It truly feels like aimless wandering sometimes.

And as I was strolling and pretending like I knew what I needed, I looked down at my girl who was, for once, patiently sitting in the cart. She stared at me, almost as if she were searching my eyes for answers.

I had none. Instead, my eyes filled with tears, and as she stared at me, hers started to fill, too.

I think through those tears, God gave me an answer.

Maybe that there isn’t one.

Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and we grieve and we hurt. And then we go to bed and wake up…and we have a new day with new mercies and new blessings and new chances at JOY and sunshine and a little less hurt.

We took time to remember her a little today. Ice cream and some smiles and some wondering, but not too much.

Because we don’t truly need answers when we know Who holds us.

Looking forward to the bright hope that is tomorrow.

He is Good.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, just life, Maelie, remembering, Tobin, where I am

Oh, Monday Night…

April 9, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I don’t know why this blog-late-on-Monday-night thing is continuing, but it is.

Oh, well.

Here I sit at the computer, eating toast and trying to think of coherent thoughts to share with you all.

Current time? 10:14 p.m.

And, by the way, toast is my comfort food. Really. I like it best with honey butter, but since we didn’t have any, I’m having cinnamon toast, which is almost as good. 😉

I thought you should know that.

You know…so if I’m ever having a bad day you can bring me toast or something. Haha. 😉

I’ve debated whether to go deep tonight or to just talk about toast.

Deep wins. At least, I think.

So, here we go.

And if you prefer less-deep thoughts, feel free to go on your merry way, knowing now that I love toast. See, it’s not a total loss. 😀

So, what’s funny about the way I’m writing this is that it would be exactly the same way if I were having a conversation with one of you. I’d make a joke or two and avoid the issue for awhile before bringing it up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be sad. And also because I’m debating whether to rant or to cry.

It’s just that no one talks about losing a baby.

It’s like that taboo topic…the one thing you just don’t touch. I have talked about it before…once or twice. In almost 450 blog posts. You get the idea.

And, even if I talk about it, what I don’t talk about is the confusing grief that comes along with it.

Like the fact that I sometimes feel guilty grieving a baby that, if here, would mean that Mae wouldn’t be.

Tomorrow is April 10th…it would have been Isabel’s due date. She’d be two. Tomorrow.

I refuse to cry for the entire day, but I’d be lying if I tell you that my heart’s not struggling a bit. Mostly because I want to remember her. It bothers me that there are no tangible reminders of her around our house. We have an ornament we bought for her, and that’s on the tree at Christmas.

But that’s it.

Everything in me wants to put a little angel on the wall next to all of Maelie’s photos. Or a little quote. Or something. Anything.

But it’s just not done, you know?

So sometime this week we’re going to plant some daisies. A little reminder.

And what you need to know…or, maybe I just need to tell you for my sake…is that I as I spend each day with Maelie, her presence fills our house with more laughter and love and JOY than I ever thought possible.

I never ONCE regretted Maelie…and I love her so much it makes my heart feel like it’s gonna explode. :)

But I still think of Isabel often, and I still tear up sometimes. And wonder.

And that’s why it’s so confusing.

We’re not meant to understand everything, and I guess this is just one of those things. I know I’m certainly not the only person who’s ever gone through this before…and all I can do is trust in His bigger plan.

And love.

Love the amazing little girl I get to wrap my arms around every day. Love her and cherish each moment we’re given.

And be thankful that I get to love another little girl, too…one that I’ll hold someday.

:)

Thanks for listening, friends. I’m glad you’re here.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, remembering, where I am

Happy Easter!

April 8, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, family, Maelie, Tobin

Currently…

March 17, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Borrowed this from a fellow blogger.

In an effort to not think too hard…it is the weekend, after all. 😉

Enjoy. :)

Current Books: Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider…reading it slowly to digest it and actually apply it to life. Beginning a new Bible study book, Effective Parenting in a Defective World by Chip Ingram…looking forward to it. Just finished a Karen Kingsbury on the plane, Leaving. Problem is I scored that one super cheap…the other three in the series roll in at a whopping $10 each. I’ll be borrowing those from the library. But definitely a good read.

Current Playlist: No particular artists but lately lovin’ anyone who’s “redone” a hymn, like the one I posted a few weeks ago. Also have a playlist for running that I listen to. When I run. 😉 The rest of the playlist is whatever I’m singin’ at the time. Works for me. :)

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Does The Bachelor count? I didn’t watch the whole season, just here or there, but my interest was definitely piqued with the finale. I truly don’t know what Ben was thinking…or that he was thinking…but I wish love for him and Courtney. Truly.

Current Colors: Always a fan of green. Really liking it with brown and cream right now, too.

Current Fetish: Flip flops. Always. Especially when the weather is summer in March. Score.

Current Food: Um…don’t laugh. String Cheese. Craved it the whole time we were gone. Something about a good shot of protein with just a few calories.

Current Drink: Two. Of course. Coffee…with whatever creamer I have in my fridge. :) And lately, liking Cherry Coke Zero. Both much better with a dear friend and a heart-spilling chat.

Current Favorite Favorite: Music. Love it all. (Well, mostly.) I sang through my whole run this morning. Not sure how I sounded, but the world…was just brighter this morning. Waved at a few drivers I recognized, belted out All I Need (Bethany Dillon), and soaked in the moments of the sun on my face. Music.

Current Wishlist: I don’t really have a list of wants other than shorts that fit ;). If I could wish for something, it would be that balance in life came more easily. I’m trying…and jet lag has helped with it the last few mornings. I’ve woken up so early and had so much time to accomplish things before the daily grind of life began. Morning coffee, Bible reading, laundry, blogging, running…have all happened before I needed to get Mae up for the day. Maybe I’m wishing that this trend can continue. I think it could be very, very good. Oh, and maybe I’ll wish that my book will get published this year…well, once I finish it. 😉

Current Needs: New black flip flops. Whether those are actually a need…it doesn’t really matter, probably.

Current Triumphs: How does one answer this without bragging? Or at least sounding like it. Being a pound away from my goal weight is definitely a triumph…and the fact that I decided weeks ago not to obsess over a number on the scale anymore.

Current Bane-of-my-Existence: I’m not, in general, particularly annoyed with anything right now. I really try to look on the sunny side of the street…and walk there ’cause it’s much warmer, too!

Current Celebrity Crush: Totally my hubby. He’s famous to me. :)

Current Indulgence: Today I finished round 2 of the Biggest Loser competition with my friends at church. And I am eating a big chocolate chip cookie sometime today to celebrate. And maybe some pizza, too!

Current Mood: JOYful. Allowing the JOY to seep into every moment…because life is good even when things are hard. I am blessed, I am loved, I am His…and that’s enough.

Current #1 Blessing: Family, friends…and the JOY they add to life.

Current Slang or Saying: Golly, Miss Molly… (to Mae); Oy… Aduh… (that one never changes)

Current Outfit: Brown cargo shorts, purple tank top, flip flops with rhinestones that are, sadly, falling apart.

Current Link: Um, I don’t know? I really, really like these shoes. I could add them to my wishlist, maybe. 😉 You can find them here.

Current Quote: I spent some time reading in Romans this morning when I got home from my run…the sun was shining, there was coffee made, and I couldn’t NOT sit on the front porch and soak it all in. Chapter 8 was particularly meaningful today, though no one verse stands out. But I also spent my Valentine’s Amazon money (finally) and bought the devotional, Jesus Calling, for my Kindle. And today’s thoughts were exactly what I needed to read. This stood out:

“Rejoice in the One who understands you completely and loves you perfectly. As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.”

Wow…I want that to be me.

Current Photo: Um, bread, anyone?!?! (Sorry, I had to talk about it one more time!!!) 😉

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, family, friends, just life, Maelie, Tobin, where I am

Pajama Monday and a Recap of Last Week

January 2, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

So I managed to get sick…I guess flu shots don’t make a person immune from everything floating around during the season, huh? I had decided on Saturday that my scratchy throat was nothing more than that and figured mind over matter was more important.

It didn’t work this time.

Bummer.

But only a little bummer…definitely choosing to count my blessings today.

For one thing, Maelie slept in until 8:30, which was very much appreciated by her mama!

Then when she got up, all she wanted to do was play with her kitchen and doll and new alphabet toy, which was just fine with me!

We turned on the Rose Parade, played with lots of toys, and spent the morning (ahem…the whole day…ahem) in our pj’s. Well, one of us did.

😉 (Haven’t done that in a long time!)

I think we both needed a down day after the busyness of last week.

We had a wonderful time in Minnesota with family. I especially enjoyed seeing Maelie finally able to play with her cousins. She’s definitely smaller and can’t keep up as well, but that didn’t stop her from trying and getting so excited to be around them. It was a fun memory, and I’m so glad everyone was able to make the trip to be together.

While we were in Minnesota, we were also able to see a few friends.

I had lunch with my good friend, Sara, and we also visited a family from a church we used to attend when we lived there. Christen was in the youth group we helped with, and she has a daughter just a few weeks older than Mae.

I had been wanting the two of them to play together and was happy to see them hit it off.

Mae LOVED her Cozy Coupe…guess what we’ll be watching for on Craigslist?!

We came home on Thursday and Friday and the weekend were busy with different get-togethers.  We spent New Year’s Eve with Jonny and Kris eating Chinese and playing cards and we actually made it to almost 1 a.m., which I think could be my personal record.

Yes, friends, contrary to what you believe about this party girl, I love my sleep.

😉

Then last night, our friends from Indonesia, David and Tiff, came over for dinner.

We got to meet their sweet baby girl, Luisa, and it was so good to catch up with them.

But today? We’re tired.

Definitely a good day for the pj’s.

But also a day to count blessings…because there are so many of them.

So thankful. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, family, friends, just life

Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2011 by · 2 Comments

 

From my family to you…Wishing you a jo

yous Christmas as we celebrate the birth of our Savior!

Sig

Filed Under: family, friends
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