The Skinny(er)

May 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment

So I’m sitting here with a too-late cup of coffee, deciding how to do this.

But I promised you all, after the pics yesterday, and so here’s the skinny…or at least the skinny(er). 😉

So, I’m sure most moms can relate to the extra poundage that hangs on after having a baby.

For some reason, I had it in my mind that the 44 pounds I gained with Maelie would just magically disappear once I started breastfeeding. What I hadn’t anticipated were difficulties with latching, making it necessary for me to pump around the clock for months. (Ugh…there I go reminding myself.) And for whatever reason, the weight, which was supposed to come off…didn’t.

In the fall after Maelie was born, I started running again. It took me a long time to build back up the endurance I’d had before I got pregnant. I set a goal to run a 5k that November, and I did run it…but there’s no way I’m sharing my time with you all! :) During that time of running and training, I continued to eat whatever I wanted.

I think, in some ways, food became that stability. It wasn’t like I was gaining a lot…I just wasn’t losing anything. But at a time when everything was new…city and neighborhood (COUNTRY, for that matter), friends, church…at least there was always chocolate and Chicago deep-dish and pretzels. (And a lot of other things.)

Last summer, I finally got serious (or, at least thought I did) and joined a Biggest Loser competition with some friends. I worked out religiously…5-6 times a week. However, I didn’t?

Stop eating whatever I wanted.

At the end of  the summer, after losing only a few pounds, I knew I had pinpointed a problem.

Food had started overtaking me.

Gosh, that’s hard to admit. I’m really, really struggling with hashing this out for you all…just being honest.

Tobin, Maelie, and I went to Mississippi for a week in September to see some good friends. While we were there, I found some inspiration in the form of my friend, Sarah. She had worked really, really hard and looked fantastic…after having three kids in less than four years, no less. She told me a few things that had worked for her, and I decided I needed to do something.

I came home, joined another round of the Biggest Loser, got rid of the bad food in our house, and got serious.

I counted calories…1,000-1,200 a day.

Plus a workout or two each day. (I let myself take a day off every week.)

It worked…in nine weeks, I was down 22 pounds and just 14 shy of my goal weight.

I survived the holidays, only gaining a couple pounds back, and joined yet another round of the BL.

Ten weeks later, I was one pound from my goal. (Which I did eventually reach.)

Yeah, so I totally realize that if I stop here and post this as it currently is, I do sound like a brat.

So, bear with me, ok?

This journey was a good one for me. I needed to get myself into better shape. I needed to be healthy. I needed to stop squeezing my size 14 into a size 12. 😉

I needed to feel better about myself.

Yes, it was a good journey. (And it’s not over! My goal now? To stay here!)

But, it was also a hard one.

I battled through a lot…I learned a lot. I was humbled a lot.

And maybe sharing this will help someone.

I learned…

First and foremost, that no amount of weight loss and skinny can make a person truly beautiful. One day, after an especially frustrating morning in which I was NOT a good mommy, I caught myself staring at my reflection in the mirror and thinking about how good I looked. But the truth is? I. Felt. Ugly. I’d said things, done things that day that didn’t honor my Father and didn’t show Maelie that I loved her. I was reminded that morning (and am being continually reminded) that having a beautiful heart is so much more important than having a beautiful body.

Also? That any obsession apart from my Father is wrong. There were days when I was SO focused. I HAD to get that second workout in before I went to bed. I HAD to burn this-many calories before I could end the day. And those things? Got in the way of time I could have spent in His Word, in prayer…growing in Grace. There is nothing wrong with having a goal, but when that goal takes away from what’s really important, then it needs to re-evaluated.

I have to admit to you that I continually work on that one. Sometimes it’s hard to miss that workout or run because of something more important.

God also taught me something that I never thought I’d share here…but I feel like I should.

He gave me a glimpse of what it was like for someone who struggles with anorexia. Because I think, at one point, I was headed down that road. Every waking thought was about food. I obsessed to the point of not eating enough and working out too much. All I could think about was clothing sizes and being “skinny”…and it began to overtake my mind.

Thankfully, I recognized it…and that was totally from God. I had a pretty tough conversation with a friend, who was really gentle with me but also pretty honest. After talking with her, I knew I had to recognize the fact that this obsession could potentially be dangerous.

I don’t think I ever reached the point of anorexia, but I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I asked two friends to keep me accountable. To ask me if I’d eaten enough…and to check in on me. I needed that.

Since that time last November, God has been really good. He’s teaching me to find balance and ways to stay healthy without overly obsessing if I miss a run or eat a cupcake. (Or twelve!) 😉 He’s working on my heart in ways that are painful but necessary. He’s teaching me so much about loving what He’s created and being satisfied in who I am.

That doesn’t mean I’m there at all…but He’s working on me.

I never understood people who struggled with eating disorders before this journey, and perhaps He gave me this glimpse to help me to be more empathetic. I get it…or at least a small part of it…now.

So often, we focus on becoming what society has termed acceptable. We have it in our head that a number on a scale is what’s most important. And it’s not. Because I’ll tell you that that number goes up and down a little. And if it goes up by two? I can’t let it ruin my day. Or my week. I just have to keep going.

I can’t think of a way to end this.

Maybe by having a good cry? (Because I could sure go for one about now!) 😉

Maybe just to encourage you…to keep your focus where it needs to be. And if part of it is on losing weight…that’s OK. As long as you don’t forget about the other things that are important, too.

I’m really thankful for the last eight months…and for me, the hardest part is yet to come. Because, as with any goal, sometimes when you “arrive” is when you start to slack. I’m working hard to not do that. I’m also really thankful that, on this earth, we never “arrive” spiritually…He continues to mold and shape our hearts if we’ll let Him.

God is GOOD, isn’t He? Find some time today to thank Him for what He’s done. :)

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, being mommy, blessings, church, encouragement, friends, just life, Maelie, running, what I'm learning, where I am

Before and After

May 14, 2012 by · 8 Comments

Monday night…

Workout…

Up late…

Trying NOT to feel guilty about the…ahem…DOZEN mini red-velvet cupcakes I ate over the weekend…

Darn you, Mother’s Day, and the way you let me think I can dismiss any and all calories I consume because you are a holiday.

😉

Of course I’m kidding…it was a wonderful day and worth every extra calorie, even if it means I’m going to be working it all off for a few days!

Anyway, here are a couple pics. It’s a good night to post them.

Story/thoughts coming tomorrow, mostly ’cause I’m still thinking.And trying desperately not to brag and sound like a completely self-centered brat while talking about weight loss. (Is that possible?) I hope so…’cause I really don’t want to be like that.

Ok, I’ll quit. :) The pics.

So, this is me before…Tob said it was the best picture of all the ones we had. Ok, then. I honestly have a hard time looking at this photo…and I really dislike my hair color, too, but that is irrelevant. 😉

And, this is me last Saturday. I’ll tell you more about how I actually got here tomorrow. :) (Sorry, I just don’t have the words tonight.) And, as a bonus, you also get the sweetest dog in the universe…my Andre boy, who just wouldn’t get out of the picture!

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, just life, what I'm learning, where I am

On Giving Up the Grudge

May 9, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Tonight is a not-so-short account of some stuff I need to share. Sorry for the length and scattered thoughts, but maybe you will connect with where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading. :)

When it came time for me to choose a college after high school, I chose a small Baptist college in Iowa, which I attended for five years. (Yeah, five…I crammed four years in that way. ;))

Names aren’t necessary…I mean, there aren’t that many Bible colleges in Iowa; I’m sure you could look up the grit if you feel like it.

Attending there was a decision I made with quite a bit of pressure from some people who were very influential in my life at the time. I think I chose the college mostly to please them; I had previously been accepted to a liberal arts Christian college in Hannibal, Missouri, which I was SO excited about. But, being that it wasn’t strictly Baptist, I think it’s fair to say I was somewhat guilted into changing my mind.

So I did.

And I will also admit to you that I never even looked at the handbook to my college of choice until I arrived on campus for freshman orientation. I think that alone says a lot about how eager I was to “do the right thing” in the eyes of people I knew were watching every move I made.

When I arrived, I was surprised (overwhelmed? shocked? horrified?) with the many rules I was being forced to obey willingly. (Yes, that oxymoron was intended.)

Everything was dictated, down to when I could wear jeans (almost never) and what kind of music I could listen to (hymns and classical only) to what kind of shoes were appropriate for classroom dress (read: NOT yellow jellies…ooops!) and what kind of outside activities were unacceptable (movies, single-dating, dancing, etc.)

Really, the list goes on and on (and on and on) and the purpose this post is not to bring all of this to light. If you’re that interested, feel free to check out the handbook online; I am fairly certain that it has not changed all that much since I graduated in 2001. (Although the women don’t have to wear nylons anymore, and for that, I think I will always be a little bitter. ;))

What this IS about is the grudge against this institution that I held for a decade or longer.

The grudge that was slowly tearing me up.

The grudge that was doing more damage to the person holding it than it was to those against which it was held.

When you’re in a position where every decision is practically made for you, when it feels like the number of things that are not acceptable to do with free time is greater than what’s acceptable, when it feels like freedom to go home for Christmas break and wear jeans…

That’s when some negative feelings start to seep in.

And it’s easy to let them take over.

If you know me at all (or have read the blog for very long), you know that I have obviously changed quite a bit since that phase in my life. Jeans are my clothing of choice, year round. I wear tank tops. I go to movies. I attend a Lutheran church (Which I love, love, love.) with both traditional and contemporary services and (gasp!) drums and a worship band which I sing with sometimes. (More love, love, love.) I read versions of the Bible other than the KJV, I’ll go to the occasional girls’ night out, and I read books like Confessions of a Shopaholic and the Hunger Games. (Did I mention I’m going to the movie next week? Can’t wait!!!)

And I also really try to live each day by walking in the Grace that I have been so freely given.

But I do have to confess that I’ve far too many conversations with people as I process (and laugh about) the multitude of rules and regulations I was forced to obey at this school. It’s a great conversation piece since most of my friends have never been subjected to this kind of environment…and yet, I know that there are some bitter feelings buried.

Or, not-so-buried.

And here’s the thing…I did agree to go there. I did sign a paper saying I’d obey. And for the most part, I did…though there was that time two of my roommates and I hid a hamster in our dorm room. And the time that we cranked up At the Beginning from Anastasia and sang and danced to it until we were laughing so hard we couldn’t stand it. I guess we’d call those moments of rebellion, but they sure did create memories. And. So. Much. Laughter.

Five years of all of this, for better or worse…it’s how I spent my introduction to adulthood.

Two weeks ago Maelie and I made a trip to Iowa. After we’d met some friends for dinner on Tuesday night, I had to practically drive right by the college to get to my friend’s house where we’d spend the night. (It was two blocks out of the way.)

I hadn’t even seen the campus for probably eight years, and I have to admit to you that my heart pounded as I approached NW 4th Street, but I did it.

I drove by.

Rolled down my window.

And whispered…

It’s over.

And with that, I made the decision to give up being bitter.

I can’t get those years back, but who can change the past?

What good is going to do me to hold on to this grudge?

Zero…it’s only going to hurt me.

Why would I do that to myself?

When I am truly honest with myself, it wasn’t all bad. I got an amazing foundation in the Bible. (Well, minus the 7 a.m. classes that I was never mentally present for. ;)) I made some lifelong friends. I had the chance to travel with a vocal ensemble and handbell group…which were both really, really fun…and there’s zero sarcasm there.

And it is almost certain that I would never have met Tobin and be where I am if I hadn’t gone there.

What I took away from that school was far greater than what it took from me.

And that’s the truth, even though I feel sometimes like I was gypped out of being an adult. (Thankfully, I am mostly still sane…though I think I need to turn off comments on this post to keep you from countering that!) 😉

So I gave up the grudge.

Decided to focus on the blessings that came out of it AND the ones right in front of me.

Life is good…and it’s also not perfect for anyone.

And I’ll choose to make the best of it and find the JOY that is all around.

Because God is GOOD…and He always will be.

What about you? I’m curious if you’ve ever struggled to let go of some bad feelings. Please share. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, friends, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Five-Minute Friday: Community

April 27, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, or overthinking. Just write. :)

Today’s Topic: Community

The morning I stepped into that foreign room in a place that made my heart pound, I had no idea that it held the friends who would become my community.

The place where we’d dig deep, share, laugh, sometimes-cry, always-love.

They made me feel so welcome from the first moments…this new girl struggling through the harsh realities of relocation once again, new-mommyhood, and mega identity-crisis. The perfect combination. 😉

It took a few weeks, but slowly the walls started to crumble, I allowed the tears to fall, and my heart began to soften. And as my story…and their stories…began to intertwine, I knew that God had given me a gift in this group of women.

In this community.

Thursday mornings are a cherished part of the week for me. Whether we study for the entire hour and a half or we talk first for the first hour, that time spent with these beautiful sisters is so good for my soul and my heart.

Because despite differences and preferences, we can all come together and love, laugh…and just be.

Which is so, so important in community.

They make me feel valued, loved, appreciated…and I hope I make them feel that way, too.

I just love them. So much.

This community…is so much my life. And for it, I am thankful.

And…this is what I’m doing tomorrow. It’s still not too late to register and tune in! For a cool $10, they’ll send you a shirt, a pack of greeting cards, and you’ll get access to some pretty incredible sessions and speakers. A friend and I watched the Friday sessions this afternoon, and they were great. Think about it if you’ve got a few hours to spare tomorrow! :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, church, encouragement, Five Minute Friday, friends, just life, where I am

Afternoon Tea

April 21, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Golly, I sound so British…tea?!

No, really, here’s the scoop. Afternoon=I-have-tons-to-do-before-Maelie-and-I-leave-tomorrow; Tea=let’s-fight-this-sore-throat.

Though I much prefer coffee, tea it is today.

And a quick chat. Not too long ’cause I’ve got plenty I need to do!

So life is kind of crazy right now, and I honestly can’t believe that I’m carving out time this afternoon to write. I think it’s more for my sanity…a chance to catch my breath. (And not fold laundry, pack, etc.) Maelie and I are headed out tomorrow after church for Iowa. We have about 5 1/2 hours to make a 5 hour trip…and we’ll need to throw at least one stop in there. We could be late, but I’d rather not be.

But I’ll have to tell you why later ’cause…shhhhh…it’s a surprise!

Then we’ll spend Monday and Tuesday in Creston, which will be interesting. I’ve been warned that it’s pretty tough seeing the damage and devastation and that there’s still a lot of cleaning up that needs to be done. Crazy how a storm that lasts for minutes (even seconds) can cause damage that will take years to rebuild.

Then we’ll drive up to Des Moines on Tuesday afternoon and spend the night and part of Wednesday with my two best friends. Oh, good times…I love those two so much!

Then it’s back home Wednesday night…I’m hoping we won’t get in too late, probably 10ish. Which is late enough. 😉

So we’d appreciate your prayers, especially as I navigate the world of road-trips-on-my-own-with-a-toddler. I’ll admit I’m a little stressed about it all…and maybe a little scared. I was reading Jesus Calling and yesterday’s topic was about being strong and courageous.

I guess that includes 5-6 hour road trips alone. We’re in His hand, so it’s all good. 😉

Happy weekend, all! Hugs.

 

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, just life, Maelie, travel, where I am

A Heart Spill

April 17, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I just started a pot of coffee. (It’s 9:15 p.m.)

It could potentially be a long chat tonight. (And if it’s not, hey…hubby will have iced coffee in the morning. ;))

So for the last few days…I’ve kinda fluffed my way around the blog. I didn’t really write junk…I just wrote things that didn’t make me think too hard. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

But putting those thoughts into words on a blog is much more difficult than the actual thinking. (I write some pretty great bestsellers in my head!)

I’m not sure how to process this…so I may just let my thoughts spill and see where they go. I apologize, in advance, if you hopped over here for Mel’s witty take on life. Maybe tomorrow. :)

By the way, you may have noticed that the blog is different? Yeah. I’m in the middle of updating some things and figured…if I can’t change the past, at least I can change my blog!

So I really hate those nights when I KNOW I need to share something. (Or a million somethings.)

It has been a really discouraging week. I can’t count the number of times that uninvited tears have overflowed and made my eyeliner run all over the place. Or how often I’ve felt so exhausted and drained that doing anything has felt impossible. Or how often, out of sheer exhaustion and impatience, I’ve raised my voice at Mae.

On Saturday (following several days of this), Tobin and I knew we needed to get out of the house, and the three of us went to Menards. Mae did fine for the first part of the trip and started to get fussy toward the end. While we were waiting in line to check out, I gave her a tiny sip of my coffee to calm her down. (Judge me now. Enough people in line were doing it.) I could feel their eyes burning at me, and to make matters worse…that one sip only made her want more. She started screaming, Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! After a few seconds, when it became apparent that this wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, I picked her up, took her outside, and carried her across the entire parking lot to our van while she continued her rant.

I could feel people staring at me, and it only reiterated the thought that I’m a bad mommy.

Lie.

Add to it the fact that for some reason, Indonesia keeps coming back to me…and not in good ways.

Here’s the thing. We loved it there. (Most of the time.) But we also struggled, and it was no secret to anyone that we were ready for what was next. I don’t believe we left on bad terms, though I do know that God definitely had something else for us and that He moved us on at the right time.

Lately I’ve been seeing pictures on facebook and hearing stories of how great my former students are doing…and I’m filled with questions and, often, regret. Don’t misunderstand me…I completely loved them and am thrilled that they’re thriving. But it makes me wonder…

Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? Did I let them know how much they mean to me? Was I a terrible teacher?

More lies.

Tobin and I have been through one of our more difficult seasons of marriage recently. The details don’t belong here, we’re working through things, and we really are ok even if there are tough days. But there are also those times when I look around the house and see a total disaster…a sink full of dirty dishes, clothes thrown around the bedroom, a nursery floor covered with books and toys or we exchange less-than-kind words…and I start believing that I am bad at this wife thing.

You know, the lies are really starting to get to me.

It’s been a silent week. The kind where friends are busy and plans don’t happen like I thought they might. My phone has been pretty quiet and my social interaction pretty limited. For an extrovert who thrives on being busy and social, this is possibly the worst kind of week. And even though I know it’s not me, I start to believe that my friends don’t want me.

I’m ready to squash satan’s lies.

Really.

The fact is that I know, as a mommy, I have my days. We all do. But I also have DAYS…the ones when Maelie and I have the best time ever together and we laugh all day long and have adventures and soak up every moment of this precious, mother-daughter bond. We make memories that will be etched in my mind forever and, hopefully soon, in hers.

That’s truth.

It’s also fact that, though Indonesia wasn’t perfect, it was still time that wasn’t wasted. While we don’t know the kind of impact we had, we know that we were impacted and left there feeling completely blessed for having the chance to be part of what God is doing there. We got to love some pretty amazing students and grow with some incredible friends.

More truth.

I believe with everything in me that satan will try everything to destroy a marriage. Tobin and I aren’t perfect and we’re fully aware of that, but we love each other, and we love our Father. We’re both guilty of letting things like a dirty kitchen and selfish moments take over our days…but at the end of those days, we love each other and we’re committed.

Complete truth.

And while I’ve had a lonely week, sometimes I forget that being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One thing I don’t do well is be still…and maybe that’s a lesson He’s trying to teach me. To take those times I feel alone and let Him fill that void. My first instinct, rather than to grab my Bible, is to grab my cell phone. He always meets me exactly where I am, with exactly what I need for the day.

He is Truth.

I guess I share all of this to ask you to pray for me. Please pray…

…that I’ll be able to throw regret out the window and live fully in the present.

…that I’ll choose to ignore satan’s lies and walk in Truth.

…that I’ll strive to live a life that pleases Him every single day. 

He’s Good…and His Truth is just that.

True.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, friends, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, marriage, prayer, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Life in 700ish Words or Less

March 29, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Maybe tomorrow I’ll switch things up and have hot chocolate or something, but I’m just feelin’ the coffee thing this week. It could be that I’m just tired and desperately trying to keep my eyes open…last night was interesting.

I actually fell asleep pretty early (for me) last night…around 10:30. I slept great until around 4:30 when Mae woke up crying. I checked on her and realized the poor girl, who’d been having tummy issues the day before, had blown through another diaper…all over her pj’s, all over her sheets. (Thankfully NOT all over her blanket and stuffed animals.)

She was so sad and miserable that I just wanted to pick her up and snuggle her, but I had to clean her up first, which took enough time. Once she was in a dry diaper and clean pj’s, we had time to cuddle…oh, it was wonderful, even if it was at 4:30 a.m. 😉

I am completely convinced that Mae is now making up for all the snuggling she didn’t do as an infant. She’s a cuddly sweetheart, and I gladly oblige.

Thankfully, after a song or two and some snuggly moments, she went down again with just a few tears. I threw in a load of laundry and crashed again for a couple of hours.

And while my daughter slept til almost nine and woke up rarin’ to go, I didn’t.

It was kind of a blah, drink-a-pot-of-coffee, kind of morning. Thankfully we had plans to meet a friend at the park for an hour or so. Even though the weather was only upper 40’s, the sun was shining, it was a gorgeous day, and Mae and I both had a great time…though she needs to understand that one needs to SIT properly before trying to go down a slide. 😉

When we left the park, I swung by Target to get some Pedialyte to help her tummy. (She thinks it’s juice…I’ll just let her think that for awhile. ;)) Then we headed home for our usual. Lunch, play, stories, snack, nap.

I know I say it all the time, but I feel completely blessed to be able to stay home with my daughter. I love soaking up the simple moments that make our days.

Next week I’m going to start taking guitar lessons from a friend. I’m excited. Yes, it’s one of my 12 in 2012, but I’m excited to potentially progress beyond the self-taught, I-can’t-play-bar-chords, level at which I currently am. I’d really love to play for praise team sometime…I guess we’ll see. At any rate, I’m looking forward to it. :)

So y’all read my post yesterday about the Reese’s eggs? Yeah. I forgot to mention I sorta love jellybeans, too. I am really, really thankful that I waited til less than two weeks before Easter to cave. Less time to consume so much sugar.

So…just a blogging pet peeve of mine. Also, one that proves that though I am very fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants and easygoing, I do have perfectionistic tendencies. WordPress is slowly killin’ me, I think…their formatting for archives is atrocious. Pretty much anything that is even a few weeks old is completely messed up. (Please don’t go look.)

So my goal for April is to update what needs to be updated (which I’m not great about), find a new layout for the blog (which I’m excited about), and try not to care as much (which I’m not sure I can do).

Ugh. Everytime I look at older things I’ve written I just cringe.

And, yet, it reminds me that sometimes things in life are just what they are. We have to accept them and keep going with life and not let ourselves worry and fret over what we can’t change.

God has been teaching me so much lately about trusting Him with things…doing what I can and leaving the rest to Him. It’s cliche, but it’s true.

He does have it figured out.

I know I keep quoting Jesus Calling, but the devotion for today was so exactly where I am.

Maybe it’ll bless you, too. :)

“A life lived close to Me is not complicated or cluttered. When your focus is on My Presence, many things that once troubled you lose their power over you. Though the world around you is messy and confusing, remember that I have overcome the world.”

I love the reminders He gives, just when we need them. :)

G’nite!

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, coffee, encouragement, just life, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am

Yes, I Drink Caffeine at Night. Sometimes Late.

March 21, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Hi, my name is Mel, and I’m a coffee addict.

I know that’s shocking news to all of you.

So it’s 9 p.m…and a pot of coffee kind of night. Or at least a cup.

It wasn’t a bad one at all…it was actually a really good day.

But I don’t feel like I’ve sat down much…so bring on a cup ‘o joe, my pj pants, and some quality time for me and the blog!

I like to chat about life…what’s up, what’s down, what I’m learning, how He’s working. So let’s talk about that, k? And hopefully, I’ll get through the conversation on just one cup of coffee because, really, I shouldn’t be drinking more than that this late.

Even coffee addicts need sleep. 😉

What’s up? Lots of stuff.

My days are full of Mae…she is such the sunshine. It’s melts my heart and makes me smile really big to see the way she blesses the lives of people around her. She is JOY and random hellos and handshakes and hugs and complete love all rolled up into a pretty stinkin’ cute, albeit slightly-messy-haired, little girl.

And I am incredibly blessed to spend my days with her.

The temperature lately has been UP…therefore my desire for a tan has been elevated, too. :) Truthfully, I’m not the sun worshipper I used to be, but, hey, if there can actually be a tan in March, why not?! I got some good color in Spain and have been able to keep it thanks to Chicago’s glorious, eight consecutive, days of 80’s and sunny.

Love.

The weather has been completely awesome for running, too…I can’t remember ever going for an early morning run in March in a tank top and shorts. Ever. That is motivation enough to get me out of bed at 6:15. Truthfully, I like running in the morning just for the simple fact that I’m done for the day. I don’t particularly like “looking forward” to running because I don’t really “look forward” to running. :) But I like the way I feel after, so I guess that’s a good tradeoff.

What’s down?

Certainly not gas prices. Ugh. But I don’t want to analyze those too much.

The amount of time that Maelie naps during the day is definitely down. I’ve seen this coming…she’s slowly cutting back on her afternoon napping…secretly, I think she just wants to play outside more. :) I have to accept the fact that she’s almost two…it’s the inevitable. Rats…I was hoping she’d take four hour naps til she was six…like her mommy did. True.

But what ISN’T down is her energy level. She just goes and goes and goes. And I think people fall in love with her because she’s so outgoing and loving and just…crazy, big-hearted, Mae. I love her oodles for it, even when I wish she’d sit down for two minutes. 😉

What I’m learning?

Tons…where to even begin.

I’m looking forward to learning more about the wonderfully crazy journey of parenting at Mom’s Bible study. We’re starting a new book, and I really am looking forward to it. I love being a mommy, but I also know that there’s a lot of godly wisdom out there that will help me become much better at it.

I guess this one ties into the next one…

What’s He doing?

I mentioned a few days ago that I bought the book Jesus Calling for my Kindle.

Came across this a couple days ago. I found it challenging, convicting, and, truthfully, I am still chewing on it. I want to process it more with you all, but now is not the time.

But I’ll leave you with it because it’s that good.

“Holiness is letting Me live through you. Since I dwell in you, you are fully equipped to be holy. Pause before responding to people or situations, giving My Spirit space to act through you. Hasty words and actions leave no room for Me; this is atheistic living. I want to inhabit all your moments–gracing your thoughts, words, and behavior.”

Wow.

G’nite, friends.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, coffee, encouragement, just life, Maelie, running, what I'm learning, where I am

Found

March 18, 2012 by · 6 Comments

I had kind of an aha! moment the other day.

Well, at least it was aha! for me…and maybe you can relate. Or maybe not. Either way, I’ll share. :)

So, a little background…

When I signed up for facebook several years ago, I was pretty tight with my security settings. And over the years, my hubby has made sure that I keep them updated.

That’s because I don’t want people knowing everything about me.

In fact, if you go and try to find me on Facebook, chances are you won’t just by typing in my name. (Unless we’re already friends.)

That’s because  I don’t want to be found.

I thought about that the other day as I searched for a friend on facebook and couldn’t find her.

I often put up walls. I have for years. In my mind, I think that if there are walls and people can’t get in, then I’m safe. This has worked well in the Facebook world, for the most part. In real life,  I have really tried to let them down and have succeeded, for the most part. I want those relationships…those friendships.

But what about in my relationship with my Father?

Over the past few days, I’ve stopped to consider those walls that I’ve unintentionally (or, sometimes intentionally) built to keep Him out, to keep His Word from penetrating my heart.

I attended a Baptist Bible college for five years.

A small glimpse of what that entailed: more Bible classes than non-Bible classes, intense study of the ten main doctrines, hundreds of memorized verses, chapel every day, many papers, hours upon hours of Bible reading, sometimes weekly.

To be blunt, all-things-Bible were crammed down my throat.

And that led up to me building some serious walls around my heart.

The Bible became my textbook…and therefore, was anything but what I wanted when I actually had some down time.

That makes me really sad.

And I noticed a pattern, as I left the Bible college world and went out on my own.

It became easy to gloss over verses, never really taking them to heart. It was even easier to scan a chapter to “say” I’d read my Bible for the day. It was easier than ever to have an emotional moment with a few verses and then move on, forgetting what made me think, going on with my day.

That’s been my problem for the last ten-or-so years…

I’ve put up walls, never letting my Father in.

And in some ways, by putting up those walls, I ran from Him, never wanting Him to find me. To assure me of His love and compassion and grace and sovereignty and power…and, really, the list could go on.

I feel weak admitting these things…knowing in my heart that it’s been a much bigger battle than I’ve ever let on.

But I also know something…that He is bigger than those walls. And despite the fact that I ran, He always held me…keeping me in His care even when I didn’t always want to be there.

I confessed this to you…but I also want to be honest and say that in our searching over the past, almost-two years…God has changed me. I can’t explain it all in a day…I can just tell you that He’s more real than He’s ever been. He’s teaching me about Love and truly living for Him.

And in His power, I’m trying to do those things.

I don’t have it all figured out…but today I know I’m found by Him.

The truth is, He never really lost me.

And that’s pretty amazing.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, church, encouragement, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am

The Caffeine is Flowing…

March 5, 2012 by · 4 Comments

It’s Monday morning, and my humongo mug is full of caffeinated brew.

So. Good.

I am packed…as packed as I can be until tomorrow when I throw the last few bits into my suitcase, zip it up…and that’s that. Maelie is packed, too…though I am sure we’ve forgotten a thing or two. It’ll be ok, though.

I clearly have learned a few things from the multiple trips for which I have packed in five minutes.

Paperwork is done for the girl. While we don’t want to think of anything happening (to her OR us) while we’re gone, we have to be prepared. Just in case. Ugh…kinda makes my stomach twist. Thankfully, we have been blessed, over-and-above-times-a-million, with amazing friends who love our daughter and have our complete trust.

She’s gonna have a good time. :)

And so are we.

So I haven’t really talked about the trip much ’cause I didn’t want to make you all jealous ’cause I haven’t taken much time to actually think about it.

We leave O’Hare tomorrow afternoon and fly into Malaga, Spain, where we’ll take the bus to Marbella, a coastal city about 45 minutes from the airport. I chose it because it’s on the coast and decently near ports to travel to Morocco. When we did a little research, we discovered that Marbella seems to be how we travel.

Beach. Coffee. Surfing. Sun. Making friends. More beach. Definitely more coffee.

And I really can’t wait to surf again. I hope I don’t kill myself. 😉

We’ll check out Marbella on Thursday and then take the ferry to Tangier, Morocco Friday-Saturday. This is my dream. I have always wanted to go to Morocco. I don’t know why…except other cultures fascinate me, and I have a few friends who have been there and loved it. Enough for me. And a big thank you to my hubby for obliging. I know Morocco doesn’t excite him nearly as much.

And we are both definitely looking forward to the food there.

We’ll hop back to Marbella Saturday night and stay til Tuesday morning, when we fly here for a quick 22 hours and 50 minutes. 😉 We hadn’t planned on it originally, but the stopover was free and the opportunity to kiss under the Eiffel Tower was too much to pass up.

Oh, and a random confession…I kinda hope it rains a little while we’re there.

Kissing under the Eiffel Tower in the rain?

Right out of a movie.

(Hey, I can hope.) 😉

We’re so thankful for frequent flier miles so we can do this…it seems like a dream.

So, trip aside, it’s been a wonderful Monday for other reasons.

Going to bed early and getting good sleep…even if I woke up at 5:45 a.m. and wanted tea. So I made some and drank it. 😉

Two wonderful chats with friends from Indonesia. :)

AMAZING news about a former student accepting Christ! :)

Encouraging words from a friend. :)

A couple good ideas passed on from a friend about books to read on our trip. :)

Workout tonight…I’m gonna need it after my calorie binge this weekend! :)

Today Mae and I are just home…finishing up a few little things, hanging together, and just enjoying being mommy and daughter. She is full of sunshine and love…and she blesses my heart every single day.

I’m going to miss her so much while we’re gone.

But I also believe with everything in me that Maelie needs a mommy and daddy who invest in each other, too…and this trip is giving us time to do just that.

So I’m gonna spend my day enjoying the most precious little girl…cry a little when we say goodbye to her tomorrrow…and enjoy every single moment.

Well, my mongo coffee mug…the one I refilled once already…is just about empty. 😉

And I should get back to my girl…Elmo is almost over. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, coffee, encouragement, friends, just life, Maelie, marriage, travel, uncategorized, where I am
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