Today’s one of those days.

I’m gonna kick my shoes off (well, figuratively…I’m already barefoot ;)) and let myself feel and process and just be.

It’s been a long several weeks.

I don’t mean that in a bad way…there’s been a lot of good in those weeks. Like friends and church and VBS and birthday celebrations and farm trips and swimming and playing outside and just soaking up every ounce of summer as it swirls around us.

It’s one of my favorite times of year. (Though, admittedly, I don’t care much what season it is. I just kinda like life. ;))

It comes down to the fact that God has been doing some major twisting and turning in this heart…the one so open to Him yet so fully convinced that life will follow the plan it’s dreamed.

Tobin and I have both realized lately that we have no idea how to settle…and not just physically, though that is a part of it.

We drive down the roads and highways that have become so familiar and talk about how much we like it here. True. It is a good place. We are extremely aware of the permanent U.S. address we have that states Carpentersville, Illinois, and the plates on our vehicles bearing the image of Lincoln. We’ve joined a church, gotten involved, made friends. God has slowly woven this place into our hearts, the people here have become our family, and we love that.

And, yet, there’s a whisper that sometimes comes out as more a deafening cry than anything.

We’re waiting, God. What’s next?!?!

It isn’t a cry we purposely utter nor a sign of discontent at where He has placed us. The truth is that I don’t think on our own we could have found a better place to “land” after Indonesia.

It’s just that our hearts don’t know how to settle and be home, though we desperately want that.

We don’t understand the process of placing roots deep into the ground, though we desire that, not just for ourselves but for our daughter.

We don’t get what it is to stay because we are used to going. And two years in a place is about our average in our married life.

I have been praying for a long time that God would teach me what it is to slow down and be completely content with exactly what He has given. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for Him to do…He’s already given so much. Done so much.

I think what He is asking of me is surrender.

Not just each day…but each moment, each minute, each second.

And, since I’m pretty candid in this space, I’ll tell you that it scares me. Extremely.

As Christians, we (hopefully) walk around letting our lives speak for themselves about the hope we have in our Father because we’ve surrendered. And though I want that, I’m not sure I know how.

Because, for SO long, surrendering a life to Christ meant rule-following and what I term legalism.

I am so thankful we have moved past that and found grace and forgiveness…two things that dramatically changed our lives…and now we are learning that thing called surrender.

And? What it means to completely open our hands and let Him do His thing. 

His Way.

Not mine. His.

I was given a tangible glimpse into the heart of my Father this past weekend as I spent some time catching up with a friend. She has a special place in my heart for many reasons, but whenever I am with her, I leave our time together hungering to know Him better and to learn surrender. She has learned it, and is seeing some pretty awesome results from obedience and letting God work.

I am so excited for the new life she is about to begin on the other side of the world. I can’t wait to hear how He opens doors and provides and showers her with blessings.

He can do awesome things in a heart and life fully surrendered to Him.

I want that…it’s my prayer. Maybe it will become yours, too.

Just where I am tonight…thanks for being here.