Silent Night

December 24, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Silent Night.

And I breathe.

It’s almost 11 p.m.

The presents are wrapped and under the tree, except for the ones from Santa, of course. (I expect he’ll be showing up any moment now.)

The house is presentable, though there is a bit more picking up that needs to be done.

A little girl is (finally) sleeping soundly upstairs.

Our hearts are happy and full from a Christmas Eve spent with some wonderful friends.

And my feet are tired, but they’re propped up at the moment, so all is well.

I told my hubby this morning that it doesn’t seem like it should be December 24th today. I’m not sure where the month went or where my heart went either, for that matter.

It felt like, at times, chaos reigned in my life instead of my Savior; that busyness instead of reflection took over my moments.

My daughter will have a beautiful Christmas day tomorrow, I know that. But I want it to be beautiful for the right reasons…not because (hypothetically, of course) there has been an explosion of Disney Princess love in the living room. 😉

She’s starting to connect already…Baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph, and I never want the importance of what happened on that Christmas so long ago to leave her heart or her mind.

I want her to understand that the baby born in a stable was truly the greatest gift the world has ever seen. Not only that, but on the night he was born…he was born to love her.

To die for her.

Of all the things that her daddy and I can give her for Christmas, modeling that love for Jesus is the greatest of all.

It’s nice to have a silent night…after the busy and the sometimes-crazy.

Wishing you all blessings as you celebrate the birth of our Savior with your friends and family.

Silent night, holy night.
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child,
Holy Infant, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night.
Son of God, Love’s pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace.
Jesus, Lord, at thy birth,
Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, family, friends, Maelie, where I am

and More Honesty

December 17, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I don’t want last Friday to become a theme of my blog.

Because it isn’t about me…though it is where my heart is right now.

And I have to tell y’all the truth…I’m completely and utterly torn. Like, wake-up-at-4:30 a.m.-with-tears-streaking, torn.

In the dark, I whisper why‘s and how‘s and what-if‘s…all of those questions that should never be uttered because I know

Who.

And my sweet girl sleeps soundly in her room, and everything in me aches to lift her from her gonna-be-a-toddler-bed-soon crib, even though it’s the wee hours of the morning, just to feel her heart beating against my chest. How I would gladly sacrifice sleep and a less-tired day for the reassurance at that moment that she is alive and well.

I opt, instead, to tiptoe into her room, rest my sweating and shaking hand upon her chest, and wait until she’s taken a few deep breaths. Satisfied, I leave as quietly as I entered.

But sleep has escaped me and there’s nothing to do but lie there in bed and…pray.

I know my prayers aren’t meaningless and unheard, but how can a person feel that their words to God can mean anything in light of the magnitude of heartbreak enveloping so many lives?

It’s a question I grapple with as I lie there.

The household doesn’t stir for almost an hour an a half more; even the dogs are oblivious to my nighttime restlessness.

I talk to Him. About the families, about those aching. I pray for those I know personally who need extra strength or healing. I talk to Him about my dreams, about my hopes.

I give thanks.

Thanks that I have the blessing of a little girl who is the sunshine.

Thanks, too, for the shadows that preceded the sunshine, because they brought more beauty than I ever dreamed possible.

And in that moment, I remind myself…

Oh, what dark shadows are surrounding these lives right now.

But, oh, what complete beauty will come.

Weeping may last for the night, but joy…JOY…comes in the morning.

He’s promised us this, and so we can know and lean on this Truth.

Oh, Father, we anxiously await the day when You will bring that JOY. And until then, we lift these precious families to You, knowing that You’re holding each of them in Your strong and sovereign grasp.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, friends, just life, Maelie, prayer, where I am

Honest Thoughts

December 16, 2012 by · 4 Comments

I try to be honest in this space.

Obviously, there are things that I don’t tell you, things that don’t need to be shared, and things that just plain don’t belong here.

But I think this particular type of honesty does have a place here, especially after last Friday, a day that will be etched in the minds of most of us for heart-wrenching reasons.

I think that’s why I need to share.

You see, it has been a really, really hard few weeks in the parenting department.

It felt like, almost overnight, my sweet, usually-compliant, full-of-love daughter did a 180.

She and I were constantly butting heads over everything…from helping to pick up toys to getting her diaper changed; from sharing with others to simply doing what mommy asked her to do. She would yell at me, throw temper tantrums, and often hit.

I don’t share these things to embarrass her later in life…goodness, I was two once, and no angel, I’m sure. 😉 And it wasn’t like there weren’t any good moments…it just felt as if the difficult ones overwhelmed everything else.

My meter-o-patience was teetering dangerously toward empty in the middle of last week. It felt like every moment was infiltrated by a toddler determined to do exactly the opposite of what I wanted from her.

And then Friday came.

We had a really good morning together, but by afternoon we’d had a couple rough patches, and I felt like we were both in survival mode until Tobin came home from work.

And then I logged into facebook, which led me to turn on the news, where the tears immediately started to fall.

Little kids. Why, God??? Why little kids?

I’m pretty sure those words came out of my mouth as I buried my head in my hands for a minute or two.

And then I felt her hand on my knee.

Mommy? Mommy? It’s ok. You don’t need to cry.

In an instant she was in my lap, snuggling deep into my left shoulder, allowing herself, uncharacteristically, to be held tightly for several minutes.

The whole time I prayed was a mix of Oh, God, be near and Thank You, Father, that my girl is in my arms.

The crux of it for me? Is that there are going to be Days. Weeks. Stages.

Ones that I don’t love like I should, ones that I squeeze out of my sponge rather than soak up.

I don’t think there’s a parent out there who would say that parenting is easy and without frustration and tears.

The events of Friday broke my heart. There’s nothing I can say that people haven’t already said…my eyes fill with tears when I think of parents who have empty arms and shattered hearts over those precious children who are gone from their lives much too soon.

As I held my daughter tighter on Friday, it was almost like God was saying,  You know what, Mel? There are going to be those days. But hold her close and love her because I’ve given her to you.

Oh, my Mae…we are going to struggle. We are going to have some rough moments. But, as has already been true, I know the good and the wonderful will always outweigh those moments that are less-than that. I want you to know, sweet girl, how much I treasure you, how much

I. Love You.

To the moon and back. Plus infinity.

:)

Thank You, God, for my girl. For mommy-daughter moments shared, for lives impacting others, for overjoyed laughter…

And for Love.

Always. Love.

Sig

Filed Under: barefoot, being mommy, blessings, encouragement, family, just life, Maelie, where I am

Hanging on to a Memory

December 13, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I apologize for the quality of this…phone camera + two dogs = dark and extra noise.

Don’t worry, you’ll still love it! :)

This moment is something that has just recently started happening in our house, and I don’t know how long it will last! Gotta get it on video while we can. :)

Oh, I love her.

And despite the years passing and the no-longer-baby-but toddler we now have, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

I love you, my Maelie girl!

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, music

This Beauty

December 6, 2012 by · 2 Comments

It’s been beautiful, this week.

Oh, my goodness. I don’t even know where to start and don’t really want to spill everything yet.

But y’all know that I’m on my way with my God-Sized Dream, and this week, I’ve spent some time connecting with 99 amazing sisters from all corners. It has been wonderful, beautiful, albeit time-consuming…but I am so looking forward to the journey we have begun and will travel together.

This week has been beautiful for other reasons.

Oh, some of that beauty has come up from the ashes. Like the kind where I crumple myself into a ball in the corner and cry my eyes out because I am so convinced at the time that I am an utter failure at mommyhood. (To be less dramatic and more honest…I will say that this very thing only happened once.) It just felt like the discouragement was dumped on me this week.

But in the middle of those moments there have also been times of surrender…times that make me wonder how I ever thought I could do this by myself. ‘Cause I can’t. Oh, God, I need You. Always.

I’m thankful for beautiful reminders…because my Father knows this journey of grace and where exactly He is taking me. 

I’m thankful for my beautiful daughter, too. Oh, we butt heads as mommy and daughter will. (Though it seems the head-butting started a bit early… ;))

But then we have moments like Tuesday night when she snuggled deep into my shoulder and we read Love You Forever. And she sang the song with me and it was one of my favorite mommy moments to date.

Or the morning snuggles I had with her earlier in the week when she kept saying, I love you, Mommy.

I never get tired of those words. Such beauty.

And, though Tobin and I struggled through this one, we’ve found beauty in waiting. That seems to be the theme of our life, and this week has been a test in patience and trust. We are hoping for an answer to that waiting soon…and trusting that no matter what, it will be beautiful.

Some days the road is paved with seemingly ugly and depressing, yet, I am so incredibly humbled by Grace.

I shudder when I consider life without it.

Of all the beauty in my life, that Grace is the most.

Thank You, Father.

Thank You.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, just life, Maelie, where I am, writing

Five-Minute Friday: Wonder

November 30, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Wonder

Sometimes I wish I could see life through the eyes of my daughter.

Because, to her, everything is wonder.

She walks outside and sees a blanket of snow covering the ground, and there is nothing more magical.

She randomly stops whatever activity she is doing, stands up and spins…around and around, arms full-on-stretched. Embracing the fullness of life around her…simply because she can.

We’ll be out for a walk in the neighborhood, and she’ll break into her toddler-sprint. Nowhere to go, just simply taking her boundless energy and letting herself fly because, well, why not?

Or, tonight, we were at a Christmas tree lighting. Happy choir music, pretty lights, people all around…and she decides to do backflips.

Hers is a world filled with wonder.

At times, I’m jealous. A little.

It feels like when I grew up (sorta, anyway!) I lost my sense of finding the wonder in all that surrounds me.

I forget that the beauty outside my window screams of my Creator.

I forget that the beautiful girl I am so incredibly privileged to spend my days with is wonder.

And in the hustle and bustle and busy and crazy of all that surrounds Christmas, I sometimes forget about the

True Wonder.

That baby who, so long ago, was born in a stable.

He was the picture of wonder that would captivate the world…and change the hearts and lives of multitudes…

One of those being me.

May I always, always remember that wonder…and pass it on to my daughter, too.

Five Minute Friday

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, Five Minute Friday, just life, Maelie, where I am

For the Love of Hot Cocoa…

November 25, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Somehow I think it was a winner. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, just life, Maelie

Scattered Musings

November 13, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Ever have an extremely contemplative, yet scattered, day?

That’s me tonight.

I’m currently munching on a really bad protein bar. I told myself I had to eat all the ones in the house before I bought more. This current one I, unfortunately, purchased a large box of without considering the possibility that they might be bad.

Shudder.

It’s kind of funny how certain things start to clutter the pantry after awhile…for me, it’s protein bars and random boxes of crackers. I have no less than five different brands and probably ten flavors scattered throughout the kitchen. Oh, weird me.

So I put Mae to bed tonight and was all excited to run on the treadmill. Having one in our basement is a perk on evenings when Tobin is gone and I want to get a few miles in. So I resurrected the thing from it’s 8ish-month storage, hopped on, started running at the highest level it will go…and golly, this thing is shakin’! Feels like an earthquake!

After a couple attempts to stop/start it again, I realized an important little piece that holds the base together had popped out and was g.o.n.e.

No running for me.

I did some strength/cardio stuff instead. Not nearly as fun or as sweaty as running. (Did I really just say that?!)

At any rate, I’m sending hubby to the basement to hopefully fix the thing for me. Some days it’s just easier to run on the treadmill than run in the cold.

Though I have unofficially promised no one…ok, ok, myself…that I’ll do one day a week outside.

Ask me how I’m doing with that in the middle of January. :)

Tomorrow is a pretty crazy day for us. Gymnastics, a meeting, family pictures. Plus, my Bible study is SO lucky…I’m baking them my favorite cake. :) That, too, needs to be done tomorrow.

Yikes.

It occurred to me a few days ago that last year, I spent the entire month of November writing about the things I was (am) thankful for…and I (obviously) haven’t been doing that this year. It was almost a convicting realization.

It’s not that I’m NOT thankful…I guess I’ve just chosen to express that thanks in different ways this year…though I’m sure I will officially post something at some point.

I was talking to God about that, trying to explain that I really AM so thankful for all He’s given and blessed us with. In the middle of that explanation, it hit me…

Duh, Mel…He knows.

Perhaps because true gratitude is a reflection of the heart. Though that can be shown on the outside, and should be, the fact that I haven’t been talking doesn’t make me ungrateful.

It gave me something to think about for sure. :)

I can’t believe Thanksgiving is nine days away. We’re heading to Minnesota to see Tobin’s family and a few friends, too. It should be an eventful trip with an ever-wiggly, active toddler and two rambunctious golden retrievers. Yay for family bonding at it’s finest? 😉

Thankfully, I thought ahead this time. I got a steal of a deal on this, and while it has the potential to ensure that Tobin and I are singing Veggie Tales songs for the entire weekend, it will keep a certain little girl entertained during the 12-14 hours we will spend in the van. :)

Between that and her A-B-C Turtle, which is a favorite toy on long trips, and coloring, I’m hoping it’s an enjoyable trip.

And, hey, if it’s not, at least we’ll have grandma and grandpa to provide us with the sanity we lost on the way there. :)

P.S. If you have any tips for long road trips with two year-olds, I’m all ears. Please. Talk.

:)

Well, I’m about out of words (yeah, right, like that ever happens!) and morning is coming way too soon. Off to bed I go so I can (hopefully) run on my non-earthquak-ing treadmill bright and early.

Happy almost-Wednesday, friends!

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, just life, Maelie, random, running, travel, where I am

Little Blessings (Pt. 53)

November 12, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Tonight I realized it’s been too long since I’ve done this.

So…

:) Small potty-training successes. I’ll take each one!

:) I love you, Mommy, with a squeeze around my neck.

:) Cozy blankets and furry slippers. (Thinkin’ those might make the list every time this winter!)

:) Our first hint of snow tonight.

:) A surprise visit and chat with a sweet friend.

:) Thanksgiving next week! Headed back to Minnesota for a few days.

:) Hearing a song or reading a verse and feeling like it was written for me.

:) Laughter over silly things.

:) The changing of seasons again…I don’t love to be cold, but I love the unique each different season brings.

:) The faithfulness of my Father.

 

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, friends, just life, where I am

Death by Dum-Dum?

November 6, 2012 by · 1 Comment

Ok, so I’m in kind of a quirky mood…potentially to curb some of the nerves these election results are bringing tonight?

Ugh.

Definitely a nail biter.

Anyway, so I was driving home from my hair appointment tonight, eating a dum-dum. (Thank you to my favorite hair stylist for letting me be a kid and take one. Or two. ;))

Then I suddenly had a really freaky thought. Something like, Man, it would be a bad time to get in an accident and have my airbag deploy. I’d choke on my dum-dum, and that would be the end.

Ok, ok, I admit that my brain can get extremely imaginative at times. :)

But it was enough for me to crunch the rest of my sucker in about half a second and get that stick out of my mouth. No more driving with dum-dums for me!

Now that you know for certain that I’m really quirky…

Tonight is that one night every four years that is such a strange paradox. I detest the way the news stations report election results and yet I’m glued to the tv…and feeling insanely sick to my stomach but eating some form of chocolate anyway.

But I promised not to talk politics, didn’t I?

So Mae and I spent the day at home today, and it was a long one. Darn time change…seriously, her eyes pop open with the sun…hellooo early mornings. For now, anyway. Thankfully I had a moment of genius when I remembered the “gift” my mom gave her several months ago. “Gift”=100+ piece plastic food set for her kitchen.

Gift for Maelie. I-will-injure-myself-by-stepping-on-all-these-tiny-pieces, non-gift for Mel.

I hid it in the garage…until today.

I can’t believe how many hours that kept her occupied.

She loved having new toys so much that I didn’t mind having to pick up that 100+ piece set a dozen times in an afternoon.

It was fun watching her “cook” all kinds of different food for me. She had fun, and for a moment, I felt guilty about not giving it to her for…ahem…about six months. Well, I felt guilty until I stepped on one of the plastic pieces and reminded myself exactly why I’d hidden the thing.

Oh, well. She’s not likely to forget about it anytime soon, so I’ll have to be extra careful about where I walk. :)

Well, it’s getting late…and I’m seriously thinking about turning off election results and watching a chick flick.

Sounds way more fun. :)

G’nite, friends.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, hair, just life, Maelie, random, where I am
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