As I Am


I love this picture of Sammy.

It’s just him on any day…I honestly don’t even remember which day this was. He was just lying down. Being cute. Not even moving when I pulled out my phone for a photo…yeah. He just is.

Nothing special but maybe everything that is special. And I love it. :)

So it’s been three weeks since there have been words here.

And today I finally decided it’s ok to write no matter what.

Honestly, I’ve been waiting for something. And if I continue to wait for it…I guess there wouldn’t be words today. Or maybe for a lot more days.

I’ve been waiting for that moment when I had the grief thing figured out. The kind of day when the smiles just came and the words poured. The kind when I felt no pain or no sadness or no wishing for what might have been. The kind when I could admit that I’d moved on completely.

And then I realized that’s just not life. And it’s not what He wants for me, either.

Just like He wants every day, He wants me to come as I am.

And that’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do.

It’s hard to sit and pour things from a heart that’s been beaten down. A heart that struggles to find Hope even though I know it’s there. A heart that has been through so much loss and has wondered…often…if God is really there.

My hubby and I were talking on Sunday during our long road trip from Minnesota to home about that. About how so many times during this season we’ve had to fall back on what we know of our Father…because we have a hard time feeling any of it.

As I am…it looks rough. Ragged. Puffy, tired eyes. A few extra pounds from the running that hasn’t happened.

And when I took a selfie a couple of days ago, I could see it all. I could see a thousand things that were wrong with this picture.

I was tempted to change the color settings, to crop things a little…to make it look a little better than it actually is.

But the truth? Is that God doesn’t want that from any of us. He doesn’t ask us to spend hours on the way things appear before we come to Him.

He already knows it. All of it. And the best part of it all is that He chooses to love us despite it. Despite the flaws, despite the imperfections.

I don’t have this all figured out.

I don’t know what my days are going to look like.

Tomorrow might be a truly wonderful day…full of laughter and sunshine and memories with my girl.

Or, it might be a hard day, too…with tears and questions and more tears.

And that’s ok.

Today it’s ok, and tomorrow it is, too.

Because His mercies and His promises are for me every day…not just on the days when life feels good.

It’s part of the journey and it’s where I am.

As I am.



  1. Mel, so much wisdom here to know that you don’t have to know everything. We don’t have to have it all figured out. We just need to see life as a gift and keep living it daily, even when it’s hard. Bless you for sharing your work and words with us. I’m convinced that so much healing and growth happens when we just lay it all out in the light. Laugh and cry – whenever you need to, whenever you want to. All of it is good, friend. {{hugs}}

  2. This is so beautifully said, Mel. I can feel your heart and I’m praying for you! May you continue to trust in what you cannot see or feel, and may you reap the blessings of His love, mercy, and hope through it.

  3. Praying for you Mel. Thank you for pouring your hear out here in this space.

  4. beautiful post – thank you for sharing… love the realness that you’re willing to divulge…. it can be easy to only post when we have it all together – “it’s ok to write no matter what”…. makes perfect sense!
    blessing to you!

  5. I have no words that are adequate to say thank you for these words today. My heart needed so much to hear that “Today it’s ok, and tomorrow it is, too.” Thank you deart friend. Virtual hugs for now but real hugs to you soon

  6. Good words and good wisdom from a good friend. Some days , like Moses, all we are capable of undestanding is that He Is. The great I AM is. And that has to be good enough until He’s ready to reveal his great wonders to us! Have a great trip!

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