Giving It All

A few scattered thoughts tonight.

😉

So I struggle with insecurity, and I’ve talked about that before. I think a lot of it goes back to life as a less-than-gorgeous, more-

than-slightly-awkward pre-teen/teenager.

Thinking back to that time when I was so unsure about myself…everything, and I do mean everything made me nervous. From trying out for the basketball team to running hurdles and playing in a band concert to singing a solo…every one of those things made those butterflies do backflips.

That’s a hard thing to get past.

Even in high school, I didn’t love being in front of people. I stayed with music because I really enjoyed it, I ran cross country, and I was in FFA. But that’s about it as far as extra-curricular activities go. FFA actually was pretty leadership-oriented.

On several occasions I had to get up and give speeches. Yeah, I wanted to throw up every time, but somehow I survived…without puking. :)

Then comes college. Heck, I was studying to be a teacher…that kinda meant I needed to get used to talking in front of people, right?! The first few speeches I had to give and lessons I had to teach were torture. Tor.Ture. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and would get so nervous that I’ d practically cry.

Eventually… a person kind of gets to

a breaking point. And I reached it.

At some point, this had to stop. I couldn’t keep going through life like this.

And so I made a choice…the choice to just do life. And the choice to quit worrying about what other people thought. And the choice to not be nervous. (Which still doesn’t always work…)

That was so hard.

I remember clearly when I was raising money for my mission trip to Peru.

I had to write letters…and that wasn’t bad. But I also had to speak at my church and sing a solo that night…and that was just about enough to put me over the edge.

Getting up in front of people like that…to me…is like completely throwing yourself out there,

nothing hidden, for everyone to judge. I was so stinkin’ nervous that night that I actually cried before I went up on the stage. I hated being that nervous.

Hated it.

The first ten or so minutes were absolutely awful, but once I got going, it wasn’t as terrible. I then realized, Hey, I can do this! And what a fantastic feeling to finish my talk, get

to the song, and not even be nervous anymore. (I’m pretty sure that’s the only time I’ve ever sung a solo and not been nervous.)

And even though I’ve gotten a lot better about being in front of people since that time, it’s still hard. And it translates to more than just talking or singing or playing an instrument.

The blog often makes me nervous.

Especially when I post things that I know not everyone will agree with. I feel like the bravery that it takes to push the publish button also brings with it a large, red “X”.

Shoot me down, shatter me.

My words are yours to tear apart.

The blog started out as a journey to process life and the things we were going through.

It turned into so much more. A place to have an opinion. A place to share my life, as much

as I choose or

choose not to, with my readers.

A place to have a voice.

And sometimes it scares me to have that voice that could potentially reach thousands of people. (Although I doubt that will happen!) But it’s also kind of a cool thing that so many people could be reading what I write.

I was thinking of all this and how it compares with having a relationship

with God. Sometimes He asks us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zones. He doesn’t ask us to hide behind our insecurities, giving only those things that make us comfortable, sharing just those talents that come easily.

He asks us to put it all out there.

Give it.

Throw it!

He wants it all…no matter the cost. Some things will be scary, some things will make us cry, and some things will change life to the point that it will never be the same.

But He asks for ALL.

What is my ALL?

Sig

Comments

  1. I’m pretty sure the majority of us were awkward, less than gorgeous pre-teens. It builds character in us! Haha!

    The more you do the thing that scares you, the less it has control over you.

    Let me know when you get around to not being worried about what other people think of you……I’m nowhere near it! Though I’m much better than when I was in the corporate world with all their….catty, drive, comparison….BLUGH! Too much stress for this ol’ girl! Not to mention my credit cards!

    And you are absolutely right…..the blog is a tough thing sometimes. I’ve often prided myself in having the opinion of the minority, traveling the road less travelled, being a person who walks to the beat of a different drummer. I think all of that comes from so much of what I dis-liked, and still can, in my immediate family (an emotional journey I’m currently on but am not writing about). Anyway, I don’t like it when someone disagrees with me or tells me I shouldn’t feel or think or do what I’m feeling or thinking or doing. It peevs me AND makes me feel so wrong that I get this sense of rejection. Oh man do I got ISSUES! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

    The absolute beauty of Jesus asking us for all of it and not allowing us to stay in our comfortable zone, is He loves us with such an unfailing love, and promises to never abandon us. Even when we fight and throw tantrums because we want to stay in our comfort, He never forsakes us! It’s a journey to understand that Truth enough to not fear rejection from Him, one I’m still on, but He has shown me FAR MORE than any……ANY human being EVER has. And for that…..He can do with me and my life and darn thing He pleases. Ouch. And amen.

    How is Don?

    That’s all my ramblings today!

    • Thanks for the words, my friend. You encourage me. :)

      Please pray for Don’s family…he passed away early this morning. So, so sad for those who loved him and will miss him, but rejoicing that he is in Heaven. Someday you’ll get to hear his amazing tenor voice. :)

      (((hugs)))
      Mel

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