Giving It All

A few scattered thoughts tonight.

😉

So I struggle with insecurity, and I’ve talked about that before. I think a lot of it goes back to life as a less-than-gorgeous, more-

than-slightly-awkward pre-teen/teenager.

Thinking back to that time when I was so unsure about myself…everything, and I do mean everything made me nervous. From trying out for the basketball team to running hurdles and playing in a band concert to singing a solo…every one of those things made those butterflies do backflips.

That’s a hard thing to get past.

Even in high school, I didn’t love being in front of people. I stayed with music because I really enjoyed it, I ran cross country, and I was in FFA. But that’s about it as far as extra-curricular activities go. FFA actually was pretty leadership-oriented.

On several occasions I had to get up and give speeches. Yeah, I wanted to throw up every time, but somehow I survived…without puking.

Then comes college. Heck, I was studying to be a teacher…that kinda meant I needed to get used to talking in front of people, right?! The first few speeches I had to give and lessons I had to teach were torture. Tor.Ture. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and would get so nervous that I’ d practically cry.

Eventually… a person kind of gets to

a breaking point. And I reached it.

At some point, this had to stop. I couldn’t keep going through life like this.

And so I made a choice…the choice to just do life. And the choice to quit worrying about what other people thought. And the choice to not be nervous. (Which still doesn’t always work…)

That was so hard.

I remember clearly when I was raising money for my mission trip to Peru.

I had to write letters…and that wasn’t bad. But I also had to speak at my church and sing a solo that night…and that was just about enough to put me over the edge.

Getting up in front of people like that…to me…is like completely throwing yourself out there,

nothing hidden, for everyone to judge. I was so stinkin’ nervous that night that I actually cried before I went up on the stage. I hated being that nervous.

Hated it.

The first ten or so minutes were absolutely awful, but once I got going, it wasn’t as terrible. I then realized, Hey, I can do this! And what a fantastic feeling to finish my talk, get

to the song, and not even be nervous anymore. (I’m pretty sure that’s the only time I’ve ever sung a solo and not been nervous.)

And even though I’ve gotten a lot better about being in front of people since that time, it’s still hard. And it translates to more than just talking or singing or playing an instrument.

The blog often makes me nervous.

Especially when I post things that I know not everyone will agree with. I feel like the bravery that it takes to push the publish button also brings with it a large, red “X”.

Shoot me down, shatter me.

My words are yours to tear apart.

The blog started out as a journey to process life and the things we were going through.

It turned into so much more. A place to have an opinion. A place to share my life, as much

as I choose or

choose not to, with my readers.

A place to have a voice.

And sometimes it scares me to have that voice that could potentially reach thousands of people. (Although I doubt that will happen!) But it’s also kind of a cool thing that so many people could be reading what I write.

I was thinking of all this and how it compares with having a relationship

with God. Sometimes He asks us to do things that are so far out of our comfort zones. He doesn’t ask us to hide behind our insecurities, giving only those things that make us comfortable, sharing just those talents that come easily.

He asks us to put it all out there.

Give it.

Throw it!

He wants it all…no matter the cost. Some things will be scary, some things will make us cry, and some things will change life to the point that it will never be the same.

But He asks for ALL.

What is my ALL?