I love this picture of Sammy.
It’s just him on any day…I honestly don’t even remember which day this was. He was just lying down. Being cute. Not even moving when I pulled out my phone for a photo…yeah. He just is.
Nothing special but maybe everything that is special. And I love it.
So it’s been three weeks since there have been words here.
And today I finally decided it’s ok to write no matter what.
Honestly, I’ve been waiting for something. And if I continue to wait for it…I guess there wouldn’t be words today. Or maybe for a lot more days.
I’ve been waiting for that moment when I had the grief thing figured out. The kind of day when the smiles just came and the words poured. The kind when I felt no pain or no sadness or no wishing for what might have been. The kind when I could admit that I’d moved on completely.
And then I realized that’s just not life. And it’s not what He wants for me, either.
Just like He wants every day, He wants me to come as I am.
And that’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do.
It’s hard to sit and pour things from a heart that’s been beaten down. A heart that struggles to find Hope even though I know it’s there. A heart that has been through so much loss and has wondered…often…if God is really there.
My hubby and I were talking on Sunday during our long road trip from Minnesota to home about that. About how so many times during this season we’ve had to fall back on what we know of our Father…because we have a hard time feeling any of it.
As I am…it looks rough. Ragged. Puffy, tired eyes. A few extra pounds from the running that hasn’t happened.
And when I took a selfie a couple of days ago, I could see it all. I could see a thousand things that were wrong with this picture.
I was tempted to change the color settings, to crop things a little…to make it look a little better than it actually is.
But the truth? Is that God doesn’t want that from any of us. He doesn’t ask us to spend hours on the way things appear before we come to Him.
He already knows it. All of it. And the best part of it all is that He chooses to love us despite it. Despite the flaws, despite the imperfections.
I don’t have this all figured out.
I don’t know what my days are going to look like.
Tomorrow might be a truly wonderful day…full of laughter and sunshine and memories with my girl.
Or, it might be a hard day, too…with tears and questions and more tears.
And that’s ok.
Today it’s ok, and tomorrow it is, too.
Because His mercies and His promises are for me every day…not just on the days when life feels good.
It’s part of the journey and it’s where I am.
As I am.