Warning: This turned into an intense, heart-spill. Thanks for reading.
Hi, friends! Happy New Year!
And, yes, I’m blogging three days in a row…which hasn’t happened since, like, 2012.
And now that you’ve picked yourselves up off the floor… 😉
Restore. My word for 2014.
I’ll get to that in a minute. It’s one that has caused more wrestling and wondering and tears before I even chose it as my word for the year.
But let’s back up and talk about Dream for a minute.
It was my word for 2013…and, in every way, the safe choice for the year.
I was already part of the God-Sized Dream Team.
Already in the thick of dreaming and surrounded by so many other dreamers.
It just made sense.
Oh, there were parts of it that were challenging, definitely, and I don’t regret my choice at all. In all of the dreaming, and the hard part…doing, God did incredible things…opened doors and opportunities. 2013 was definitely a dreaming journey, one that has changed my life forever.
But, today…and this year, Restore.
It was supposed to be Create.
You see, that’s the word I wanted. It’s something I love. A word I had planned on making my focus for the year because it’s so easy for me.
To pull out the paint and a canvas and splash art.
To pick up my hook and yarn and make something cute that I’d rather not pay $30 for in a store. Or to make a cute hat for a friend.
To frustrate myself through the roof with my Rainbow Loom, but somehow make a cute bracelet. Yes, I bought one. It’s fun. And completely addicting…and, yes, I promise I am 35 years old. 😉
Creating…it comes naturally. And it’s easy.
But God said something different this time…and, ironically, He said it through a painting. (And a whole series of events that make up an incredible account…I’ll be sharing that soon, but not today.) 😉
He said it through this.
I will restore you. Your marriage, your heart, your emotions, your confidence, ALL of it.
You see, I paint a word mural in this space.
While I keep it real most days, unless you know me intimately, you don’t know the brokenness that resides in this heart.
Some of it is my own doing, some of it isn’t.
But regardless of the source, there are pieces of me that need to be restored. Not fixed completely…but at least brought back to a place of being able to shine Him again, even if it’s through cracks.
Our marriage…it’s hard. We are night and day, sunshine and rain…and looking for the rainbow. I know it’s there, and I remind myself of that daily as, sometimes, we try desperately to hold on. The Truth is that we are working to make Him first again. I’m not sure how it happened, but somewhere in the last eleven plus years, we became more me-me-me, and less Him-Him-Him.
Pray for us? Please?
My mommy heart needs to be restored and reminded daily of the blessing I have in my precious daughter. Most days I know it and feel it and the two of us dance it out like the crazy, fun girls we are. 😉 And others…the ones when my period is late or I’m cramping horribly…well, I focus on what I don’t have. Will you pray that God will restore my heart? And because I believe in being real…and also because so many of you are my family…here’s the deal. Really.
And I want you to know it.
We’re focusing on us and our sweet girl. There’s no trying right now, and I’m ok with that. We are hoping a few months down the road that we’ll be in that place again, but today, we’re not there. It’s been a source of me needing to let go of my perfect family ideal…which didn’t include kiddos who were four or five years apart. (If that.) And yet, here we are.
And I long to be ok.
And there’s also a deep desire for freedom and restoration of my past…situations that left me broken, empty, and almost unable to go back to the place that was my home for so many years.
The truth is that, right now, I can’t go back without a pit in my stomach, a hardness to my heart, and tears brimming on my eyelids.
I hate that it’s that way. Hate it.
And I know that ONLY HE can Restore it and somehow glue back together the pieces that fell apart so long ago.
I mean it when I say that it’s almost become easier to live broken than to live Restored.
But I long for it…and He has spoken it.
Now, I need to obey it.
So, Father, please Restore…whatever it is that needs to be restored in me. Make my heart new, make it long for You, make it shine You again. I know You can and You will.
God gave me a verse recently…and, ironically, it popped up as the verse of the day yesterday. But maybe it’s just another little whisper from Him that He’s got this.
This…THIS…it’s my prayer.
My promise from Him for 2014.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19 (NIV)
Restore 2014. He Will.
And, thank you…to each of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being willing to walk this journey with me.
That makes you my friend, and I love you for it.