Rejection

I’m no stranger to rejection.

I’ve blogged about my insecur iti

es as a teenager and how I never felt like I fit in.

I haven’t blogged (much) about my parents’ divorce when I was sixteen and the more insecurities that followed.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m never good enough.

And this morning I was reminded of that feeling again…not once, but twice.

A couple months ago I submitted a story I wrote to a couple blogs that I really like, hoping it was maybe something they could use.

It was an account from a pivotal time in my life, and I put every ounce of my heart and soul into those words.

It wasn’t that I was expecting them to accept it right away, especially since I’m just starting out on the whole writing thing, but I thought I’d at least hear something.

Thanks for your submission, but we can’ t use i

t at this time.

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We appreciate your interest in writing for us.

We’ll let you know at a later date if we’ll be using your story.

Something…anything.

But I heard nothing.

At the same time I was working on another piece that really cut to the core of who

I am. I had a dear friend edit it, and she made some good suggestions, and

I fixed it and was really, really happy with it.

But I was also still reeling from the whole I-poured-my-heart-out-and-heard-absolutely-nothing thing…and so I never sent it, kind of waiting for that moment when my heart was ready for possible rejection again.

This morning I opened up one of my favorite blogs to see a post with almost the same title and pretty much the same story.

It felt like someone had crawled into my heart and stolen my words.

And to make matters worse, that’s only half of the story.

A couple months ago I signed up to participate in a Community Reading for another blog I enjoy. My husband helped me do the video,

and I sent it in well before the deadl

ine. Last week I got an e-mail reminder for it and replied, just to confirm that they had received my video. They hadn’t but asked me to resubmit it. So I sent it again and received confirmation that they’d gotten it. Cool.

And I was really excited to be part of that video…having people from all corners of the world sharing God’s Word…it just felt right to have a little piece in something that is so much a part of who I am.

This morning when the entire video was posted, I watched it, a little nervous that I was actually going to be on it…and I wasn’t.

For whatever reason, another girl read the verse I’d signed up for.

I just said to Tobin, They didn’t use me.

Then I went upstairs and let a hot shower swallow up the tears.

I wish I could say they stopped after the shower, but they didn’t. Over an hour later, they continue.

I hate being the one who is never good enough…the who will never make it doing what she loves.

And I get it…it’s not all about me.

But it is my heart, and right now my heart feels like it’s been squashed and stomped on and ripped apart.

Everything in me says, I don’t care.

Thankfully my brain knows differently…if I didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Thanks for reading and for loving me anyway. I’ll be back tomorrow.