Wouldn’t this be an amazing picture to share at their wedding someday? 😉
Oh, I love them!
The Skinny(er)
May 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment
So I’m sitting here with a too-late cup of coffee, deciding how to do this.
But I promised you all, after the pics yesterday, and so here’s the skinny…or at least the skinny(er). 😉
So, I’m sure most moms can relate to the extra poundage that hangs on after having a baby.
For some reason, I had it in my mind that the 44 pounds I gained with Maelie would just magically disappear once I started breastfeeding. What I hadn’t anticipated were difficulties with latching, making it necessary for me to pump around the clock for months. (Ugh…there I go reminding myself.) And for whatever reason, the weight, which was supposed to come off…didn’t.
In the fall after Maelie was born, I started running again. It took me a long time to build back up the endurance I’d had before I got pregnant. I set a goal to run a 5k that November, and I did run it…but there’s no way I’m sharing my time with you all! 
During that time of running and training, I continued to eat whatever I wanted.
I think, in some ways, food became that stability. It wasn’t like I was gaining a lot…I just wasn’t losing anything. But at a time when everything was new…city and neighborhood (COUNTRY, for that matter), friends, church…at least there was always chocolate and Chicago deep-dish and pretzels. (And a lot of other things.)
Last summer, I finally got serious (or, at least thought I did) and joined a Biggest Loser competition with some friends. I worked out religiously…5-6 times a week. However, I didn’t?
Stop eating whatever I wanted.
At the end of the summer, after losing only a few pounds, I knew I had pinpointed a problem.
Food had started overtaking me.
Gosh, that’s hard to admit. I’m really, really struggling with hashing this out for you all…just being honest.
Tobin, Maelie, and I went to Mississippi for a week in September to see some good friends. While we were there, I found some inspiration in the form of my friend, Sarah. She had worked really, really hard and looked fantastic…after having three kids in less than four years, no less. She told me a few things that had worked for her, and I decided I needed to do something.
I came home, joined another round of the Biggest Loser, got rid of the bad food in our house, and got serious.
I counted calories…1,000-1,200 a day.
Plus a workout or two each day. (I let myself take a day off every week.)
It worked…in nine weeks, I was down 22 pounds and just 14 shy of my goal weight.
I survived the holidays, only gaining a couple pounds back, and joined yet another round of the BL.
Ten weeks later, I was one pound from my goal. (Which I did eventually reach.)
Yeah, so I totally realize that if I stop here and post this as it currently is, I do sound like a brat.
So, bear with me, ok?
This journey was a good one for me. I needed to get myself into better shape. I needed to be healthy. I needed to stop squeezing my size 14 into a size 12. 😉
I needed to feel better about myself.
Yes, it was a good journey. (And it’s not over! My goal now? To stay here!)
But, it was also a hard one.
I battled through a lot…I learned a lot. I was humbled a lot.
And maybe sharing this will help someone.
I learned…
First and foremost, that no amount of weight loss and skinny can make a person truly beautiful. One day, after an especially frustrating morning in which I was NOT a good mommy, I caught myself staring at my reflection in the mirror and thinking about how good I looked. But the truth is? I. Felt. Ugly. I’d said things, done things that day that didn’t honor my Father and didn’t show Maelie that I loved her. I was reminded that morning (and am being continually reminded) that having a beautiful heart is so much more important than having a beautiful body.
Also? That any obsession apart from my Father is wrong. There were days when I was SO focused. I HAD to get that second workout in before I went to bed. I HAD to burn this-many calories before I could end the day. And those things? Got in the way of time I could have spent in His Word, in prayer…growing in Grace. There is nothing wrong with having a goal, but when that goal takes away from what’s really important, then it needs to re-evaluated.
I have to admit to you that I continually work on that one. Sometimes it’s hard to miss that workout or run because of something more important.
God also taught me something that I never thought I’d share here…but I feel like I should.
He gave me a glimpse of what it was like for someone who struggles with anorexia. Because I think, at one point, I was headed down that road. Every waking thought was about food. I obsessed to the point of not eating enough and working out too much. All I could think about was clothing sizes and being “skinny”…and it began to overtake my mind.
Thankfully, I recognized it…and that was totally from God. I had a pretty tough conversation with a friend, who was really gentle with me but also pretty honest. After talking with her, I knew I had to recognize the fact that this obsession could potentially be dangerous.
I don’t think I ever reached the point of anorexia, but I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I asked two friends to keep me accountable. To ask me if I’d eaten enough…and to check in on me. I needed that.
Since that time last November, God has been really good. He’s teaching me to find balance and ways to stay healthy without overly obsessing if I miss a run or eat a cupcake. (Or twelve!) 😉 He’s working on my heart in ways that are painful but necessary. He’s teaching me so much about loving what He’s created and being satisfied in who I am.
That doesn’t mean I’m there at all…but He’s working on me.
I never understood people who struggled with eating disorders before this journey, and perhaps He gave me this glimpse to help me to be more empathetic. I get it…or at least a small part of it…now.
So often, we focus on becoming what society has termed acceptable. We have it in our head that a number on a scale is what’s most important. And it’s not. Because I’ll tell you that that number goes up and down a little. And if it goes up by two? I can’t let it ruin my day. Or my week. I just have to keep going.
I can’t think of a way to end this.
Maybe by having a good cry? (Because I could sure go for one about now!) 😉
Maybe just to encourage you…to keep your focus where it needs to be. And if part of it is on losing weight…that’s OK. As long as you don’t forget about the other things that are important, too.
I’m really thankful for the last eight months…and for me, the hardest part is yet to come. Because, as with any goal, sometimes when you “arrive” is when you start to slack. I’m working hard to not do that. I’m also really thankful that, on this earth, we never “arrive” spiritually…He continues to mold and shape our hearts if we’ll let Him.
God is GOOD, isn’t He? Find some time today to thank Him for what He’s done.
Before and After
May 14, 2012 by · 8 Comments
Monday night…
Workout…
Up late…
Trying NOT to feel guilty about the…ahem…DOZEN mini red-velvet cupcakes I ate over the weekend…
Darn you, Mother’s Day, and the way you let me think I can dismiss any and all calories I consume because you are a holiday.
😉
Of course I’m kidding…it was a wonderful day and worth every extra calorie, even if it means I’m going to be working it all off for a few days!
Anyway, here are a couple pics. It’s a good night to post them.
Story/thoughts coming tomorrow, mostly ’cause I’m still thinking.And trying desperately not to brag and sound like a completely self-centered brat while talking about weight loss. (Is that possible?) I hope so…’cause I really don’t want to be like that.
Ok, I’ll quit. The pics.
So, this is me before…Tob said it was the best picture of all the ones we had. Ok, then. I honestly have a hard time looking at this photo…and I really dislike my hair color, too, but that is irrelevant. 😉
And, this is me last Saturday. I’ll tell you more about how I actually got here tomorrow. (Sorry, I just don’t have the words tonight.) And, as a bonus, you also get the sweetest dog in the universe…my Andre boy, who just wouldn’t get out of the picture!
A Mother’s Day Letter
May 13, 2012 by · Leave a Comment
My sweet Mae-Mae…
I love this picture of you and me…even if we’re far from looking our best. It was the end of the day and we were both tired, you’re still getting over a cold and not feeling great, and we played pretty hard today, too. But when I look at you here I see the most wonderful little girl in the world.
How I love making memories with you. Even this weekend, we explored new wonders like sand in the sandbox (which you did NOT like!) and airplane flying (which you definitely liked!). I love your quick smiles and easy giggles…they never fail to make my heart smile. I love hearing you talk, and your conversation skills are taking off at lightning speed. Your brain is soaking up everything, and it’s so fun for this mommy to watch.
I love the things you teach me and remind me of…perseverance, determination, grace, gentleness, love…I could list things for quite awhile. Though you are still small, you already demonstrate such a tender heart, and it’s beautiful.
Today was Mother’s Day, and it was nice. We had some good time with you…church, playing outside, taking walks, visiting friends, eating pizza. Over an over, I would look at you and feel so very blessed to have you in my life. You make each day an adventure full of surprises and love, and there’s no one I’d rather spend my days with.
In a year I’ll be writing this again, amazed that you are almost ready for Preschool and wondering, again, where time went. Let’s not rush too much, my girl…let’s just enjoy the days we have and soak them up completely.
I tell you this all the time, but it’s true and worth repeating today.
Being your mommy is my very favorite thing.
I love you to the moon and back…plus infinity. 😉
Love,
Mommy
Little Blessings (Pt. 35)
May 12, 2012 by · Leave a Comment
Real sand in the sandbox. (Which Mae did not like…hopefully soon! But Tobin and I had fun trying out all of her cool sand toys!)
Breaking 30 for the first time on my 5k this morning. A couple seconds shy of breaking 29. Shooting for 28 by August.
Catching up with friends I haven’t talked to in a long time.
A lunch date for me and Mae with a sweet friend.
Family walks up and down the street and stopping to chat with neighbors.
Sliding in the living room. (I’m a cool mom. ;))
Praying for a friend who needs encouragement.
Nursery rhymes with my girl.(Has anyone else noticed how utterly bizarre Mother Goose rhymes are?!)
Before and after pictures…to come tomorrow.
Being a mommy…it’s more wonderful than I ever could have dreamed. So thankful to God for my sweet girl!
My Sunshine Girl
May 11, 2012 by · Leave a Comment
Maelie has been a bit under the weather the past few days. 
This afternoon, though, she was doing ok, and so we took the opportunity to soak up some of the gorgeous, sunny 70’s of the day…and this was her hat of choice. Which she wore the entire 30 minutes we were outside.
Did I mention it was in the 70’s?
Oh, I love her. Would appreciate prayer for her, too…not sure what’s going on, but she just isn’t herself and can’t seem to kick this cough that’s been hanging on for almost two weeks.
Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday! We’re going to explore the wonders of actual sand in the sandbox…it will most likely be epic! 😉
Worth Seeing
May 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment
This has been going around facebook for a couple of days.
It is so amazing. SO.
Rather than give you my take…just take ten minutes and watch it for yourself. You won’t be sorry.
You can find the intro to the video here.
On Giving Up the Grudge
May 9, 2012 by · 4 Comments
Tonight is a not-so-short account of some stuff I need to share. Sorry for the length and scattered thoughts, but maybe you will connect with where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading.
When it came time for me to choose a college after high school, I chose a small Baptist college in Iowa, which I attended for five years. (Yeah, five…I crammed four years in that way. ;))
Names aren’t necessary…I mean, there aren’t that many Bible colleges in Iowa; I’m sure you could look up the grit if you feel like it.
Attending there was a decision I made with quite a bit of pressure from some people who were very influential in my life at the time. I think I chose the college mostly to please them; I had previously been accepted to a liberal arts Christian college in Hannibal, Missouri, which I was SO excited about. But, being that it wasn’t strictly Baptist, I think it’s fair to say I was somewhat guilted into changing my mind.
So I did.
And I will also admit to you that I never even looked at the handbook to my college of choice until I arrived on campus for freshman orientation. I think that alone says a lot about how eager I was to “do the right thing” in the eyes of people I knew were watching every move I made.
When I arrived, I was surprised (overwhelmed? shocked? horrified?) with the many rules I was being forced to obey willingly. (Yes, that oxymoron was intended.)
Everything was dictated, down to when I could wear jeans (almost never) and what kind of music I could listen to (hymns and classical only) to what kind of shoes were appropriate for classroom dress (read: NOT yellow jellies…ooops!) and what kind of outside activities were unacceptable (movies, single-dating, dancing, etc.)
Really, the list goes on and on (and on and on) and the purpose this post is not to bring all of this to light. If you’re that interested, feel free to check out the handbook online; I am fairly certain that it has not changed all that much since I graduated in 2001. (Although the women don’t have to wear nylons anymore, and for that, I think I will always be a little bitter. ;))
What this IS about is the grudge against this institution that I held for a decade or longer.
The grudge that was slowly tearing me up.
The grudge that was doing more damage to the person holding it than it was to those against which it was held.
When you’re in a position where every decision is practically made for you, when it feels like the number of things that are not acceptable to do with free time is greater than what’s acceptable, when it feels like freedom to go home for Christmas break and wear jeans…
That’s when some negative feelings start to seep in.
And it’s easy to let them take over.
If you know me at all (or have read the blog for very long), you know that I have obviously changed quite a bit since that phase in my life. Jeans are my clothing of choice, year round. I wear tank tops. I go to movies. I attend a Lutheran church (Which I love, love, love.) with both traditional and contemporary services and (gasp!) drums and a worship band which I sing with sometimes. (More love, love, love.) I read versions of the Bible other than the KJV, I’ll go to the occasional girls’ night out, and I read books like Confessions of a Shopaholic and the Hunger Games. (Did I mention I’m going to the movie next week? Can’t wait!!!)
And I also really try to live each day by walking in the Grace that I have been so freely given.
But I do have to confess that I’ve far too many conversations with people as I process (and laugh about) the multitude of rules and regulations I was forced to obey at this school. It’s a great conversation piece since most of my friends have never been subjected to this kind of environment…and yet, I know that there are some bitter feelings buried.
Or, not-so-buried.
And here’s the thing…I did agree to go there. I did sign a paper saying I’d obey. And for the most part, I did…though there was that time two of my roommates and I hid a hamster in our dorm room. And the time that we cranked up At the Beginning from Anastasia and sang and danced to it until we were laughing so hard we couldn’t stand it. I guess we’d call those moments of rebellion, but they sure did create memories. And. So. Much. Laughter.
Five years of all of this, for better or worse…it’s how I spent my introduction to adulthood.
Two weeks ago Maelie and I made a trip to Iowa. After we’d met some friends for dinner on Tuesday night, I had to practically drive right by the college to get to my friend’s house where we’d spend the night. (It was two blocks out of the way.)
I hadn’t even seen the campus for probably eight years, and I have to admit to you that my heart pounded as I approached NW 4th Street, but I did it.
I drove by.
Rolled down my window.
And whispered…
It’s over.
And with that, I made the decision to give up being bitter.
I can’t get those years back, but who can change the past?
What good is going to do me to hold on to this grudge?
Zero…it’s only going to hurt me.
Why would I do that to myself?
When I am truly honest with myself, it wasn’t all bad. I got an amazing foundation in the Bible. (Well, minus the 7 a.m. classes that I was never mentally present for. ;)) I made some lifelong friends. I had the chance to travel with a vocal ensemble and handbell group…which were both really, really fun…and there’s zero sarcasm there.
And it is almost certain that I would never have met Tobin and be where I am if I hadn’t gone there.
What I took away from that school was far greater than what it took from me.
And that’s the truth, even though I feel sometimes like I was gypped out of being an adult. (Thankfully, I am mostly still sane…though I think I need to turn off comments on this post to keep you from countering that!) 😉
So I gave up the grudge.
Decided to focus on the blessings that came out of it AND the ones right in front of me.
Life is good…and it’s also not perfect for anyone.
And I’ll choose to make the best of it and find the JOY that is all around.
Because God is GOOD…and He always will be.
What about you? I’m curious if you’ve ever struggled to let go of some bad feelings. Please share.
Caffeine, How I Love Thee…
May 8, 2012 by · Leave a Comment
Let me count the ways.
Ok, ok, enough. 😉
Tomorrow I’ll be serious again and write about why it stinks to hold on to a grudge…and how I’m learning to let go of some things.
But today, I’m just up for caffeinated chit-chat. We’ll see what comes up.
We were blessed with gorgeous sunshine for all of the morning and part of the afternoon. Though I have to admit that I didn’t necessarily feel up to it, I forced us out of the house, and Mae and I took a walk to the park. She loves the one that is close to us and, for the most part, the playground equipment is just her size.
She played happily for a good 20-30 minutes, and then we headed home for her favorite snack and a nap. T’was fun.
I’m dragging today…was up a bit later than usual last night thanks to my Monday night workout. Something about getting my heart rate going for so long that late at night makes it almost impossible for me to sleep before midnight on those nights, though I do think I crashed around 11:30 or so.
Still…ugh.
It was hard to find the energy to get up this morning. (Insert three cups of coffee.) Sigh.
So I’m kind of in a weird mood and spent the last half hour or so looking at old Indonesia pictures. (Well, not that old.) 😉 It surprises me how much the ache that fills me is so familiar…almost like the pain of missing it will never leave. It is just forgotten for long stretches, but when it returns…oh, boy. I had myself a good little cry, and then smiled.
No use in crying over something that was mostly pretty wonderful. And really, it was just a tiny slice of life in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve been thinking about that lately…about how each step leads to the present and how, though those steps seem important…and they ARE…they really are just a microscopic part of God’s plan for each of us.
I love where we are right now, and soaking up the blessings of being “home” is easy at the moment. But as we were driving home from Minnesota a few days ago, I let my mind go to this place that I hardly EVER go.
What if He asks us to go again?
Thinking that question usually involves a lot of head-shaking and eye-squinting and heart-reassuring that we’re here for good.
But I guess I don’t really know that.
It boils down to obedience…and keeping my heart in the place where I’ll listen to Him when He speaks. But I also know that my God gives good things to us when we desire His best, and He knows what I desire. So I trust that He’ll give me just that and let me stay.
I have no idea why I went on that little tangent, but hey…it’s life.
And my life is full of thinking and processing, so sometimes weird things spill onto the pages of this place. Hee hee.
😀
Speaking of giggles, I found a few fun pictures while browsing Indo-life…I thought you might enjoy them. I seriously smile despite the quirkiness of a couple of these. I’m so thankful for the five years of crazy and wonderful and mixed-up and blessed that we were given in the land of nasi and motorbikes and sweet people.
Aaaahhh.
It did my heart good to do some reflecting.
Ok, the pics. Enjoy.
I forgot we had these. Can we say CRAZY hair day? (Really, that’s what day it was.) But this was mostly Tobin, because I? Can totally rock the Princess-Leia-meets-polka-dots look any day. 😉
This paradise was ours for four days…seriously. We booked a hotel that was incredibly cheap because it had just opened and apparently no one knew about it yet. We stayed in this brand-new, five-star gem for around $25 a night and had the place to ourselves. Can we say Happy 5th Anniversary?!?! It was oh-so fun.
This picture completely cracks me up. One year on Indonesian Independence Day, August 17, our school hosted a community celebration with all of the traditional games. This one involved tying a string with a nail on the end of it to the back of your pants. Then, squatting, you had to get the nail into a glass soda bottle, pick the bottle up between your legs without the nail coming out, and run to the finish line. I am the second from the left (barefoot…big surprise!) and was the proud runner-up. Oy… 😀
And this would definitely be included a perfect day…sitting on the beach. Preferably this Indonesian one. With some coffee and friends.
Just a few fun, incredibly random, memories…thanks for stopping by the blog today!
Quit Explaining Everything
May 7, 2012 by · 4 Comments
I had a huge AHA! moment the other day.
Yes, it deserved capital letters in bold. It was that big. Well, at least for me. 😉
I read this blogger a lot. She is funny, she is witty, she’s extremely insightful, and while I don’t always agree with her, I find her honesty and ability to throw it all out there refreshing.
It all started with the story of the student who got kicked out of a certain fundamental university (not mine) for protesting against a member of the university board who had excused/helped hide a devastating crime…a member of his church raping an innocent teenage girl and getting away with it. (This blog post is not about that, and I truthfully don’t know all the details, so I’m not sharing my thoughts…just giving a little background. Google will give you more information should you want to read more.) The university said he was expelled for excessive demerits and for watching Glee. (That made me laugh out loud.)
The whole idea of demerits got this blogger friend of mine thinking…and digging for details. (She’s very good at that.) What followed were three posts wherein she brought to light some of the ridiculous demands of students at this institution. At times I felt she was a bit harsh, having lived a good part of what she wrote about, BUT she had some very, very good points (interspersed with her one-of-a-kind sarcasm), especially in her last post.
It was as if she took the confusion and questioning and anger that swirled around in me for a decade and finally gave me some peace. Or God gave the peace and she helped…either way, I think I found it a little. Anyway, you can read the article here.
For the most part, I nodded my head in agreement. And then the light bulb came on right in front of my eyes, and I could suddenly see. (Sight is a novel idea. Really.)
It. Was. Amazing.
Truly.
An excerpt:
“What happens when you live like this is that you never develop your own decision-making skills.
You’re constantly seeking prior approval for everything. After awhile, you can’t LIVE without permission. You begin to panic when faced with a decision–how will you ever make this decision without approval/permission from the “God-given authorities” in your life?!
One of the things I had to work on in therapy was not apologizing for everything and also not feeling compelled to explain everything I did. I had been raised to believe every decision Reverberated Through Eternity! and so I was always ready with “Biblical reasons” for ANY decision I made. It was like I couldn’t do something without a Bible verse to back it up.”
–from elizabethesther.com
So, that’s kind of me.
In general, I worry that every move I make is being watched, judged, and should I slip up…or even think I’ve slipped up…an apology is immediately necessary as is groveling and shame.
There’s something wrong with that.
A couple of months ago I started recapping our anniversary trip. When I posted pictures of Spain, there was this certain picture…one that Tobin and I talked about at length before posting it.
That’s because it had a bottle of wine in it. And, yes, we did drink the wine if any of you have been speculating. Now you know. 😉
I felt like I needed some sort of explanation…or apology. As I expressed that to my husband, the one who is surprisingly far more balanced than I am, he was like, No. No, you don’t need to explain anything.
And the fact is…no, I didn’t. We drank wine on our trip. We drink wine here in the States, too. 😉
It is a personal decision, one we don’t feel violates anything Biblical, and it’s not up for judgment or analyzing. It is what it is.
Next week I’m going to see The Hunger Games. After spending over a decade of my life sneaking around, never admitting that I actually go to movies, I’m gonna tell you that I do, in fact, go to the theater AND that I’m pretty excited about seeing it on the big screen! And no explanation necessary.
I went out and bought a new pair of jeans last week. I needed them, and that’s that. For some reason, I even felt that I needed to explain that decision. And. I. Don’t. My butt was too small for most of my current jeans (not sure I will EVER type that sentence again!) and so I went out and bought what I couldn’t find at Goodwill.
And, not like you needed even that much info, but that’s that.
Though I don’t use profanity on my blog, occasionally I’ll use a word that some may deem inappropriate. I’ll never forget the day after I used the word fart. I do believe I actually wrote an entire post the next day, apologizing for my use of the word.
Golly, Mel. Quit Apologizing!
There are facts…
That no matter what we do, people will judge.
That there’s not a person in the world who will share every single thought and opinion of mine.
That I’m the one who’s held accountable for my actions, words, thoughts…not anyone else.
So, that’s a new goal of mine…to explain and apologize less.
To live a little more…live according to what God wants and to forget about what others think.
Easier said than done, I know. But it is a start.
And if you’re interested, tomorrow (or the next day) I’m posting about a seriously GOOD moment I had a couple weeks ago when I drove by my old college. It took me awhile to process, but I’m looking forward to sharing it.
