The most dangerous word for a God-sized dream is “someday.” How can you start implementing your God-sized dream {even in a small way} right where you are?
I wrestled with this question for several days.
And then, the other night, I cried to my husband.
The tears came after we’d had a little spat…the kind that should have normally never even been an issue. The kind that really wasn’t an issue…it was just a buildup of too many feelings…that were released because I forgot to rinse out the blender after I made my protein shake. 😉 (Can anyone relate here?!)
And in expressing those extremely worked-up, tear-streaked, emotions, I started talking to him. Really talking.
About how my past still hurts and haunts me.
About how, each time I return to my hometown for a visit, which I did last week, I leave feeling more battered and scarred.
About how I need to quit letting the past define the woman God wants me to be. Because, in some ways, it’s keeping me from becoming her.
The truth is that if I let who I was be who I am now…I will never move on. Yes, I grew up feeling as if I never had a place to belong. Yes, my parents divorced when I was sixteen, causing emotional heartbreak that only God has been able to even begin to heal.
And while the past might hurt, it is never wrong to keep moving forward, talking about it when it’s necessary, because sometimes it is, and choosing to learn and grow from the pain instead of sitting and letting it continue to wound me.
When I think of Indonesia, it seems most natural to write about the good…the things that brightly painted my days and filled my heart to the point of overflow.
But if my goal is to be honest and real, then I have to face some ugly moments…the times when God chipped at me and dragged led me, sometimes kicking and screaming, through places I didn’t want to go. Because He wanted to bring Himself the glory, as it should have always been.
Writing this book has been a lesson in dealing with the past.
Yes, revisiting things that make my heart sing with complete JOY because of what He did and how He moved in such an imperfect life.
But it also means opening up those places I would rather leave locked behind a heavy, unmovable door…the places He still did some amazing things, but the places where my flaws and inadequacies were put on display for all to see.
So what I can I do now?
The writing part isn’t hard.
What I have to do now is be willing to go to those places. And while they may hurt, I need to trust and KNOW that no pain is ever wasted…and that His healing will be even greater, far surpassing what I can even imagine.
It is a complete God-thing, too, that I came across an (in)courage community that seems to be a perfect fit for this season. One of my dear God-Sized Dream Team sisters is helping lead a study on this book…and while I’m finding myself a bit guarded right now, I really am looking forward to what God will show me.
I am choosing to believe, with everything in me, that God can and will mend a heart that is still cracked, one that still sometimes-hurts, one that has never been able to fully let go of the past.
My prayer is that He will give me the grace and strength to do just that…because I really can’t wait to watch what He will do.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
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The devil would LOVE to keep us stuck in the past, forever haunted by things we did or what other people did to us. I appreciate your honesty here.
I’m going to add that book to my list, I think I could learn a lot through it.
Oh, and thanks for the Pinterest idea, I’m gonna look through later and see what I can find
Blessings, Friend!!
Thanks, friend.
And I’ve started reading the book…just a few pages in, and I’m already hooked! I think you will like it. 
Mel, I am so excited for the freedom He is bringing you! Yes, it is hard to revisit the past. Bravo to you for being brave, trusting Him, and walking obediently so that others may see His glory in you. You are amazing and beautiful, a daughter of the King, who is madly in love with you:) I pray that wraps around you like a warm blanket when you feel battered and scarred. I will happily remind you whenever you need it!
Thank you, friend, for those words. I am blessed to be surrounded by a group of women who are modeling what that walk of obedience looks like.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and blessing you are to me!
Mel, Thank you for sharing. I have a friend that is always reminding me that God can use my mess and make it His message or my test as His testimony. Just by admitting your struggle you have brought glory to Him Thanks again.
Thanks, Amy! Love that…mess=message, test=testimony. Definitely hanging on to that one.
I love the title, “mending”. It feels warm and caring. I pick a mother mending socks by firelight (not sure why).
I, too, wrestle with things in my past (and not so past). Here are two things that are helping me. The bad times in my past have helped me become the person I am today, and I like her (most days). The other thing is a saying a friend gave me – “just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they can”. I have been pondering that in my heart for awhile.
Keep writing friend!
That’s a great saying…and something I hadn’t thought of before. So often, I am guilty of expectations when it comes to relationships, failing to realize that not everyone is like me. What a good reminder.
Thanks, Holly!
I have been praying for ‘joy’ for you this week, and also for ‘mending’ – I’m confident that your beautiful honesty is the beginning of great things to come. And that book looks really amazing (and like you said, a ‘God-thing’)! You’ll have to let me know how it is as you get into it!
Thank you for your prayers, sweet friend.
The book? Ten pages in and already hooked…definitely a good read. Hope you are enjoying your snow day! 