If I Could…

…go back in time and relive one day of my life, which would I choose?

Pardon me while I shamelessly use a blogging prompt today. I spent quite a bit of time writing this morning and have a tired brain.

Regret is a funny thing.

You always hear it in Christian circles…forget the past and press toward

the future. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I do think it’s unhealthy to spend too much time living in the past…it makes the present less than what it should be if we’re always focused on the things that have happened.

Things we wish for and can never have again because time just doesn’t work that way.

God doesn’t work that way.

But if I could go back…there was a day.

In April 2010.

I was still in

Indonesia but only for a few more days. I went to school to spend a few hours saying goodbye to people I knew I needed to have that closure with.

It was hard, and I cried practically the second I walked in the door and saw Laura L.

I spent part of that day having lunch with my former students. We sat on the Big Boat (new and improved, for all you BAIS people ;)) and ate and talked.

It was sweet…like old times.

They filled me in on all the latest happenings in 6th grade, who liked who ;), and where everyone was going for summer break.

They talked about my ever-expanding belly, the baby girl inside, and begged (once again) for me to tell them her name. I wouldn’t.

Then it came time for the bell to ring, and we knew it.

This was it.

I could have cried because inside, my heart was just shattering. But I also knew that if I let those emotions go that I would probably sob uncontrollably, and I didn’t want some of my favorite students ever to remember me that way.

So I let the tears brim but choked down the sobs as we hugged goodbye.

I watched them disappear into the school as I stood on the playground fighting the strange paradox of thankfulness and grief.

I have often thought back to that day and wondered if I should have done things differently.

If it was ok to let them know how much I loved them and would miss them in the form of just letting the tears go.

Honestly, I don’t know if I went back and repeated this particular day that I would change a thing. But I wouldn’t mind going back just so I could hug them all.

My Father gives second chances…He has done that over and

over for me. I don’t know what form that might come in, but I believe that He will give me another chance to see these students.

And whenever that is, I’ll let the tears flow.

Truthfully, as painful as parts of my life have been, I have no regrets. There are things that I wish I could change, but I wouldn’t go back and change them because each were stepping stones to bring me to where I am.

And I love where I am.

So if I could go back? I would just want to hug those precious students once more, chat it up again, and enjoy one more lunch with them on the Big Boat.