(in)Real Life

April 28, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I spent part of today tuning into an online conference with two of my good friends.

I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time. This blog is one of my favorites, and several months ago when they announced the conference, I knew I wanted to “attend”. What made it different from other blog conferences is that they were structuring it so people would meet up with friends in their own area. No plane tickets and hotel reservations required. :)

Just some coffee, food, and good friends. I can always handle that. 😉

I really, really loved hanging out with Alison and Amanda, two friends from my Monday workout/Thursday Bible study/church. We watched a few sessions, discussed them, and had some good heart-to-hearts…which we all need now and then.

It was a great way to spend the afternoon, and it left me feeling very (in)couraged. (Ok, I’ll admit that was corny.) 😉

At the end of our time we tuned into the last session, a virtual community Bible reading, which I was completely blessed to participate in. It was emotional and inspiring and just COOL seeing people from all over the world reading the same Scripture and hearing our voices blend. I wish I could post the link here, but I’m hoping to at least have it on DVD in the next few weeks so I can share it with friends who are around here.

And even though I blogged about it yesterday, the conference made me more thankful than ever for community. Because we all need that place to belong, that place to just be. Thanks to each of you who have given me just that.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, friends, just life, where I am, writing

Five-Minute Friday: Community

April 27, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, or overthinking. Just write. :)

Today’s Topic: Community

The morning I stepped into that foreign room in a place that made my heart pound, I had no idea that it held the friends who would become my community.

The place where we’d dig deep, share, laugh, sometimes-cry, always-love.

They made me feel so welcome from the first moments…this new girl struggling through the harsh realities of relocation once again, new-mommyhood, and mega identity-crisis. The perfect combination. 😉

It took a few weeks, but slowly the walls started to crumble, I allowed the tears to fall, and my heart began to soften. And as my story…and their stories…began to intertwine, I knew that God had given me a gift in this group of women.

In this community.

Thursday mornings are a cherished part of the week for me. Whether we study for the entire hour and a half or we talk first for the first hour, that time spent with these beautiful sisters is so good for my soul and my heart.

Because despite differences and preferences, we can all come together and love, laugh…and just be.

Which is so, so important in community.

They make me feel valued, loved, appreciated…and I hope I make them feel that way, too.

I just love them. So much.

This community…is so much my life. And for it, I am thankful.

And…this is what I’m doing tomorrow. It’s still not too late to register and tune in! For a cool $10, they’ll send you a shirt, a pack of greeting cards, and you’ll get access to some pretty incredible sessions and speakers. A friend and I watched the Friday sessions this afternoon, and they were great. Think about it if you’ve got a few hours to spare tomorrow! :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, church, encouragement, Five Minute Friday, friends, just life, where I am

Hey…and Some Coffee

April 23, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

I’m having a mid-afternoon coffee…after my power nap that didn’t really do much. Care to join me for a chat? 😉

Here’s hopin’ the coffee will help. I’m kind of a grump right now. Just being honest. 😉

So, hey from Creston.

Mae and I drove in this morning, and I couldn’t help driving down past the hospital, college, and the other areas that were really hit hard by the tornado.

Oh, my.

No words…maybe that’s how I can describe it?

I crossed the major highway that divides the east and west sides of town, and my jaw literally dropped, and my hand went over my mouth.

No drama, no pictures. I thought I’d want to take one, but I don’t. I think the images are there in my mind for good.

Just sad. So sad…and thankful at the same time. I seriously can’t believe no one died.

So Mae and I hopped over to Iowa yesterday after church. We left around 12:30 and made it to Slater (my church from college) with 15 minutes to spare before the surprise service/party for some dear friends.

It was so fun reconnecting with friends, some I haven’t seen for eight years. (There are pictures…I’ll share later. ;)) It was so good for my heart to see these ladies…I can’t believe how many years have passed. (And how many kiddos were running around at our feet!)

Mae and I spent the night with my adopted parents from college (who the party was for) and then came down to Creston this morning.

We’ll be here for the night and most of tomorrow, and then late tomorrow afternoon we’ll head up to the Des Moines area and then go home Wednesday night. I picked a good night to visit since two of my nieces have a music concert tonight, and grandma is available to babysit. :) Maelie is enjoying some good cousin time with Sofia, even if they are both definitely smack dab in the middle of the terrible twos.

It builds character, right? (For Mae AND Mommy!)

Anyway, it’s a quick trip that seems to go by even quicker…time always flies when there are so many people to see.

Looking forward to tomorrow…dinner at my very favorite restaurant EVER with some friends, and then some sweet sister time with my two best girls. Anticipating a late night and lots of laughs and some good heart-to-hearts.

Will definitely need the caffeine for the drive home on Wednesday!

Happy Monday!

Oh, and you may have noticed something…that there was no blog post yesterday? Hmmm…there IS a story for that one. I’ll give my hubby a chance to share first. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, coffee, friends, just life, where I am, writing

Afternoon Tea

April 21, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Golly, I sound so British…tea?!

No, really, here’s the scoop. Afternoon=I-have-tons-to-do-before-Maelie-and-I-leave-tomorrow; Tea=let’s-fight-this-sore-throat.

Though I much prefer coffee, tea it is today.

And a quick chat. Not too long ’cause I’ve got plenty I need to do!

So life is kind of crazy right now, and I honestly can’t believe that I’m carving out time this afternoon to write. I think it’s more for my sanity…a chance to catch my breath. (And not fold laundry, pack, etc.) Maelie and I are headed out tomorrow after church for Iowa. We have about 5 1/2 hours to make a 5 hour trip…and we’ll need to throw at least one stop in there. We could be late, but I’d rather not be.

But I’ll have to tell you why later ’cause…shhhhh…it’s a surprise!

Then we’ll spend Monday and Tuesday in Creston, which will be interesting. I’ve been warned that it’s pretty tough seeing the damage and devastation and that there’s still a lot of cleaning up that needs to be done. Crazy how a storm that lasts for minutes (even seconds) can cause damage that will take years to rebuild.

Then we’ll drive up to Des Moines on Tuesday afternoon and spend the night and part of Wednesday with my two best friends. Oh, good times…I love those two so much!

Then it’s back home Wednesday night…I’m hoping we won’t get in too late, probably 10ish. Which is late enough. 😉

So we’d appreciate your prayers, especially as I navigate the world of road-trips-on-my-own-with-a-toddler. I’ll admit I’m a little stressed about it all…and maybe a little scared. I was reading Jesus Calling and yesterday’s topic was about being strong and courageous.

I guess that includes 5-6 hour road trips alone. We’re in His hand, so it’s all good. 😉

Happy weekend, all! Hugs.

 

Sig

Filed Under: encouragement, just life, Maelie, travel, where I am

I…

April 19, 2012 by · 1 Comment

…am listening to silence. Poor hubby, who was at work until 2:15 a.m. and had to be back at 7 a.m., is in bed. I don’t blame him a bit.

…wonder if it’s going to rain during my run tomorrow morning. Part of me really, really wants it to. I heart running in the rain but not what it does to my hair. 😉

…hear the gentle breathing of a dog, asleep at my feet. My sweet Andre boy turns nine tomorrow. Nine. What absolute love he brings to our lives.

…see purple walls. The next time I talk about them, one of you needs to come over here and force me to paint them. Though the purple is almost starting to grow on me. Oy…

…want this pair of TOMS that I really can’t justify. So I am not going to buy them. Someday, maybe.

…smile every time I see my daughter. I just love her so much…the way she laughs, repeats everything I say, finds JOY in everything. I want to be more like her.

…feel like it’s been such a strange paradox of a week. Some really, really low points and some pretty amazing ones, too. I’m still blessed. :)

…worry that I’m impacting my daughter in a negative way. In our Thursday morning Bible study we’re studying a parenting book, and we were challenged to think of the thing we need to change RIGHT NOW. I can think of so many more than just one. Really praying for wisdom…I want to be the kind of person she’ll want to emulate someday.

…cry when I think of the people I know who are hurting right now. I’m praying that God will hold them close and heal their hearts.

…laugh when I think of praise team practice tonight. A special thank you to those who made it so entertaining and…um…oh-so-memorable. So thankful for friends, music, and Moroccan scarves. :)

…miss sleeping in on Saturdays sometimes. And then I think of the trade-off, and I don’t miss it anymore.

…say that I don’t drink as much coffee as I really do.

…dream BIG. I always will, even when people laugh at what I say. You know what? I really, really, really want to be a regular contributor for a certain blog out there. I think I’d be a good fit, and I’m not afraid to tell them that. :)

…try to go to bed early every night. (Early, as in by 10:30 p.m.) Almost every night, I fail. Miserably.

…am thankful for my hubby and how hard he works to take care of us. It’s one of the qualities in him that I admire the most.

…am praying tonight for a lot of things. A lot of people. A lot of hurts. A lot going.

…rest in His promises. Jesus, I am resting, resting in the JOY of what thou art. I am finding out the greatness of thy loving heart!

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, just life, random, where I am

A Heart Spill

April 17, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I just started a pot of coffee. (It’s 9:15 p.m.)

It could potentially be a long chat tonight. (And if it’s not, hey…hubby will have iced coffee in the morning. ;))

So for the last few days…I’ve kinda fluffed my way around the blog. I didn’t really write junk…I just wrote things that didn’t make me think too hard. The fact is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

But putting those thoughts into words on a blog is much more difficult than the actual thinking. (I write some pretty great bestsellers in my head!)

I’m not sure how to process this…so I may just let my thoughts spill and see where they go. I apologize, in advance, if you hopped over here for Mel’s witty take on life. Maybe tomorrow. :)

By the way, you may have noticed that the blog is different? Yeah. I’m in the middle of updating some things and figured…if I can’t change the past, at least I can change my blog!

So I really hate those nights when I KNOW I need to share something. (Or a million somethings.)

It has been a really discouraging week. I can’t count the number of times that uninvited tears have overflowed and made my eyeliner run all over the place. Or how often I’ve felt so exhausted and drained that doing anything has felt impossible. Or how often, out of sheer exhaustion and impatience, I’ve raised my voice at Mae.

On Saturday (following several days of this), Tobin and I knew we needed to get out of the house, and the three of us went to Menards. Mae did fine for the first part of the trip and started to get fussy toward the end. While we were waiting in line to check out, I gave her a tiny sip of my coffee to calm her down. (Judge me now. Enough people in line were doing it.) I could feel their eyes burning at me, and to make matters worse…that one sip only made her want more. She started screaming, Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! After a few seconds, when it became apparent that this wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, I picked her up, took her outside, and carried her across the entire parking lot to our van while she continued her rant.

I could feel people staring at me, and it only reiterated the thought that I’m a bad mommy.

Lie.

Add to it the fact that for some reason, Indonesia keeps coming back to me…and not in good ways.

Here’s the thing. We loved it there. (Most of the time.) But we also struggled, and it was no secret to anyone that we were ready for what was next. I don’t believe we left on bad terms, though I do know that God definitely had something else for us and that He moved us on at the right time.

Lately I’ve been seeing pictures on facebook and hearing stories of how great my former students are doing…and I’m filled with questions and, often, regret. Don’t misunderstand me…I completely loved them and am thrilled that they’re thriving. But it makes me wonder…

Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? Did I let them know how much they mean to me? Was I a terrible teacher?

More lies.

Tobin and I have been through one of our more difficult seasons of marriage recently. The details don’t belong here, we’re working through things, and we really are ok even if there are tough days. But there are also those times when I look around the house and see a total disaster…a sink full of dirty dishes, clothes thrown around the bedroom, a nursery floor covered with books and toys or we exchange less-than-kind words…and I start believing that I am bad at this wife thing.

You know, the lies are really starting to get to me.

It’s been a silent week. The kind where friends are busy and plans don’t happen like I thought they might. My phone has been pretty quiet and my social interaction pretty limited. For an extrovert who thrives on being busy and social, this is possibly the worst kind of week. And even though I know it’s not me, I start to believe that my friends don’t want me.

I’m ready to squash satan’s lies.

Really.

The fact is that I know, as a mommy, I have my days. We all do. But I also have DAYS…the ones when Maelie and I have the best time ever together and we laugh all day long and have adventures and soak up every moment of this precious, mother-daughter bond. We make memories that will be etched in my mind forever and, hopefully soon, in hers.

That’s truth.

It’s also fact that, though Indonesia wasn’t perfect, it was still time that wasn’t wasted. While we don’t know the kind of impact we had, we know that we were impacted and left there feeling completely blessed for having the chance to be part of what God is doing there. We got to love some pretty amazing students and grow with some incredible friends.

More truth.

I believe with everything in me that satan will try everything to destroy a marriage. Tobin and I aren’t perfect and we’re fully aware of that, but we love each other, and we love our Father. We’re both guilty of letting things like a dirty kitchen and selfish moments take over our days…but at the end of those days, we love each other and we’re committed.

Complete truth.

And while I’ve had a lonely week, sometimes I forget that being alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One thing I don’t do well is be still…and maybe that’s a lesson He’s trying to teach me. To take those times I feel alone and let Him fill that void. My first instinct, rather than to grab my Bible, is to grab my cell phone. He always meets me exactly where I am, with exactly what I need for the day.

He is Truth.

I guess I share all of this to ask you to pray for me. Please pray…

…that I’ll be able to throw regret out the window and live fully in the present.

…that I’ll choose to ignore satan’s lies and walk in Truth.

…that I’ll strive to live a life that pleases Him every single day. 

He’s Good…and His Truth is just that.

True.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, friends, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, marriage, prayer, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Thinking About Home

April 15, 2012 by · 1 Comment

I spent too much time today looking at photos like what you’ll find here.

Last night my hometown was devastated by a tornado, and seeing pictures of the damage is surreal. I’m sure it’s much worse in person.

I found out about the tornado the way everyone finds about things these days…by logging into facebook last night around 10 pm. Once I let my brain wrap around what had actually happened, I grabbed my phone and immediately tried to get ahold of someone, just to know that my family was ok. My mom didn’t answer, and so I called my brother…thankfully he answered and said everyone was fine even if the town wasn’t.

Even though rumors swirl, all official reports say that there was no loss of life…an amazing miracle. My best friends’ parents lost their garage and a car. There’s a lot of damage, but their house and, more importantly, everyone in it…are fine. Countless stories of how God’s hand of protection was clearly there have been shared over and over.

Houses are completely gone while others, just meters away, sit untouched. Cars are flipped over and totaled, lines are down, debris is everywhere, the hospital is a mess, other buildings near it are a total loss…by all accounts, there should have been fatalities.

But God is Good…and he spared people.

And for the few minutes when I had to wonder without knowing, I remember thinking…as long as they’re fine, nothing else matters. We can build new houses and buy new things, but home is

People.

And their hearts.

And while I may not call Creston, Iowa, my home anymore, there are people there who are part of my heart. The same with Ankeny, Nekoosa, Brooklyn Center, Bandung, and now, Carpentersville…each of these places have a piece of my heart and are a little of my home. (Or a lot. ;))

It makes my heart heavy to look at those pictures. If you would, please say a prayer for the people of Creston and other towns and cities who were hit badly by tornadoes over the weekend. There’s a lot of cleanup and rebuilding to do…but they’ll do it. And come out stronger in the end.

Feeling pretty blessed today.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, family, just life, remembering, where I am

Six Minute Saturday: Goodbye

April 14, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Once in awhile I link up here for Five Minute Friday.

I love her, I love her blog, I love how what she comes up with in five minutes stirs my heart for five days and inspires me to open up rather than to guard myself.

Unfortunately (or, not so much) yesterday was epic and needed to be blogged. 😉 (For those of you interested, there was another ponytail today. If possible, she was even cuter. ;))

So, today…in keeping with the necessary alliteration…I bring you “Six Minute Saturday”.

The rules are simple: Write for five (today, six) minutes on the given topic. No editing or changing anything. Just write from your heart.

Six Minute Saturday: Goodbye

Goodbye is a word I have said over and over, more than I ever thought possible, in the last decade.

It’s a word I know extremely well.

It brings with it tears…promises of keeping in touch, of visiting, of always being there for the other person despite the miles, possibly oceans, that will separate us.

It also brings heartache…the kind that comes from knowing that something has ended. Things will never be again as they were, and while there is always hope for a future, there is a grief that comes from an ending.

It brings with it anger…I. Don’t. Like. To. Say. Goodbye. Ever. In the changes and spins and circles of life, I want to continue packing my suitcase…allowing it to grow bigger with each goodbye. I want to take each person who is so loved with me to that next phase. But that’s just not how it works.

But the word “goodbye” also brings something else…something that gives hope for new beginnings and friendships and love. It’s called

Hello.

That one little word that can make a new beginning really, really beautiful.

So I’ll say goodbye for a chance at hello.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, just life, remembering, uncategorized, where I am

Aimless

April 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

If there were ever a day I didn’t want to blog, I think today might be that day.

I think that means that maybe I will blog every day until I die?! (Just so you know, I did not commit to anything here…)

Just sayin’. :)

Blogging feels like that part of my day that’s necessary, the part that’s good for me. Right now, I need it. Maybe a day will come when I don’t, and as strange as that sounds…I need routine and familiar and all that is what my life is. For now.

I hate dark days. I hate them when I’m on the verge of tears, and the more I try to distract myself, the more those tears come.

It wasn’t a bad day. It really wasn’t…I was determined to find some sunshine in it. The problem is that it was so dang cold, even though the sky was blue and the actual sun was shining.

It should have been a day to go to the park and get lost in the swings and the slides and the little animals that she can’t quite balance herself on. Yet. To walk through the neighborhood singing songs like we always do. To sit in the backyard playing with the dogs and the sandless sandbox and the slide and maybe do a little guitar strumming and tune-belting.

But at a whopping 41 degrees, it was NOT a day for any of those JOY-producing things.

Instead, we went to Target to get coffee because I used up the last of it this morning. I figured it would be a good diversion and get us out of the house for an hour. We’d barely walked through the door when we saw a friend from church. We chatted with him for a bit, he shared his coffee with Mae 😉 and then we were on our way.

To do what, I don’t know.

I walked that store for what seemed like forever. I had a list of a few things I needed, but I mostly just wandered aimlessly. It was the most frustrating, confusing trip to the land of familiar that I’ve ever had in my life.

It felt like I was there for a purpose, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

And then I thought about it…how this journey of mommyhood has been just that. And I mean the whole shebang…from adoption to no-adoption to heartache to JOY to finding a way to grieve and be full of that JOY at the same time.

It truly feels like aimless wandering sometimes.

And as I was strolling and pretending like I knew what I needed, I looked down at my girl who was, for once, patiently sitting in the cart. She stared at me, almost as if she were searching my eyes for answers.

I had none. Instead, my eyes filled with tears, and as she stared at me, hers started to fill, too.

I think through those tears, God gave me an answer.

Maybe that there isn’t one.

Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and we grieve and we hurt. And then we go to bed and wake up…and we have a new day with new mercies and new blessings and new chances at JOY and sunshine and a little less hurt.

We took time to remember her a little today. Ice cream and some smiles and some wondering, but not too much.

Because we don’t truly need answers when we know Who holds us.

Looking forward to the bright hope that is tomorrow.

He is Good.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, just life, Maelie, remembering, Tobin, where I am

Oh, Monday Night…

April 9, 2012 by · 2 Comments

I don’t know why this blog-late-on-Monday-night thing is continuing, but it is.

Oh, well.

Here I sit at the computer, eating toast and trying to think of coherent thoughts to share with you all.

Current time? 10:14 p.m.

And, by the way, toast is my comfort food. Really. I like it best with honey butter, but since we didn’t have any, I’m having cinnamon toast, which is almost as good. 😉

I thought you should know that.

You know…so if I’m ever having a bad day you can bring me toast or something. Haha. 😉

I’ve debated whether to go deep tonight or to just talk about toast.

Deep wins. At least, I think.

So, here we go.

And if you prefer less-deep thoughts, feel free to go on your merry way, knowing now that I love toast. See, it’s not a total loss. 😀

So, what’s funny about the way I’m writing this is that it would be exactly the same way if I were having a conversation with one of you. I’d make a joke or two and avoid the issue for awhile before bringing it up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be sad. And also because I’m debating whether to rant or to cry.

It’s just that no one talks about losing a baby.

It’s like that taboo topic…the one thing you just don’t touch. I have talked about it before…once or twice. In almost 450 blog posts. You get the idea.

And, even if I talk about it, what I don’t talk about is the confusing grief that comes along with it.

Like the fact that I sometimes feel guilty grieving a baby that, if here, would mean that Mae wouldn’t be.

Tomorrow is April 10th…it would have been Isabel’s due date. She’d be two. Tomorrow.

I refuse to cry for the entire day, but I’d be lying if I tell you that my heart’s not struggling a bit. Mostly because I want to remember her. It bothers me that there are no tangible reminders of her around our house. We have an ornament we bought for her, and that’s on the tree at Christmas.

But that’s it.

Everything in me wants to put a little angel on the wall next to all of Maelie’s photos. Or a little quote. Or something. Anything.

But it’s just not done, you know?

So sometime this week we’re going to plant some daisies. A little reminder.

And what you need to know…or, maybe I just need to tell you for my sake…is that I as I spend each day with Maelie, her presence fills our house with more laughter and love and JOY than I ever thought possible.

I never ONCE regretted Maelie…and I love her so much it makes my heart feel like it’s gonna explode. :)

But I still think of Isabel often, and I still tear up sometimes. And wonder.

And that’s why it’s so confusing.

We’re not meant to understand everything, and I guess this is just one of those things. I know I’m certainly not the only person who’s ever gone through this before…and all I can do is trust in His bigger plan.

And love.

Love the amazing little girl I get to wrap my arms around every day. Love her and cherish each moment we’re given.

And be thankful that I get to love another little girl, too…one that I’ll hold someday.

:)

Thanks for listening, friends. I’m glad you’re here.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, family, Maelie, remembering, where I am
«Previous Page
Next Page»