where I am

Behind the Scenes: On Jellybean Bribery

October 22, 2013 by Mel · 24 Comments

I had to bribe her with two jellybeans to get this photo.

This girl, the light of my days and complete sunshine of my moments…she and I have battled.

Almost constantly the last few days.

For whatever reason, she is fully embracing the three-ness of toddlerhood, and I?

Well, I am spent and have tapped into the very limited reserves of my patience tank. It’s not exactly going well.

And, yet, on a sunny Sunday afternoon she was hopscotching on the back patio, and I was bumming nearby with a salted caramel mocha in one hand and my phone in the other, and I thought,

I need more pictures with her.

Not just ones that are taken on the happy days, but also the pull-my-own-hair-out ones, too.

Hence, this photo.

Yep, there’s a lot of rough going on behind it, but I love that it’s there. Here, for me to see and remember.

Remembering that, even on the ugliest and most painful mommyhood days, the sun still shines.

And if it’s not shining in the sky, it sure is shining in the form of my girl.

Friends, can I ask prayer? I’m jetting off to Allume tomorrow. I’m uber, over-the-moon, joy-filled, excited to go…and yet my heart aches over being separated from her.

So much of me knows that I need the break…and that it’s just time to go and take this step closer toward a full-on chase toward my dream of publishing a book. But there’s a little piece (and maybe it’s not quite so little) that worries. I just need to wrap up all that fear and give it to my Father.

I know He’s got this…and now I’m praying that He’ll pour on the peace, too.

Thanks, y’all…looking forward to hugging SO many of you in just a day or two! SQUEEEEEEEEE!

😀

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Happy Tuesday, friends! Today is the day when I join some sweet friends at Crystal’s space for Behind the Scenes. We’re sharing the silly and sweet and sometimes-tear-jerking moments that happen behind the camera lens…I hope you’ll take some time and pop over to read some great stories.

Social media and online relationships can make us feel like everyone else has it all together. We’re edited, proof-read, Pinterest-perfect versions of ourselves (or so some might think!) when – in reality? There is an unfinished pile of laundry around the corner. That cute toddler smiling for the camera just had a massive meltdown seconds ago. That yummy breakfast-for-dinner you just showed us on Instagram? It’s because the cat licked the chicken that was supposed to be for dinner.

“Behind the Scenes” is a fun link up where we show those photos – but tell the real story behind them. The sneak peek behind the scenes, a look past the edges of the photo to the real life behind it.

Filed Under: Behind the Scenes, being mommy, blessings, family, God-Sized Dreams, Maelie, where I am, writing

Behind the Scenes: An Indonesia Moment

October 15, 2013 by Mel · 26 Comments

I let myself go back tonight.

It’s not a place I go often, but I do revisit once in awhile, whether through pictures, video, memories, even reading a random book sent to us by our organization before we even began our journey.

There are times when it’s good for the soul…and just plain good for my heart…to remember.

I know it’s something I’ll never have again.

But I do like to have those moments when Indonesia feels so real again…so close I can almost taste the nasi uduk and gepuk or even the pisang goreng. I can hear the call to prayer, the constant honk of car horns, the little beep of a passing motorbike. I can even smell the not-always-wonderful scents that permeated Jl. Cihampelas during a Saturday drive to CiWalk.

Sometimes I worry that the memories will fade…not just in my heart, but the hearts of others. I think of our sweet pembantu and wonder if she will ever hug my daughter. If we will ever hug her again.

It hurts sometimes.

And tonight, well…I knew I’d go sometime.

I went to the cupboard…and I dug through and found the very last packet of Indonesian coffee, one I’ve literally been saving for a night when I knew I’d want it. (And, clearly, patience was my shining virtue because the expiration date…which I totally ignored…was approximately a year ago. Give or take four months.) 😉

I plopped on the couch…and as I sipped and savored and remembered the many, many mornings when I’d begin a day of teaching 4th grade, coffee mug in one hand, drinking this exact beverage…it was like the memories and moments flooded back into my heart.

It felt like a beautiful, wonderful lifetime ago and at the same time, just a tiny blink spanning then and now, too.

I guess that’s the way it is with memories we hold so deeply…they feel like forever snapshots, ones that we tie into that corner, hoping that our hearts will always be strong enough to hold on.

And as the happy tears fill my eyes…but they only brim, they don’t drip…I give thanks for these moments.

The kind when I can smile and know that it was good.

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Filed Under: Behind the Scenes, coffee, friends, Indonesia, remembering, where I am

Five-Minute Friday: Ordinary

October 10, 2013 by Mel · 50 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s prompt: Ordinary

What do you want to do today, girlie?

It’s a question I ask her often…and I usually get the same response.

I want to play at home!

This sweet little girl…as much as she loves going to school and play dates and park fun and adventures…she revels in the ordinary magic of a day.

Her favorites?

Coloring together on the back porch.

Playing in the sandbox.

Swinging or sliding or kicking the hot pink and orange ball around the side yard.

Hide and seek.

Walking the neighborhood and visiting friends we love.

Stories, songs, and princess-playing.

Coffee dates and chats with friends. (True.) 😉

Sometimes I wonder if I’m giving her a life that’s too ordinary…and then I smile.

This little girl has learned the value of finding the magic and wonder in the little moments that I so often take for granted.

Dear, sweet girl…thank you for finding a reason to celebrate each moment. You know what? I celebrate YOU. Even in the most ordinary of moments.

Because you?

You are extraordinary…and my life is so much more just that because you are in my days.

Filed Under: adventures, being mommy, blessings, Five Minute Friday, just life, Maelie, where I am

Behind the Scenes: When You Just Need a Refill

October 8, 2013 by Mel · 23 Comments

There’s a scene that greets me every morning, usually before six, that looks something like this.

For a coffee ~~guzzler~~ drinker like me, this particular scene could be considered tragic…because it means I actually need to get up out of my chair, leave my blanket behind, and shuffle to the kitchen for a refill. Yes, I’m freezing in the morning and am usually wrapped up as much as possible while I do my Bible study… 😉

That refill? It’s just what needs to happen because I know it’s not good for anyone…and I do mean anyone…if I choose to face by day with just one cup of caffeine. 😉

Maybe that was a bit of a stretch…but it’s so fitting for where my heart sits right now.

I am totally that empty coffee cup, the one with just the last few drops left…the one that is begging for a refill, for the good of everyone.

Friends, my words are gone, and I feel like I’m running on the fumes.

It’s been that way for the last few weeks as I’ve tried to write, tried to share…and nothing comes.

It frustrates me…I compare myself with others who are so good, with those who manage to string such amazing words together for days in a row, and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Which also tells me something…that, potentially, I’ve found too much of my identity in being a writer and not enough in being His daughter.

So there are facts. A lot of them.

I’m writing a book. Actually, it’s written. (I’ll still shout out an Amen! for that one. It feels good. ;))

But, more accurately, I’m writing a book proposal. (Or trying to.) Yep, this wordless thing also carries over to proposals, and I’m currently staring down a 15-day deadline. (Double yikes.)

The timing for this whole where-are-my-words? thing isn’t great. All year I’ve been looking forward to this amazing blogging conference…the one where I will have a chance to learn from and connect with so many awesome women and friends, in real life, that up until now I only know through computer screens. There’s also the opportunity to talk with publishers…kind of a necessary step toward becoming published. And here I am, throwing myself into a mix of writers when I don’t feel like one myself.

I know it’s a lie…one that the enemy desperately wants me to believe. One I can’t choose to believe. I can’t.

Because there’s also Truth.

A lot of it.

The truth is that I’m a bit empty…in a dry and desperately-needing-a-refill season. The kind where I spend more time soaking up than pouring…and though it’s hard, I have to continually tell myself that it’s not bad.

The truth is also that there are times…like now…when He asks me to sit at His feet and just be. To wait and listen and still praise…and be filled with Truth and His love and rest in the fact that I’m His daughter and that His plan for me will be fulfilled when it’s time.

I know this time of filling is so important…but it’s not what I had planned on for this season.

I had planned. No surprise to Him, though.

So I got up again this morning. Shuffled to the kitchen. (Yep, totally wrapped in my blanket…the turquoise and brown zebra print one, since I know you care about such details… ;)) Made the coffee. Sat down with my first mug and open my Bible. It’s 6:05 a.m. and the scene above is staring me down right now.

I think it’s time for a refill.

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Happy Tuesday, friends! Today is the day when I join some sweet friends at Crystal’s space for Behind the Scenes.

Wishing you all a great day! If you’ve got time, I know you’ll love the stories my friends are sharing today! You can click on the link below to find them.

Filed Under: barefoot, Behind the Scenes, coffee, encouragement, just life, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

Behind the Scenes: Saying No…and Maybe a Little Skipping

October 1, 2013 by Mel · 14 Comments

Hey, friends.

Just up front, I don’t know why I feel the need to explain this, but I do. It’s not me defending myself…I promise. Just a this-is-why explanation. With a cute picture at the end. 😉

So, it’s October…and I have to admit that I’ve been waiting for this month for a loooooong time. Not only do I love fall and pretty much all things pumpkin spice (who doesn’t?!), but it’s also the month when I finally get to wrap my arms around the necks of so many amazing women who have walked this dreaming and writing journey with me in the last year.

I almost want to actually get up and do a cartwheel in the living room, but it’s early, and I’m tired, so I’ll refrain from that…but I will let out a virtual

Squeeeeeeeee!

Thanks for letting me do that. 😉

This is also the month when a lot of my blogging community is participating in the Nester’s 31 Day’s series.

I love the idea…blogging for 31 days (the entire month) about a specific topic. (I actually did my own version of it a couple years ago.) And I’ve gotta be honest here…I’m dying to participate.

But I know me…and I know my current season. I’m very aware of a certain book proposal and chapter edits that are hanging over my head. (Good stuff but time consuming, to say the least.) I’ve gotta keep my head on straight (haha…does that ever happen?! ;)) and focus on the dream and taking the opportunities that are there…I might not have them again.

And?

I’ve also got this great little girl…and the days are slipping by.

Too quickly.

To the point where I want to run upstairs and interrupt her beautiful sleep at 6 a.m. just so I can hold her in my arms before she gets any bigger.

This season, God is also calling me to something great beyond writing: He’s calling me to embrace being a mommy completely.

I don’t say no well.

But I said no to blogging 31 days…not because I think it’s a bad idea. (In fact, I think it’s an awesome one!) But because, this season, He’s got greater things for me.

Things like…

...stepping away from the computer and going to the park.

...leaving my phone in the house and going outside to swing with my girl.

…putting down my Kindle and picking up a story to read with her.

…Pounding out a book proposal and editing like crazy when she’s sleeping. (Had to throw that in…it’s my reality. :))

All of those things.

Plus…taking the time to skip down sidewalks while holding a handful of flowers.

Ok, ok, maybe I’ll leave that to her…but I might grab her hand and join her one of these days! 😉

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Happy Tuesday, friends! Today is the day when I join some sweet friends at Crystal’s space for Behind the Scenes.

Take some time today and stop by if you can…the hearts of these beautiful women who share their stories will encourage you as you read what’s happening behind the camera lens.

Filed Under: Behind the Scenes, being mommy, blessings, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, just life, Maelie, where I am, writing

Five-Minute Friday: True

September 26, 2013 by Mel · 40 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s prompt: True

True confession?

I have a little obsession with making the top row of this linkup.

It didn’t start out that way, and it’s not necessarily ok or admirable or something I’m proud of…it’s just a confession.

And another one?

Tonight I sat there, singing songs and writing forms, marking changes and how many times we were singing the tag…and checking Twitter.

Missing out on #fmfparty, trying to follow along with random glances down at the pew between verse and chorus, not daring to actually tweet along…

But following.

And somewhere in the middle of Your Love Never Fails, the prompt went out, and I had to fight the urge to race into the hallway and figure out how to somehow blog this prompt from my iPhone, which I know is done all the time, but not by Mel. The girl who always writes everything from her computer.

And then I caught myself.

And since we’re talking true tonight, this might sound a little harsh.

Why is it that I feel the need to be first?

Oh, don’t get me wrong…it’s fun to tweet with my friends and then dash off our five minutes and spend an hour or so encouraging each other. That’s such the heart of this community and something I absolutely love about it.

But the truth is that competition doesn’t really help anyone. And, does it really hurt me to be mixed up in the middle somewhere, surrounded by beautiful sisters who love Jesus just as much as the lovely ladies in the top row do?

So, tonight? I’m going to spend some time loving on them…reading their words and their hearts.

And being thankful…for praise team practice, for the fact that I didn’t get home in time for the prompt, for the fact that I get to hang out somewhere new and fun.

I’m also making a promise to never, ever open Twitter during praise team again.

True story.

Friends? I have this rule, one that I’m seriously considering tossing out after the last two weeks, but not tonight. I always write the first thing that comes to mind with Five-Minute Friday…and this was it. Please know that I love each of you…regardless of whether you link up at #1 or #527. We each have a voice, one that should be heard…and I’m going to spend some time listening tonight.

Filed Under: church, encouragement, Five Minute Friday, just life, music, what I'm learning, where I am

Behind the Scenes: What He Gives

September 24, 2013 by Mel · 24 Comments

Do you ever have one of those weeks?

I’ve kinda had one of those months.

And it’s not that this is a huge pity party…because I’m really fine. My days are full of smiles and laughter, often thanks to the sweetest little girl who can brighten the darkest room.

It’s just been a season…one where my desires and plans don’t match up with what He’s got for me.

And that can be hard.

In some ways, it’s been a strange paradox of death but life, of laying down but embracing, of letting go but choosing hope.

And that’s what I need right now. All of this.

But, a confession? It’s been hard to pray.

When my heart is just heavy and tired, I don’t feel like praying. Pray for others…absolutely. But pray for me?

It’s tough.

And maybe that’s why I’m so thankful that He’s there and He hears and He answers cries we don’t even speak…

And He answers them like this…

…a sweet note in the mail from a dear dreaming sister, just to let me know she’s thinking of me. Oh, if she only knew how perfectly timed those words were. Still are.

…a little book that has been exactly what my heart needs each moment I open it. My sweet friend has no idea how much these words have meant to this heart, especially in the last weeks.

…a Friday morning text…”Can I buy you a Starbucks?” She doesn’t know how long it’s been since someone asked me that…or how much it meant.

…a book that most of the world has already read, (or it seems like it, anyway!), and I am just now diving in. Coincidence? Not at all…my heart grips each word a little more tightly than the one before.

…Hello Mornings and challenging verses and before-sunrise discussions and prayers that make me breathe thanks for sisters who walk this journey with me.

…just-because texts that bring a smile in the midst of a hard moment.

Each of these felt like God was reaching down to wrap me in His arms and tell me, It’s going to be ok.

The funny thing is, I know that…but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded.

I’ve been showered with blessings in the past weeks, both by my (in)RL community and my online one as well.

Blessings…it’s a word He keeps bring back to me.

And I’ll write more about that next week.

For today, just thank you.

Thank you to those who love me so well.

Thank you to my Father for the countless blessings.

Thankful.

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Happy Tuesday, friends! Today is the day when I join some sweet friends at Crystal’s space for Behind the Scenes.

If you’ve got time to hop over, you’ll find some stories that will definitely make your day. From the sweet and silly to the sad and sentimental, the stories that happen beyond the edges of a picture are truly worth sharing. Blessings and happy Tuesday, friends!

Filed Under: Behind the Scenes, blessings, friends, just life, what I'm learning, where I am

Five-Minute Friday: She

September 19, 2013 by Mel · 44 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s prompt: She

So I have this rule…

I go with the first thing that pops into my head when I see the prompt for a Five-Minute Friday.

You would think, with a prompt like she that would be a no-brainer.

Beautiful, fun, crazy, spirited, wonderful daughter…yep. There’s endless material to write about there.

However…

That’s not the she I thought of. So we go with it…and I give myself grace.

And forgiveness…right now, I don’t want to write about her.

Because she…she was the meanest person I’ve ever known.

The words that came out of her mouth were awful. The way she kicked my knees during choir and stomped on my pride in front of everyone…it was all just mean. The way she’d intentionally find a way to hurt me…

Sometimes I can’t even think about it.

I often resented even being in the same room as she was…I wanted to escape. And, yet…it was high school. Ya know how they have those laws about kids going to school?

Well, they kind of have to. And so I went, but I made every effort to avoid her.

And I honestly haven’t missed her a day since the last time I saw her sometime in May of 1996.

For years, I was sure that my interactions with her had scarred me for life, had wounded my soul, had made me less of a person than I would have been otherwise.

But I was wrong.

In the strangest way, she made me a better person. I learned from her how not to treat others, how to think before I act, how to make things right if I hurt someone.

The list goes on.

And today…on a random Thursday night…I think about what I might say if I ever saw her again.

Probably, it’s ok. And it’s over.

Because part of me wonders what ever happened to her…and if she was ever sorry.

I hope so.

Filed Under: barefoot, Five Minute Friday, remembering, where I am

Behind the Scenes: My Heart and an Invitation

September 16, 2013 by Mel · 27 Comments

This picture has popped up on my blog a few times lately.

Yeah, I think she’s pretty adorable.

A couple months ago, we took advantage of a Groupon deal and hired a photographer to come out to our C’ville stomping grounds and take some family pictures.

Let me tell you, friends…with a spunky toddler like we have, this was a tall order to fill.

But he rocked it, despite the fact that she was constantly on the move.

And? He managed to capture this gem.

To say that I. Completely. Love. It. is just scratching the surface.

Because what this is…it’s me and my girl and my passion and my heart all miraculously captured in one, beautiful photo.

For years, I have dreamed of writing. Of blogging, of publishing, of making a name for myself. (I didn’t say all of these were noble aspirations.) 😉

And during those years, another dream of mine has been dancing around my feet, sometimes holding my hand, sometimes spinning on her own.

This girl.

Maelie girl.

She’s fabulous.

And she’s my calling, my dream, my heart.

She is who I want to be my priority every second of the day.

Even over writing and blogging and publishing and being all that those things bring.

And so this picture…this snapshot of our moments…it represents so much.

Because I love my daughter to the moon and back. (Plus infinity…just ask her. ;))

I still love to write…

I still want to publish a book…

I still dream of being a contributor on a blog…and that one is happening soon, so stay tuned!

But my point?

Is that I want moments like the one in this photo all the time.

I want her all the time.

And so…I’m redefining.

Making mommyhood, marriage, a follower of my Father, a friend…priorities.

Oh, I’ll still write…’cause a writer still needs air sometimes. Plus, I just love to write…I can’t give it up.

But I’ll do that when she’s in bed. Or having her quiet time. Or watching her hour of tv (hour, not hourS).

😉

And I’m not perfect. I’ll fumble, I’ll fail, I’ll write a blog post while she watches yet another episode of Sofia the First or Doc McStuffins.

But where my heart is now?

It’s in that place where I don’t want to miss a single moment.

Ever.

And, friends?

I’ve been given a great opportunity, one I am incredibly thankful for, one I didn’t plan on…but one that God was weaving into His plan all along.

I am completely blown away by the opportunity to be an (in)courager.

Squeeeeeeeee! 😉 (Plus, imagine a little happy dancing, too.)

I am so excited to encourage and invest in the lives of other stay-at-home mommas like me…ones who, I have a feeling, struggle with many of the same things I do.

(In)courage has a new session of (in)courager groups kicking off this week, and registration is open! If you’re looking for a small group, a place to connect with women in the same season of life, a place to be encouraged…this is exactly for you.

You can go here to read the heart behind (in)courager groups AND to find one that is the perfect fit for you. Of course, I’d love it if you joined my group, but look for the one that best meets you in your current season. (And as of tonight, my group is full…but there are TONS of groups…go find one! ;))

Five-Minute Friday: Mercy

September 12, 2013 by Mel · 65 Comments

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, overthinking, or backtracking. Just write.

Today’s prompt: Mercy

Some nights I feel wordless…very wordless.

And tonight is one of them.

His Mercy Overwhelms Me. I know that much. I know how it has changed my life, how it has changed my heart.

I often talk about how thankful I am for the fact that His mercies are new every morning.

That’s because I. Need. Them. and I can’t pretend that I don’t.

I mess up…I have bad days, I say mean things, I do things that don’t honor Him…and I need His Mercy and Forgiveness.

I need those new days.

Recently I had A. Day. with my girl. It was just one of those frustrating ones…the kind when little, three year-old wills take over and don’t quite want to do what their mamas ask them to. Over and over, all day long.

And by the end, well, let’s just say I welcomed bedtime with a little happy dance. 😉

There weren’t a bunch of gushing, I-love-you’s as she cuddled down into her pillow and I closed her door for the night.

But the next morning when I heard her wake up?

I went into her room, and her head popped out from under her blanket, the biggest smile ever on her face.

We snuggled and said our good mornings…and it was a reminder to me, one that was so needed.

New mercies, new compassion, a new day.

Blessed.

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, encouragement, Five Minute Friday, just life, Maelie, remembering, where I am

Behind the Scenes: On Jellybean Bribery

Behind the Scenes: An Indonesia Moment

Five-Minute Friday: Ordinary

Behind the Scenes: When You Just Need a Refill

Behind the Scenes: Saying No…and Maybe a Little Skipping

Five-Minute Friday: True

Behind the Scenes: What He Gives

Five-Minute Friday: She

Behind the Scenes: My Heart and an Invitation

Five-Minute Friday: Mercy

Mel

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