A Powerful Mommy Moment

February 6, 2011 by · 58 Comments

I’m not even sure I know how to write about this.

It took

me over a week just to put the feeling into words.

But I’ll try.

One of the hardest things my husband and I have gone through in our married life was in 2009 when our plan to adopt fell through. I blogged a little about it here and here.

At that time, I almost completely lost the ability to write…hence the reason there are really only two posts about the subject.

However, one thing I found solace in was music…it was like an escape for my soul. Whether drowning out the world with my iPod and headphones or belting out a tune while strumming my guitar, it helped me survive when life felt like it would never be ok again. And one Friday afternoon in my classroom, the words to a song just came to me. The chorus? Came in like ten seconds.

The verses took about an hour. The bridge…I’ m still waiting on.

Sometimes in the mornings, Maelie will play on the floor and I’ll pull out my guitar and sing to her. Last Friday, in an attempt to get her to spend more time on her tummy, I decided it was a good day for some music. I strummed through a few familiar songs and then played the one I wrote two years ago…a song I really hadn’t touched since then. I’m used to her cooing or bopping to the music, but when I started singing that one, she stopped and stared at me intently, almost as if she understood what I was singing about.

And then I realized, Now I get it, too.

It was a moment that brought tears…but so many reasons to smile, too.

I am so very thankful for my daughter…not just for her but for what I’ve learned through her. That my Father is so amazingly Good. That there is healing after loss.

That it is possible to love even through sadness.

I am just so filled with overwhelming gratitude to God for my sweet girl.

Maelie Naomi, I love you so much.

Thank you, Father, for broken dreams that turn into something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for seeing when I couldn’t.

There I Am

It wasn’t what she’d dreamed,
She’d always had a plan.


It wasn’t what she wanted,
And she didn’t understand.
Every night she prayed
For a way to make it through.
In the sleepless nights she heard His voice,
“I will carry you…

Chorus

I was there, and I still Am.
I am right beside you holding your hand.


Though you can’t see,
Trust that I can.


No matter where you go,
There I Am.”

Disclaimer: So I did attempt to record this (it’s only part of the song), but my computer’s not the greatest for this kind of thing.

And I don’t really write songs. And I desperately needed to change one of my guitar strings.

And… I was really freaked out about posting myself singing on this blog.

So a little mercy, please. :) And…ok, just listen to it.

 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Sig

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, Maelie, music, remembering, what I'm learning

Micah 6:8 (Part 1): What DOES God Require of Me?

January 31, 2011 by ·

Disclaimer: This is not a theology blog. I’m not so much a deep thinker but more of a chatterbox while I do my thinking. :) Feel free to share your opinions or thoughts. In fact, I hope you will. :)

The verse Micah 6:8 has popped into my life on numerous occasions in the past few months. “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

The whole phrase, “What does the Lord require of you?” really stands out to me in this verse, even though it’s followed by three obvious things.

(Which will make up parts 2, 3, and 4.)

I was raised Baptist. This is not good, it’s not bad, it just is. I believe that my background, in some ways, laid a very good foundation for what God had planned for me.

But even at a young age, I felt that being Baptist meant following a lot of rules.

I should wear a dress or skirt to church, I should be at every service, I should never sing anything that’s not a hymn, I should never go to the movies.

Honestly, I felt like so much of it was based on appearance.

I attended a Baptist college. I found it to be a strange paradox. For one thing, I got an excellent education in terms of Bible knowledge, and the professors there really are good…and they’re nice, too…so this is nothing against them. But on the other hand, it was more of what I had grown up with…so much legalism.

So many rules. I struggled to follow them with the right heart and broke more than I will admit on this blog. And honestly, I still have some bitterness over all of those rules…but I realize that I need to make the choice to move on because that’s a reflection of my heart, not anyone else’s.

Tobin and I got married in 2002 and attended two different very conservative Baptist churches before a series of events brought us to Ambassador. Amazing church…there, we truly felt that we were accepted for who we were, not what we looked like, sang, or did with our free time. And while we’re being honest here, if we were still in the Twin Cities, we would still be at that church. We just loved it and it broke our hearts to leave.

But in moving to Illinois, we knew we would need to find a new church.

And that search has brought the question, “What does God require of us?” into our conversations on more than one occasion.

So here are my (our) observations, in no particular order.

  • God does not require us to be Baptist. He does require us to follow Him and have a real relationship with Him.
  • God does not require that we use the KJV. He does require that we follow His Word with all of our hearts.
  • God does not require us to follow other people’s rules or expectations. He does ask that we obey Him in each and every area of life. Some of those areas can be subjective based on convictions.
  • God does not require us to go to every possible church service that our church has to offer. He does require us to worship Him.
  • God does not require us to sing only hymns. He does require that the music we sing and play bring Him glory.
  • God does not require women to wear skirts. (This one is hard.) But I do believe He asks that we honor Him in what we choose to wear. All that to say, I don’t believe it’s my job to judge someone based on their clothing…skirts OR jeans.
  • God does not forbid going to a movie. I believe He asks us to honor Him when choosing a movie to watch. And I hope that if someone saw me at the theater, they would know me well enough to not even need to question what I might be going to see.

     

And really, this list could go on and on. I feel like far too many people see it as their job to lay out what God expects for us. As a Christian and follower of Him, I believe that God has done a good job of that Himself…and my job is to do what He’s asked.

I have felt so pressured in the past by the need to live up to the expectations of others. And when I make a choice that doesn’t fit into their (small) box, I am judged. That’s not good for anyone.

Tobin and I have found a church that is a good fit for us for now. It’s not Baptist. It IS based on the Bible. It is a place where we can serve and grow, be impacted and also make an impact. I’m looking forward to seeing what comes from it. For now, we are both enjoying the church and the freedom to be ourselves that we find there.

What DOES God require of me? I don’t always know, but I’m praying that He’ll continue to guide me (and Tobin). But what I do know is that I love Him and want to live for Him.

Sig

Filed Under: church, what I'm learning

Discipline

January 27, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

So a few days ago I ran across a blog post my friend, Janet, wrote. You can read it here.

I thought it was really great and kind of kept it in the back of my mind, hoping for some inspiration.

In it, she talked about how, for the past few years, she has chosen a word to focus on for the year, and when I read it, I really wanted my own word to come to me. It makes a difference in my relationship with God when I have a goal to strive for and a specific area where I can watch and expect Him to do big things.

Then on the way to Bible study this morning, I was listening to KLove, and they were talking about the exact same thing.

The only difference is that, this time, a word immediately came to me. Literally…before the stoplight turned green. :)

Discipline.

I know I lack it in so many areas of my life.

Whether it’s going to bed at a decent hour, spending a good amount of time with God, exercising every day, or controlling my urge to completely binge on chocolate, I definitely need more discipline in my life.

So that’ s my word for 2011.

And while it’s tempting to make a huge list of things I can work on, I need to start small otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed.

So let’s start with one goal. I also read a blog post here about the 5 O’Clock Club. It was fantastic…and convicting. I do not get up early and always have my time with God in the evenings. But I allowed the thought to cross my mind that maybe, just maybe, my days would be a lot easier and less stressful if I started them off right.

The thing that gets me is the 5:00 a.m. thing…I’m not really sure it would be good for anyone. (I have golden retrievers who get up at the first hint of noise.) Instead, I’m going to start realistically and set my alarm for 6:00. That will give me a good hour to get up, have my coffee, and spend some time with God.

To be honest, I’m not great at following through on long term goals, but the idea of a word for the year seemed to resonate with me and where my heart is right now.

So maybe this is my year to learn some discipline and follow through.

I’ll keep you posted.

Sig

Filed Under: goals, what I'm learning
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