Mohon Maaf Lahir Batin

July 10, 2011 by · 6 Comments

I learned a lot about the Indonesian culture while living there.

One of the most enlightening times was during Ramadan, the Muslim month of fasting. During this month (for those of you who are unfamiliar) Muslims don’t eat from sun up to sun down but instead focus on prayer and spirituality. (Most don’t even drink water during this time.)

The month concludes with Lebaran or Idul Fitri, a huge all-night celebration. This day is considered the mark of a new beginning or “new year”.

Along with this celebration is a ritual (?) that really makes me think and consider my actions and relationships. They say the following phrase to each other:

Mohon maaf lahir batin…Which translates, roughly, to, “Please forgive me for anything I may have done wrong in the past.”

I like it…a chance to make things right and to start over. An opportunity for each person to be intentional in asking for forgiveness and reconciling with those closest to him/her.

A couple days ago I talked about refocusing my thoughts and words, and I’m praying that it happens. I know it won’t be overnight, but I can work on little things.

And one thing I know I can do is apologize.

I know I get dramatic, heated, and opinionated…and while I believe there can be times when those are ok, I also know I exhibit those characteristics far too often…and crush the toes of others as I spout my thoughts and emotions.

So, Mohon maaf lahir batin. Please forgive me if I’ve said or done anything to offend you either through this blog or otherwise. It was not my intention.

I’m being shaped, pounded, and molded right now…and like it or not, I know it’s needed if I’m to be the person God created me to be.

Thanks for being part of the journey.

I truly am grateful for each of you.

Sig

Filed Under: what I'm learning, where I am

Searching for Importance

July 8, 2011 by · 6 Comments

Today I read possibly the best blog post ever.

It made me cry, it made me think, it made me re-evaluate everything.

You should take a few minutes and read it here. (Plus, if you don’t, then you won’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

:))

****************************

At the end of January I embarked on an adventure. In the past, my adventures have taken me around the globe, pushed my limits, and stretched my emotions. And for this latest adventure, I decided I needed to spend a year blogging my life…the ups, the downs, the joys, the sorrows, the smiles, the tears…the memories.

I just passed the five month mark, and other than a couple of days of giving myself a “pass”, I have blogged my heart out on virtual paper for the world to read every day. The thing with that

? Is that you get me on the good days, the bad ones, the ugly parenting days, the ones when Maelie has been a train wreck, the ones when I’ve been one, too. You also get me when my heart is fragile, when I’m over the moon, when Tobin and I have had a huge blowup, and when I can’t figure out who I am.

And you get a lot more, too. :)

The problem I have with all of that…the world doesn’ t read i

t. Some people do, but not nearly enough…at least in my m

ind.

I let it bug me a lot more than I

let on.

There’s an unwritten expectation in the blogging world that is hard to define. I believe it is best said that when a “wannabe” writer like myself starts a blog, he/she dreams of having a huge audience, tons of comments, and (eventually) generating income.

Hey, we can all dream. :)

But that’s not reality for most of us.

When I started the blog, I had lofty dreams. (insert sarcasm…just lettin’ you know :)) I mean, I’m funny, I’m witty, I’m a great writer…or at least I think I am sometimes. Why wouldn’t anyone want to read what I have to say? Um…

Because there are a lot of people out there who have a lot to say.

And what they have to say is far more interesting than the thoughts swimming around in my head that eventually make it to the blog.

For me, my blog was a search for importance in the midst of the biggest life changes I’d ever experienced. I was trying to figure out being a mommy (still am!), trying to find a place in a community I loved (still do!) but didn’t necessarily completely belong in yet, and trying to wrestle through the emotions of leaving behind one world for another.

I wanted to be someone important, someone who could change the world, even if I wasn’t on the other side of it anymore.

I was searching for validity in all the wrong places…from friends (in-person and online) who might offer some encouragement (and comments!) to other blogs that might let me guest-write.

There’s nothing wrong with that…as long as I don’t find my fulfillment in them.

Somewhere in those five months of hashing out my convictions, dreams, disappointments, victories, and failures, I lost sight of the real point of my blog…and of my life.

To glorify my Father.

The One Who said, Hey, I’m going to give this girl a teeny bit of writing talent. I want her to use it for Me.

It’s almost as if I threw it back in His face as if to say, No, I’ve got this all figured out…and I’m going to do it my way.

****************************

The author painted such a beautiful picture of following Christ in relation to blogging, and it doesn’t involve having a bunch of followers.

Growing closer to Him, that’s what I want.

Tonight I will be honest and tell you that I feel like a failure as a blogger, but more importantly, as a Christian. I’m continually thankful for the promise that His mercies are new every morning…especially today.

Because I need that promise more than ever right now.

Father, take away the need I seem to have for readers, for comments, for drama. Replace those things with a heart that wants to follow You.

Guard those thoughts that turn into words that don’t bring You glory. Squelch my unnecessary drama and teach me to wait before I spill those emotions.

Teach me to use my words to bring You glory and to be satisfied with what you give…two readers or two thousand.

Amen.

Sig

Filed Under: what I'm learning, where I am, writing

Stay

July 7, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Our friends/neighbors left on a mission trip yesterd

ay to Ecuador. They’ll be gone 2 1/2 weeks along with another adult and several teens.

I’ m happy for the

m. They just ooze passion for God and want to serve Him, and while I’ve never seen them with their teens, I have seen them with the kids in the neighborhood. They’re amazing.

But I have to admit that

as I watched them go…figuratively–there was no way I was gettin’ up at 4:30 a.m. to see them off!…there was a twinge in my heart.

Of jealousy?

Of pain?

Of sadness?

I really don’t know.

Here’s the thing. I’m not used to seeing other people go; I’ m used to being the one who goes.

That world out there is what changed my heart and my life…and I can’t get enough of it. As much as we truly believe we are supposed to be here for now, sometimes I remember those things that come along with going…

That last statement is still true when I think of our future.

Only, instead of the adventures that lie within the word, “Go”, they now lie within the word, “Stay”.

He says to us, Make my name known here.

You are here for such a time as this. You are called, you

are chosen, you are loved, you are mine. I love you with an everlasting love, and you can make disciples right here in your own country.

( Pardon my paraphrasing.

:))

The word stay is foreign to me. And yet, it holds an unknown factor, something that does still create a spark in me. I wonder, I dream…

And while there is a twinge of jealousy for those who get to go, doing what He has called me to do is far more important and truly is what burns in me right now, even if there is sometimes sadness.

I live, I love what is now…and my heart’s prayer is to be content in that. He has given that.

If, for some reason, I may Go again…I will pray to be content in that, too.

But for now, I will Stay.

Sig

Filed Under: adventures, what I'm learning, where I am

Marshmallow Musings…and Some Other Stuff, Too

June 30, 2011 by · 1 Comment

Ok, so tonight is a first.

I’m blogging outside by the firepit.

Just cause I can. :)

I’m not drinking coffee or Diet Pepsi tonight, even though it’s Thursday. If I had something in my hand, it would probably just be water anyway because I haven’t had enough today.

I’m not going to be able to stay out very long, though, because I forgot to plug in my computer and I have exactly 17 minutes of battery left. Bummer.

Oh, well. I can get a good start, at least.

So the title of this post is a little odd, but there is some truth to it.

The other night, Tobin and I were roasting marshmallows on these cute little roasting sticks he bought for me in the dollar section at Target. :) Really, they’re pretty cool.

Anyway, each time, we would put two marshmallows on, roast them (he is more patient and likes them brown; I stick them straight into the flame and burn ’em good…mmmm), and then stuff the gooey, melty, sugary, yumminess into our mouths in one huge bite.

That’s when I kinda had an Aha! moment.

What if we just roasted ONE marshmallow each time? We’d still get the gooey, melty, sugary, yummy bite…it just wouldn’t be quite as big.

Deep, I know.

But it would

? Save half the calories.

I’ll take it.

And then tonight I roasted a few more and found myself thinking about how cool marshmallows are. I mean, after I’ve eaten that amazing, gooey concoction…there is still marshmallow cream left on the stick!

I amaze myself. (And probably annoy you…haha!)

So eventually I’ll move on to another topic.

I mean, really, we can only converse about marshmallows so long.

But FYI…I don’t like S’mores. I’m weird, I know.

I got my hair colored tonight.

That’s a really good thing because I couldn’t believe how much gray was popping through. Seriously, I am not quite 33…how on earth did I go gray already

? I was going back and forth on whether to cut it or not…I’ve kinda been in growing-out mode since January with a couple chops in between.

I almost had her cut it off again.

Then I decided to be brave and NOT do that.

She did thin it out, though, which my hair needs, oh, every five minutes. Yeah, I’m blessed with gray AND with super thick hair. I like what she did to it…she diffused it and we loaded on the product…and it’s actually pretty cute. Kind of one of those hair days you want to freeze and have every day because you know you won’t have it again anytime soon. :)

Why is it that no matter what kind of hair we (as in women) have, we’re never satisfied? At least I’m not.

Since I will be perfect in Heaven, I REALLY can’t wait to see what my hair looks like there! 😉

It’s been a pretty rough week with Maelie. Nothing that’s her fault…I think she’s still getting over the roseola or at least the effects of the fever/rash. Poor little girl. Yesterday was especially rough; today was not too bad, but she didn’t nap much. I think one of the hardest things as a mom is to know that my girl isn’t feeling well…and I can’t do anything about it.

I’ve had so many frustrating moments with her this week, but a lot of those come from the fact that I just can’t do anything.

And I need to make sure I don’t direct that frustration at her because that’s not right.

Oh, the things I keep learning. Remind me to give myself some grace. Ok?

And a friend gently reminded me today to focus on the good moments in between the bad…and Mae and I definitely had a few sweet moments today. Like when she sat and cuddled on my lap for several minutes at the park or when she woke up from her nap in a wonderful mood and we spent over half an hour outside together swinging and going for a walk….and there were lots of smiles and laughs then.

I love my girl so much. And I’m thankful for her unconditional love

for me on the days I totally blow it as a mom.

I am so thankful for God’s grace and His mercies that are new every morning. (Cause I need ’em!)

So eventually in this conversation, the house will come up because it always does.

And this time?

I’ll tell you about the fantastic birthday gift my husband got on Tuesday…a phone call saying that we got the house.

We got the house!!!!!

(Should it be in bold?)

We got the house!!!!!

We’re still figuring out a couple small details but as of now, we’ll be closing on it by August 1st.

To say I feel blessed is a huge understatement.

Right now, I’m just so thankful for my Father Who hears what my heart desires…and cares.

Pretty sure I can’t top that one, so I’ll end this for tonight.

Thank you to each of you who prayed for us while we waited.

And tried to trust.

He is SO Good.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, hair, what I'm learning

Lessons From Indo (Part 1)

June 29, 2011 by · 2 Comments

Ok…so I know I promised to tell you all about Tobin’s fabulous birthday gift. And I will…tomorrow. :)

Today? We get to go deep.

It’s about time.

Th is

is something that’s been burning in my heart for awhile now, and a conversation with a friend last

night kind of sparked it again.

I don’t pretend to have this all figured out…it’s just w here

I am for now. And I would love your thoughts if you feel like leaving me a comment or sending me a private e-mail.

We have often said that the things we took away from Indonesia are almost impossible to put into words.

Tobin and I know how much we changed in so many ways, and we probably aren’t even aware of some of the changes still. Yes, it has been a year, but a year to “re-enter” after five years of being gone is not so much time.

But here are a few things…

We’re aware of the “stuff” mentality. That doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, but we do know that we need to be aware. After three years of marriage, we sold our house, cars, and most of what we had. Other than storing maybe 1/4 of what we owned, we got rid of everything else.

And the amount we got rid of? Ridiculous. In Indo, we accumulated, but not nearly as much. We ended up bringing home about the same amount that we took plus a couple extra suitcases…not bad for five years. But last August, when we went through all the things we had in the States, we were overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we still had. That’s kind of our new goal… to watch how much we accumulate.

And to not let things pile up. I still don’t have it figured out perfectly…just ask me and my purse closet. 😉 But after being around people who had so little, we are continually reminded that we don’t need a lot to be happy.

We value relationships more.

Or at least try to. Again, not pretending here. I’m still workin’ on this one. We spent years around people who had so few material possessions…and yet they were some of the happiest people I knew. They were part of a “community” of families and friends who would do anything for each other.

There’s a richness in that selflessness that I don’t see as often here, though it does exist…and I know people who completely value their family and friends and will do anything for them.

I have struggled through this lesson because of the dynamic of the family in which I was raised, but I am learning to value the relationships that I have with friends…and to be as selfless

as possible when it comes to them. Them first, me last. Like I said, workin’ on it. Not there yet.

:)

Home is temporary. You’ve heard me talk about this before on the blog…about how much I’ve struggled to feel like I have any sort of home at all. Living in transition will do that to a person. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I know that my true home is Heaven and that anything else is just temporary. But while on earth, our human nature is to want that place that is ours. And it’s ok to feel that way…as long as we don’t get so attached to a place that we’re unwilling to leave if God says, “Go.”

Along with that, I’m learning to keep my hands open with the future.

We are in the middle of I-Love-It-Here-Let’s-Stay-Forever mode.

Truly, Illinois was a gift to us, one that we did not understand the magnitude of at the time it was given. Here we have found healing, growth, a chance to start over, amazing friendships, a great church…the list could continue. But this is life for the here and now.

God could send us again…and we need to be willing to go if that happens. To be completely human and transparent, that thought breaks my heart in half right now. But we also know, from seeing it over an over again, that if God sends us, He will give the strength to do what we need

to do.

Possibly the biggest thing we took away from Indonesia was that GOD IS BIG. He is not some being who fits into a tiny box…He’s at work all over the place, and having the chance to actually see what He’s doing in remote places changed our lives forever. It gave us a different picture, a different understanding of the world and of our Father…the same One we learned about as little children. Society, in general, today seems so focused on whatever-works-for-you-is-good.

No.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be.

There is only ONE God.

And He’s BIG enough for everyone.

And I could keep going, but I think this is a good start. I’d love your thoughts if you’ve got something to say or something to share.

Thanks for reading. :)

Sig

Filed Under: culture shock, Indonesia, what I'm learning, where I am

Not Knowing

June 13, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

I let myself stress out over something over the weekend.

This week is VBS at Immanuel, and I volunteered to do games

for the 2nd-4th graders.

I know some of you are groaning right now, thinking, that sounds like about the most UNfun thing ever.

But you need to understand that I truly do enjoy things like that…and especially that age of kids.

They just crack me up…they live and act with complete abandon, not caring who might be watching. (5th grade? That’ s another

story. :))

And so I was really looking forward to the chance to hang out with kids that age again and be a “teacher” again.

But the one thing stressing me out was that I didn’t have a clue what was going on.

Part of that came from the few Type A tendencies that I have and part because I’m still kinda new and figuring things out…and it’s been over a decade since I’ve helped with VBS, too.

While I love to be spontaneous, I cannot be put into a situation where I have responsibility and not have the details planned.

But because of the circumstances, I literally had to go into things this morning semi-blind.

I guess we call it trusti

ng, huh

?

I woke up a little earlier than usual, spent some time reading my Bible on the porch, and felt A LOT better.

And then I had that moment…duh, Mel. Did you pray about it?

Not enough.

Those few moments spent with my Father

? Were worth so much more than the days I spent worrying about something that, in the end, was no big deal.

I showed up, hung out with some cool kids, played some games.

And I decided today that sometimes it’s ok to not know… but simply to trust.

And? I get to go back tomorrow.

:)

Sig

Filed Under: church, encouragement, what I'm learning

Comfort

June 10, 2011 by · Leave a Comment

Maelie gave us a little scare tonight.

She’d been sleeping for over an hour when we heard her cry out through the monitor.

It took both me and Tobin a few seconds to decipher her cry. Like any parent knows…it’s true that you can tell the difference between their cries.

Often Mae will cry from her crib in protest if she wakes up in the middle of the night. (Yeah…she’s not a fan of the sleeping thing.) When she does this we usually ignore it unless it continues for more than a couple minutes, which it hardly ever does.

However, this cry was not a whiny, I’m-so-not-wanting-to-be-in-my-crib cry. It was a I-need-you-now cry.

And it was Loud.

It’s funny that Tobin and I almost argued about who would go check on her. I won for a minute but told him to come up with me anyway.

When I opened the door Mae’ s nur

sery, it only took me a second to realize why she was crying. She’d gotten her leg wedged between the bars in her crib and it was twisted against the wall. It was virtually impossible for her to free herself from the position she was in.

But with the help of Tobin, her leg was free in just a few seconds. She cried a bit longer and wanted to be held and comforted by both of us.

Five minutes later, she was asleep again and is (hopefully) out for the night. (Thank you, God, for a daughter who sleeps peacefully through most nights. Really, thank You.)

After that little episode, I decided I needed to regroup and fight the writer’s block I’d been attempt ing to battle through for an hour with a long soak

in the tub. (Just a side note here, I take a lot of baths. That is to make up for the FIVE YEARS I spent without access to a bathtub.

For some reason, I felt you needed to know that.)

And while I was soaking and trying not to think,

I related my experience with Mae tonight to that of the Father.

How He recognizes our cries and responds to them.

He doesn’t always comfort us in the same way, but rather He gives us what He knows will best help us in that particular situation.

Sometimes that need is just a friend to listen or cry to.

Sometimes it’s an encouraging verse or Scripture passage. Sometimes it’s an e-mail or note from a friend.

Sometimes it’s a hug. Sometimes it’s alone time to teach me that He is enough.

But He always comforts, reminding me that He is near, even if I don’t always feel His presence.

Just my little piece of wisdom for tonight.

:) Happy Friday!

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, encouragement, what I'm learning

A Journey, Part 2

May 23, 2011 by · 2 Comments

Denomination: a name or designation, especially one for a class of things.

Denomination.

The word bugs me on so many levels.

Mostly because it creates distinction and designation within the body of Christ,

something I don’t prefer. There is nothing wrong with people who call themselves Baptists, Lutherans, Catholics, etc. It bothers me when those distinctions lead believers to elevate themselves over another body of believers.

I don’t think Christ would have wanted that.

Having a denomination or labeling ourselves is something that Tobin and I have chosen not to do…but we don’t judge those who do. We just prefer the term follower of Christ.

And that’s really where our journey begins. But before I dive into more deep thoughts I want to clarify something.

You might think from some of the things I have written that Tobin and I have disagreed with every church we’ve attended, and that’s not the case. Our last one was Baptist and we loved it.

I’m more referring to the churches preceding that one. On the whole, we disagree with certain things being taught in some churches. ABC…we loved. I simply have nothing negative to say about it, and that’s the truth. And I also can’t lay blame on any one church or college…because life is a series of experiences. There are many good things that were taken from those churches and that college I attended…and also some things that I am choosing to not take away. So please don’t see this as Mel’s bitter revenge but rather as a piece of the journey.

At one time there was some bitterness, but I am choosing to move on from that.

Ok, deep breath.

Tobin and I have said over and over that the most valuable thing we took away from Indonesia was a more open mind. Don’t misread that as us being tolerant of all things now…we simply view life from a different vantage point. We have seen how preferential differences in the body of Christ can be something positive rather than negative. Too often, many Christians believe that anyone who is different is wrong…and that’s not the case at all.

Tobin and I had quite the conversation about LOVE last week, which I eluded to in a previous post.

We’d been talking about how important LOVE is…how we can have so many things, do so many things, believe so many things…but without LOVE, it’s nothing.

LOVE was what Christ showed when he walked the earth, what he demonstrated when he went to the cross, what God showed when he let him

go to the cross.

But I think LOVE is lacking in some Christian circles.

My husband made a comment that has stuck with me for the last week, one that drives home the need for me to continually keep my attitude and mindset in check.

He said, “Because of the way I was raised, my first instinct is to judge rather than love.”

He is trying desperately to change that, and I’ve seen what can come from a human being making that decision.

It’s a blessing to me, my marriage, and my family, but I also thought, Wow. What if we all had that mindset?

Am I loving first

?

Most of the time, no. But I am seeing, firsthand, what it looks like when someone chooses love over judging.

It’s incredible.

So, armed with that LOVE…through, and only through, the power of Christ… we are trying to be follo

wers of him.

Because we’re no longer calling ourselves Baptists, does that mean that we’ve abandoned everything we were taught?

No.

In fact, our core beliefs have not changed.

However, are we following the expectations we experienced as children/teenagers/college students/adults?

No.

We’re learning what it looks like to walk the fine line of finding freedom in Christ without using grace as an excuse

to do what we want. Of being in the world without being like the world. Of making sure that our preferences still follow what God’s Word has to say.

Some of you are probably wondering why I’m even blogging all of this. At times it probably seems like too much information. And maybe I’m doing it more for myself than for others. But I did have the thought the other day that

If I had known me for years and read some of the things I’ve written lately, I’d wonder.

So maybe it’s my attempt to tell you that while some things have changed, I’m still following Christ. I still want that with all my heart.

And I’m trying to love others through it, too.

Sig

Filed Under: church, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am

A Journey, Part 1

May 22, 2011 by · 2 Comments

Today I’m going to open up my heart

in a way I never have before.

There will be some raw, tender moments…and I ask that if you choose to read this that you are careful with my heart.

It can’t take being ripped apart right now, especially by someone who has not been in my shoes.

But I do ask that you read what I write…cause that’s why I write it after all!

But if you don’t want to, that’s ok.

And now that I’ve completely contradicted myself? Let’s go.

I once read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Life’s a journey,

not a destination.”

So profound, and at the same time, so incorrect…at least for me in the place I am right now.

There is nothing wrong with a journey.

In fact, that’s what I’m going to write about today. I want my journey to be important, to matter, to be life-changing.

But as a believer in Christ, I must never, ever forget that it is the destination that is what’s important. And my destination, my true home, is Heaven. But there is plenty to be said for a believer’s journey and the impact he/she can have on earth.

God has taken me (and my husband) on quite the journey this past year, and I want to share it…truly share it…with you. I would be writing for hours upon hours if I attempted to fit it all into one blog post.

So, instead, I’m breaking it up into who-knows-how-many days.

We shall see. :)

This journey is one of faith, of validation, of assurance, of a search for Truth.

You see, my husband and I have been what the world would term Christians for most of our lives. We were both taught at an early age that Jesus died for our sins, that he rose again, and because of this, we could have eternal life in Heaven someday.

We know that…it has been ingrained and implanted in us for years.

We can give you the plan of salvation in a minute flat, Scripture included.

We know the answers for most situations and how to back them up with verses.

We can even flip our way through the Bible faster than most of you can. Ok, ok…so that’s not a fair judgment…I’m just sayin’. :) It’s pretty stinkin’ fast. It would be fun to have a contest sometime, though!

However, a few years ago, things started to shake a little…figuratively. And looking back, we see this shaking as a blessing in disguise.

We realized that we knew SO MUCH…but had no idea why we believed it.

We had been living in a more non-denominational community and were amazed by the things we learned. Forgive me for what I’m about to share…but bear with me.

Because I’m not lying.

The crux of it is that we came to a quite sudden realization that not just Baptists would be in Heaven.

Go ahead and pick yourself up off the floor…it’s ok. So we were kind of (or completely) raised to think we were right, and no one else was.

And before continuing with this thought, you need to know that the idea had been in our minds for quite awhile, though we’d never really talked about it.

The last church we attended in M

innesota was a Baptist church that was balanced and very Biblical. (And pretty amazing, too. Love you all at ABC. :))

However, suddenly we were around Christians from all types of backgrounds and denominations…and these people believed just like we did.

(Well, maybe without all the stuffy rules that we’d been guilted into following for years.) These people were passionate, on fire, and dedicated to loving the Father.

They put me and my rule-following to shame.

Shame.

As we got to know them and realized how much they loved God, we began to feel that we’d been deceived but didn’t know how to communicate that. And so, to a certain extent, we shut down.

And then after Indonesia, we moved to a new place. We knew no one…and we also knew that there was no better place for us to continue this journey.

Because here we were…in our 30’s.

And searching.

For what, we had no idea. But we knew God would show us in His time.

Part 2 tomorrow: Losing the denomination and following Him.

Sig

Filed Under: church, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am

A Little Less Indonesian

May 18, 2011 by · 2 Comments

This morning while driving, I stopped at a stop sign. (Novel idea, righ

t? ;))

Then I looked Left. Right. Left.

Another novel idea.

And then my heart skipped a beat.

It finally happened.

My Indonesian driving habits and instincts are finally disappearing.

M any, especi

ally those who have experienced driving in Indonesia, understand this to be a good thing. And probably a much safer thing.

I see it as yet another piece of my identity gone.

When I moved back to America, I wanted nothing more than to fit in.

But I also embraced those tiny little things that made me not quite American. My insane love for rice (thankfully, I still have that one), my use of the words aduh and apa, my sometimes-confusion at which side of the car I should go to, how I intentionally tried to not take certain things for granted…like working stoplights and a lack of cockroaches.

:)

I’m not sure who I am anymore.

Everything in me wants to be American with a bit of Indonesian thrown in there. I want to hang on to those things that I believe define me…the girl who lived in Indonesia, the girl who will try just about anything once, the girl who is special because her life has been so crazy.

I’m struggling with those beliefs and the reality of the things I’ve let define me.

My identity is not truly found in any of those.

It is, instead, found in my Father. Or, at least, it should be.

I look back on Indonesia with fondness.

At times I miss it. Other times, I ache for it.

Always, always, I am thankful to be here.

But once in awhile, I wish I was there. To maybe soak up a little more of that Indonesian-ness that is so truly unique…so that I don’t forget it. To be the bule that stands out in a crowd and makes random strangers want to take her picture…and maybe take one for myself so I can remember. And selfishly, to go purse shopping.

(Oh, I did love the purses

there! :))

But I am here and thankful. And when those little things start to go away, I am reminded that no matter what,

I am His.

He sees me not as A

merican or American with a little Indonesian or Indonesian wannabe.

He sees me as His child.

And no matter who I am or who I become, I will always be that.

Sig

Filed Under: culture shock, what I'm learning, where I am
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