Aimless

If there were ever a day I didn’t want to blog, I think today might be that day.

I think that means that maybe I will blog every day until I die?! (Just so you know, I did not commit to anything here…)

Just sayin’.

Blogging feels like that part of my day that’s necessary, the part that’s good for me. Right now, I need it. Maybe a day will come when I don’t, and as strange as that sounds…I need routine and familiar and all that is what my life is. For now.

I hate dark days. I hate them when I’m on the verge of tears, and the more I try to distract myself, the more those tears come.

It wasn’t a bad day. It really wasn’t…I was determined to find some sunshine in it. The problem is that it was so dang cold, even though the sky was blue and the actual sun was shining.

It should have been a day to go to the park and get lost in the swings and the slides and the little animals that she can’t quite balance herself on. Yet. To walk through the neighborhood singing songs like we always do. To sit in the backyard playing with the dogs and the sandless sandbox and the slide and maybe do a little guitar strumming and tune-belting.

But at a whopping 41 degrees, it was NOT a day for any of those JOY-producing things.

Instead, we went to Target to get coffee because I used up the last of it this morning. I figured it would be a good diversion and get us out of the house for an hour. We’d barely walked through the door when we saw a friend from church. We chatted with him for a bit, he shared his coffee with Mae 😉 and then we were on our way.

To do what, I don’t know.

I walked that store for what seemed like forever. I had a list of a few things I needed, but I mostly just wandered aimlessly. It was the most frustrating, confusing trip to the land of familiar that I’ve ever had in my life.

It felt like I was there for a purpose, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

And then I thought about it…how this journey of mommyhood has been just that. And I mean the whole shebang…from adoption to no-adoption to heartache to JOY to finding a way to grieve and be full of that JOY at the same time.

It truly feels like aimless wandering sometimes.

And as I was strolling and pretending like I knew what I needed, I looked down at my girl who was, for once, patiently sitting in the cart. She stared at me, almost as if she were searching my eyes for answers.

I had none. Instead, my eyes filled with tears, and as she stared at me, hers started to fill, too.

I think through those tears, God gave me an answer.

Maybe that there isn’t one.

Sometimes life just stinks. And we cry and we grieve and we hurt. And then we go to bed and wake up…and we have a new day with new mercies and new blessings and new chances at JOY and sunshine and a little less hurt.

We took time to remember her a little today. Ice cream and some smiles and some wondering, but not too much.

Because we don’t truly need answers when we know Who holds us.

Looking forward to the bright hope that is tomorrow.

He is Good.