My Sunshine Girl

May 11, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Maelie has been a bit under the weather the past few days. :(

This afternoon, though, she was doing ok, and so we took the opportunity to soak up some of the gorgeous, sunny 70’s of the day…and this was her hat of choice. Which she wore the entire 30 minutes we were outside.

Did I mention it was in the 70’s?

Oh, I love her. Would appreciate prayer for her, too…not sure what’s going on, but she just isn’t herself and can’t seem to kick this cough that’s been hanging on for almost two weeks.

Wishing you all a wonderful Saturday! We’re going to explore the wonders of actual sand in the sandbox…it will most likely be epic! 😉

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, just life, Maelie

Worth Seeing

May 10, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

This has been going around facebook for a couple of days.

It is so amazing. SO.

Rather than give you my take…just take ten minutes and watch it for yourself. You won’t be sorry.

You can find the intro to the video here.

Sig

Filed Under: marriage, what I'm learning

On Giving Up the Grudge

May 9, 2012 by · 4 Comments

Tonight is a not-so-short account of some stuff I need to share. Sorry for the length and scattered thoughts, but maybe you will connect with where I’m coming from. Thanks for reading. :)

When it came time for me to choose a college after high school, I chose a small Baptist college in Iowa, which I attended for five years. (Yeah, five…I crammed four years in that way. ;))

Names aren’t necessary…I mean, there aren’t that many Bible colleges in Iowa; I’m sure you could look up the grit if you feel like it.

Attending there was a decision I made with quite a bit of pressure from some people who were very influential in my life at the time. I think I chose the college mostly to please them; I had previously been accepted to a liberal arts Christian college in Hannibal, Missouri, which I was SO excited about. But, being that it wasn’t strictly Baptist, I think it’s fair to say I was somewhat guilted into changing my mind.

So I did.

And I will also admit to you that I never even looked at the handbook to my college of choice until I arrived on campus for freshman orientation. I think that alone says a lot about how eager I was to “do the right thing” in the eyes of people I knew were watching every move I made.

When I arrived, I was surprised (overwhelmed? shocked? horrified?) with the many rules I was being forced to obey willingly. (Yes, that oxymoron was intended.)

Everything was dictated, down to when I could wear jeans (almost never) and what kind of music I could listen to (hymns and classical only) to what kind of shoes were appropriate for classroom dress (read: NOT yellow jellies…ooops!) and what kind of outside activities were unacceptable (movies, single-dating, dancing, etc.)

Really, the list goes on and on (and on and on) and the purpose this post is not to bring all of this to light. If you’re that interested, feel free to check out the handbook online; I am fairly certain that it has not changed all that much since I graduated in 2001. (Although the women don’t have to wear nylons anymore, and for that, I think I will always be a little bitter. ;))

What this IS about is the grudge against this institution that I held for a decade or longer.

The grudge that was slowly tearing me up.

The grudge that was doing more damage to the person holding it than it was to those against which it was held.

When you’re in a position where every decision is practically made for you, when it feels like the number of things that are not acceptable to do with free time is greater than what’s acceptable, when it feels like freedom to go home for Christmas break and wear jeans…

That’s when some negative feelings start to seep in.

And it’s easy to let them take over.

If you know me at all (or have read the blog for very long), you know that I have obviously changed quite a bit since that phase in my life. Jeans are my clothing of choice, year round. I wear tank tops. I go to movies. I attend a Lutheran church (Which I love, love, love.) with both traditional and contemporary services and (gasp!) drums and a worship band which I sing with sometimes. (More love, love, love.) I read versions of the Bible other than the KJV, I’ll go to the occasional girls’ night out, and I read books like Confessions of a Shopaholic and the Hunger Games. (Did I mention I’m going to the movie next week? Can’t wait!!!)

And I also really try to live each day by walking in the Grace that I have been so freely given.

But I do have to confess that I’ve far too many conversations with people as I process (and laugh about) the multitude of rules and regulations I was forced to obey at this school. It’s a great conversation piece since most of my friends have never been subjected to this kind of environment…and yet, I know that there are some bitter feelings buried.

Or, not-so-buried.

And here’s the thing…I did agree to go there. I did sign a paper saying I’d obey. And for the most part, I did…though there was that time two of my roommates and I hid a hamster in our dorm room. And the time that we cranked up At the Beginning from Anastasia and sang and danced to it until we were laughing so hard we couldn’t stand it. I guess we’d call those moments of rebellion, but they sure did create memories. And. So. Much. Laughter.

Five years of all of this, for better or worse…it’s how I spent my introduction to adulthood.

Two weeks ago Maelie and I made a trip to Iowa. After we’d met some friends for dinner on Tuesday night, I had to practically drive right by the college to get to my friend’s house where we’d spend the night. (It was two blocks out of the way.)

I hadn’t even seen the campus for probably eight years, and I have to admit to you that my heart pounded as I approached NW 4th Street, but I did it.

I drove by.

Rolled down my window.

And whispered…

It’s over.

And with that, I made the decision to give up being bitter.

I can’t get those years back, but who can change the past?

What good is going to do me to hold on to this grudge?

Zero…it’s only going to hurt me.

Why would I do that to myself?

When I am truly honest with myself, it wasn’t all bad. I got an amazing foundation in the Bible. (Well, minus the 7 a.m. classes that I was never mentally present for. ;)) I made some lifelong friends. I had the chance to travel with a vocal ensemble and handbell group…which were both really, really fun…and there’s zero sarcasm there.

And it is almost certain that I would never have met Tobin and be where I am if I hadn’t gone there.

What I took away from that school was far greater than what it took from me.

And that’s the truth, even though I feel sometimes like I was gypped out of being an adult. (Thankfully, I am mostly still sane…though I think I need to turn off comments on this post to keep you from countering that!) 😉

So I gave up the grudge.

Decided to focus on the blessings that came out of it AND the ones right in front of me.

Life is good…and it’s also not perfect for anyone.

And I’ll choose to make the best of it and find the JOY that is all around.

Because God is GOOD…and He always will be.

What about you? I’m curious if you’ve ever struggled to let go of some bad feelings. Please share. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, friends, remembering, Tobin, what I'm learning, where I am

Caffeine, How I Love Thee…

May 8, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Let me count the ways.

Ok, ok, enough. 😉

Tomorrow I’ll be serious again and write about why it stinks to hold on to a grudge…and how I’m learning to let go of some things.

But today, I’m just up for caffeinated chit-chat. We’ll see what comes up. :)

We were blessed with gorgeous sunshine for all of the morning and part of the afternoon. Though I have to admit that I didn’t necessarily feel up to it, I forced us out of the house, and Mae and I took a walk to the park. She loves the one that is close to us and, for the most part, the playground equipment is just her size.

She played happily for a good 20-30 minutes, and then we headed home for her favorite snack and a nap. T’was fun.

I’m dragging today…was up a bit later than usual last night thanks to my Monday night workout. Something about getting my heart rate going for so long that late at night makes it almost impossible for me to sleep before midnight on those nights, though I do think I crashed around 11:30 or so.

Still…ugh.

It was hard to find the energy to get up this morning. (Insert three cups of coffee.) Sigh.

So I’m kind of in a weird mood and spent the last half hour or so looking at old Indonesia pictures. (Well, not that old.) 😉 It surprises me how much the ache that fills me is so familiar…almost like the pain of missing it will never leave. It is just forgotten for long stretches, but when it returns…oh, boy. I had myself a good little cry, and then smiled.

No use in crying over something that was mostly pretty wonderful. And really, it was just a tiny slice of life in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve been thinking about that lately…about how each step leads to the present and how, though those steps seem important…and they ARE…they really are just a microscopic part of God’s plan for each of us.

I love where we are right now, and soaking up the blessings of being “home” is easy at the moment. But as we were driving home from Minnesota a few days ago, I let my mind go to this place that I hardly EVER go.

What if He asks us to go again?

Thinking that question usually involves a lot of head-shaking and eye-squinting and heart-reassuring that we’re here for good.

But I guess I don’t really know that.

It boils down to obedience…and keeping my heart in the place where I’ll listen to Him when He speaks. But I also know that my God gives good things to us when we desire His best, and He knows what I desire. So I trust that He’ll give me just that and let me stay.

I have no idea why I went on that little tangent, but hey…it’s life.

And my life is full of thinking and processing, so sometimes weird things spill onto the pages of this place. Hee hee.

😀

Speaking of giggles, I found a few fun pictures while browsing Indo-life…I thought you might enjoy them. I seriously smile despite the quirkiness of a couple of these. I’m so thankful for the five years of crazy and wonderful and mixed-up and blessed that we were given in the land of nasi and motorbikes and sweet people.

Aaaahhh.

It did my heart good to do some reflecting.

Ok, the pics. Enjoy. :)

I forgot we had these. Can we say CRAZY hair day? (Really, that’s what day it was.) But this was mostly Tobin, because I? Can totally rock the Princess-Leia-meets-polka-dots look any day. 😉

This paradise was ours for four days…seriously. We booked a hotel that was incredibly cheap because it had just opened and apparently no one knew about it yet. We stayed in this brand-new, five-star gem for around $25 a night and had the place to ourselves. Can we say Happy 5th Anniversary?!?! It was oh-so fun. :)

This picture completely cracks me up. One year on Indonesian Independence Day, August 17, our school hosted a community celebration with all of the traditional games. This one involved tying a string with a nail on the end of it to the back of your pants. Then, squatting, you had to get the nail into a glass soda bottle, pick the bottle up between your legs without the nail coming out, and run to the finish line. I am the second from the left (barefoot…big surprise!) and was the proud runner-up. Oy… 😀 

And this would definitely be included a perfect day…sitting on the beach. Preferably this Indonesian one. With some coffee and friends. :)

Just a few fun, incredibly random, memories…thanks for stopping by the blog today!

Sig

Filed Under: barefoot, blessings, friends, Indonesia, just life, random, remembering, where I am

Quit Explaining Everything

May 7, 2012 by · 4 Comments

I had a huge AHA! moment the other day.

Yes, it deserved capital letters in bold. It was that big. Well, at least for me. 😉

I read this blogger a lot. She is funny, she is witty, she’s extremely insightful, and while I don’t always agree with her, I find her honesty and ability to throw it all out there refreshing.

It all started with the story of the student who got kicked out of a certain fundamental university (not mine) for protesting against a member of the university board who had excused/helped hide a devastating crime…a member of his church raping an innocent teenage girl and getting away with it. (This blog post is not about that, and I truthfully don’t know all the details, so I’m not sharing my thoughts…just giving a little background. Google will give you more information should you want to read more.) The university said he was expelled for excessive demerits and for watching Glee. (That made me laugh out loud.)

The whole idea of demerits got this blogger friend of mine thinking…and digging for details. (She’s very good at that.) What followed were three posts wherein she brought to light some of the ridiculous demands of students at this institution. At times I felt she was a bit harsh, having lived a good part of what she wrote about, BUT she had some very, very good points (interspersed with her one-of-a-kind sarcasm), especially in her last post.

It was as if she took the confusion and questioning and anger that swirled around in me for a decade and finally gave me some peace. Or God gave the peace and she helped…either way, I think I found it a little. Anyway, you can read the article here.

For the most part, I nodded my head in agreement. And then the light bulb came on right in front of my eyes, and I could suddenly see. (Sight is a novel idea. Really.)

It. Was. Amazing.

Truly.

An excerpt:

“What happens when you live like this is that you never develop your own decision-making skills. 

You’re constantly seeking prior approval for everything. After awhile, you can’t LIVE without permission. You begin to panic when faced with a decision–how will you ever make this decision without approval/permission from the “God-given authorities” in your life?!

One of the things I had to work on in therapy was not apologizing for everything and also not feeling compelled to explain everything I did. I had been raised to believe every decision Reverberated Through Eternity! and so I was always ready with “Biblical reasons” for ANY decision I made. It was like I couldn’t do something without a Bible verse to back it up.”

–from elizabethesther.com

So, that’s kind of me.

In general, I worry that every move I make is being watched, judged, and should I slip up…or even think I’ve slipped up…an apology is immediately necessary as is groveling and shame.

There’s something wrong with that.

A couple of months ago I started recapping our anniversary trip. When I posted pictures of Spain, there was this certain picture…one that Tobin and I talked about at length before posting it.

That’s because it had a bottle of wine in it. And, yes, we did drink the wine if any of you have been speculating. Now you know. 😉

I felt like I needed some sort of explanation…or apology. As I expressed that to my husband, the one who is surprisingly far more balanced than I am, he was like, No. No, you don’t need to explain anything.

And the fact is…no, I didn’t. We drank wine on our trip. We drink wine here in the States, too. 😉

It is a personal decision, one we don’t feel violates anything Biblical, and it’s not up for judgment or analyzing. It is what it is.

Next week I’m going to see The Hunger Games. After spending over a decade of my life sneaking around, never admitting that I actually go to movies, I’m gonna tell you that I do, in fact, go to the theater AND that I’m pretty excited about seeing it on the big screen! And no explanation necessary.

I went out and bought a new pair of jeans last week. I needed them, and that’s that. For some reason, I even felt that I needed to explain that decision. And. I. Don’t. My butt was too small for most of my current jeans (not sure I will EVER type that sentence again!) and so I went out and bought what I couldn’t find at Goodwill.

And, not like you needed even that much info, but that’s that.

Though I don’t use profanity on my blog, occasionally I’ll use a word that some may deem inappropriate. I’ll never forget the day after I used the word fart. I do believe I actually wrote an entire post the next day, apologizing for my use of the word.

Golly, Mel. Quit Apologizing!

There are facts…

That no matter what we do, people will judge.

That there’s not a person in the world who will share every single thought and opinion of mine.

That I’m the one who’s held accountable for my actions, words, thoughts…not anyone else.

So, that’s a new goal of mine…to explain and apologize less.

To live a little more…live according to what God wants and to forget about what others think.

Easier said than done, I know. But it is a start.

And if you’re interested, tomorrow (or the next day) I’m posting about a seriously GOOD moment I had a couple weeks ago when I drove by my old college. It took me awhile to process, but I’m looking forward to sharing it.

Sig

Filed Under: just life, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

Sunday Night at the Moment…

May 6, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Thinking about sleep and how wonderful it will be tonight. Road trips kinda drain me, and I can’t really sleep in the car. The Dodge Caravan makers did nothing to help that situation, either. Two thumbs WAY down for the headrests! Also about how bad that gas station coffee was today. Blech…and shudder.

Wishing for long chats with friends. And coffee dates. And a really, really BIG slice of cake with lots of frosting and two forks. It’s a good thing we don’t have any cake in the house right now!

Wondering how God is going to answer some pretty big questions right now. Struggling to trust, but knowing that He’ll give what we need.

Loving on my girl. Golly, she’s cute and huggable. She is not a roadtrip rockstar, but her sweet smile and general adorable-ness force me love her to the sky and back despite the sleepless hours spent rather un-quietly.

Drinking tea. (Getting over a cold.) Out of my Scotland mug from a friend. Scotland, tea…it works. :) It’s wild berry, and I put not-enough honey in it. Oh, well…I’ll conserve my energy and drink it as is.

Eating nothing. I wish? I were eating chocolate. But chocolate is better with a friend. So I’ll wait. 😉

Remembering a couple weeks back to a night that I laughed harder than I’d laughed in a long time. Happy memory. Thinkin’ we should all laugh more.

Stressing over not much at the moment. I really try to not think too far ahead, which could be good or bad, depending on who you are. The crazy of summer will be here fast enough…I’ll enjoy my last few weeks of chill.

Fighting myself on submitting something to a blog. It’s daring, it’s SO out of my element…and I think it could be really good. Need to be brave and give up the fight.

Looking forward to putting up Mae’s swimming pool and celebrating two and dates to the park and walks with friends and early-morning running around the park and all things sunshine and summer and wonderful.

Listening to the nightly episode of Blue’s Clues, interspersed with the sweetest little voice letting out a little giggle or sharing what she knows. So good.

Watching a computer screen. 😉 Obviously nothing since Blue is dominating the screen. Thinking about a tear-jerker of a chick flick and snuggling under a blanket once the girlie is in bed. The Notebook, anyone?

Singing a lot in my head. Nothing aloud at the moment, though this is most definitely a favorite lately.

Regretting cruddy days and swollen eyes and words that ruin moments we can’t get back.

Thanking Him that there are such things as forgiveness and grace and that tomorrow is full of new mercy.

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, just life, where I am

Little Blessings (Pt. 34)

May 5, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

:) Sunny days, just-a-little-pink shoulders, and flip flops.

:) Catching up with friends I don’t see often…but friends who will always have a special place in my heart.

:) Afternoon naps when it’s dark and stormy outside.

:) Caribou Coffee.

:) Cuddling and seeing the sweet smiles of my precious nephew…the one who had to have heart surgery when he was just a week old. So incredibly thankful that he is here with us.

:) Family time and my favorite dessert ever. (Ask me about it…I’ll gladly make it for you as long as you share with me. ;))

:) The cool ways that God answers prayer.

:) Having good memories of a place that used to be home.

:) A huge AHA! moment…one that you will probably be hearing about very, very soon. 😉

:) Sleep…eight hours of it coming my way.

G’nite, friends. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, just life

Five-Minute Friday: Real

May 4, 2012 by · 1 Comment

Today I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama for Five-Minute Friday.

Join me!

The rules: Write for five minutes. No editing, revising, or overthinking. Just write.

Today’s Topic: Real

I am a person who doesn’t typically have a problem being real. I’ll tell you the details of my day, laugh over the crazy things that happened, cry over what hurts, and just generally give you what’s on my heart. It’s how I connect, how I love, how I’m real. 

Sometimes I think it bothers people when I truly open up. Maybe, as a general rule, people are comfortable with NOT knowing everything. I could, in fact be one of those rare finds…because I want to know about what’s going on in your life…

So I can know you, pray for you, love you by caring about you.

I’ve found…in the many places life has taken us, in the midst of the unpredictable, in the thrills of this life that is a roller coaster…that being real is what creates the deepest, most long-lasting friendships.

Being real is what brings life and love to relationships.

I know there will always be days when I share too much and am a little too honest. It’s just how I am.

But I love that can be real in this community…and so I’ll choose that.

What’s real with you? I’d love to hear. :)

Sig

Filed Under: barefoot, blessings, Five Minute Friday, where I am, writing

Sara’s Story

May 3, 2012 by · Leave a Comment

Last September a friend of mine passed away. I’d been faithfully reading her blog for quite awhile, and she was truly one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever known. Even if I never met her.

Because that’s how this works…I feel like I know my sisters and friends through the things they write. Even if we never actually get to exchange hugs in person.

Last weekend, as part of the (in)RL conference, (in)courage featured Sara’s story…the story of this sweet friend. They have graciously made it available to everyone because they believe…and so do I…that it’s something everyone should see.

It’s a bit lengthy…around 30 minutes…but I promise you. I PROMISE. You won’t regret it and it WON’T be wasted time. I think it’s life-changing. (But, I warn you, have tissues ready.)

Enjoy. :)

Sig

Filed Under: blessings, friends, remembering, writing

Bless This Mess of Mommy-ness

May 2, 2012 by · 2 Comments

Oy.

All the coffee in the Starbucks on 31 could not make up for today.

Oy.

Oh, I already said that.

So, Maelie has been battling a nasty cold/cough this week. We’ve been home all week except for a quick trip to the doctor yesterday, and this morning I decided we just needed to get out. No fever, just a runny nose and cough. Armed with tissues and a sippy of juice, we ventured to…where else?

Target.

I hadn’t washed my hair for over two days…and it had been at least that long since I’d completely removed my eye makeup, too. Not sure what I was wearing, but I’m pretty sure I looked rock-star quality…ish.

But I needed a couple things and wanted to look at the Target on Randall for something I couldn’t find at the one on 72.

Ooooohhh…I think to myself as I park the car. I forgot this one has a Starbucks. I sure could use one today.

:)

Since we’ve been trying to be more careful with money, I don’t go to Starbucks anymore. Still…I thought it would be kind of fun to get a frappuccino (a light one) and share it with Maelie. The barista was nice and even put part of it in a little cup with a straw just for her.

So off we went through the red and white aisles, sipping our Bux together.

Yes, I realize I am giving my daughter caffeine…there also wasn’t that much in there. I just want to clear that up…thanks. 😉

However, I failed to remember that when I’m sick, cold things tend to make me cough more, and it was no different with Mae. No sooner had she started drinking this glorious, chocolatey concoction when the cough flared up. Badly. Fail.

She was hacking so loudly that I pulled out a tissue to kind of muffle the sound and/or catch whatever might be flying out. Poor sweetie.

People looked, and I tried my best to ignore them.

But there was that one lady…oh, I let her get to me. She stopped her cart five feet away and stared me down while Maelie coughed and coughed.

I could feel the judgment burning.

Everything in me wanted to look her square in the eye and tell her that I had taken my daughter to the doctor and, though she sounded bad, she was really fine. I wanted to and I should have…but I didn’t.

I didn’t stick up for myself, and I think that was my second epic fail of the day.

I hurried through the aisles, desperate to get out of the store as quickly as possible, feeling like an utter failure as a mommy, and to top it off, I wasn’t feeling pretty. I know, I know…but it DOES help when your hair and makeup are actually done well.

I made it all the way to the cash register before the tears fell. They’d been brimming the whole time, and something about how the girl said, How are you today?, made them course down my cheeks.

Thankfully she was willing to listen to this poor, first-time, feeling-like-a-disaster, mommy pour out her heart over something that wasn’t nearly as big a deal as she was making it. She was sympathetic…more than she needed to be, but I sure did appreciate it.

We headed home and had some lunch, played a little, read some stories. I was incredibly ready for her naptime…mostly so I could start checking things off my extremely lengthy to-do list before we leave tomorrow night for Minnesota.

Guess what?

No nap. She. Didn’t. Sleep. A. Single. Minute. All. Afternoon.

I got a few things done while she protested (loudly) and finally gave in and got her up. I’m thinking that the caffeine might also qualify as an epic fail…perhaps?

How many is that for the day?

Tobin got home with, thankfully, enough energy to play with Mae for awhile so I could go run off two-point-something miles of steam, and I got home, we ate dinner…all was good.

Until…bathtime.

Tob was outside mowing, and I took her upstairs for her bath. I plopped her in the tub, she was playing happily, and I turned my back for a second.

A second. Seriously.

And then I heard the splash.

She’d taken the 64 oz. cup we let her play with sometimes, filled it with water, and poured it over the side of the tub.

By now I’m sure I was saying much more than Oy…

I mopped up the mess, got her into her pajamas, and very gladly passed her on to my hubby.

Confession? I don’t feel like I was a good mommy today. At all.

In fact, I feel like a greasy-haired, smeared-makeup, sleep-deprived, mess.(Except I washed my hair after my run so I can’t play that card anymore. ;))

I just sat down again after going upstairs for a cuddle, a song, and a prayer…necessary things even though he was the one who put her to bed tonight.

And despite the day we had together, I am still so completely, madly in love with my daughter.

So, tomorrow, we’ll wake up, try again, and hope for a much better day full of laughs and memories and things that bring joy…and no caffeine. :) I’ll love her even more than I do right now, though I always wonder how it’s possible…even though it always is.

Because that’s what blessed, mommy-messes do.

Sig

Filed Under: being mommy, blessings, just life, Maelie, where I am
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