Just Life…Because It’s Been Too Long

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How is it November 21st already?

Or, more accurately, how is it that I have yet to write something this month?

So I’ve started and even almost-finished a few posts lately.

….like the letter I wrote to the waitress we had the other night when Maelie wanted to go out for pancakes. She was kind of mean. Or a lot of mean. And I decided maybe I should give her some grace and not push publish. Because I am not mean.

…And then there was the spiel I started writing about leggings and why they aren’t pants but they are…and I didn’t get very far because it seems that every blogger has spoken his/her piece on that subject. (I did appreciate my snarky thoughts, but I’m not sure y’all would have. Plus, I wear leggings. Gasp.) 😉 But maybe I’ll share that one anyway. Later.

…And I even tried to write about life a few times. Just life.

And I think that’s where we’re landing today. We’ll see how it all goes. :) So grab your coffee and a heated blanket if you’re in the Midwest…because, helllloooo, evil winter, who decided to come Way. Too. Early.

Maybe I should write about the weather. Or not. (Plus, I don’t live in Buffalo…therefore I have absolutely nothing to complain about.) 😉

The truth is, friends, it’s been a quiet season. Quieter than I ever could have anticipated. Life has been full of raising a four year-old, of a few other things sprinkled here and there, and of a lot of reflection.

There is a part of me that hates the whole reflecting thing…I mean just how much can a person think about a particular life event? Or two?

Apparently…A. LOT.

So, the truth…and life…in I-hope-not-too-many words, but I forewarn you. I’ve gone 21 days without a blog post. 😉

This season of grief has been hard. I can’t believe how many reminders come up. I’ll be having a good week and then I’ll see a pregnant woman and just about lose it. I’ll have to stop and catch my breath or even turn and walk away.

My God feels so very far away.  I have tried to walk with Him through this…or allow Him to walk by me. Whatever. But there’s this distance…and I’m not sure that’s entirely abnormal. I think it’s ok to still love Him and feel like there’s a quiet season. I think He’s waiting to speak until my heart is ready to listen. That’s where I am, and I have no idea if it’s right or wrong.

We’re trying so hard to count our blessings. There are so many and, daily, we are aware that there are reasons to be thankful. It’s just that there are often…and I do mean OFTEN…moments when that good feels like it’s shrouded in a thick fog. I see…but I battle believing that it’s for us.

I still don’t understand. We would be about 5 1/2 months along right now. I thought for sure I’d have some glimpse into life by now of why God didn’t want us to have this little one. But…nothing. And the truth is that as hard as it can be to have answers, I find it even more difficult to not have them. What? This was just random? Some days I just wish He’d spell it out for me.

There are still a lot of ugly days. I still cry. I had a screaming match with God…or, more accurately, at God…the other day in the car. It wasn’t my finest moment and I’m thankful no one else heard it.

We’re trying to keep going and find some sense of normalcy. And, how hard is this to admit? Some days it just looks like survival. We get up, we do our day, we try to find a few smiles…at least one more than the day before. And that’s how we move forward. We do what’s on the list and we don’t do much more than that.

And it sort of breaks my heart, this whole season I wasn’t counting on. Because this space…my heart…it’s so empty, and I hadn’t planned on that. In a weird way, it’s a reflection of life in general. Life feels empty.

BUT…I’m trying to fill it somehow. With laughter, with memories, with Bible journaling, with loud Christmas-and-non-Christmas music, with friends, with things that make me smile. I’m reading books that make me laugh, watching cheesy Christmas movies, reading stories with my girl and laughing with her, too. And I’m not worrying so much about words and writing a lot of them.

Oh, I’ll write them when it’s time…and I know that someday there will be a whole lot more of them here. But there’s also a time for quiet. And I think this might be it.

We’d still appreciate your prayers. We’re heading into the holidays, and I commented to Tobin yesterday…I’m just having a hard time getting into Christmas. (Yes, I realize we’re a week out from Thanksgiving…but it’s not that far away.) 😉 I can force the music and the movies, but the feeling isn’t there. Not that it’s about feelings at all…but there’s usually something warm and fuzzy about this time of year, right?

The gifts aren’t purchased. I want to put up the tree this week but only so I don’t have to think about it closer to Christmas. I dread hanging ornaments we ordered on it…too-small ways of remembering our precious baby and beloved dog.

Somewhere in this there is something we’re supposed to learn. I have to believe that. Because, although it’s been a season of battling with God, I have to fall back on all I know of Him.

I know He’s good. I know He doesn’t just randomly allow things to happen without having a purpose.

I know He still loves us.

And maybe that truth is the one we need more than ever right now.

Well, I’ve rambled on and on about life and, RATS! I never even got to the leggings part. That will just have to wait until next time. 😉

Thanks for being here.

Photo Credit: Christian Reimer

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Comments

  1. So glad to hear your words here, Mel! I’ve missed reading your heart on the big ‘ole internet, but I understand the quiet that is necessary for your soul. xoxo

  2. Hey there, friend. Love this post, and reading your heart. I hear ya on the whole quiet thing. I’ve been pretty quiet myself and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m sorry you’re in this space-where God seems so far away but right next to you at the same time. It’s hard not to know if what you’re feeling is right-so I go with my gut that it is. Your sweet heart is tender, and that’s okay. And I’m praying for that peace that will just wash on over it and hold it close.
    So glad to see your words this morning.

    • I’m trying to give myself permission for that quiet…but it’s hard in this great big bloggy world, isn’t it? Thank you for being here and for your sweet encouragement, my friend. You are a blessing. :)

  3. First of all, leggings are NOT pants. Remember “Mean Girls”: “Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen!” Stop it, people! Leggings are meant to be worn under a top or dress long enough to cover your bum. The world does not need to see all that jiggling and wiggling that goes on.

    Whew!

    Sweetie, this quiet time is perfectly normal. You need time to heal and there is no prescribed time limit for that. You take all the time you need, and know that God is still loving you and is still right by your side, even if you don’t feel that way. I am praying for peace for you and yours.

    • Haha…I knew someone would have something to say about that! (And for the record, I totally agree about the covering your bum part.) 😉 Thanks for being here…I’m so grateful for the virtual hugs and prayers and love. So blessed to call you my friend. (((hugs)))

  4. While I haven’t been a frequent visitor, thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully and honestly here. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

  5. Sweet friend. I love seeing your words again. I understand that the quiet thing can be so hard but many times it is just what our souls need. I know you know this but remember that even when God seems so far He is really just right there with you. He is waiting – waiting until you are ready to hear from Him again. In the meantime, just keep having one more smile today than you had yesterday but be okay with the tears coming too. Rest in the knowing that you are loved and prayed over. Prayers of comfort. Prayers for peace and prayers that you will catch just a glimpse of Him in quiet time.

    • Thank you. You are such a gift, my sweet friend. I keep thinking back to that couch chat we had at Allume and wishing we could go back for a few more hours. (Or days!) You were such a blessing to me that night…God knew I needed a friend like you. And I’m so thankful. :) (((hugs)))

  6. I’m sending you a big hug from California. I believe God allows us to grow numb so that our hearts can heal. It seems weird, I know, but I believe God knows how much we can handle all at once. I pray that you will sense His nearness. He is so very close to you in this season. Praying for you!

    • Thank you, my friend, for that and for the giant hug, too! And for the prayers and encouragement you always give. You’ve been on my heart lately…sending a giant hug right back! :)

  7. I asked someone a question. ” When does that broken feeling go away?” And she didn’t have an answer. Upon much reflection I’ve come to conclusion maybe the ‘broken’ isn’t supposed to go away but leave me longing for the wholeness of Heaven. There is much I wish I could repair that isn’t in my power to repair. And being all right with that and sitting in it, admitting it is darn hard. It sounds so clique to say ‘God will use your brokenness to minister to others…” because right now it feels like shattered…but I have to trust that it, too, will be redeemed. Hoping you can find peace in the season of quiet. That He will continue to comfort your heart.

    • I think you said that well…because I’m not sure the broken is ever completely gone either. Maybe that’s what makes us lean a little harder into Him? And definitely long for that day when there won’t be any more heartache or tears. So thankful for you, sweet friend. Thanks for being here. :)

  8. Oh, Mel–I can so appreciate your grief. A good friend from church recently told us about her daughter who lost a baby to miscarriage at 12 weeks (it would have been the first grandchild and they were all so excited). The same week, one of her daughter’s co-workers had an abortion (also at about 12 weeks) and then came back to work and talked about how simple the procedure was. They are heartbroken. It is so hard to understand where God is at times like this, but I love that you are trying to walk with Him despite all your questions.

  9. was hoping you’d write again – I simply love reading what you write and the lessons God is teaching you and how you are so willing to share -it with the blogging world. Blessing to you as you continuwethrough this valley and may our God sustain you!
    {{hugs}}

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