My heart pounded a little as I walked into the music room that Wednesday night, and there was really no reason for it. I mean, these were my friends, and singing with them was definitely nothing new or scary.
The normal, pre-practice chatter happened, and that was good, but then the singing started and it was a good thing that we were all sitting in a row and I was on the end because I couldn’t believe how fast the tears sprang to my eyes.
I made myself hold them back and sing the words, but it was hard, and I wondered that night if maybe…this season was over.
And I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it because how does a season that has lasted 36 years just end like that?
How could a single event take such a big piece of me?
I thought it over during the next days as I half-dreaded Sunday morning. I didn’t want to say to anyone, I haven’t sung since before…
The truth is that in my mind, life is defined right now in two ways…Before. and After.
It’s not a conscious choice…it’s just how my brain thinks right now.
Certain things bring pain, and I’ve had to find where to draw the line so I can avoid what I need to…I’m not necessarily avoiding everything that’s difficult, but I’m not just throwing myself into all-things-painful, either. Does that make sense?
I know it sounds crazy, but the night I started spotting, I was wearing this silly, sweet tank top with a giraffe on it. I haven’t worn it since. I can’t.
I also rarely go to Target. It’s too painful, especially walking by the baby section, which is much-too-conveniently located, smack dab, in the middle of the store. Our bank account is doing better thanks to this, but my heart aches over it. I’ve been back twice…once with a friend, once with my hubby. I didn’t make them hold my hand, but I was close. 😉
Same with Chipotle…which I craved up and down during those weeks. I just can’t go.
And there are other things that make the list, too…like the book I was reading that I haven’t picked up again, the song Blessings…and the list can go on and on.
And Sunday morning came because that’s just what happens when days pass…and while I was ok, I couldn’t fight back the tears as I walked into church, wondering what I was even doing.
I really felt like my song was gone. Maybe forever.
And even as I picked up a microphone for the first time in weeks, I had the sudden urge to run…I seem to be good at that, and it was what felt right at the moment, but I stayed.
And I sang.
And while it was no big deal, really, the morning was a scream of Hope that my heart desperately needed.
I needed to know that my song was still there. Somewhere.
And it was. IS.
He’s finding my song for me again.
He’s healing my heart, one little piece at a time.
He’s Good…and I’m so thankful.