Indonesia

My God-Sized Dream: Another Dream?

May 14, 2013 by Mel · 38 Comments

For next week take this “do what you can” step for your God-sized dream: Share about your favorite nonprofit organization. They are all God-sized dreams in action. How have they inspired you?

Friends, I just want to warn you that this turned into a novel. But, hey, if my dream is to write a book… Please read it anyway. Maybe it will change your life…I hope so. I know it changed mine.

~Mel~

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It’s safe to say that my husband and I have a heart for other cultures, overseas ministry, and making a difference in the lives of people we meet.

We spent several years with an amazing organization, the Network of International Christian Schools. (NICS) During that time we were living in Bandung, Indonesia, and working at Bandung Alliance International School (BAIS); Tobin as the IT Director/Yearbook Teacher, and I taught mostly upper elementary with one, extremely memorable, year of teaching preschool/art/random math.

It was life-changing, to say the least, and opened our eyes to what truly experiencing another culture looks like. We loved Indonesia, and we also loved the people there; because when you live in another country that long, whether you plan on it or not, those people find a place in your heart. And sometimes occupy a large territory of it, too.

We stayed five years.

Therefore, I AM 5% Indonesia…and no one can take that from me. (However, if I live to be older than 100, I may need to reconfigure the percentage. )

Being part of NICS changed our lives…and lives are being changed all over the world. If you happen to be a teacher and are interested in overseas teaching, this is the organization to check out. There are twenty schools around the world in some amazing places.

In reality, the chance to be part of NICS and BAIS was a dream come true, even if we didn’t know we were dreaming it at the time.

And then we moved “home”…though, since living overseas, the word home is extremely relative.

We bought a house and are putting our roots down deep. I suppose things would look different if we didn’t have a family, but we do…and we want Mae to have a place to call home.

God has blessed us above and beyond what we could have dared to hope for…an amazing neighborhood and community, an incredible church, friends who are family and now a part of our hearts and lives forever.

But does that mean we’ll never go again?

There was a time in the last two plus years when I would have told you, Absolutely not; we’re here to stay. Forever. Probably with a theoretical foot stomp thrown in there because I’m like that. I look around me, and sometimes I just have to catch my breath because I’ve fallen in love with where we are. Pulling up those roots would tear up my heart, and I think I’ve always had it in my head that this is it.

And it really could be.

But God has a funny way of stirring a heart and reminding it that He’s got it all planned, and those plans are mapped out beautifully, according to what He knows is best for us. Not what we think we know.

He hasn’t called us to do anything else yet.

And He may not; so we stay and pour what we have into our lives here and now. I love this place and am incredibly thankful each and every day that we are blessed enough to call this place our home.

But I have to tell you a secret, one that made me literally weep all over the keyboard of my Macbook last week.

Lately, my heart’s been wondering…Could it be that we might go again?

I don’t know…I just don’t.

What I know is that I came across this.

Mercy Ships.

I did not go looking for it. In fact, until last week, after Holley gave our assignment for this week, I’d never even heard of it.

I actually discovered it when a friend from Indonesia posted his sister’s blog on Facebook…she is a nurse for Mercy Ships Africa.

So, of course, I had to check out the website, which linked to a 60 Minutes special. (Which I’m going to post. Which you need to watch.)

I cried the entire way through it…all the while, letting more dreams take root in a corner of my ever-bleeding-for-someone heart. Because, of course, my husband and I don’t have medical degrees. Or plans to get them. Hey, it’s best to stay within your giftings.

But in browsing their website, I discovered something…or a few somethings.

First, people raise their kids on these ships. For a long time, we talked about how wonderful it would be to raise Maelie on the mission field. And there’s a school…school = teachers. I do love to teach.

But guess what? They also need a writer…someone to write publications for press, someone who can give a glimpse into this amazing ministry, someone who can love these people and share their stories.

Can someone please come to my house and attempt to calm down my ever-racing, I-want-to-do-this, heart?

And, lo and behold, they need IT . Folks, he’s good. If the guy can deal with Indo technology for half a decade and not lose his sanity, I’m pretty sure he could deal with it anywhere. Even on a floating vessel.

Those of you who know me will not be surprised that my ENFP brain couldn’t spin fast enough. Let’s go! Let’s go! it shouted…and potentially still IS shouting.

I may or may not have started packing our bags.

And I’ll admit to you that I had to cry this out for a few days before I came to the place of truth. That place that said something like, Mel, not now. Maybe someday, but not now. Ok, that voice was ~~most likely~~ my husband.

It’s a truth I had to wrestle with…the one of joy in where He has us for now; the contentment of praying for His will and going if someday, He does say, Go; but staying if He says stay.

That wrestling ended up being good because a peace took over my heart, and I handed it to Him. I love that I can trust Him to show us if this might be in His plan…when it’s His plan. That day is not today…and it probably won’t be for several years. (Though He could definitely surprise us! Hello, Indonesia? Neither of us saw that one coming…)

But what I know is that I found myself completely fascinated, burdened, and stirred by this ministry that has somehow missed my radar for so long. It’s one where people are literally being the hands and feet of Jesus to some of the poorest of the poor…

Loving people.

Saving lives.

Making an eternal difference.

All of the workers pay their way for the privilege of being part of what Mercy Ships does. These God-Sized dreamers are my new heroes.

Would you consider supporting someone who is part of this amazing ministry?

You can go here to do that.

Friends? I think there might be another God-Sized dream taking root in my heart.

I have no idea what it looks like, but I can’t wait to watch.

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And here’s the clip from 60 Minutes…the best 12 minutes you will spend this week. If for no other reason than simply having your eyes opened, will you watch it? I want to be honest and tell you that this news clip is somewhat graphic and difficult to watch…and they warn you of that on the video. I ask you to watch it anyway.

Thanks for stopping by today, friends! On Tuesdays I link up with my dreaming sisters at our sweet friend, Holley’s place. Will you join us and see what God is doing in some brave and beautiful hearts?

Filed Under: adventures, barefoot, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, just life, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

On Memories and Sarongs…

April 22, 2013 by Mel · 18 Comments

A few weeks ago, I broke my favorite coffee mug. It was a travel mug I purchased at the Starbucks at BIP in Bandung, my last night in Indonesia. (I looked for a picture and couldn’t find one online…just think cute, batik, brown and blue. )

I was crushed, no pun intended , to the point of tears. I had already been in I-miss-Indonesia-mode like crazy…and it just felt like a crushing blow.

Yes, it was just a coffee mug, but that mug was special.

But breaking it did make me start to think…about the things I hold dear, about the things that have a place in my heart and life, about the things that take priority where they shouldn’t.

And so, yesterday, I did something I’ve been putting off for three-days-shy-of-three-years.

See, in three days I will have been “home” from Indonesia for three years. (It’s strange to see that typed out. Time has truly flown.)

And when I packed my bags and boxed up what I wanted us to ship back to the States, a lot of those things included were little, at-the-time-symbolic-but-generally-just-taking-up-space, trinkets. And for three years, I’ve kept them stored in a few random bags, which were stuffed, mostly-unopened, in one of our closets.

I’ve known for awhile that this kind of clutter needed to go, but it’s hard.

So many of those little things were gifts from students and friends, little oleh-oleh (souvenirs) purchased during trips. They all hold a memory.

And it’s hard to throw away memories.

But, let’s be honest here…a person only needs so many sarongs. (Not kidding when I tell you that I came back with more than a dozen. Ahem…can I blame it on my love for going to the beach?)

So I started…smaller. I went through three bags of jewelry and other random “fun”…and I threw out 90% of it. Straight into the garbage can. I pulled out a few things to save for Maelie when she’s older and even found two or three things I’d been wanting but had no clue where they were.

And then I moved on to the sarongs, which were a bit more difficult to part with. Like I said before, there are so many memories tied to them (again, no pun intended…man, I’m on a roll today! ) and it’s hard to just toss them aside. I let myself keep three…my two favorites and, again, one for Maelie.

But I honestly felt guilty about throwing those away…and so I didn’t.

Here they are.

And here’s the deal. (If you’d like. ) If you see one you like in the picture, leave me a comment to claim it. (I’ll get your address through email.) I’ll toss it in an envelope and send it your way in the next week or two…and in that way I can get rid of some of the clutter and pass on a little Indo-love at the same time. (I will tell you that I’ve used a few of them once or twice…and I promise to wash them all before I send them out. )

But if you want a purchased-somewhere-in-Indonesia (most likely, at a beach) sarong, here’s your chance. And it would make me happy to pass them on to friends instead of just tossing them or donating them.

The longer we’ve been back in the States, the more I’ve realized that my memories from Indonesia don’t lie in the souvenirs that surround me.

Not in seashell necklaces, not in bright-flower sarongs, not even in the world’s cutest batik coffee mug.

The memories…and, more importantly, the people…are in our hearts. And that’s the way it should be.

Blessings, friends.

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, Indonesia, just life, remembering, travel, where I am

A Reminder of His Protection

April 15, 2013 by Mel · 2 Comments

I don’t love to fly.

Which could actually be shocking to many of you, considering that my life, in general, has deemed traveling by plane very necessary.

I’m not kidding when I tell you that takeoffs and landings, especially, scare the b-geebies out of me. This, coming from a girl, who has endured at least two hundred of them. Yep, I still sweat and grip the armrests so tightly that my knuckles turn white.

So, you can imagine the kind of conversation that ensued when, Saturday morning I trudged out of bed (yes, I usually trudge for the first few minutes…not exactly a morning person), and his first words to me…

This is crazy…a plane coming from Bandung overshot the runway in Bali and landed in the ocean.

So, like any curious, former-Bandung-Indo-resident, Bali-lovin’, girl would do, I immediately headed to the computer to watch a clip with him.

It kind of shook me up to see it.

We’ve flown all over Indonesia. Once, even with that very airline. We’re also (still) aware of the fact that several of the airlines there don’t meet safety requirements, and runways in several major Indo airports teeter toward the too-short length. There is one, in fact, that has been “officially” deemed too short, but it’s one we never actually landed on.

Seeing the footage sent chills up and down my spine as I recounted the many times we’ve landed on that very runway. (Prayers being uttered during every landing by yours truly. )

Once we watched the footage together (and laughed at how one of the announcers pronounced Bandung (friends, its Bon-doong, not Ban-dung ) we had to process it out, you know.

Or, at least one of us did.

Indonesia and Bali are both on our list for next year. We’ve been wanting to take Maelie there before she gets too much older…plus, if we’re going that far, we have to do Bali so this girl can hit a surfboard for a few hours. Well, and so we can introduce our girl to this little slice of paradise that is so special to us.

But, true to my personality type, I immediately freaked out. I guess there’s no way Maelie will see Bali now!

It’s moments like that when I’m glad to be married to a rock-solid, albeit-slightly-a-little-too-steady, ISTJ like Tobin. Because his response?

Why not?

He gets it, and it was a short, not too earth-shattering (thought maybe plane-splitting ), reminder that my Father has it all figured out. The fact is that if our time to go…and if God chooses a plane crash for that…then there’s not a lot I can do to stop it.

I just have to trust that He’s got it all worked out for good…and I know He does.

I’m posting this video because, praise God, other than some minor injuries, everyone made it off the plane safely, which seems like a miracle when you see the plane. (It is also, in fact, shocking how close to shore that plane is.) We used to hang out at Kuta Beach and watch the planes come and go from just a mile or two away…crazy to think that a plane went down just that distance from where I surfed and boogie boarded. Wild.

Thanking my Father today for His protection of these precious people.

(P.S. My apologies for any potential ads that may precede this video…I tried to find the least-offensive one, but who knows what’s gonna show up. )

Filed Under: adventures, encouragement, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, remembering, Tobin, travel, where I am

My God-Sized Dream: The Why

April 2, 2013 by Mel · 17 Comments

We’ve talked a lot about “what” your dream is and now it’s time to tackle the “why” behind it. Why is your dream worth pursuing, fighting for and seeing through no matter what happens?

I shared a few months ago about a dream God had given me.

To take my stories from Indonesia, the good and bad, the ugly and broken, the beautiful…and write a book.

Since sharing that initial dream, He’s done a lot in this heart. And while that dream is there, and being actively chased , there’s been more defining…and maybe some heart-refining, too.

I’ve always loved to write and dreamed of writing a book, but that answer to “why” doesn’t completely cover it.

So…here’s the more honest answer.

It started with a blog, this space, in January of 2011. My husband and I had gone through an insane amount of change in the previous eight months…being in separate hemispheres for the last six weeks of my pregnancy, leaving Indonesia, the birth of our first child, readjusting to America, and relocating to a brand new city and state.

To be blunt, my head was spinning at a fast and furious, unable-to-focus, rate.

And this space became my haven…a place I hung out every day to share whatever it was that was going on in my heart and life…from the real of heartache and my inability to park a minivan, to the joy I felt over having coffee with a friend for the first time in six months and my confusion over why people wore boots over their jeans.

America confused me, and I think I confused America.

And eventually those stories started to spill out, and God began to give glimpses of His goodness in the midst of ALL…despite the fact that everything I had always known no longer made sense.

Because it wasn’t about life making sense…it was about holding His hand and choosing to walk in His Grace, despite circumstances.

And I felt like maybe my stories were worth sharing…not just the happy and hilarious ones but the ones that broke me, the ones that changed my perspective, the ones that made (and still make) me cry.

And so I decided to write a book.

I’ve finished the rough draft, and I kinda love it. I think it’s one anyone can relate to on some level. (If y’all would like to say a prayer that a publisher will see it’s awesomeness, too, that would be amazing. )

But beyond books and blogs, I think the overall dream is encouragement.

I think that’s what He wants from me.

To take the gift He’s given me and use it for His glory. That might often be through words, but it also comes in other forms…listening, prayer, heart-spilling chats. He can use it all.

He can take my words…and make a difference, no matter big or small. It’s a difference and it’s for Him.

That’s the heart of it all right there.

And it’s worth chasing because it’s what He’s calling me to do.

I read these words recently, written by a friend…they are so true. And so what my heart needed to hear again this morning at this stage of dreaming.

Maybe you’re in a place where it seems no one sees you and it feels like what you do doesn’t matter. Maybe you feel like your potential isn’t being used. What are you doing taking care of a few sheep when you sense inside that you’re made for so much more? But you’re being faithful anyway. You’re serving, learning, loving, and growing.

You’re a God-Sized dreamer, and that means you can make a difference anywhere.

(You’re Made For a God-Sized Dream: Opening the Door to All God Has for You, by Holley Gerth; p. 50-51)

My prayer is that He’ll take this heart and life and use it for His glory…and I’ll leave the size of that up to Him.

And, Happy Tuesday, friends! As always, we’re linking up over at Holley‘s place. Hop by, say hello, and read what God is doing in some dreamer hearts!

Filed Under: blessings, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, remembering, where I am, writing

Justifying Grief

April 1, 2013 by Mel · 26 Comments

I want to warn you, friends, that this post may make you uncomfortable. And if you’d rather not read it, I understand.

It’s been a season of dreaming and doing…with a lot of reflecting mixed in there, too.

And since many of you walk this journey with me…the one of hopes and chasing dreams, of love and extreme thankfulness, of a bit of sorrow and more broken, but also of so much redemption and Grace…I want you to know.

If you want to know.

So read at your own risk.

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There is a wound that’s been buried in a corner of my heart for more than four years.

Most days, it’s just there…but it never goes away. Occasionally it will tug and pull and ache and make me cry.

And then there are weeks like this past one where it slashes and slices and crushes and makes my body rack with sobs.

I thought it would go away, this wound of loss so deep, especially once our little girl joined our family.

But it hasn’t, and from time to time, the pain will resurface. And lately, it’s seemed to grab a hold and start to strangle.

Especially this past week, as it seemed to just make me cry more and more, I wondered…

Is it possible I never grieved it?

I don’t know.

All I know is that the month of March is one of the most painful for me…and when it rolls around, it feels as if a demon overtakes me.

The demon of depression…of anger, of hurt, of regret, of unknown. Of wishing and wondering and wanting to know so badly but needing to accept that I never will.

Most of you know the story, but not all.

For a long time, I’ve been afraid of it, but I can’t be anymore. For it is part of us…part of our family, and we need to acknowledge that it’s there and always will be.

In November of 2008, while Tobin and I were living in Indonesia, we made the decision to pursue adoption. It wasn’t something we rushed into…it had been in our prayers and discussions for months, even years.

In January of 2009, we were approached about the possibility of adopting a baby. A mother in a nearby village who had a connection with a friend was pregnant with her third child. The father was in and out of the picture, money was almost nonexistent, and they wanted a better life for this baby.

Through our friend, they heard about us and asked if we would like their baby.

There are days I wish it had been that simple. And then there are others when I wish it had all never happened.

She was due end of April/beginning of May. It was January.

We flew into paperwork mode and, as soon as we could, scheduled a meeting with the head of the Yayasan (adoption CEO, for lack of a better term) in Jakarta. We met with her, and though somewhat helpful, we left feeling discouraged.

Despite the discouragement, our friend was convinced that this could work, that the hoops could be jumped through and the obstacles overcome.

We had a lot on our side, and I believed with everything in me that God wanted us to have this baby.

And I knew I shouldn’t have gone there yet, but I did. We were lying in bed one night, talking, and I told T how much I liked the name, Maria. We never talked about a boy’s name because I was certain it would be a girl.

I had dreams of a purple nursery with maybe some butterflies on the wall, of spending more years in Indonesia, of finally being able to be a family in my community.

In March, those dreams died when the mother changed her mind. We never heard officially what happened, other than we knew there had been some family pressure.

And my dreams for a Maria and a purple nursery with a cute, white crib turned to ashes.

I cried more tears that month than I ever thought possible.

What’s worse, I was convinced that my grief was unjustified. Not everyone had been completely on board with the situation, and one friend even passively said, Oh, you can just try again. It’s not like it was guaranteed anyway.

It was a grief I stuffed down deep. I was afraid of judgment, afraid of being caught crying over something others felt wasn’t justified.

I still had to teach…I still had nineteen 5th graders. I had a life and responsibilities…and the tears were pushed to the late night.

The kind when it was just me and heartbreak buried under a daisy blanket.

Alone, crying out to a God Who felt too far away.

People say that time heals wounds, and I half-agree with it.

Just half, though.

Eventually the exhaustion translated to sleep and sleep meant relief from pain.

Days somehow passed and life occupied hours…and it was what it was.

We returned to the States for the summer. Most never asked, we didn’t talk.

And while tears have dripped since, today the hole feels more like a pit of desperation…the kind that threatens to swallow up a life that needs to be lived.

About a year ago God laid it on our hearts to sponsor a child through Compassion. I pored through the pictures of children from Indonesia, looking for a three year-old. Somehow hoping that maybe…maybe…this child could still be mine.

I knew it was foolish, I knew the odds were millions to one, I knew…

I know…

I know I just have to let go.

To trust that God has a plan for this now-almost-four-year-old child, one that for whatever reason didn’t include us, one that is far greater than I could have imagined.

And so I need to say goodbye.

Goodbye, sweet one.

Filed Under: adoption, being mommy, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, remembering, where I am

I Confess…

March 18, 2013 by Mel · 14 Comments

Happy Monday morning, friends!

Though the calendar may say March 18th, my lawn in the burbs of Chicago is blanketed with white.

Again.

Gotta say I’m ovvvveeeer winter.

Spring, come on!!!

Yesterday morning I got up early and actually went for a run. Outside. It was glorious, exhilarating, and slightly cold, but it gave me full-on spring fever.

I thought a few Monday confessions might be good for cheering up my soooooo-ready-for-spring heart. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

I’m sitting here in a running jacket and the thickest scarf I could find in the closet. (Snow makes me cold. Even if I’m not outside in it.) Oh, and guess where I bought the scarf? Indonesia. Not kidding. Not sure I ever actually wore it there, but I do love it here! (And I realize this is not a great pic…another confession: This is the real of Monday. Really thankful for makeup today.)

Lately I’ve been missing Bali. I always have a little ache in my chest when I think of Indonesia, and that’s nothing new. But Bali…it must be the lack of spring around here. And the fact that I’m doing a last read-through of my rough draft before giving it to my first readers. How I miss the ocean and surfing and wiggling my toes in the sand of Kuta beach. (Here’s a pic to make you want the beach, too. Anyone wanna go on a little vacation?! )

I let Maelie wear my new (Goodwill) heels this morning. She put them on over her footie pajamas and tromped around our bedroom. And though a small piece of me thought those three inches might be a little dangerous, when she put on my headband, my heart just melted, and I sat back to enjoy the moment. Then I took a picture before I made her take them off. (Sorry, the lighting in our bedroom is not fabulous for an iPhone. And please forgive the pile of clothes…I’ll clean them up later today. )

We may, or may not, be slightly addicted to Tangled in our house. And not only is it a great movie, the music is so fun. For the last few weeks, I have been trying to get the first song down…besides having a ton of words, the note jumps are tricky. But I’ve got it and am, unashamedly, admitting that I walk around the house singing it all day long. (Do any other musicians out there think this is a hard song to sing?)

And…here it is! Rough draft. Printed off last night. 123 pages and 36, 223 words of heart and soul on paper. I’m (most likely tearfully) handing it over to three friends this week. I’m not sure if that part is the confession…more the intense mix of elation and nerves that are currently taking over my stomach. Nothing like a little fear of rejection to make a person sweat. But mostly, I’m thrilled to be at this point. FRIENDS, I WROTE A BOOK!!!

And since my heart is pounding like crazy just from telling you that, I’ll just wish you, again, a happy Monday!

Blessings.

Filed Under: adventures, barefoot, being mommy, blessings, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, Maelie, music, remembering, travel, where I am, writing

My God-Sized Dream: Deep Breath…

March 12, 2013 by Mel · 35 Comments

What do you really want more of in your life? Will you dare to say it out loud?

Well, since you’re asking…I really want more coffee and sleep. (Strange paradox, I know.) And, silly, but I’ve kinda been hoping for a pair of these…I can’t believe this world traveler has stomped her feet in so many places without a pair of TOMS.

But since those probably aren’t acceptable (or inspiring) answers, we can talk a little longer.

This was another question I wrestled with over the last week, but I think that wrestling and battling was so much against my own fear…and I think what’s coming out of it is good.

Scary, but good.

Though, up front you need to know that this. is. the. scariest. post. I’ve. ever. written.

Please be gentle with my heart.

Deep breath…here we go.

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In the fall semester of 2007, over our Idul Fitri break from school, some friends and I flew up to Sumatra to visit Bukit Lawang, an orangutan preserve. Included in that long weekend was a day-long jungle hike.

Forgive me here for not sharing too many fun details. This may, or may not, be a chapter in my book.

At some point during that hike, we stopped for a water break, and I took the time to really look around me.

Vines everywhere…it was totally like the movie Tarzan. And I’d kinda had this dream to be Jane at one point in my life.

It was at that moment I realized there was an opportunity in front of me…one that, if I didn’t take then, I might never have again.

So I asked our guide to cut me a vine so I could swing.

He looked at me, laughed a little, and then obliged. He was even kind enough to test it out for me.

I was scared for a minute, but I reminded myself that now was the time…and if I ever wanted to be jungle-swinging Jane, this was the day.

Deep breath…whoooooosh. I sailed through the jungle.

Ok, ok…so maybe sailed is the wrong word. Gotta be honest that my awesome vine-swing was not exactly like it is in the movies.

Definitely still a dream come true, but it wasn’t quite so dramatic.

My point?

Is that sometimes dreams take a deep breath and bravery, but they can turn into something truly incredible.

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I’ve been reading (and re-reading parts of) a fantastic book that I think maybe some of you have heard me talk about.

It’s pretty much amazing.

And as I’ve been chewing on the first part of the book (no, not literally…though I may have chewed off a few fingernails!) I’ve realized something.

When it comes to dreams and saying them aloud, I’ve been safe.

Really.

Maybe it’s because I am an ENFP through and through…very much a talker, processor, people-lover, sky-high dreamer, and I thrive on it all.

So when I shared my dream for the first time, it didn’t scare me, at least too much.

The prospect of writing a book, in general, doesn’t scare me because I’m not afraid of words and stories.

Don’t get me wrong, there will definitely be butterflies that will most likely be doing backflips off of my stomach lining when (and if) my book is published, but this kind of dreaming makes me want to jump up and down and do cartwheels.

At least right now.

All that to say, for me, there is safety with words.

God has given me this dream, and I know it’s for me…and because He gives good things to His children, I know He’s got this. And I can’t wait for His plan to unfold.

However…ya had to know there would be more, right?!

What do I want to see more of in my life?

Deep Breaths.

Bravery.

Leaping out of my comfort zone with my arms outstretched, ready to embrace whatever He has for me.

Last week a Dream Team sister and I were exchanging facebook messages, and I let something slip. Sort of…I really did want her to know.

My other dream.

There is another one…that long-term one that really seems out of reach right now.

For a long time I wanted to keep it hidden, preferrably behind a door with twelve locks, but that’s not being brave, now, is it?

I want more bravery…more courage…to let go, and trust completely that my Father has all of these dreams in His hands and that He’s going to make them beautiful.

And not only the bravery to dream them but the heart to accept His answer, whatever it is.

So we’ve come to the part of the show…ahem, post…where I take a deep breath.

Deep breath…

Deep breath…

Deep breath…

and tell you another deep desire that has been rooted in my heart for quite some time.

There’s a pretty fantastic online space out there…maybe you’ve heard of it?

I’d love to be one of their regular writers.

Big exhale.

Father, you are the Giver of all dreams…and I trust You with this one, too.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

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Filed Under: adventures, barefoot, blessings, culture shock, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, remembering, travel, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

My God-Sized Dream: Mending

February 19, 2013 by Mel · 10 Comments

The most dangerous word for a God-sized dream is “someday.” How can you start implementing your God-sized dream {even in a small way} right where you are?

I wrestled with this question for several days.

And then, the other night, I cried to my husband.

The tears came after we’d had a little spat…the kind that should have normally never even been an issue. The kind that really wasn’t an issue…it was just a buildup of too many feelings…that were released because I forgot to rinse out the blender after I made my protein shake. (Can anyone relate here?!)

And in expressing those extremely worked-up, tear-streaked, emotions, I started talking to him. Really talking.

About how my past still hurts and haunts me.

About how, each time I return to my hometown for a visit, which I did last week, I leave feeling more battered and scarred.

About how I need to quit letting the past define the woman God wants me to be. Because, in some ways, it’s keeping me from becoming her.

The truth is that if I let who I was be who I am now…I will never move on. Yes, I grew up feeling as if I never had a place to belong. Yes, my parents divorced when I was sixteen, causing emotional heartbreak that only God has been able to even begin to heal.

And while the past might hurt, it is never wrong to keep moving forward, talking about it when it’s necessary, because sometimes it is, and choosing to learn and grow from the pain instead of sitting and letting it continue to wound me.

When I think of Indonesia, it seems most natural to write about the good…the things that brightly painted my days and filled my heart to the point of overflow.

But if my goal is to be honest and real, then I have to face some ugly moments…the times when God chipped at me and ~~dragged~~ led me, sometimes kicking and screaming, through places I didn’t want to go. Because He wanted to bring Himself the glory, as it should have always been.

Writing this book has been a lesson in dealing with the past.

Yes, revisiting things that make my heart sing with complete JOY because of what He did and how He moved in such an imperfect life.

But it also means opening up those places I would rather leave locked behind a heavy, unmovable door…the places He still did some amazing things, but the places where my flaws and inadequacies were put on display for all to see.

So what I can I do now?

The writing part isn’t hard.

What I have to do now is be willing to go to those places. And while they may hurt, I need to trust and KNOW that no pain is ever wasted…and that His healing will be even greater, far surpassing what I can even imagine.

It is a complete God-thing, too, that I came across an (in)courage community that seems to be a perfect fit for this season. One of my dear God-Sized Dream Team sisters is helping lead a study on this book…and while I’m finding myself a bit guarded right now, I really am looking forward to what God will show me.

I am choosing to believe, with everything in me, that God can and will mend a heart that is still cracked, one that still sometimes-hurts, one that has never been able to fully let go of the past.

My prayer is that He will give me the grace and strength to do just that…because I really can’t wait to watch what He will do.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

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Filed Under: (in)courage, blessings, encouragement, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, just life, reading, remembering, what I'm learning, where I am, writing

The Woman on My Wall

February 17, 2013 by Mel · 8 Comments

(I figured I should probably post the picture before you all get creeped out by the title. )

My husband snapped a picture several years ago when we were living in Indonesia.

We were on our way to the beach. And we’re not talking a nice, smooth, hour or so drive to pristine sand and sea. Just clearing that up now.

Indo roads wind…and wind…and just when you think they can’t wind anymore, they do. Like, to the point where Mel’s very best friend during said excursion is a tiny little pink pill called Antimo, guaranteed (almost always) to keep the breakfast down.

But the up side is the fun, random stops you can make along the way. Friends who have experienced this kind of drive can completely attest to this…you just never know what you might see.

On this particular trip, we were traveling with a large group and had split by gender…the girls in one car, the guys in the other. We ladies had stopped at a roadside fruit stand for some manggis (mangosteen), one of my favorite fruits. (I would seriously choose this over chocolate on many days so you know it’s good!) The guys stopped at a gas station, and while Tobin was waiting for everyone else, he pulled out his camera.

I’m just going to interject into my scattered storytelling the fact that I am ever so grateful I married someone who actually thinks to take pictures. And takes them well. I don’t do either.

He saw a woman working in a nearby rice paddy and thought it was a cool shot.

So he snapped a picture.

She looked up, and he snapped another.

And then? She waved and smiled…which it typically atypical…and he got another. (Not that Indonesians aren’t kind…they’re just often shy with strangers.)

We arrived at the beach for a weekend of relaxing, sunshine, ocean-playing, and hanging with friends…and somewhere in those days, I’m sure he showed me the picture. Which I’m sure I liked.

But over the years, we’ve come to really love this picture, almost more each time we see it. It’s just beautiful. Gorgeous green color, beautiful smile from an (I’m sure) equally beautiful woman.

But after we returned to the States, this picture became even more of a favorite, to the point that we finally ordered a large canvas print to hang on our wall. (Which hubby hung yesterday.)

I love the tangible reminder we now have of Indonesia…one we can see every day.

But what I love even more about this picture is that it truly is a representation of this place that holds a piece of my heart forever. I think of beauty and kind people when I think of my Indo…those are the two biggest things I took away from what I now call my second home.

Tobin and I were talking yesterday about this woman…and how we don’t even know who she is. He insists he could find the gas station again, and by asking around, we could probably eventually locate her…it’s highly unlikely that we’ll ever have that chance, but we do wonder.

Would she be embarrassed that she is now the focal point of our family room?

I hope not. I hope she’d be honored…because, to me, she represents the beauty of Indonesia.

Filed Under: adventures, blessings, Indonesia, remembering, Tobin, travel

My God-Sized Dream: Less…

February 12, 2013 by Mel · 20 Comments

Hi, my name is Mel.

And I write. Like, a lot.

I pour out my feelings in this space not-quite-but-mostly every day, and my huge dream is to finish writing and publish a book of my Indo-stories.

I’m also mommy to the most amazingly wonderful and talkative little girl. (Think as chatty as her mama. )

So, in essence, there are an extra-lot of words all over my days.

When Holley shared with us what she’d like us to think about and apply this week, I almost laughed at my initial response.

In fact, most likely I did. (Laugh at myself, not my sweet friend. )

Choose what you will decrease in your life so that your God-sized dream can increase.

Friends, I almost think you might laugh, too.

Because, though the dream of writing a book is inching closer and closer to reality, what I chose to decrease?

Writing.

I know it sounds like an almost-too-easy answer.

But it makes sense to me…and maybe some of you can relate, too.

I am first and foremost a follower of my Father. Then comes wife, mommy, friend. All things that will remain, no matter where life takes me, priorities.

And after that, a mix of writer-runner-creator-singer/musician…things that fuel my passion for life.

But mixed up in the writing hat is the fact that I not only am somewhat-furiously writing a book, I’m also trying to blog 5-6 times a week.

Writing is how I process the extraordinary and the everyday…whether or not I have anything important to say. (I rhymed…love. That quote totally belongs on Pinterest.)

But last week I had a moment.

On Wednesday, I hit a social-media-overload wall fueled by too much blog reading and commenting, and too many status updates, tweets, and dessert-pins. Can’t blame a girl for loving dessert, though.

I actually buried my head in my hands and then closed my laptop for several hours and just sat on the floor and played with my daughter, forbidding myself from opening that computer. And as Mae and I put puzzles together and rolled out play-doh, took her princesses on a field trip to the Little People farm, and giggled at life in general…I thought

about how I’ve got to find some kind of balance with writing…to write with purpose and not because I feel like I have to.

I started by somewhat-unplugging for the weekend. (No blogging or commenting Saturday and Sunday and keeping other forms of social media to a minimum.) It helped that we were out of town, but it was a good time to consider direction.

I love this space and plan to continue here. But I also need to learn to give myself permission to miss a day or two (or four) in a row without feeling as though I’ve failed somehow. My new goal is no more than five days a week but at least three. (And if I don’t do three…extending lots of grace to myself. )

I also need more focused, spaced-out, intentional book-writing time. (I can’t write with the same intensity and productivity on consecutive days.) I typically take Wednesday nights from 6-10 for that, but guess what? Ash Wednesday is tomorrow. So I’ll need to find another time during Lent where I can sit, uninterrupted, and just let the words spill. My goal is to find two of those times each week…spaced out enough that I don’t feel like I’m forcing the words. (And if one or both of those don’t happen in a week…more grace.)

It’s not a race…it’s obedience. He’s got the timing figured out already…I just need to daily walk out what He’s called me to do.

To read more amazing things God is teaching a group of dreamers, click on the link below. We’re linking up every Tuesday and would love to have you join us!

Filed Under: barefoot, being mommy, blessings, encouragement, family, friends, God-Sized Dreams, Indonesia, just life, Maelie, what I'm learning, where I am, writing