It’s been a long time…in fact, the longest time I’ve gone without writing since I started the blog.
And probably at least twelve times in the last week…Twelve. That’s a lot. I’ve sat down and tried to write something. Anything.
You know, words.
Let’s be honest, I don’t always have something incredibly profound to share, but I usually have Words. Stories. A piece of the journey that has taught me something.
In all of the up and down that has been life during the last month, the one thing I never thought would disappear is the ability to write. And yet, for all of the writer’s block I had before, it’s a hundred times worse lately.
I hate that.
But I seem to always write better with coffee, so we’ll try. It’s always worth a try.
And? Well, no matter the season of life, coffee is one of those welcome constants…I always like coffee.
So, a few random things about life…lately…ish.
This girl…she is headed to PK4. And though she’s been four for Two. Whole. Months, I still can’t wrap my mind completely around the fact that she’ll be in school three mornings a week. Which means, pretty much, that I’m going to cry, and she’ll tell me to stop. 😉
Here we are, bad lighting and all, before her Hello/Goodbye Day at school yesterday.
She is cute. And I need more sleep. 😉
I started running again. I took a necessary (but too long) hiatus, and can I just confess that even running three miles now feels a bit like torture? And not just physical, either. Honestly, I spent so many miles on the familiar, close-to-our-house, bike path…while I was pregnant. And during those miles, I talked to God, I praised Him, I sang along with my playlist, and I dreamed dreams for our new little one.
And so going out on that bike path now is just raw pain. I’m choosing to face the pain because I need to…I need to go there and move past it. Because there are certain realities…like the fact that our house is less than 100 yards from the path. Even if I never go back to the path, it’s still going to be there.
It’s my next step forward.
And people still ask…how are you?
And if I’m in a blunt mood, I’ll probably tell you how much I dislike that question before I say anything else because, the truth is, I don’t know how to answer it.
I always feel like people want to hear, I’m great! Or, even just good.
The truth? Is that I ache and cry far more than I want to. I’ve gone exactly one day without crying in a month. One. I don’t even remember what day that was…I just remember that it happened. And thought it sounds a bit crazy…that one day out of 31 gives me Hope.
I need Hope. Lots of it.
And maybe, right now, that Hope comes in different ways. Small ways. Through coffee with friends and heart chats, through park adventures with my girl and a late-night Google hangout with a sister.
God gave me a word last spring as we flew over oceans and crossed cultures, and even in a moment of uncertainty and even fear, I knew that He was telling me that my purpose was to share my Journey.
I had no idea that this…loss…was supposed to be part of that journey. I didn’t want it to be.
But I think I forget sometimes that the journey twists and turns. We can’t always see what’s next.
And there are other times when the journey seems to stop. It doesn’t, really…but He does ask us to wait. Trust. Breathe…knowing that He has us where we’re supposed to be.
And that’s where life is right now.
There are blessings…and I’ve tried to be intentional about seeing them. Counting them. Giving thanks for each time a smile comes.
And there are hard moments, too…and rather than throwing them away, I try to remember His promises. We know JOY comes in the morning.
And so we wait for it.
And we find reasons to smile along the way, too.
Photo Credit: Motiqua